Spoof news snippets from Friday 6 November 2009
Tick-Tock News: "Rare Welsh Clock Sold at Auction"
"Must be rare as no one in Wales 'that we know of' can wind up a clock 'never mind' knows how to make one," said International Business Wales spokesperson.
Watch Animals Closely
Health officials say that animals need to be closely watched for flu. "Watch for sign like smell of vapor rub on chests."
Winfrey Fires Winans
Oprah Winfrey takes gospel singer Winans off her show after he refused to sing about her deity.
Early Beatles Not So Good?
Ringo joins Paul in saying that the early Beatles weren't all that good. "That all changed once I joined the band!"
After 60-Years Of Fun, Entertainment.
Public starting to lose interest in flying saucers. Aliens send note they are leaving solar system to somewhere where they will be more appreciated.
Watch The Floor!
Old empty contact lens factory turned into secure Minnesota neighborhood fallout shelter!
At Least He Wasn't Smoking
Too much beer, faulty wiring in bed with vibrator causes near death of Greenbriar resident.
Must Sign Government "No Children" clause
Albino with three arms and feathers seeking the same, only female. Anything close will be considered a plus.
Desperately Seeking Someone
Personal: Lonely man seeking woman, must be under 60. I'm completely broken in. Will even take care of purse at mall.
Mattress For Sale
Classified: for sale: one practically new mattress. Heavy Old Spice overcoming slighter old man smell.
"Showers Are For Virgins!"
New Freshman college #3 roommate with lots of new decorating ideas found bound, bald and gagged in dumpster.
Sun Myung Moon, the Korean founder & leader of the worldwide Unification Church, says prophets were up nearly 15% in the third quarter.
U.S. Army Chicken Colonel Arnold Ironass retires to spend more time with his chickens.
We Defend Our Own
FBI reports that burning tires in the middle of the road on Halloween in Buzzard Branch, Arkansas not likely that of a terrorist attack but citizens highly on guard.
Lazy-Boy chairs, combine with The Rascal, have came up with another new chair that can assist today's obese people. Now you can put your feet down and drive over to the refrigerator.
Marc Anthony admits that he dated his remake of "Magic Moon, Clare De Lune" to Jennifer Lopez.
"Heaven Help Us!"
Apparently Elvis and Michael Jackson going at it again over Lisa Marie. Loud shouts of "Banana Sandwich" and "No Nose Wonder!" heard in background as St. Peter shakes his head.
New Gore Movie Not For Squimish!
In his next movie, Al Gore plans to show exactly how, by adding vitamins & minerals, babe ruth candy bars can be recycled indefinitely.
Low paid Hockey coach has second job after school helping to teach difficult two-year-old children how to crap.
Iowa's Had Enough False Warnings
Des Moines, Iowa has announced that, in order to save money, they will quit boarding up windows whenever a major hurricane is predicted to hit the coast or gulf.
Bruce Springstein Dedicates Concert Song to President Obama
There was a lyrics change as the Boss had to sing "He Wasnt'....Born in the U.S.A.!"
Snap, Crackle, Pop & Yaaeee!
Early volunteers who have tried genetically-engineered rice crispies say that you should add a few cheerios so they don't panic and scream that they're drowning.
Somali Muslim rebels stone adulterer to death, laugh and then pray to Allah!
Rebel Muslim Somalis stone adulterer to death, rape women, pilger villages, steal food, have sex with camels, kneel three times a day and pray to Allah!!!
King Accuses Jonas Brothers
One embarrassing moment on the Larry King Show last night when he suddenly told the Jonas Brothers, "Hey, you look like the little hoodlums that's been riding their bikes across my lawn!"
Obam buys Hitler's birth house and feels at HOME at last!
Barack has bought Hitler's birth house claiming that Hitler and himself are FAMILY, was inspired by Mein Kampf and promises to live there when he's not to busy attempting to conquer the world, Jawohl!
Local husband tells wife to get off the "Thigh Master" or he's leaving her. "She could get so excited she could crush my head!"
PBS Sunday Night Movie
On PBS Sunday night, Miss Marple solves the mystery at the convent in "And Then There Were Nuns".
Bush Asks For Explanation.
Former president Bush says he doesn't understand medicine. "If they can cure bacon, why can't they cure the Swine Flu?"
NKorea Improves Aim
A United States spy satellite says that North Korea is now capable of launching a missile that will miss the ocean.
No More "N' Word
Laura Bush says that she and former president Bush are seeing a marriage counselor. "He's promised not to say the 'n' word ever again", says former first lady, "or he'll get a knuckler sandwich."
Star Trek Explosion
William Shatner says that he still has ringing in his ears from 1960's Star Trek when explosion on set went wrong. "With the big ears, I'm surprised that Nimoy can hear himself fart."
How About Hickory Sticks?
Sex Toy study at Duke University raises eyebrows, amon other things.
Week Ends On A High Note As Gavel Lands On Toe!
Surge in pawn shops, soup kitchens lead country into more optimistic future as Dow climbs.
No Disney, But Had One Dwarf, Horny
Blunderland, the fake festive theme park that costs £87 to get in, a picture with Santa is an extra tenner and $50 more let you back out.
'Seminar seat rage': Two top businessmen come to blows in row over a chair at hotel conference on "Better Treatment Means Better Employees".
"Miss Stuck-Up Over Dere!"
Drunk city mayor suspended after 'making lewd sexual comments to two women and store dress dummy'.
Don't You Hate Mugshots?
Wanted burglary suspect taunts police by sending photo of himself, because he didn't like his official mugshot. "Got the wrong profile", stated criminal arrested later after being better identified.
Troubled Youth Taken From School
Five-year-old girl branded a "racist" after asking fellow black student, "Want some of my black grapes?" Appalled, teacher calls in police.
Bad Sex - Divorce - Death - Moving House?
"Missing the bus is now apparently the greatest irritant for most Britons." (Quote) From which we can conclude that Brits don't have sex, don't marry, never die or move house.
Wax statue of John Lennon melts in intense heat to reveal Keith Chegwin under the top layer.
Excited archaeologists begin digging for Timmy Mallett.
Study: U.S. population being polarized over health care bill could help resist global warming.
R.I. Resort Opens
Luxury resort opening in depressed Rhode Island. "Maybe we can cheer them up, says owner.
Fell In The Bay
Estelle, Ludacris pay tribute to late Otis Redding who died back in The Stone Age.
Elton Is Back!
Elton John on the mend, like a candle in the wind, resuming tour dates!
The Three Bears Bare All in German Zoo.
Three spectacled Bears have lost all their herr in a zoo in Leipzig, Germany. The zookeepers say that the situation is becoming 'unbearable'. Stay tuned for the latest nudes...
Aw Cisco, Awww Pauncho!
Cisco forecasts first revenue growth in a year. Pauncho says Cisco one crazy Amigo!
Space Elevator Crashes
Space elevator crash leaves five dead. Four were on elevator, one on ground with light beam.
"News for You"
Pelosi: "The President might think he's President".
Delegates Discuss Climate From Stuck Autos
Delegates discuss way forward in UN global warming climate talks, two feet of snow.
Pelosi on "Public Option": "Can't Touch This"
20,000 Protesters In DC
House Democrats push for votes on health bill, also through crowd of 20,000 anti-health bill protesters!
Med. Marijuana Shops Abound
Medical marijuana shops abound in California. Company hopes to outnumber Starbucks by 2010.
Gunman Wounds Three
Gunman wounds 3 near Tokyo in gang violence. "Some of old Godzilla Gang", states police chief.
Pelosi's "Logic" - Threat to "Freedom Fries"
"Just because the Republican's get more votes in state elections doesn't mean they should win those elections."
Wheels Of Justice
Serbia charges six for 1992 killings in Bosnia. Three may face execution as other three dead of old age.
"I'm Blurb, Guilty!"
Report: Leading Florida investment agent under investigation, irrigation. Admits his guilt through watery burps.
Virgins Offered "Mile High" Solutions
Brits on transatlantic flights skip US visa issues by marrying the nearest American for instant US citizenship; said spokesperson: "Multi-tasking tipsy Air Marshalls can grope u and/or marry u."
Van Stolen 35 Yrs Ago Recovered
Van stolen 35 years ago in Washington state recovered. "It's still got the original flowers and peace signs", says owner.
Obama To Sign Bill
Obama to sign homebuyer, jobless registered democrat bill assistance.
Praying Murderer Gets Life
A man convicted of murder was given a life sentence after the police heard him pray to God and ask forgiveness for what he'd done. God forgave him, but man intervened and gave him a life sentence.
"V" for "something"
Fan directs projectile Vomit over Anna Friel during a stage performance of "Breakfast At Tiffany's". Fan was protesting the remake of "V" - the 1984 original alien miniseries.
"Green Means Jobs" - less jobs silly
During a tour of the UK Airbus factory, the PM made a very strange announcement, "I will not allow a larger factory to be built in the UK".
Classifieds - dog:
For sale, Rottweiler/Golden Retriever cross. Great dog, rips off people's arms and brings them to you. Priced for quick sale as I need to leave the house. Buyer collects, bring a tranquilliser gun.
Three Bald Bears - Experts Agree
That next bald bear would make Four Bald Bears
"40, the new 30"
Mariah Carey - Exception to the general rule
Late term abortion was extended from the third trimester until the child reaches the age 18.
New legislation now allows for late term abortion to include children up until they are 18. Legislators agreed that most children are a bigger problem after they leave the mothers womb.
"Wake Up Sucking!"
Leading psychiatrist says 9, 10-year-old's still coming to him over Janet Jackson Super Bowl Halftime wardrobe malfunction.
"It's a Bust" - "12 arrested at Pelosi's office"
DC cops confirm bust of "goings on" in Pelosi's Office, but point out that Pelosi had nothing to do with the bust and has never been inside her office (there's no cameras in her office).
Baby Food Sweatshop Rocks Babyfood World .......
Gerber admitted today in court that it's famous baby food is in fact pre-chewed by sweatshop workers in Thailand. Local stores were tipped off by the new flavor, "Spit pee soup".
A Little Confused, Multisexual lonely.........
A gay, lesbian, transvestite, cross dresser doesn't know who to date.
Obama Admit's His Ethnicity......
President Barrack Hussein Obama today openly admitted that he is in fact an African American.
Republican Party doctors have determined that citizens who don't vote in elections wind up with a bad case of the Pelosi virus.
Suicide bomber commits suicide
A Palestinian suicide bomber killed himself today. Apparently he was denied for life insurance and just blew up. He is survived by his 3 cousins/wives,2sisters/wives,15children and his mother/ex-wife.
When Not To Be Naked ... "1, 2, 3"
"People are even laughing at how I look naked - but it was a very cold day," said Sun Meng cowering naked on an air conditioner in uptown China.
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