Spoof news snippets from October 2009
There were 1,464 spoof news snippets published in October 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
X Factor bummery question mark rocks the show !
C**ts John & Edward off the X factor deny that their hair was caused by an encounter with one of Louis Walsh's Vulcanised Anal Fists, "'tis spunk that holds it up and nothing but" they quipped today.
X Factor - pernicious bumming allegations will not stop !
Louis Walsh has denied that sexual attraction had any part in his choice to keep sh*ts John and Edward in the X Factor "That's rubbish" he quipped as he pulled gelled blonde pubes from his teeth.
Walsh admits being knob jockey
Pervert Louis Walsh today admitted his hormones had skewed his thinking on the X Factor, I had to keep John and Edward he wheezed, otherwise there wouldn't have been enough cocks in the competition !
Willie Nelson, 90, and Still Smokin' Strong
Willie Nelson has just turned 90. He says that he has a walker but he only uses it on certain occasions, like when he needs to walk.
Leslie Nielsen and The Next Naked Gun Sequel
Leslie Nielsen, 93, has just signed to star in Naked Gun 13 - The Limp Bullets.
X Factor Business as Usual
Despite Louis Walsh's absence, the X factor remained true to form with contractually obligated tears from toxic waste judges, also turds John & Edward became as annoying a hot poker in the sphincter.
British Union of Masturbators in Uproar
The British Union of Masturbators(B.U.M)is in uproar after Kandy Rain were sacked from the X Factor. Trout Bulging of B.U.M said, "We just can't bash one out over John & Edward, bring back the Rain!"
Sam Houston and That City Named After Him
173 years ago, Sam Houston became the first president of the Republic of Texas. Two years later the state named a city in his honor. Sam, Texas is located 30 miles north of San Antonio.
Gateley injuries Boxing related say Spanish Police
Jose Greazer Police Chief for Spanish Gay Matters has announced that Stephen Gateley's death may be boxing related, "We have ze evidence zat Stephen may have been battered in ze Ring!" he announced.
The reason the number of lesbians in college plunges in their senior year is due to them knowing that daddy will stop paying their bills, and now needing a husband instead. Beats getting a job.
"Baby can you dig your man" hits the top twenty!
With a bullet! This new hit from Larry Underwood's album "Pocket Savior" is expected to go Gold! Party hound Larry is currently unavailable for comment, having gone to visit his mom in New York.
...if he was attracted to the ladyboy in "The Crying Game" does that make him gay, even though he doesn't like men? 96% of men surveyed said, "Hell, yes!". The other four percent were fags.
A burning question, since 1977
Instead of the Jedi trained using the force to throw heavy machines and objects at each other, why don't they just use it to squeeze the other guy's heart to death, or give him a lobotomy?
Michelle "The Sleeveless First Mama" Obama
Michelle Obama says that she will continue to go sleeveless just to piss off (her words) the fashion critics. She has already said that she will be buying a sleeveless winter coat.
Albanians announce mobile communications breakthrough
Albanian Mobile phone giant FELCH today announced a breakthrough, "we have enough yoghurt pots & string to accommodate every man,woman & sheep texts can also be sent by our Carrier Sparrow service".
Eastern European immigrants learn fast!
For instance, in six short months, your average Slav will start taking the dishes out of the sink before pissing in it. And most all their women stop using a rolled up sock during "that time".
Mumia Abu Jamal says...
"What, with all this Roman Polanski crap, and suddenly I don't exist? Shee-it. I was accused of worse stuff than he admitted to."
Insiders wonder, "Why does Congress still exist?"
Congress exists solely to create laws, and as they've had over 200 years to do so, aren't all the laws we need passed yet? I mean, is murder still legal or something? When are they finished?
Mark Twain says...
"I see now that when imagining the future of man's humanitarian development, I wasn't pessimistic enough."
7 year old made mommy cry
Bruce, age 7, recently made his divorced mom cry. After a weekend with dad and his fiancee Heather, his mom took him to the park. Said Bruce to his mom, "Heather Mom is more fun, and prettier, too."
In financial news...
Researchers have discovered that if you laid every economist end to end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.
Your boss is looking over your shoulder, cubicle boy
Yes, I mean YOUR shoulder, Mr. "I read TheSpoof at work". Quick, mutter to yourself, "This isn't the link I clicked on!" and get back to work. Pretend you don't know he's behind you. Good luck.
Chancellor Adam Sutler wants...
...everyone to remember why they need him.
Boyfriends of America wonder...
...why their girlfriend's can't be roommates with a psychologically disturbed "single white female" Jennifer Jason Leigh who will sneak over one night and blow them while they are still sleeping.
When your girlfriend calls you and you pretend it's a wrong number, due to your wife being with you, just know that she's not fooled. No one gets that many wrong numbers, dude.
Man vainly attempts to impress family
At the WingDing in Akron, Ohio, Jim Tessmacher failed to impress his family by eating 21 hot wings and getting his picture put on their Wall of Flame. He was impressed with his success, they weren't.
The video store will not carry your favorite movie anymore
Yes, they are full well aware that it is a timeless classic with subtle nuances and a stellar cast. However, they need to make room for "Jason versus the Terminator Part III, The Reckoning".
Did you know?
The cutie three cubicles down from you has avoided censure from her boss five times, simply by sucking on her pencil, looking up at him coyly, and thanking him for hiring her before he can speak?
Deaf Votes rule on X Factor
Spunk Hair-Gel oxygen wasters John & Edward have successfully gobbled off Louis Walsh for another week,outing Miss Frank and surviving like a persistent cancer. Mass Suicides predicted in Da' Hood !
Fundy Christians happy about 2012
"This time it's them there Hollywood liberals and pagan Mayans and Wiccans and such talkin' bout da end times! And when they's wrong, we can laugh at them fo a change!", said Reverend Billy Bubba.
Lt. Kaffee learned he actually can't handle the truth
Ever since 9/11 he now knows that he wants Colonel Jessup on those walls, and he needs him on those walls. He didn't want to talk about this at his cocktail parties, but he knows it's true now.
Paris Hilton advises Emma Watson
"You're old enough to know now", said Paris. "You can whore around any where on Earth, but if you get pregnant, don't have it in Australia. Or a dingo will eat it."
Man sues John Cusack
A man was given 3 days in jail for the same behavior he saw John Cusack do in "Say Anything". He was arrested while holding a boom box over his head at his former girlfriend's house.
Supreme Court obsolete?
Since they insist that they don't make laws, what actually is their point? If it's just to say what the Constitution means, couldn't we fire them, and just buy a dictionary?
Experts question the killing of those we liberate
If our goal in a military intervention is to simply free the people, why do we fight the military of that nation, and bomb the civilians? Shouldn't we just kill the evil leader and be done with it?
Jennifer Aniston Enters Rehab
Jennifer Aniston has entered a rehab clinic to try and find out why in the world she cannot seem to keep a boyfriend.
Dingo population dwindling
A years long campaign is finally showing some results, as more Australian women decide not to leave their babies unattended in the Outback. Less food for the dingo is dropping their numbers greatly.
Govt Czar For Less Is More Makes Statement.
More or less says that less is more. Or something.
If you laid all the feminists from end to end...
...they'd all be a damn sight happier.
Your girlfriend will be home late today.
I'll get her home as soon as I'm done. I appreciate the loan, you've been a good sport about this. Hope you enjoy those tricks I taught her.
Man corrects his wife
A woman expressed concern with her husband that the dress she was wearing made her ass look big. The husband helpfully let her know that the dress did not make her ass look big, the fat in it did.
Geraldo Rivera's Muchly Deserved Awards
Geraldo Rivera has just received three awards; Hispanic of The Year, Reporter of The Year, and Has-Been of The Year.
The Actor Formerly Known As Kevin Bacon
In keeping with his strict food regimen, Kevin Bacon has just announced that he will be changing his name to Kevin Diet Bacon.
Manchester council have produced a leaflet: 'A sex guide for the over 50s' as a prequel to 'Prostitution for the over 70s'.
Tori Spelling dieing to get in news!
The actress who sold her soul for some semblence of an acting career, has now had to drop her weight dramatically to get notice. She denies it is 95 pounds, though. Her agent insists it's 89 pounds.
Top of fold achieved by newest writer for TheSpoof!
Being of an old fashioned bent, it was insufficient for Alexandria177 to be in the top twenty. He thus endlessly typed so as to gain the number 11 rank, thus putting his name above the fold.
No need to pay for teeth whiteners!
Mothers and dentists throughout America have joined forces to share that secret with you on line for pennies! But I will share it for free - floss and brush daily, and stop with the coffee and ciggs!
Financial experts warn that dollars are just monopoly money
While financial experts report that there is an equivalancy between the dollars our government is endlessly printing, and monopoly money, they are still insisting on being paid in dollars.
Australia allows 13 year old to be a women's fashion model
They believe that having a 13 year old girl dress as a woman in clothes designed to excite lust is a good idea. They warn that if a man finds himself attracted though, he's a pervert.
Obama proves the equality of the races
By proving during his Presidency that African Americans are as capable of lying and being full of shit as European descended Presidents are. Now we know.
Chinese to save Earth from global warming
Tomorrow the Chinese are going to adjust the orbit of Earth, by climbing up on to chairs and jumping down. The impact of a billion people landing at once will bump us away from the sun.
Nut screws washers and bolts
A mentally disturbed man raped two laundry women at the Sunnydale Asylum for the deranged, before escaping. The police are still looking.
Local Man Sues Dating Agency
Promised a meet with a redhead. Date had no hair, just a red head.
Reader - don't answer the door today
There's a process server coming by today for you - yes, you - and it's papers from that woman you met three months ago at that bar. Yes, you only slept with her once, but guess what? She's pregnant.
Galt's Gulch exists
Ayn Rand's utopia, where all the men of intellect and integrity live in splendor, actually does exist in the mountains of Colorado. They're all doing great. You're not invited. A is A, moocher.
Panel advises that moon trip may be impractical
"It would be much harder to go this time, as we'd actually have to go for real, instead of just faking like last time.", said the spokesman. "And we just found out there's no air up there."
Billy Graham and James W. Von Brunn
The Slate lists both as "religious leaders" over 80 years old. Von Brunn, who has no church, was the guy who opened fire at the Holocaust Museum. Guess The Slate has funny ideas about religion.
Barbara Walters is eighty years old
But she doesn't look a day over ninety. Her laughlines - that would put an interstate highway map to shame - come from having heard someone refer to her as a "top notch journalist and interviewer".
Jehovah's Witnesses know the day!
The Witnesses have now narrowed down the day of Judgement, and know what day it will be. The day is accurate, plus or minus three days. Wednesday.
The Hyphenated Catherine Zeta-Jones
After years of debating back and forth with herself, Catherine Zeta-Jones has decided to drop the hyphen. She did however add that she will be keeping Michael.
Statue of the Virgin Mary Weeps at Donegal Shrine
A statue of the Virgin Mary was found to be weeping in a Donegal shrine today. Meanwhile, Mick McManus was slicing raw onions at O'Rourke's Cafe next-door
White Republican pleads with Black Democrat - "Free Jack Johnson!"
In a stunning reversal of roles a white conservative - McCain - is pleading for a black liberal - Obama - to pardon the 1908 heavyweight champion for sleeping with a - wait for it! - white woman!
Satirist finds key to funny
Any article can be made funnier by putting in a reference to an Australian baby being ate by a dingo.
Bush family to take over Kennedy clan
Citing the need for new blood, and a proven ability to breed, the dynastic Bush family plans to marry the Kennedy clan into themselves. Thus in two more generations, they will rule America forever.
Scientist says base quantum mathematical equation is wrong
"The equation, pq - qp = (h/2pi)/i, is incorrect. pq - qp should always equal zero and obviously (h/2pi)/i does not equal zero at all. Don't fall for that old "Matrice Mathematics" crap, either." He says.
New survey surprises everyone
A survey conducted by Google reveals that 98% of all people posting on line have IQs of "at least" 140. Just ask them. This surprised each on line genius, as each thought they were alone.
Two Jehovah's Witnesses slain by gun fire
Tragedy struck two New Jersey witnesses when they were killed outside the door of Bruiser Mancini. He saw two men in suits, and assumed they were Feds come to arrest him. No Watchtower was left.
Obama's $250 already spent
The money that Obama is seeking to bribe grandmothers with has in the main already been spent by all fifty million of them. Surveys suggest that most of it will be spent on cat food and litter.
Man tricked into grocery shopping
Pleased to hear there'd be steak for dinner, a man volunteered to go to the store to pick up some A-1 sauce. It was a trick though, as once he agreed, a dozen more items were added to the list.
It's a good life
In Obama's America, a man working two part time janitorial jobs just to keep the trailer rent paid, found not one, but two pieces of pork fat in his can of Pork and Beans he was having for dinner.
Mel Gibson to produce and star in new movie
Called "The Eternal Jew", it is a remake of a 1940 German classic. True to Gibson's artistic integrity, the languages will be principally German and a bastardized sub-language known as "Yiddish".
Swedish Bikini Models march nude through towns
To promote awareness about animal rights, these PETA sponsored super models are marching through every town except for your's. Your town already loves animals, and has no need to see the models.
Obama amazed that he could triple America's deficit
Contemplating the amazing feat of growing America's deficit to almost 2 trillion dollars, Obama reflects, "And to think my Kenyan village tribal chief said I'd never amount to anything!"
Vandalism at Nudist Colony
It was reported that vandals drilled holes in the fences of a local nudist colony last night. Police are looking into it.
Man smokes but avoids lung cancer
A man has avoided lung cancer by taking the extra time to sort through, and only buy, the packs of cigarettes that say pregnant women shouldn't smoke. He avoids packs that say they cause lung cancer.
Arnold to run for President in 2012
Speaking from the governor's mansion, Arnold asked, "If some Kenyan can be President, then why can't I?" Orly Taitz commented, "At least he's honest."
Pee Wee Herman has not been caught masturbating since 1991
Investigators report that this can only mean that he has found a very, very good hiding place for when he does indulge in self-abuse.
This actually is the Matrix
And you are in it, it's just that you aren't as smart as Neo Anderson, nor does the resistance need you. So continue to live your meaningless life, and if we win, we'll try to remember to free you.
Suicide by Redneck
In a new twist on the old method of "suicide by cop", some down hearted folks are ending their miserable life by walking into a honky tonk and saying that Dale Earnhardt sucked shit.
Reader - warn your process server
That son of a bitch who knocked you up - yes, you - three months ago and then never called is going to try to evade service today. Have the server catch him at work.
Where's Lt. Reginald Barclay?
At the moment he is in Holodeck Three, with a rather stunning re-creation of your mother in her prime. Her inertial dampers are definitely off line, if you know what I mean!
Donald Trump attacked
A visitor from the Ozarks saw him on the street and leapt upon the Donald's head in an attempt to capture the squirrel there.
Are you an American?
If you know the cast of "Family Guy", but can't say who wrote "The Age of Reason", you might be.
Meg Ryan wins award!
For the 11th consecutive year, Meg Ryan has won NAMBLA's prestigious BILF award. If you don't get that, ask your teacher.
Breast Cancer prevention advice available!
And straight from the lips of the actress best known for playing Chrissy Snow on "Three's Company". Just remember, Doctors advise seeking second opinions, so make sure you consult Oprah, too.
There's a reason why she didn't answer the phone last night
I know you've been wondering why she didn't. Was it off, was the battery dead? Well, you know the reason you find most believable, and I'm here to tell you you're right. That was it.
Doctors prescribe "TheSpoof"
Any time they determine that one of their patients needs some more irony in their diet.
Billy Graham still opposes communism
Rev. Graham, listed as one of the top ten admired men in America, had been an advisor to every President from Eisenhower to George W. But he still won't be Obama's advisor. What does that tell you?
Liberals swear that Public Option healthcare will work
They cite the obvious fact that we've had public option health care in our prisons for years, and we've certainly heard no complaints. Worked well at the VA, too. Just ask a vet.
Rihanna's New Untribute Song To Chris Brown
Rhythm and Blues singer Rihanna has recorded a song about her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown. The song is titled, "Okay Sucker, Grow Some And Admit That I Did Not Trip On My Imported Italian High Heels.
DJ Ray Flowers shot
He insisted on refering to H1N1 swine flu as "Captain Tripps" in an attempt to promote panic and riots. He also reported on a mass grave of supposed flu victims. His license was revoked, by an M-16.
It Happens All the Time!
A Spanish Lady has thanked a 'guardian angel' who diagnosed her with a rare disease. With her dying breath, the Senorita was able to say "thank you." Madrid police have warned girls to stay away from buses.
Who is John Galt?
"And where is he when we need him?", ask many. However, he has gone into hiding, and our government is powerless to bring him back. Now would be a good time to head for the hills.
Dead body found outside Fox News
The woman had no identification on her, and police have no leads. Mysteriously, the initials "GB" were inked on her left cheek.
Klingon High Council shocker!
Sources now say that Worf's father Mog may not have actually been a traitor, but rather that Duras's father was. Worf may have accepted disaccomodation for the good of the Empire.
Your mother left her bracelet on my nightstand
If you (yes, you, the one reading this now) could have your mother come get it, I'd appreciate it. My wife is coming home later, and if she finds it she'll be upset.
You are right to feel regret about that lost opportunity
The cute girl in English class would have gone out with you if you'd asked, and she'd have gone all the way, too. And she would have been much better for you than the woman you did marry.
"Duran Duran still rules" says your dad
"You kids don't appreciate good music.", said your dad last night. "And when are you moving out?"
Scientists discover alternate universe
There, they say, the U.S. Constitution is not ignored, the police actually serve and protect, scientists are more popular than sports stars, and you still can't get laid without paying for it.
Rookie policeman puzzled
A rookie policeman, just graduated from the police acadamy is puzzled. "They had me swear an oath, to uphold and defend the Constitution, but since I've started work, we violate it every day."
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