12st man dies after 13st constipation trauma
Titus Bean's 8 years of constipation ended in an evacuation of biblical proportions today. Bean disappeared in a 13st mound of his own faeces. 'He always was a drama queen.' said his mother.
Come off It!
Magazines containing sexually explicit material should carry government warnings according to MPs who have read them. Playboy is to be given a 'PG' rating, so my dad tells me!
Herr Griffin is slaughtered by the BEEB and loved it!
BNP leader, public clown, Nick Griffin, is slaughtered by the BBC and thanks them for all of the free publicity! He denied the Holocaust once but admitted "well I am a moron, but thanks anyway"
Obama: "Replace Doctors & Nurses With Actors"
The Obama Health plan will include replacing medical practitioners with unemployed actors from movies and TV shows. "They won't be able to do anything except make people feel good and that's enough."
written by tlmedia
, 24 October 2009
With the current economic climate and the cost of goods such as bread and wine expected to rise, Jesus is setting a wonderful example for us all to follow.
Historical fun fact
Mike and Carol Brady were not the first TV couple to sleep in the same bed. Herman and Lillian Munster were.
Two diabetics died at Spagos
Last night, Alicia Silverstone, Reese Witherspoon and Kirsten Dunst all showed up at LA's popular restaurant at once. The combined sweetness and cuteness killed two diabetics.
Scientists dismiss paradox
Scientists reported on what happens when an irresistable force meets an immovable object, yesterday. Said Dr. Obvious, "You find out which one wasn't."
English professors up in arms!
It was discovered recently that 98% of Americans, even those with college degrees, did not read Moby Dick, The Scarlet Letter or Catcher in the Rye. Just the Cliff Notes.
How to live to the age of 316
The average human being can expect to see 79 birthdays. Therefore, if you want your kid to live to 316, simply see to it that he or she is born on Leap Day. They'll have birthdays four times slower.
Have five bucks or owe it, all the same
5 is equal to the square root of 25. And the square root of 25 is equal to -5. Therefore it is mathematically proved that owing $5 is equal to having $5. So put it on the charge card, no worries!
Seventh Day Adventists were right
For 150 years, they've claimed that when God said, "on the seventh day ye shall rest", that this meant Saturday. Theologians checked the bible, and found out they were right. Oops. Who knew?
Pope Benedict apologizes
The Pope apologized for his past affiliations with the Nazi party. "I deeply regret how I handled that", he said. "I should have stuck it out till the last jew was cleansed from the earth."
Mormons have funny underwear
Yes, the rumor from your Baptist minister is true. They do wear funny underwear. But only when it's that time of year where they sacrifice a child to Odin.
You sure told off that telemarketer
Funny, though. Your wife still doesn't love you, your kids think your a dork, your boss wonders when he can let you go, and you have no friends. But you sure told that Direct Cable guy off.
Dostoevsky was right
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is having trouble sleeping. Her dreams are filled with pain. Her life is increasingly hard. She just can't stop thinking about how she killed Vince Foster.
Cute and fresh looking as a teen, no doubt, but researchers have found that a portion of American males have expressed interest in what's known as the "Dirty Marsha", you know, the fat, slutty one.
In an accidental overdose of gamma radiation...
Dr. David Banner had his body chemistry changed. Now whenever he gets angry or frustrated - well, actually, he doesn't do anything. Because he's dead. You see, gamma ray overdoses kill people.
Alcohol industry caught
Researchers have proved that in a conspiracy stretching back centuries, the sellers of alcohol have colluded to put a substance in it that weakens your will, thus encouraging you to drink more.
Leonard Peltier is still in prison, since 1977
And those palefaced pathetic excuses for liberals don't care any more. Calculate how many killers have been sent up and released since he was in, and that is the sum total of the injustice done.
Scientists point out proof of God
In that not only are our nose and ears placed conveniently to accommodate the wearing of glasses, but the tips of our penises keep our hands from sliding off.