Spoof news snippets from Monday 30 November 2009
"She's My Jet-Powered Ford!"
Jet-powered Ford guns for 300 mph. Brian Wilson of Beach Boys ready to write a song about it.
Romney's Religion Matter?
Opinion: Should faith of Mitt Romney, a Mormon, matter? "No", say most. "We have a Muslim in there now."
Must Be A Mix-Up
A manhunt was under way Monday for a suspect in the shooting deaths of four police officers after he apparently eluded authorities in an east Seattle neighborhood after he was declared dead, earlier.
It's A Jungle Out There
Retailers, E-tailers and Big-tailers push their way to big discounts.
Air Ball! Air Ball!
Notre Dame fires football coach. Hires former hunchback who used to be thrown forward ten yards by quarterback and Fullback.
You Need Help!
Senate debates health care. If you wan to see this live, go get some help before you hurt somebody.
Tiger Not In Own Tournament
Tiger Woods has canceled plans to play in his own golf tournament in California this week because of injuries he suffered by a golf club.
Botox Raising More Than Eyebrows
Older women are coming to see their family doctors after having used botox on their drooping breasts. One explained, "It's just that, Dr Finn, they look like they're looking back up at me."
You Got Any "Ears"?
Believe It Or Not: The inventor of the popular old "Go Fish" card game was none other than sports fisherman and painter. Vincent Van Gogh.
Consumer group warns against taking a double dose of Viagra or Levitra: You overdo it, and someone could get an eye poked out.
Better Than The Macarena?
Researchers discover that birds can dance to today's music, especially turkeys, if you put some laxatives in their feed. They're trot for hours.
Strange But True
A giant anaconda has been found in Kenya that has a slight appearance to Jon Voight.
Might Not Be That Simple
The Obama administration may send most of the Gitmo prisoners to Saudi Arabia to run them through the same training school they attended before, but this time backwards.
Almost 51 Years Now
Scientists mark fifty years of trying to contact intelligence anywhere in the universe finally admit that here's little enough here, the way we act.
What's Al Getting At?
East Tennessee man says he would like to help the "envarmit" more like Al Gore says but in the winter, it's hard to fine Fair-trade coffee. "They don't even seem to have it anytime for that matter."
Meth Running Out Narcotics
Gangster Henry Hairlip Huggins says that cocaine market drying up. "The whole drug bidneth in a meth."
Sexiest Man Alive
People Magazine names Johnny Depp "Sexiest Man Alive". Little People Magazine votes for Tom Cruise,
Guy who helped policeman help pull woman foot out of big snakes mouth in Orlando says that he has always done odd jobs but they get odder by the day.
President and Mrs. Clinton announce that daughter Chelsea is engaged
There is no truth to the rumors that the fiance is blind.
Escape From Springfield
The Simpsons have left Springfield. Said patriarch Homer, "There's just too much gay-and wife bashing here to raise a family." A non-profit foundation has been set up by the city to study the issue.
Attention, Angry Homophobes
Experts have found that homophobia and wife-beating often go hand-in-hand, and seems especially pronounced in America's heartland. A non-profit foundation has been set up to study the phenomenon.
Last Position Possibility: The Scissors
Scientists say that if we don't do something soon about obesity, couples won't be able to get close enough to have sex and we'll die out as a race.
Insurance Company Hoping To Rebound
Old insurance company losing clients due to recession, has changed it's name to sexier "Mutual Of Orgasm".
Maybe It's The Third World
Attention Betty: I'm spinning around in infinity here in the market place. Call me! -Al.
Godzilla on flaming rampage after stepping on a clown car and getting all that clown crap between it's toes.
Rush Limbaugh apologizes for his "Towelheads" remark. "I meant 'Shitheads', of course."
May Just Work
Wall Street trying to rally after Dubai debacle by showing Bernie Madoff still behind bars on the big screen!
Cruise Ship Defend Itself
Disney Cruise Ship defends itself from Somali pirates as Peter Pan & boys send them scattering.
Thought The Big Snakes Would Get Them
Second mouse plague hits central Florida in five years. "Some question Disney World" location.
Gore Over The Edge
Al Gore angry at fellow democrats after lighting all those candles on Senator Byrd's birthday cake and not hurriedly blowing them out. "That was no time for a speech" states Gore.
Tiger Gets A Warning
Golf to use an instant replay with unseen defogger for a challenge should someone fart while a player putting. Hope to do tee shots and fairway following season.
"I'm Sorry, Tazmania!"
Super Bowl halftime show this February will feature President apologizing to every country in the world.
Illinois Man Wins National Wife Beaters Association Presidency By 1600 Votes
Voting experts say that it was due to "shared ballots."
Season Of Giving Underway
Season of giving off to a good start as, at last count, 74 people have been given a kick in the ass of a fist to the face during Black Friday shopping.
Illinois Man Wins National Wife Beaters Association Presidency By 1600 Votes
Nobody in the exit polls remembered voting for him or had even heard his name before.
Tiger comments on his soaring handicap!
"I think I need a new driver."
Stay Outa The Water
New ocean species discovered that feeds on shit. Bernie Madoff asks for another 135 years in the pen.
Human Cloning Sort Of Successful
First successful human clone hunted down and killed by angry crowd carrying torches!
Black Box Shows Only Cheering
In the news this morning, a planeload of over 200 passengers headed for the Netherlands to be euthanized, including the staff, has gone down over the Atlantic Ocean. Nobody knows what to say or do.
Never Saw It Coming!
United States admits troops getting a little bored in Iraq after eight years. "Shouldn't have ever named those hand launched missiles "Drones", states Secretary Of Defense.
Is Bin Laden Changing?
Osama Bin Laden says he's tired of leading terrorists. May turn to heading up a "Simple Living" group in cave community.
Bush Getting R & R
Former President Bush admits he's loafing for awhile. "I've been watching some football, attending some executions."
PBS Admits False Statement
PBS Special Fundraiser admits that it's not "Viewers Like You" who keep them on the air but viewers like Big Oil Companies.
Gore Asked To Curb Excitement
Study shows that the average person is sick to death of hearing about global warming, all that excitement around Al Gore!
First Lama In Space
Dalai Lama may go on flight to space station. Will meditate on world peace. Detractors say he's full of his own piss.
Half Of Troops Unfit
Pentagon says that over 50% of new troops unfit to serve. "But that's never stopped us before."
Holidays, Thiefs Off & Running
Poll: Shoppers were up for Black Friday. Over 90% were paid for!
Third Gate Crasher At W.H.
President Obama admits that VP Joe Biden was also a gate crasher. "We just happened to leave him off the list again."
Pretty Little Thing!
Rare Chinese vase valued at just £375 sells for £228K at auction as purchaser drunk as a lord.
Nuclear Family Out
Nuclear family is 'on the way out', Government advisor warns, over explosive issue.
Wheelie Bin Fines Up 2000%
Cash-strapped council lavishes £100,000 on 'bin police' to make sure people recycle correctly. "Remember, the more fines collected, the bigger your paycheck. So look close."
Neighbourhood Spies Pay Increases
£500 to spy on your neighbour: State 'bribe' to tip off council if house is being illegally sub-let. Most say they don't charge, just leave donation box.
Rock Band Raided
Rock band The Thirst arrested at gunpoint by 30 officers after council CCTV official mistakes music equipment, large penis, for handguns.
Neighbours' fury as BT chairman is only person in village to get high-speed broadband, sack of burning dog shit.
Marriage Tax Watered Down
Cameron may water down plans for married couples' tax breaks over fears they are unaffordable. Over 200,000 file for divorce!
Takes Mike From Taylor Swift
Amy Winehouse has announced that she is thinking(?) about changing her name from Wineglass to Whatever, passes out.
Small Planes Need Gas
Study reveals: Full gas tanks could stop many small plane crashes. Having little gas, not so good.
Boyle On Top
Susan Boyle's debut album tops Britain's charts! Most credit the sexy pullout photo.
Leno Losing Audience
Jay Leno losing his audience to...well, everyone else in that time slot!
New Political Polls Out!
Poll: Limbaugh is most influential conservative. Nancy Pelosi is most influential liberal. Average American is most screwed.
Star Gaffes Cannot Easily Be Hid
For stars, high-tech gaffes hard to hide, especially at Super Bowl half time shows with millions watching.
It's Seed Time
Venezuela turns to cloud-seeding to battle drought. Japan turns to female-seeding to up their population rate.
Can't Let Things Like Facts Stop Us
Leaders say momentum building on climate change. Discovery of faked global warming numbers ignored. "Global Warming lies, 'too big to fail!"
No More W.H. Crashers?
Senators: Take action against White House crashers. But objected to by Senate crashers.
Mental Health Helping 101st!
Brigade teams bring mental health to Fort Campbell. "101st Airborne returning 'crazy as loony birds'."
Woods Speech Sounds Tweety Birdish
Woods speaks up, says crash is 'pribate motter'. "She taut mi wid a widgett."
Bars Won't Serve Over Half a Bottle
Boston brewer pushes new limits on extreme beer which contains 50% alcohol content.
Merkel A Little Wobbly
Germany's Merkel makes wobbly start to 2nd term. Blames continued hangover from Octoberfest!
Vote For Your Favorite Coup Member
Honduras hopes to move past coup with election selected from the chosen few allowed to run.
'12 Days of Christmas' items' cost would top $87,000 according to those who have too much money and too much time on their hands.
Cadavers Still Teaching
Doctors in training still learn from cadavers, especially how to avoid being a stiff at parties over Holidays, not let thing get to you that you cannot change and when to stay quiet.
Senate Opens Discussions
Divided Senate opens health care debate on Monday. Beginning with three-day staring contest, making faces.
Pirates On The Move
Somali pirates hijack Saudi oil tanker, United States aircraft carrier and Russian Nuclear sub. Could demand more money.
All UN's Fault!
Iran says UN criticism prompted new nuclear plans. "We would never have considered building the things", says head of clergy, with a straight face.
Woods Issues Statement
After three days Tiger Woods issues statement about wreck: "I had a wreck."
"It' Alive! It's Alive!"
Scientists say the world's largest atom smasher has broken the record for proton acceleration, sending beams of the particles at 1.18 trillion electron volts. Then laugh like maniacs.
Psychiatrists are studying people who explode bombs in public places, kill innocent civilians, & call themselves "Anarchists." The doctor's first conclusion, these people should be called "Assholes."
Why Kids are Fat
A study says kids are overweight! Wow, what if Schools had recess and gym classes again! Kids could be allowed to play tag, dodge ball and those other banned physical games and burn up calories.
Environmental Whackos I
Just when you think you are safe, another group of environmental whackos comes out of the woodwork! These nuts say "Black Friday" generates too much trash. Where's a trash hauler when you need one!
Environmental Whackos II
A group of environmental whackos say a lawn mower generates as much greenhouse gas as a car! Scientific tests indicate the lawn mower must be going 350 mph, racing in the Indianapolis 500.
Bridge to Nowhere?
Forget the bridge in Alaska, President Obama has now been accused of using government funds to set the country on The Path To Nowhere.
David zHasselhof released from Hospital
David Hasselhoff was released from hospital today and celebrated his freedom with two bottles of vodka and a fifth of gin, according to sources.
Bozo Identity Stolen
Ronald McDonald is arrested in Chicago, Illinois after posing as Bozo the Clown. "Identity theft among clowns is growing", says police chief. "But Bozo died over a year ago."
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