Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 13 October 2009
One bright spark
Scientific farmer, Norbert 'Lecky' Tonkin may have solved the UK's depleting energy sources. He planted several lightbulbs in spring, fed them elctro-compost and now has an orchard of lanterns.
Tantric phone call
A lady from Hull got herself into a tangle today by redialing her own number, using a new time-telphone. She proceeded to have a conversation with herself, and was unable to hang up.
Obama Upset with Pope
Pope referred to Obama as a real Saint walking among us; Obama got visibly upset with the Pope thinking that the Pope would recognize him as real deity.
It's Happened Again
Former national security adviser to Bill Clinton, Samuel "Sandy" Berger, confesses more Clinton national security files have been accidentally smuggled out and burned in his pants.
Joe Biden Confession
Joe Biden confesses that he doesn't know where we are in Afghanistan. "I was over there in person and I couldn't tell a Shiite from a Sunni", admits VP.
Now It's Larry Flynt!
Public shocked as publisher Larry Flynt admits to sex scandal. "First Letterman, now Flynt, who can you believe anymore?' asks Joe Public.
How Long Was That Study?
Research Scientist says that smoking some good marijuana could stave off Alzheimer's big old pink and blue rabbit holes in the air.
Letterman Ratings Back Down
David Letterman, whose ratings are back down this week, claims that he once ate an endangered species of frog legs after slipping waiter an extra $25.
NEVER to be found!
A Police Witness Protection Program has come up with a method for making certain that people entering the program are NEVER found by anyone. They just change the witness's name to G.Spot
Alliens Taking Away Freedoms
Rush Limbaugh says that illegal aliens are taking away our freedoms, like our freedom to pick tomatoes, lettuce.
Had To Eat My Weigh Out!
Kirsty Alley says she was doing great with the Jenny Craig Diet until she fell into that doughnut hole!
Jacque Cousteau III says that whales apparently sing to cover sonar waves from submarines. "Usually an old Moby Grape psychedelic number," claims Jacque.
New York Stories
Kind stranger brings in starving organ grinder and his last monkey to soup kitchen.
"It's The Toadrooms!"
Cub Scout leader gets his mushrooms confused as search party finds him and whole group 25-feet off the ground, shitting off tree limbs.
Not McCain, Surely
Middle Wing Talk Radio Host Sean Franken accuses Senator John McCain of pulling a Nancy Pelosi on the American people.
Gold, Sam Up Again
Gold, old guy singing on the first bench on the right in Washington Square, hit record highs!
Correction: Obama prize
Yesterday we reported Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize. Note that it should have read: Barack Obama has been awarded Ma Belle Pizzeria's Pizza Prize for one lucky caller.
It's About Time
Time Magazine finally puts out issue without Big Obama cover.
This week it has Judge Sotomayer holding up picture of the President.
Another VP Ignored
A surprised President Obama has Nobel Peace Prize grabbed from his hands by VP Joe Biden, who announces, "I'm still here, people! Ain't doing jack shit, but I'm stilllllll Herrrreee sob!"
NBC Peacock On Top!
NBC takes over first place on 10-12PM nightly shot of peacock changing colors, shapes. "Mary Jane has got us back on toke...top", says spokesman.
Cubs Lose Iraqi Pitcher
Chicago Cubs release outright the Iraqi shoe-hurler because of declaring bankruptcy. "He was too wild anyway", says former pitcher coach.
Obama Gets Another Award
Barack Obama gets first Presidential Beer Conference Award since Franklin D. Roosevelt received one for "The First Day Prohibition Ended".
Don't Ax Me Why!
Old book by Lizzie Borden title finally unscrambled from stains: "If I Had Done It, This Is How!"
Better Not Leave That Out!
Big debate over health care bill leads to heated head-shaking disagreements between some Democrats.
"Rainy Night In Georgia"
Still more rains in northern Georgia as officials there say that many dams, cows are at the tipping point.
Nothing Wrong With Them
FBI announces that giant recall of children's cold medicine in 2007 actually came from Meth Gang.
Keep Those Ono Records Handy
Study: High pitched noises coming from Yoko Ono on the earth the only thing keeping the big-eared Titanians from attacking!
Just Change The Name
Big early snow in Oslo, Norway causes committee to take away Al Gore's Nobel Prize and give it to Obama.
Giant Dinosaur footprints discovered last week in France turn out to be from recent visit of Kirsty Alley.
Taliban Has Too Many Chiefs
CIA says that the Taliban leadership is being questioned as heads roll.
Reaching Across The Firing Range
Democrats, Republicans finally agree on no hand guns, grenades, etc. allowed in congress during votes on health care.
Republicans Wish for Poor to Die
Republican lawmakers all agreed today that it would be best if all the poor, uninsured people in the U.S. simply died and left health care for those who can afford it.
Ex-President Bush Seeks New Friends
Former President George W Bush announced today that he would like some new friends and will be accepting applications. "Everyone hates me!" Bush lamented.
Obama's 'Cure' for Unemployment: Shoot the Bosses
When asked about Obama's new policy White House spokesperson replied: "I think the President has figured out that if you shoot the bosses, there will be no one left to fire the workers."
Senator Baucus Pities Fools
Finance Committee Chairman Sen. Max "BA" Baucus, D-Mont "Pities the fools" who will not support his Health Care reform bill scheduled to be voted on this Tuesday.
Obama Walking Funny
President Obama was checked out at a hospital this morning after walking funny when he woke up. However, a specialist determined that his walking problem resulted from all the ass-kissing of late.
Prison Governor leaves kids in Polanski's cell.
When asked why he would do that, the Governor replied: "Well, at least I know where they are."
Number One Holiday Gift
Economists predict that this year's number one recession Holiday gift? The fruitcake returned to you from last year.
"What Do WE Smoke?"
Raul Castro still pissed at brother, Fidel, after a weak Fidel was taken for over 10,000 most-expensive by Bernie Madoff.
Hannity On Peace Prize
Sean Hannity says he knows exactly how Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. "Have you heard those health care speeches lately? Put you right into a peaceful sleep."
Biden Out From Underfoot!
President Obama has announced that he is sending Vice President Joe Biden on a month-long tour of the North & South Poles to see how back global warming has become.
Brown requests that he be shot
United Kingdom PM Gordon Brown today revealed that he has no idea how to run the country and says if he were a horse the people should shoot him. Stig Brierly of Bolton says he will oblige the PM.
Help For Puss Syndrome
Study of mice with medication and meditation shows that they could care less if the cat ate them. Should help those humans in therapy for the fear of a cat eating them.
Scanners Boost Airline's Income
New Airport Nude scanners to offer "Best 100 Views" magazine at $5 each to passengers, free to frequent fliers.
Physicist working on Large Hadron Collider arrested for Al Qaeda links suddenly disappears into black hole!
Higher Voter Support For Legalized Pot
Legalization of marijuana gains support in California. Legalization of licking the backs of jumping frogs gains support in Calaveras County.
New Family Report
Only six in ten children share a home with both parents. However, most families do not have ten children.
Postal Strike Oct. 22
National postal strike set for October 22 if Royal Mail rejects last-ditch union peace offer. "Better mail those Christmas cards today."
"Mom Says The Answer Is 754!"
School becomes first to lift classroom ban on mobile phones and MP3 players as every room sounds like a ring tone band practice.
Prices Are Down
Inflation slumps to lowest rate for five years. Experts credit nobody purchasing anything.
Cigarette Machines Disappear
MPs vote to ban cigarette machines and bar display of tobacco in shops. Black Market spokesperson says it should have been done a long time ago."
New Naked Photos
Airport passengers to have 'naked' photos taken by full-body X-ray machine. "Volunteer workers will save Airports millions," says Spokesman.
Woman Marched Off Plane
Humiliated' businesswoman frog-marched off British Airways flight in row over mobile phone and it's "I Shot The Sheriff" ring tone.
More Art Class Violence
School fined as girl loses fingers in art lesson, boy cuts off his own ear.
Chicago Cubs file Chapter 11 to speed team's sale. Will be given another 100 years to work things out.
Anka Gets Credit
Paul Anka gets credit for co-writing Jackson single, "Put Your Nose On My Shoulder".
Grandchildren Can Now Sue
MLK's children settle lawsuit over estate. Plus, it only took a little over 40 years, short by today's judicial decisions.
Female athlete sets new shot put record at age 100. Only competitor barely missing big toe.
Obama Sends 13,000 Troops
Obama approves 13,000 more troops to Afghanistan. General thanks him for his token support. "This, at least, will give us some cooks."
Not Necessarily Iran
US wants bunker-buster fast, denies Iran is reason. "Could be used to wipe out zombies in Haiti who live underground", says Colonel.
Obama Deploys 14,000 Troops to Fox News Headquarters
After consulting with his newly elected Army Chief of Staff, Will.i.am, President Barack Obama ordered an additional 14,000 troops to storm Fox New's Headquarters in NYC.
A blind delivery
The A-1 delivery company apologised today after 55 blind dogs were delivered to an equal number of bemused tour guides.
On yer bike!
Several employees at the UK Go-bike cycle company are to
grow handlebar moustaches, to promote cycling. One or two will also wear bell-bottoms, pumps and Panier shorts.
From the dreams of Androids
The first batch of electric sheep were released today. West Country farmers hope to use the wire wool produced to create scouring pads.
Dunking stools to be used to test granny for cancer
She drowns, she does not have cancer.
She survives, test her again to make sure.
Repeat. It's in the new health plan.
'This ish it!' scream Michael Jackson fans after hearing
'This ish it!', screamed excited Michael Jackson fans, as they stepped in it once again!
Can't Own Players!
Former President Jimmy Carter says Rush Limbaugh trying to buy the St Louis Rams with black players is an act of racism!
Just Wait Until I Do Something!
The Obamas go out to celebrate his first big success since becoming President: Winning the Nobel Peace Prize!
Economy Conference Not Too Bad
Some good news, this year's G-8 conference on the economy only cost $10 million, not counting police overtime work with protesters.
Germans think themselves to be German
In a recent survey, 65% of Germans considered themselves "very German", with only 18% saying they were "a bit German". The rest refused to answer the question as it was not worded efficiently enough.
This Year: Socks For Everybody!
Poll says that most seen signs being seen in malls this year is "Let's put the greed back into Christmas!"
Penis usage up in the UK
British men now lead Europe in penis usage, with a utilisation rate of 58%, greater than any other EU country.
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