Spoof news snippets from Sunday 8 November 2009
New Congressman Scores 4 Lies iIn First Hour!
New Congressman breaks 4 campaign promises in first hour. "He'll have a great future here", say old timers.
Naked Wouldn't Help
Michael Phelps tells ABC Sports that swimming in new swimsuits faster than swimming nude because of rudder effect of privates.
Nude Accordian Player Injured
In Baton Rouge, Lousiana, an accordion player was seriously hurt at a nudist colony party. At first crowd thought "Yaaaiii!" was part of Cajun performance.
Obama: 99% Good Weekend
President Obama loves vote outcome on health care bill. "Would have been a perfect weekend if Salad Czar at White House hadn't informed me that he hates artichoke hearts."
2009 Worst Costume
Voted the worst costume at this past Halloween parties, big women dressed as Elvira wearing a turtle neck sweater.
West Bank Loan?
In world news, President Obama has sent an envoy to meet with the leaders of the West Bank, which is asking the UN for a bailout.
Has Twelve-Foot Beard
Thousands flee as Ben Ladinzilla emerges from an old cave in Yucca Mountain.
McCain Regretted VP Choice?
Senator John McCain when asked if he ever regretted asking Sarah Palin to run as his running mate stated "No." (pause). "Well, perhaps after the 100th moose joke."
Identity Thief Caught
Police in Chicago say they have picked up an identity thief that has stolen so many identities that he's forgotten who he is. Please check photo in Daily News.
Car & Driver says that a little tap on the horn to let the person in front know that light has turned to green is seldom appreciated, but you should try it before bumping the rear end & using finger.
ACLU Defends Rights Of Zombies
A spokesperson for the ACLU announced yesterday that they will defend the rights of zombies to eat brains but only immediately after plug is pulled.
"Alex, I'll Take F........"
NASA sent out a warning this morning that the coming spring sun spots could jeopardize the watching of Jeopardy.
"Get Out Before I Thump You On The Head!"
Bob Newhart goes into violent rage after "holding it in" for nearly 80 years!
Forget The Hand Clapping This Time
Paleontologists exploring new areas of the Amazon Forest report the finding of a tribe of Lost Boys who were rescued from "flying glowing mosquito-looking thing" they shot down.
FDA Approves New Doug
The Food & Drug Administration has approved the hiring of Doctor Douglas Daugherty to replace former Alcohol Division Head, Dr. Douglas Renfro.
VP Changing Image
With continued popularity of having a black President in the White House, VP Joe Biden starting to wear hair plugs in corn rows.
"Speaking Of Photo Replay..."
Most boring guy at the sports bar somehow connects over a dozen football plays to pictures of his grandchildren in billfold.
"Only One Last Year"
Over Halloween, three dead old witches who apparently flew brooms into trees discovered by Bear Wallow, Ky. police and taken to funeral home.
Worst Swine Flu Outbreaks AroundThanksgiving
Obese people told to be sure of getting Swine Flu shots, especially as Thanksgiving and making a pig of yourself is on the way.
"The Eyes Of Newt Are Upon You"
Newt Gingrich says he's still keeping an eye on possibility of running for president in 2012.
Gives Himself Away
After woman tells man on NYC bus that it's true that men think with their penis replies that he had given the matter little thought.
Foreman Has Accident
George Foreman hits head on open kitchen cabinet door, grills his own privates and passes out.
ALI: "And I thought that I was in bad shape."
Dunkin Donuts Excluded
Duncan Hines sues Duncan Yoyo's for catching the blame for number of yoyo dieters.
One In Every Crowd
Showoff health freak says that he drinks nine full glasses of water a day.
Stootsville Changes Name To Pleasant City
Out of season gay tornado leaves Pleasant City, Oklahoma looking like a new town.
Slaves Are Free!
President Obama frees the slaves! Signs bill before Democrats in House & Senate. Three major TV networks and Reid and Pelosi say they will stay on anyway.
Tennessee Outlaws Gay Divorce!
The state of Tennessee becomes the first to outlaw gay divorces. "Country music stars have already given us a black eye. We just will not allow this in our state. Marriage is for life!"
Perish The Thought
In Arlington, Texas today, some smartass has blown up MENSA headquarters. No one was hurt as building was empty. But many thoughts perished.
Morrisey Hits Bottle!
No sorry that's my mistake, it should be Morrisey hit by bottle
Gang Bullies Alaskan Youth
Police in Juneau, Alaska arrest five members of a gang this morning after finding two whole streets of youth on their way to school with tongues stuck to cold parking meters, pants pulled down.
A really fat man was arrested at Kennedy Airport today when a good size container of drugs found in stomach folds.
Future Prediction A Whopper
New predictions of US growth says population could overpower food supply. "It's not that we'll have too many people, it's that those we do have will have gained an average of another ten pounds each."
Write Ahmed Not Ahmid
New York Times accuses writer of bestseller, "When Suicide Car Bombers Collide" of using a ghost writer.
"This Water Tastes Like Prozac But I Don't Care"
On Oprah, Doctor Oz says more Americans will live to be 100 than ever because of so many drugs now in our rivers.
Several Marchers Disagreed
Even some of their own marchers disagree over whether they should have had Gay Prude Day Parade in Pensacola today
Top Baseball Topic
The leading Hot Stove topic for baseball fans this winter: How to burn down Yankee Stadium.
Biden The Mouth Strikes Again!
VP Joe Biden at it again: "Well, his is longer but mine's fatter!
Consumer Confidence Continues To Droop
Consumer confidence is the lowest since Grog failed in 121st attempt to invent the wheel.
Oil $90 A Barrel
OPEC raises price of a barrel of oil to $90! Say there is a shortage of barrels.
The Viagra Spokesman
Lyndon Johnson beats out George W. Bush as best lame duck president ever. Bob Dole named best lame dick VP ever.
"Nice Message Of Thanks Came Today, Hon"
The Fortune 500 would like to thank you and your children through the tenth generation for their recent bailout.
Tough Love With Kids A Good Thing
Parents who give children 'tough love' do better in life, as neighbors on the block don't mess with you.
Eight Cups Of Tea!
Eight cups of tea a day are good for you, says nutrition expert. Long lines in front of office toilets, not.
Low Pay But Good Benefits
Civil servants being given time off for shopping trips, cake baking competitions, nap time and sex.
MPs' expenses watchdog 'in wrong frame of mind' as third marriage fails after 29 years. First two lasted over 40 years.
Lindsay Lohan's Tears Power New Cell Phone
"Mean Girl" seen crying into her mobile. "Lindsay is beta testing our latest cell phone," said WelshV, a Welsh telecom spinout sponsored by International Business Wales.
No To Sex Tax
Humiliation for Brown as plan for global sex tax is rejected by U.S. and others at G20 meeting. Bill Clinton speaks against, Ralph Nader for.
Protest From Lollipop Guild
Wanted: The teen girl muggers who punched a two-year-old toddler in the head. Lollipop taken.
"Big Brother" Watching Closer
Mother trailed by policeman and warned by council for telling off son at checkout. Council next heads for spying in toilet stalls.
Glad To See Me?
The 1 in 40 chance that the pound in your pocket is a fake. The same thing goes for the flounder.
Two Lucky Brits
Two lucky Britons rocket into world of the super-rich as they step forward to claim their share of the £90m EuroMillions jackpot. Thousands of "trophy wife" applications being received.
It's In The Mail
Many seniors that voted for Obama say that his "no raise on Society Security" a reality check.
Many Against Student Fee Rise
Many reportedly 'against student fee rise'. Youth say they hate to forfeit lunch money.
Rail Line Hit
Rail line hit by driver shortage, number of cows on the tracks.
New Studies Out
Tough love 'is good for children' Also, 'Tough Titty is good for the infants'!
Intelligence Squared Debate: The Catholic Church is a force for good in the world? Are moderate Muslim car bombers a force for good in helping world over-population?
Another Leader Hoax
A hoaxer pretending to be Brazilian President da Silva was interviewed by Portuguese-language radio stations before being found out. Same guy who did "Castro Dying Performance" two years ago.
US Health Care Passed
US House passes health care reforms. Told by "Freedom Fighters' that they will need it.
Miss England Gives Up Crown
Miss England gives up crown over big bra reports. I'm sorry, that should be "over big brawl reports".
Plays Part Of "The Good Panda"
China sends panda expert with his panda suit to Taiwan to aid breeding.
Democrat controlled House kills Republican health overhaul bill, Republican who proposed it.
Plus, 950 Her Lucky Number
South Korean woman passes driver's exam, small turd on her 950th try.
Some Saw Problems Ahead
Some saw trouble ahead with Fort Hood shooter. "He was constantly boasting that he could cut your head off in less than 60 seconds," say several.
The Unite Way Approved
United Way promotes greeting card program: "Thank you for the Way we United last night".
A Yosemite Sam Drunk Could Be Rough
Lawmakers are reviving an old request to be able to sell alcohol at state resort parks as snowmobile riders say they need a shot of bourbon now & then to chase bison in the cold.
Warnings Against Muslim Backlash
Homeland chief warns Americans against anti-Muslim backlash. "They have right to religious beliefs to kill the rest of us."
Open day at Swiss Mosques attracts 5 tramps, 2 stray dogs + hoardes of sewer rats!
Swiss Muslims opened their Mosques to the public and wished they hadn't, 5 tramps, 2 stray dogs and sewer rats invaded them, only problem was, they didn't remove their shoes!
Japan In Space
Japan eyes solar station in space to beam back energy. Power rockets in case they have to escape sleeping Godzilla.
For sale: Female only telephone. Only works for my wife. Whenever I answer it, there's nobody there. £30.
House Passes Health Care Reform
Further proof that the opposite of progress is still Congress.
Aspartame Boy to fire his readers for not reading enough of his stuff
Aspartame Boy just checked, and his readers must be snoozing. So, he is going to fire them all in the morning. So, better read up now, cause you all go in the morning!
In Dick Cheney's Latest Speech
Dick Cheney had two words for the President: "You Suck".
Spam In Ghana
Ghana women are complaining about getting dozens of spam messages on the internet promising to stretch hoop in their lips another two inches.
Guess That's What They're Doing
Couple lying on the floor of the bar moving their legs apparently think they're dancing.
New Jersey Changing
In state news the US government has given it's approval to the citizens of New Jersey, who say they are tired of all the late-night jokes, permission to change their state name to New Guernsey.
Smokeless Tobacco A Start
Poll shows that most people approve of smokeless tobacco at least until person can shake the habit. Big splashes of spit is so much more attractive than those old cigarette butts.
Suicide Bombers Discouraged
Muslim holy men have received a message from Yasser Arafat reporting that he is sorry but he's been gone awhile and there are no more virgins left.
President Kafka Transforming Faster than a flashing Blue Light
From President Cool to President Ditherer to President "In Denial" as US job figures climb to stratospheric heights on his watch.
The latest rumor around Hollywood is that the name of the Golden Globes may be changed to the Cuddly Cantaloupes.
The Earth Cleaning Itself
Yet another study says that the number one pollution source of the world's oceans is neither spilled oil nor man's garbage but whale shit.
Jeremy Clarkson Leaves Wife and Kids for Peter Mandleson
Telling close friends to get him a rope before Mandy fell for another guy; Clarkson spoke of his love and fondness for Mandelson in today's Sunday Times.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!