Spoof news snippets from Thursday 15 October 2009
Three women have come forward to say they have helped on the Letterman show without having sex with him, that's including his mother.
Foreign LanguageSpoken In American Homes
Survey shows that one of of six Americans speaks a foreign language at home, called texting lingo.
Instant Face Lift
According to research, if you want to know how you would look with a face lift, have the driver go 80MPH on a stretch and stick your head out the window on the passenger side & look in the mirror.
Nice Night In NYC
It was so nice in New York City last night, David Letterman allowed all the ladies on his "staff" go home early.
Hillary Corrects Story
Hillary Clinton has finally admitted she was wrong about coming under fire while she was in Bosnia. "I did have on my bullet-proof pantsuit, though!"
Today's Who's Who
Actress Tina Fay is encouraging Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. "She'll have my vote", stated Fay. Then the real Tina Fay stated that that wasn't her.
Wikipedia For The Answers
Wikipedia has announced that they are 90% through going back over their material correcting mistakes. Then announced that it should have said 70%.
McCain Having Bad Experience
Sen. John McCain announced today that he had bought a hybrid car and that it not only doesn't work in water, he almost drowned.
Tax Refunds Delayed Again
Because of a huge budget crisis, California is now going to delay paying tax refunds in 2010. Several in Hollywood say that that is why they're not bothering to file theirs.
New NKorea Dong Missile
North Korea warns that their newest dong missile will cause the enemy to go sterile therefore wiped out within a couple of generations.
TV Changes By 2014
FCC says that digital television set may have to be changed again by 2014 in order for all shows to come in in 3D.
Phillip Morris Lawsuit
The Phillip Morris company has sued a family who lost a loved one from smoking for loss of their income.
Thieves Break In On Homeland Security
Thieves break into Homeland Security office & steal all US protection plans. Military says not to worry as nuclear missiles are being shifted around as we speak. Also, avoid accident on Colorado road.
Another Bright One
Shoe bomber's cousin arrested at airport after complaining that the airlines had lost his suitcase with the nuclear bomb.
Break In Bombings?
Taliban along the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan ask for bombings to stop during Holy Day of Running Your Ass Off!
Still Reviewing It
CIA says that new video from Osama bin Laden with him telling al-Qaida to kill everybody they see, could contain a hidden message.
You Learn By Mistakes
FEMA finally confesses that dropping microwave ovens into flooded New Orleans wasn't the best idea they ever had.
New FBI Seasonal Warnings
An FBI warning: Never assume that flaming bag on your doorstep is full of dog shit. Could be an explosive devise that will blow the shit out of YOU. Also, never open a letter addressed to Anne Thrax!
Office of Over-used Plot Studies (OOPS) Report: No More Vampires
The OOPS released a report stating: "After New Moon, True Blood, Cirque du Freak, and Vampire Diaries, nothing new can ever again be written or said about vampires. For the love of god, just stop."
What Can You Do?
In North Yorkshire, a drunken sailor twice legal limit when he ran trawler aground early in the morning. Police "shave his belly with a rusty razor!"
Let's Get Outa Here!
Older couple leave horror movie early after being nearly scared to death by price of popcorn and colas.
Woman Traded Kids For Bird, Money
Woman trucker swapped two children in her care for a pet cockatoo and $175. Demanded refund after cockatoo crapped all over the inside of the truck.
Brain To Brain Communications
Scientists develop system that allows 'brain-to-brain communication' between two humans, although the use of other organs much preferred.
Woman Wins Payout!
Woman with 10-minute memory wins £4.4m payout after string of medical blunders. Family says they will tell her later.
Tasers Causing Heart Attacks?
British Police warned firing Taser guns at suspects' chests could give them a heart attack. "From now on, shoot them in the arse!"
The Loudest Snore?
Meet the grandmother who snores at 111 decibels, even louder than a JET plane! I SAID, MEET THE GRANDMOTHER ...cough! Go onto the next snippet, I've hurt myself..cough!
Winner From Own Family, Fancy That
New BBC row as winner of Blew Peter's 'design a 50p' competition is revealed to be daughter of programming chief
A Big CEO "Thank You"!
Several CEO's of large companies getting huge bonuses after their companies were bailed out by the US Government would like to thank the millions on Social Security giving up any raise for their gift.
Former president Jimmy Carter calls people who have allergies to peanuts prejudice, the scum of the earth. Announces that he's found G W Carver's 101st use for them. Stick them up Rush Limbaugh's ass!
Nixon's Long Joke On Tape
Just released Nixon White House tapes reveal one long 15 minute joke by Nixon who apparently passed out during the middle ten minutes, but then finished up with the ending of another joke, laughter!
Apparently All 4,000 Did Vote
Those 4,000 "dead people" found on voter rolls as voting officials suspected fake voter registrations, turned up at several official's homes last night in New Orleans, demanding apologies, BRAINS!
Leonaro Fingerprink Authenic?
Leonardo fingerprint said to reveal $150 million artwork. Drawing of Fingerprint may be auctioned soon.
Bin Laden Looking Frail
Latest Bin Laden Video released and played on Al-Jazeera TV shows he's looking frail, talking mostly about President Bush and Tony Blair stepping down from their offices.
Not Even On Afghan Border
General Petraeus tells Pakistan leaders that there has been a misunderstanding after Pakistan planes carpet bomb carpet factory.
Obama Reaches Across Table
President Obama make another effort to reach across the aisle to Republicans as the next beer conferences will feature beer from company owned by Cindy McCain.
Lots Of Victims There
Bernie Madoff got into a fight in prison and he may not survive, as police transfer him to a halfway poorhouse.
Just Biden His Time
A White House insider has stated that President Obama does his consulting with Joe Biden when most people aren't around, including Joe Biden.
Partial Cure Discovered
Losing weight could reduce chances of catching the Swine Flu say authorities. "Though, like Prozac for Mad Cow Disease, it isn't 100% foolproof as many cows still highly pissed."
Whale Restaurants Closing
Japan agrees to close all their Kentucky Fried Whale and McMoby Restaurants after ten-year protest by Greenpeace. "So you can finally stop your blubbering", says Prime Minister.
New On The Pet Channel
High frequency All-Dog Show to be on Wednesday night on The Pet Channel. Could replace "Cat Aquarium" as top-rated show.
We Need Ralph Nader!
Non-voters, those who vote for "Santa Claus, Bugs Bunny" and Late Night Talk Show hosts urge Ralph Nader to run again in 2012.
Fraudster Loses Fun Race
Fraudster who claimed £23,000 disability benefits is caught taking part in 5km charity fun run. "Where's the fun?" asks the faker.
Most Are Politicians
Revealed: Britain's most prolific police officer (who's made 1,000 arrests in 18 months), condemned by all the major political parties.
Forgot The Mirror Test!
Family's fury as police halt funeral procession and demand further tests are carried out on body producing massive auto jam.
'Get used to being poor': Judge orders £400m divorce wife to be evicted from £8,000-a-month home. Salvation Army offer to step in and help.
Survey says airlines face balancing act, especially while up in the air.
Taylor Swift On SNL
Taylor Swift to host 'Saturday Night Live'! Wonder what their first comedy routine will be?
Inmates Cutting Prison Time
States letting inmates cut even more prison time by writing "I will never kill another prostitute in my life" on blackboards 1,000 times.
South Africa police fire rubber bullets at protesters, as protesters throw rubber bricks at police.
Get Your Facts Straight
Italy denies paying off Taliban in Afghanistan. "That was in Iraq, Pakistan" says, President Berlusconi.
Dems Working Hard
Democrats work hard to finalize health legislation get more awards for President Obama. Yesterday's receiving of the Award for Looking The Most Presidential mostly overlooked by media.
Honduran talks advance, but rivals urge caution as most of talks thus far have been name-calling!
Consumers Showing Signs Of Life
Consumers show signs of life as prices stay low. "But don't expect us to trample each other this year", says spokesman.
Just Like "Frosty"
Arctic ice cap 'to disappear in future summers', but promises children, "I'll be back again some day!"
Chinese Herbs Can Help
Chinese herbs show promise for diabetes prevention, penis erections, after completing 4000 year study.
Obama Finally Goes To New Orleans
President Obama makes first trip to New Orleans. Tells people there that FEMA practically ready to begin. "I saw them up the road only ten miles away.
Seniors: No COLA!
Social Security to make it official: No COLA! Plus, no cost of living increases, as we all are rich already.
Iran makes breakthrough on Advanced Nano-Nuke Technology
"We, the Great Republic of the Free People of Iran, only need 0.05 grams of enriched U to build 10 nano-nukes".
President Obama Is Married To His Cousin
666 times removed
His Highest Majesty, King and Source of all Light...
President Emperor Selassie Obama flew back to Washington, DC yesterday - whereupon Airforce One changed its call sign to: "The Ego Has Landed".
Cannibal Sues Wendy's
A Melanesian cannibal recently filed a class action lawsuit against Wendy's Restaraunt Inc. after finding an unwanted piece of chili on a human thumb that he was happily consuming for lunch.
Still More Awards
Michael Jackson up for posthumous awards. Family anxious that Obama will not get this one too, or that Kanye West will grab it from them.
Ups and Downs
Dow hits 10,000! House Speaker Pelosi is sad that she didn't invest some of the stimulus package money in the stock market.
Usual Bar Chatter
Confusion over Honduras accord. "I thought it 'Honda Accord' stated man at bar. "Maybe they make them in Honduras? Joe, they make Accords in Honduras? A Peace Accord? I guess they make pieces there."
What Democratic wife of a Republican governor feels that not holding a cell phone while driving, only applies to the great unwashed multitude of Californians?
One for the Gipper
Reverends Jackson and Sharpton drop objections to Rush Limbaugh buying an interest in the St. Louis Rams franchise. Jessie is to be the new General Manager and Al is to be the Offensive Line Coach!
Glad We Voted For Him
Obama calls for $250 payments to seniors. Loud cheer erupt from high school and college classrooms!
Rebel store advertises Christmas early
Grayson's Mart rebelled against the Northern Mall agreement of not selling Christmas items until December 1st. 'We think that every day should be Christmas,' said the manager.
Bonkers for Conkers
As Autumn kicks in, several illegal bareknuckle conker-fighting clubs have been unearthed by England and Wales police, and several hefty fines dished out. Could this be the last of the forty-niners?
Britney's new release
Britney Spears today released a record - that is, the Guinness world record for the largest poo by volume. She praised her dietician for the 37 pound (17 kg) wonder, and promised further releases.
Halloweening up the score
Dorset and Wiltshire goblins protested today about the upcoming Halloween plans, claiming that the occasion is now far too commercial. 'Why can't humans just stick to All Saints Day,' they say.
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