Spoof news snippets from Thursday 29 October 2009
Probes Going On
Ameica launches a probe of the moon. Aliens launch a probe of many Americans. President says to relax, try thinking of healthcare plans.
Americans Not Reading, Watching News
Poll shows that 74% of Americans are no longer keeping up with the news. On behalf of you other 26%, a big Thank You! for choosing TheSpoof.
There's A Recession?
Study shows women worried over economy who shopped for children's clothes, purchased groceries. Men mostly watching, sports, women.
Obama On The Move Again
President Obama may go on tour at the first of 2010 of the states that allow medical marijuana smoking. He will be riding the "Snack Train"!
What happens to your Facebook Profile when you die? Well, for one thing, your photo starts to look pretty bad.
Supremes To Rule On ID Theft Case
Supreme Court to rule on identity theft case. "I never ordered 3,000 Cokes with pubic hairs", claims Judge Thomas.
Inflation Hits Nigeria
World economy still in trouble as inflation hits Nigeria. Now those spam letters demand $100,000 up front to collect $1,000,000 waiting for you in Nigerian bank.
Tony Shalhoub predicts EXACTLY how many votes Ralph Nader will get if he runs in 2012. Special School student in Massachusetts gives the same three numbers.
Stupidity claims "I neva possezed Georgey boi lolz"
In an interview on Friday's Science Now chat show, neurological phenomenon Stupidity said that it never inhabited George Bush: "It must haf been sum far sikka neurofingy fenonomonen, wat u call it".
Coloured UK Pro footy player jailed for sexual molestation, too much Dick, not enough brains!
Coloured sports stars frequently drop their pants to boast about their "rods" Mike Tyson started it and now the sickness has spread to the UK, millionaires wages, no brains and a big black dick!
According to the Farmer's Almanac, wollie worms, thick corn husks, there will be no new Star Trek movies for another five years.
On Right Course
Ouija Board called up Captain of Titanic says that country is headed in the right direction. US too big to sink!
Stock Falls In NYC, Chicago
Stocks fall on Wall Street with presented with 1990-page health bill in congress. Also, stocks fall in Chicago stockyards after presented with large hammers.
1990 Paged Health Bill
House Leader Calls Health Bill "1,990 Pages Of Bureaucracy" Tony Shalhoub insists that ten more pages be added.
Kenya follows UK and goes GAY!
Kenya will release all Gay prisoners having unpaid 5* hoildays in Kenyan prisons (AAAGH!) They wish to follow the UK and make everybody GAY, reasons: dying of Aids is cheaper than imprisonment!
Recession in the US is over and Bankers immediately demand their bonuses!
The US is officially out of recession after the US government pumped trillions of bucks in to the economy, now CEO's of major banks are demanding back their annual bonuses, Obama replied, "F**K OFF!"
Is This Lynn Baden?
Is this the face of Osama bin Laden? New Al-Qaeda video may show first footage of terror chief since sex change.
Agassi admits to drug abuse, "but man did I f******g enjoy it!
Ändre Agassi has admitted to drug abuse, "so what, I won everything, got Steffi as my wife, am a multi-millionaire, have lovely kids, all thanks to a bit of speed and I don't regret a thing!"
Burglars Get Trick, Prisoners Treat
Mark of stupidity: Burglary suspects drew masks and beards on their faces using permanent marker pen! "Trick Or Treat, Officers?" "Trick for you guys, treat for those big suckers in your cells."
Swine Flu Jumps 50%!!
New cases of swine flu jump 50%...that's 50%!......How about those Dallas Cowboys?
Brown Backs Blair?
Brown gives Blair full backing to be 'excellent' EU president. Blair states that he's not sure being Brown in the back would make him popular.
New Anti-Snoring Cure
The £3 anti-snoring jab that could have a priceless effect on the lives of millions as third nostril evens everything out.
Woman suffers horrendous burns after reaction to Boots hair dye. Boots claim they don't make hair dye, just boot dye.
Private wheel clampers rake in £3,000 an HOUR in shopping centre car park. Fake clampers rake in £3,000 an HOUR.
Kidnapped Couple Tell Their Story
British couple kidnapped by Somali pirates tell of the terrifying moment they were hijacked. "But after that first moment, it was sort of an adventure", states husband, who gets slapped hard.
Amtrak Study Profitable
Report: Amtrak loss comes to $32 per passenger. After much study, suggests raising fare by $32 per passenger.
Still Quick Travel Source
US Airways cutting 1,000 jobs, reducing flying, but wingless version goes 200 MPH on Interstates.
Vaccine Order On Track, Wrong Track, But On It
Novartis says on track to deliver US vaccine order. "Should be here by the Fourth of July, 2010.
Improved Flu Survival
Study: Cholesterol drugs may improve flu survival as it helps flush most pork fat from the body. However, do not sweat around your date.
President Bush served Spotted Dick at State Dinner at British Embassy
"They explained to me that it wasn't really penis, but is it Vice President Cheney? I don't want to be canibalizing"
Andy Williams Biography Admits He Changed Lyrics in Sweet Memories to Avoid Controversy
"I really didn't think that people were ready for me to croon about my love of breasts, so I rewrote Sweet Mammeries."
World's Second Most Hated Man Recommends World's Most Hated Man
Or simply put... Gordon Brown recommends Tony Blair as being ideal for European Union presidential job.
NW Pilots Test "Distracted Flying"
Northwest pilots prompt look at distracted flying. Plan to take new pilots into woods for a snipe hunt.
It Happens All the Time!
A Spanish Lady has thanked a 'guardian angel' who diagnosed her with a rare disease. With her dying breath, the Senorita was able to say "thank you." Madrid police have warned girls to stay away from buses.
Wayne Newton hints latest Vegas show may be last. Receives a standing ovation!
Stars Share What Scares Them Most
Stars share what scares them the most this Halloween. Number one so far? "The cold icy hand of Larry King".
He Who Laughs Last
Scientists patch damaged lungs for transplanting as joker owner had "Do Not Open Until Christmas" Tattoo inside.
Swine Flu Closes Schools
Swine flu prompts hundreds of schools to close as Chinese consider changing 2010 to "The Year Of The Pig".
Motorola Strikes Back!
Motorola posts 3Q profit, names permanent CFO in an attempt to prevent President Obama firing another CEO.
Francis Uranium Crick Knowledge
London Cabbie Drivers forced to learn it
Another Titanic In 2010 Possible
Another Titanic expedition possible in 2010 as researchers look for the perfect iceberg.
New Moon Rocket Ready
NASA's new moon rocket makes first test flight just as soon as there is a new moon.
Economy Finally On The Mend
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says economy, kicks to his ass, finally on the mend. "Those jump starts worked", stated the Secretary.
Clinton Meets Leaders
Clinton to meet Abbas, Netanyahu, Krigagoatnog in Middle East!
OK, OK, so I made up Krigagoatnog. But, Ahmadinejad an actual person, so there could be.
Obama Approves New Numbers
Obama extolls new GOP numbers as 'welcome news'. I'm sorry, that should be, Obama extolls new GDP numbers as 'welcome news'.
A Florida man who claims he was too fat to have killed his former son-in-law faces cross-examination by a New Jersey prosecutor. "I feel like Johnny Carson asking 'How fat are you?' states DA.
Rabbi Keeps Sense Of Humor
Two shot in legs as gunman attacks LA synagogue. "At least he wasn't a 'breast' man", jokes Rabbi Hops.
"D" As In Dey's Dere!
Report: States set low bar for student achievement as "able to occupy a chair" gets you at least a 'D'.
More Weather On The Way!!
Storm dumps snow on Rockies, plains, more snow forecast. "Sometimes this fall and especially the coming winter, she'll be snowing again", warns Denver weatherman Skeen B. Good.
Govt Czar For Less Is More Makes Statement.
More or less says that less is more. Or something.
"Stove dodging students" - hungry and broke
Porked their way through 450,000 take-away staff; said one broke student: "Eating take-away food is just too hard a habit to break - and they do taste OK if you like Sushi."
You should show more discretion
Hey, reader, we all know that you are lonely since your girl dumped you. But going through the check out line with only a jar of vaseline and "Seventeen" magazine to buy is weirding out the clerk.
Obama's Playboy Interview
President Obama tells Playboy Magazine he's still considering a skinned-back Afghan war plan.
Asian Stock Slide
Asian stocks slide on gloomy US news of KY Jelly being on the Point..of bankruptcy.
Pelosi hopes new health plan is poised to pass. "Although, I personally am a total bitch...wreck", she admits.
Your minister missed you in church last Sunday
But he also missed you the 51 other Sundays you've skipped out on in the past year, and the 52 more per year that you've ditched since you were 18.
Al-Qaida Sleeper Agent To Be Sentenced
Al-Qaida sleeper agent to be sentenced in Illinois. May get to sleep for a long, long time.
Both Juries In
Jurors: Birmingham, Ala., mayor took bribes. Pisgah, Utah, mayor took brides.
Coconuts prevent testosterone production
Researchers examining data on the people of the ill-fated Minnow, stranded on a desert isle for 15 years, conclude that coconuts cause sterility, or both Ginger and Mary Ann would have been pregnant.
And Another One Bites The Dust
United Nations Colonel: Leader of radical Islam group # 198 killed in raid of Cave 4024 Northern Sector, Mountain 5, while taken a whiz.
The opposite of "Ginger or Mary ann"?
Which supposedly good looking actress would you least want to be in bed with, Glenn Close or Angelica Houston?
Woman runs down street
A local woman was seen running down the street today. She was yelling, "Grape! Grape!" A kindly policeman stopped her and said, "Don't you mean 'rape'?", and she said, "No, it was a bunch."
No Bombs A Bummer Say Newspeople
Failed Car bomb in crowded Pakistan market fails to kill 210.
One, however, taken from car and marched out into dessert.
One Without Swine Flu
Little Allen Meredith was interviewed on WBKO for being the only kid in 1200 in Boyd County High School in Kentucky without the Swine Flu. "It was Granny's homemade stool softeners, feared to cough!"
You know what, kid?
You know the lunch your mom makes for you each day, that you throw out so as to not look "uncool"? Today there was a candy bar, a $10 bill and a note that said, "I love you, have fun after school!"
Pheidippides died to save Western Culture
And not only was naming a race after him the best we could do, we don't even name it after him, but after the town of Marathon that he ran from.
Congress Finally Gets Off Their Ass
There will be a Beans and Cornbread Fundraiser today in Washington to highlight the boom of hemorrhoid sufferers since all the massive layoffs!
StarFleet's Prime Directive
When you do not help a pre-warp drive culture advance to a warp culture, aren't you interfering? After all, your natural inclination was to help, or you'd not have made a law against it, huh?
FOX/Obama Talks Held
Fox News Channel, Obama administration talking. Taliban leader agrees to help spur negotiations.
The subtle comedy of Star Trek...
...is never so grandly demonstrated as when you realize that in the latest remake being released this November 17th, that Winona Ryder is playing the role of Spock's mom!
Gang Arrests In Rape
4 charged in alleged gang rape of California girl. Some 40 others being sought. Leader claims she led them on with provocative thought.
Winning ticket in your trash
You did win the lottery last week. Your wife read the numbers wrong, as she was tired from working her ass off picking up after you. Had you ever helped her a bit, you'd both be on easy street now.
Clinton In Pakistan
Clinton, Pakistani students in lively exchange as some 400 shoes hurled from every direction.
Brett Bureau Unretires: Leads Spoof to Overtime Win!
The aging whipper snippet returned to the field and showed fans he still had it putting up 3500 points in the 4th quarter. The late point deluge put the Spoof over the top during Ratings Week..Bonus!
Obama Seeks New Powers
Obama seeks new powers to dismantle nonbank firms...such as FOX News, talk show radio programs, makers of kryponite.
Just because your secretary said that she was uncomfortable with you asking her out for a drink, does not mean you should not ask her again. After all, HR rules notwithstanding, 5th times the charm!
What Is The Answer?
Could 'medical homes' bring needed help to health care? Is the pope Catholic? Does President Obama sleep with his Nobel Peace Prize?
Your child needs help
While other kids are dreaming of being firemen, astronauts, soldiers or a policeman...your little boy is dreaming of being a proctologist. Insiders suspect that he gets that from you, Dad.
Home Depot In Trouble
Florida man says Home Depot fired him over God button. Crowds flee premises after frogs pile up to their knees.
Confederacy of Oddball States forms
Vermont, Utah, Alaska and South Carolina are forming the Confederacy of Oddball States. Their secession is not expected to last longer than it takes you to read this.
Migraines Could Be A Danger
A migraine with aura can double stroke risk say experts. However, auras without migraines kinda cool with all the bright flashing colors.
Your video store clerk thinks you're a pervert
Every night you go and rent "Wicked", "The Craft", "Thirteen", "Tart" and other soft core, low budget, grade B movies about naughty teen girls. Don't you know that the clerk is a 19 year old girl?
Isn't it about time...
...for "Under Siege III"? Hollywood needs to squeeze that wannabe karate guy Steven Segal into his girdle and crap out some lame script about how he pretends to be the janitor on a hijacked airplane.
True test of tolerance
So we know you claim that some of your best friends are Christians who believe in the Bible, and regard evolution as a lie. That's nice of you. But would you want your sister to marry one of them?
Obama Sorta Thinking Of Sending 5 More Troops
Obama considering scaled-down Afghan war plan after thinking it over for 4 months. Will send 5 new troops for now. Give it some more thought.
The Japanese are whining again
They are hoping that Obama will visit Hiroshima and get all weepy and sorry. However, even Obama knows that killing several hundred thousand civilians was cool, and what the U.S. is all about.
Curry For Cancer
Scientists say curry compound kills cancer cells but might eat through the bowels, commodes if overdone.
How to have Rodeo Sex
Just mount your wife from behind, wind her hair in your hand like it's the rope, slap her on her ass and tell her that her sister is the better lay. Hang on tight, cowboy.
New UN Mission Plan
UN re-evaluates Afghan mission after attack. Mission Plan #177 already being discussed by Obama, Brown, other leaders.
Your boss's car...
...costs more than the house you rent. That's because he is better than you. What's more, your wife knows it. So do your kids. And your folks.
If you know who played Roseanne Barr...
...but can't name her seperated at birth sister on the Supreme Court, you might be an American.
Congress Tries To Pass A Stone
Pelosi hopes new health plan is poised to pass. "Like a brick", say opponents.
Scary janitor spends too much time...
...cleaning the girl's bathroom at the local Middle School. Though the tampon receptacles are very shiny, insiders would prefer he just dusted, mopped and got out in under ten minutes. Not an hour.
It's been six months...
...aren't we due for a Stephen King, John Grisham or Tom Clancy movie? What's up with that?
In Brazil, a little boy dreams
Sad to say, he is dreaming of being you. He actually yearns for the cheesy apartment, old-style TV, last year's computer and second hand couch that you take for granted. Now don't you feel bad?
Writer for TheSpoof climbs back up to top five
After being cast down from number two, due to the loss of over six thousand points, TheSpoof's premier satirist and spoof artist has climbed back up to the top five.
The toughest question of the recession...
...do you now buy generic cigarettes to save money? Or do you keep buying premium brands to save face?
Reader, I saw your mom's pic on Facebook
Yes, reader, your mom. And so you know, I'll be picturing her tonight while I'm having sex with my wife. Next time you see that naughty mommy of your's, thank her for me, will you?
Cigarette debate rages on
Scientists are still debating one of mankind's trickiest questions. Is the after dinner smoke better than the after sex smoke? Or does the first one of the day with your coffee trump both?
"If we can put a man on the moon..."
...then how come we can't put a man on the moon? Doesn't look like India and China will have any trouble. Must be nice to live in nations that have actual space programs.
Parent's will secretly re-wrote
And it's all being left to your brother. You know, the good one, who did all the right things. Guess it's Social Security and Purina Cat Chow for you, loser.
Excuse me, miss
Yes, you, the one reading TheSpoof at work, with your feet under your chair and your shoes off. The guy at the desk behind your's is eyeing your toes and thinking sexual thoughts. Be careful.
Queen Elizabeth steps down
Millions cheer as Queen Camilla Parker-Bowles is sworn in as the reigning monarch, and Prince Charles becomes the Royal Tampon of her majesty. He is, after all, "white, uptight and out of sight".
George Washington exposed!
George did NOT chop down his father's cherry tree. He lied and said that he did, so that his father wouldn't learn that he'd really been screwing his "mammy" behind the slave cabins again.
Scientists classify Fire as a life form
It grows, it consumes things, it needs oxygen, it moves about. In short, it has all the hallmarks of life. True, it has no cells. But then again, neither does Lt. Commander Data.
The Duke boys have an uneventful day
After helping Uncle Jesse around the farm, they went to the Boar's Nest to have a drink and see how Daisy was doing. Cooter, Enos and Roscoe were there. And Boss Hogg. They all had a nice time.
The Governator said something naughty
Frankly, it shocked California.
Usually, this doesn't happen.
Couldn't have shocked people more.
Kids were disappointed in him.
Man awakens from coma after 22 years
Over two decades after taking the Nestea plunge into a pool that had been drained for the fall/winter season, Sydney Brule, playwright, woke up. Regrettably, his wife Moira had already passed away.
TheSpoof writer known as Alexandria177...
...has a list of accomplishments in all fields of human endeavour so long that only the staggering size of his penis affords enough room to list them all out on.
Your mother is reading my articles too much
I'm flattered at the level of attention your mother gives me, but really, if she keeps visiting my articles, people will think they are being bumped up artificially.
Love Boat Doctor charged with sexual harassment
Doc was put on administrative leave when Isaac observed him hinting to Julie that he could "help her in her career". The final straw was when he asked Vicki if she was old enough to set the table.
Enterprise has an uneventful mission
The crew of the Starship Enterprise visited a peaceful planet. They refueled, and not once did anyone try to steal the ship, impregnate Deanna, or make Data rebel. Nor did Wesley need to save them.
Sliders have uneventful visit
They all landed on an alternate Earth in which everything was the same except the letter "c" did not exist, people using "k" or "s" instead. They stayed for three days, then left without incident.
2010 Toyota Prius
Will only have cold cup holders.
"Give Me an A"
Arnold Schwarzenegger screamed: "You see what I mean about falling standards in Education?" "There's no 'a' in Fuck You."
Man on Ice
Better than "Man on Fire".
More Vodka than toothpaste
Agassi Admits To Lying That He Took Drugs
"Back in '97 I nearly took drugs," remarked Agassi.
"Ru Out of Your Mind?"
Gordon Brown: "Only when I'm at sixes and sevens"
Hairdresser caught doing "69"
"It would have been OK if he was doing 169 mph on his motorbike", said the arresting police officer.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's Word Games
Fair Utopia Can't Klondike Yesenin Over U
Obama - "Playing Hearts"
"Absolutely Not True", claimed WH spokesperson Gibbs, "Just that some like to catch a movie with the President and others like to be 'at the point of a spear'."
NASA touts shame as pride
NASA can't have manned missions carried by Space Shuttles any more, that's how far they've sunk. But they've a rocket that is kind of as good. And are bragging about it. Meanwhile, India is happy!
Walmart has an offer to die for!
Yes, it's there new fall line of caskets, and with prices to die for! "Dad (or Mom) Remembered" for only $999! Nothing says, "Fuck you, I remember your bullshit!" like a Walmart Coffin!
Swine Flu Hits Muslim Countries
UN World Health Organization announced today that Muslim countries are the hardest hit by the Swine Flu Virus. UN Scientists attribute this to a lack of anti-bodies caused by not eating pork products.
Posting of Nutritional Information
A restaurant famous for its Buffalo wings is going topless. The food's fat, calories & sodium content will be posted on conspicuous tatas, to satisfy the food police. Think anyone will notice?
TV ads ask $20 per month to house stray dogs & cats. What if the money is used to feed needy families, by putting food on the table? You have an evil mind, as I am not suggesting what you're thinking!
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