Spoof news snippets from Saturday 7 November 2009
Gloom at International Business Wales
IBW staffers clobbered by Christmas Party Grinch - WAG withdraws Christmas Party subsidy out of fear of more embarrassing articles in Wales' National Newspaper - "The What's It".
"Hello Boys"; "Bra free" Britney Spears
Journalists' claim Spears forgets to wear bra - but Spears is wearing falsies attached to a rear strap that Spears forgets to tighten up.
The New Miss England Is a Soldier
The new Miss England happens to be a front-line soldier. She is being posted to Afghanistan. She is so 'drop dead gorgeous' that it is hoped that she will be able to 'kill' a few Taleban insurgents.
Chris Brown's Feelings Hurt
Chris Brown says he wishes Rihanna had been a little more considerable for his feelings before she opened her big mouth and told their story on TV.
Aliens complain the since switch to digital television they can no longer watch Seinfeld Drama.
"And How Many Children Are You?"
President Obama says that most jobs for census takers being outsourced to India.
The UN bans shipment of all cartoons that contain characters that smoke during shows. Sex OK'd.
Debate Red Hot
Health Care debate heats up again as Nancy Pelosi somehow hotfooted while using gavel over argument.
Letterman Apologizes Again
David Letterman now admits to hiding Osama Bin Laden for six months as crowd fall from chairs laughing.
Parent organization criticizes Jon & Kate Plus Eight for airing their dirty laundry on television.
Bridge Destroyer Caught
Man arrested in San Fran for blowing up bridge. When asked why, he said he wanted a fresh start and was going to burn the bridge behind him, then he suddenly thought blowing them up would be more fun.
Gotta Live Your Own Life
Parents of 21-year-old murderer tell judge they tried to raise little Hitler Manson McVeigh right but sometimes things just happen.
Joe Wilson "Obama IS dithering, I looked it up!"
"dithering heights has always been one of my favorite books, too."
Pointing The Way To Better economy
Both the makers of Levitra and Viagra say their products are up several points all across the nation.
New Law At Bordello Falls Bars
A new law in Bordello Falls would ban any prospectors from bars until they have had at least 48 beanless hours.
Number 2's Driver Arrested
Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid announced this morning that the democrats have hunted down and arrested former VP Cheney's driver and two of his aides.
No Thanksgiving Pardon?
President Obama said he will not pardon this years White House turkey, Joe Biden, if he puts his foot in his mouth one more time.
Saddam Book Finally Found
Script of famous Saddam Hussein novel he said he was writing found in one of his many homes. Surprisingly, it's about his 1988 trip to Mexico entitled, "The Mother Of All Shits!"
There He Goes, Knuckles On Ground
Leading evolutionists disappointed as idiot found wandering Mojave Desert to out to be the missing Dink.
"I Totally Forgot That One Was There!"
Man missing since Monday blamed on police negligence as he's been hiding inside chalk outline for two days.
New Even Smarter Bomb!
New U.S. Smart Bomb talks other bombs into going off in stockpiles.
Lit & Run Incident Not So Funny!
A Mountain View, California man has been sentenced to 5 years for fatal lit-and-run accident after lighting fart causes wino to explode!
Name Change Helps
The Polar Bear Club, who usually dive into frigid waters in their swimsuits, have changed their name due to global warming. It is now The Polar Bare Club and the numbers are growing.
Same-Sex Mariages Boring?
In a recent poll most married people say they were mostly against same-sex marriages because they like theirs spiced up every now and again.
Nader Having Problems?
Friends of Ralph Nader fear for his health as he has a hard time recalling things of late, totally missing the Toyota floor mat deal.
Lindsay Lohan using Father to stay in the News
Contrary to Lohan's assertion that her father was using her to stay in the news - Lohan now says her father threatened to be nice to her mother.
"Mind-blowing sex: woman suffers amnesia after intercourse"
Thought Wales was still good at Rugby and the streets in London were "lined with gold".
"The Devil is in the Details"
Spoof Quotes from WAG (Welsh Assembly Government) investigation into IBW's expenses; Q: how big's the slush fund? A: we don't need a slush fund.
Line Back Out Door Into Parking Lot
Fired, drunken postal employee comes back to the post office with 110-pound, four by six-foot envelope to Tuvalu.
Communication Issue at International Business Wales
Said one IBW staffer: "I thought 'Dog House' meant I could kennel my dog there when I'm away on first-class working trips to Vegas."
Had Enough Of Her Mouth!
Republicans in Congress agree to Obama health care bill if he'll demote Nancy Pelosi to Speaker Of The Outhouse.
Fish Have Liver?
Traces of most prominently prescribed drugs show up in the Mississippi River! Fish dying of liver problems.
More Nateral Implants
New breast implants made from a woman's ass fat a lot healthier but taste funny", say specialists.
Stupid Basketball Player
Millions of purchaser of the book, "The Shaq" disappointed that it's not about religion as friends told them!
Mirror Defense on USS New York to Counter Nancy Pelosi's "Staring Eyes"
Her staring eyes caused welds to fail, sailors to see double, rivets pop into existence and out again - and that was on the Titanic.
"We Turn Them Back Loose"
Greenpeace concerned as ground up dried whale dick becoming more popular in Japan as an aphrodisiac.
Rabbi Bobbitt offers tips on how to undo evidence of circumcision in new book, The Goys of Sex.
Superman Admits He Is Capable of "Boggling"
Even though he doesn't, which begs the question: "How does he know he's capable of boggling if he has never done it?"
Extremists Fed Up
U.S. Left Wing extremists blame Right Wing extremism for latest extreme Left Wing extremist's extreme left wingness.
Sweden's tax authorities are once again seeking the bare facts about webcam strippers' income but agents come back barely able to walk.
Yes, He's Polish!
Man with world's largest penis says that at least his wife has little trouble during childbirth.
Antiques Bought, Sold, Uplifted
Antique store in the mall to do boob jobs in the back according to owner of "Things I Remember".
Expensive Enforcer Backs Down, Bends Over
MPs may be allowed to employ their wives, first cousins twice-removed, after all as expenses 'enforcer' backs down.
Expensive Enforcer Backs Down
MPs may be allowed to employ their wives, first cousins twice-removed, after all as expenses 'enforcer' backs down.
Raunchy Rush Hour
Night the rush-hour turned raunchy: Sound of couple having sex broadcast over station speakers. "It sounds like our Rose", stated one Hyacinth Bucket. (That's pronounced Bouquet!")
Two Jackpot, One A Crackpot, Winners
Two Britons share £90m Euromillions jackpot ... that's £45,570,835.50 each. One winner says he plans to use his to "play the ponies a bit".
How's That Again?
Nursery assistant who cried rape is jailed for four months because 'she made genuine liars look innocent'.
Incident Near Bordello Falls
British tourist on road trip across U.S. gunned down in Texas bar near Bordello Falls.
Social Workers After 17-Year-Old
Couple flee to save unborn baby from social workers after girl, 17, is told she's not clever enough to look after a child. "She am pretty dumb", says one worker involved.
For sale, one moon. Grab a bargain, only $50. Easy commute to most of the world's cities. TV reception a bit poor, hence priced for quick sale.
US to arm soldiers on US bases
Due to recent tragic events, soldiers are to be issued weopons on US bases so they do not need female civilians to save them. So they can actually shoot back. As trained. I think. Right?
"When Animals Blackmail?"
Giant snake capture was a hoax say Florida officials. No 100 rats paid for hostage.
Few H1N1 Aboard Ship
Royal Caribbean exec says few H1N1 incidents, only 13 lost at sea.
Berlin Wall Fall Celebrated
Hillary Clinton to represent US at Berlin Wall after fiasco two years ago when angry protesters tore down Al Gore!
2012 elections: Democratic fears, Republican hopes, Ralph Nader illusions.
Yankees Celebrate Win!
New York Yankees to get parade through NYC with confetti made from $100 bills!
Web Companies Warned
FDA warns Web companies not to sell flavored cigarettes, especially marijuana flavored.
"Swine Flu Vaccine, Miss?"
Poll: One-third able to get swine flu vaccine, many from street vendors, guys in trench coats.
Your Betters Must Survive For Your Sake
In Europe, most swine flu shots by invitation only, black tie events.
Asylum Seekers In Rehab
Genetic tests for UK asylum seekers draw criticism. "If they mad as hatters, they still have the right to change minds about asylum."
Winner Announced At Any Time
Winners of $900,000 in Space Elevator Games still "up in the air!"
Will They Live On "Reservations" To Draw Guv Check?
Analysis: 10 percent jobless is Obama's new world. "That's one out of ten that will have to depend on our government."
Fall Of The Wall celebration
Hillary Clinton to represent US at Berlin Wall. Will wear Imitation Brick pantsuit.
Up Your Taliban Nose
Pakistan's fashionistas defy Taliban. Going totally nude except for burka.
"How's That Balloon Boy?
Obama to meet with Myanmar reps, leaders of whom say they hope This President will not think us a manufacturer of big balloons.
Also Headed For The U.S.
Britain urges steps to insure financial system. Special "Under The Mattress" police squads formed.
It's decision day for health care in the House, also the Poor House!
Let's Make A Deal
Judge OKs plea deal for 'Girls Gone Wild' founder, including judge to get to meet original actresses.
Deja vu: Wal-Mart, Amazon, Target in DVD, BVD price war. Offering over half off on BVD's*. (size not price)
"He Always Was My Favorite!"
Michael Jackson's father is seeking allowance from his son's estate to help cover expenses exceeding $15,000 a month, according to court documents. "There's all these daily interviews", says dad.
More Banks Closed
Banks in Ga., Mich., Minn., Mo., Calif. closed! But if you'll drive to Bear Wallow, Kentucky and ask for Big Jim, you might get a short term loan.
How About Military Health Care?
After light treatment of Fort Hood shootings by Obama, many rethinking that "Maybe it IS pronounced 'nucklar'."
10,000th Isolated Incident At Fort Hood?
Another attack, #1007, leaves US Muslims fearing backlash "Not jump to conclusions", says Obama.
Old Van Found
Van stolen 35 years ago in Wash. state recovered. Found on lot listed as "Classic, 350,000 miles but new paint job. Tires included with price."
950 Her Lucky Number
SKorean woman passes driver's exam on 950th try, drive home and through the back of garage in excitement. Neighors report hearing her saying to herself, "Gas on right, Brake on left!"
Iranian Leaders Reject Shipment Charges
Senior Iranian lawmakers rejected on Saturday any possibility of Tehran shipping uranium abroad for further enrichment and also that Hitler ever existed.
Priest gave up, "that Katie Price was too strong, I couldn't get her to leave Jordan's Body."
"Q&A with Superman"
'Look, I swear, I never used my x-ray vision to boggle girls.
In Door Pigeon Craps on 'God Machine' (Large Hadron Collider)
and nearly causes 100 black holes instead of the usual 20 black-holes per hour, which in non-galactic terms is roughly 45 miles to the gallon
Iran Claims Testing of Its Advanced Nuke Warhead
was just a 'soccer kick-around' to see who could put it "in the back of the net'.
Austin Powers Actor Verne Troyer Can't Move On Dot Org
He's the guy who lost 50 million on a handshake, who dug 100 miles into the Earth's crust to find dirt of the non-pay-dirt variety. Hence the term "to Verne".
Kafka's 'novel' Metamorphosis
Superman woke one morning to find himself inexplicably transformed overnight into Nancy Pelosi.
Nothing In The Rule Book
Undefeated New Orleans Saints admit that whole offensive line are zombies. That's why they're so offensive.
Another Jimmy Baker?
After several people complained that they had lost money taking the advice of a religious teacher on a Chicago local cable station, police turned it on and saw a senior monk with a vow of poverty.
Will Nation Unite?
Right wingers protest as President Obama as a uniting effort for all Americans, builds a golden calf.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!