Spoof news snippets from Sunday 29 November 2009
What It Takes to Wake a Man
A new study shows that a man is more likely to be awakened by the sound of buzzing flies than crying babies - especially if the buzzing flies are on his trousers.
Charles Manson seems to be improving a little after all these years. Yesterday, he was able to put two sentences together about the same subject within ten minutes.
People Working Into Old Age
A new study reveals that Americans are working later into life. Most credit responsible people who love their job. Wolf at the door.
"Live Long And Proper" Misquoted
Leonard Nimoy reveals secret to Vulcan salute: In the '60's we had it planned to be, "Turn on, Tune in, Drop out" but Timothy Leary slipped into the studio early on.
Danica Patrick Ready
After coming out third in last year's Indy race, Danica Patrick says she will do even better after replacing that grab ass pit crew she had then.
The Frogfoot Murders
Police in Monkey's Balls, Ky say that early report that the victim was found buried in a shallow grave was incorrect. Actually he was upside down with frogfeet into the air, a mark of this artist."
Safety Equipment Obsolete?
A new study reveals that seat and shoulder belt or even air bags are becoming outdated as American bellies propped on steering wheels now would cushion crash. Perhaps, Ait Belts!
Obama's Insider Speech
Obama: Can we kep the American public's eyes off the details of the government taking over who they sleep with?
Nancy Pelosi: "Yes We Can!"
If The World Developed Haemorrhoids...
They'd surely be in Springfield Illinois. Home of the World's biggest ass hole.
Chris Brown To Perform In Springfield, Illinois
Rihanna's ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown to perform at Springfield's 'Wife Batterers Festival.' He said the only reason he's performing there is because no one else wants to hire his woman-beating ass.
Springfield, Illinois' New Town Slogan
The Springfield city council upset that the town has become known as "The Wife Beating Capital of The U.S." has hired a public relations firm to change that image. The new slogan, "Duck Bitch!"
Couples Are Flocking Out Of Springfield, Illinois
Due to the fact that Springfield, Illinois has been named "The Wife Beating Capital of The U.S." thousands of couples have decided to move to Indiana.
Preacher Gone Wild
Girls Gone Wild video found in North Carolina preacher's video collection. Claims he had to watch it in order to know what to preach against.
Chinese Disney In The Works
Chinese plans for a Disney World franchise in the works. "Mr. Dong's Ride" expected to be the biggest hit.
Probably Won't Help
John Gray, writer of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" writing new book for teens. "Men & Women Are From Women"
English Class Lesson
Teacher at school tells class T.S. Elliot was wrong. With a the number of obese people 'growing' daily, the world might not end with a whimper but a whopper.
Pfizer has announced that the price of it's ED product, Viagra, is set to rise again. "'South' finally rose again" jokes CEO.
Several Obits Today
Munchkin is dead! Nobody seems to know what his real name was as he came to small Georgia town nearly 30 years ago. He also smoked so much pot that even he had forgotten who he was. Lived on snacks.
Blowhole the Clown has died. Officials at Florida's winter home for Ringling Brothers/Barnum & Bailey Circus says Blowhole will be the 19th clown buried in a small car at a nearby cemetery.
Police Sale For Orphanage Saturday
Police donate confiscated items to be sold at one day sale to raise funds for the local orphanage. Up for sale are 3 lions, 1 cheetah, 2 complete meth labs, 44 marijuana plants, among other items.
Cheney On TV
Dick Cheney will appear on this weekend's Face The Nation where he will attempt to shoot the nation in the face.
Obama's Week Nightly Address Special
President-elect Barack Obama has announced that he will use this week's Wednesday night address to do hand puppets for the kiddies, featuring King Obama The Wonderful.
Nest Egg Swallowed
A kid's pet boa has swallowed the family's nest egg, kept in a small chest. "We think Ben will be OK", says kid's dad. "I don't know why you put an egg away for hard times anyway. Probably spoiled."
Bathrooms Still Backed Up
The most popular item at President Obama's Washington party last week that served the foods from many countries: Imodium AD.
Suddenly Became A "Leaner"
A Boone County, Arkansas Chicken Festival goer nearly gets his silly neck rung accidentally after wandering in front of a horseshoe pitcher.
Air Force Hardly Trying Anymore
The United States Air Force has stated this morning that the UFO reported by many last night in the sky over Manhattan last night was swamp gas.
Commode Was Really Stopped Up!
Fat lady in New Jersey apartment finally freed by Fire Department after madly plumbing downstairs resident plunges her ass tightly into commode. "I was nearly suctioned to death", she tells rescuers.
Never Smelled Anything Like It
New York subway closed until all-clear given, after sewer worker steps on the third rail. Over 500 sick from smell on train.
One Used At Official Functions
Be sure to catch "Geraldo Knows" tonight on the PBS winter fundraisers. Tonight, Geraldo will reveal the exact location of Osama Bin Laden's dress turban.
Can Transport Up To 2,000
American Airlines has announced, that in order to cut costs, they are offering 50% cuts for those passengers who fly in lawn chairs $ helium balloons pulled by a helicopter. Must furnish own chairs.
Trump Much Eased
Doctors in New York City were able to give Donald Trump some good news yesterday. Apparently, all those voices he's been hearing in his head is that thing on his head picking up the Howard Stern Show.
Michelle's Mother Speaks Her Mind
Obama's Mother-In-Law told a reporter this morning that the so-called Beer Conference" sounded more like a farting contest.
Can't Identify Himself
Alzheimers patient who was apparently a identity thief, says he has no idea who he was, let alone who he is.
Saddam Still Silent
Psychics all over the world say they're having trouble getting into contact and channeling Saddam Hussein after hanging death. Keep getting Indian Guide, "Grass Hopper".
Together, They Were Completely Nuts
An account from a German Army medic from the 1940's has confirmed the often rumored fact that Hitler had only one nut & that Joseph Goebbels served as the other.
New GPS System Monitors Whereabouts!
Saudi Arabia has passed a new law prohibiting women from getting within 1,000 miles of a pantyless Britney Spears.
Old Man At Ford Clinic
An old man in a dirty long raincoat has checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic explaining that he has now addicted to having people kick him in the balls. "I guess I'm one of those 'machinists'."
Another Clown Shoe-Bomber Caught
Clown arrested at Kennedy Airport in NYC after hiding two nuclear missiles in his shoes.
Those Freud's Still At It!
The widow of Sigmund Freud's grandson, Sir Clement Freud says that her husband was examining the sexual relationship of gas nozzle into car while smoking a cigarette.
Bruce Still Lost
Bruce Springsteen bellowed "Hello, Ohio!" to his fans in Canada. "I'm glad to be back in Australia!"
"Bullies" Need Hiding
Dinner lady sacked for exposing bullies loses fight to save job. "Should have kept her blouse buttoned", states Judge who somehow misunderstood the case.
Thatcher Stayed Awake
Sleepless Margaret Thatcher 'stayed up for entire Falklands War' which lasted over 36 hours.
Gore On The Floor, Head Covered
U-turn on climate change 'cover up' as university says it will publish leaked email data. Al Gore puts fingers in his ears, goes "Naaaaaa!"
Big Bother Is Here!
All homes to get 'smart' power meters that measure exact energy use, even during sex.
New Brit Show Cancelled
New British reality show "Who Wants To Be Named & Shamed?" not making it.
"Named & Shamed" List Grows
Named and shamed: Britain's 12 worst hospitals (all passed as good or excellent by health watchdog, hospital cat)
"My Time To Sat It"
Pakistan must do more to tackle Al Qaeda and 'take out' Osama Bin Laden, says Brown, and at least two dozen other leaders over the past eight years.
He Was An Easy Touch
Boris' shamed deputy admits he had sex with a Chinese, Russian, Ukrainian, North Korean, Venezuelan, Cuban, Iranian spy.
"Tiger's Mistress" Denies Rumors
I have never sex-tested, says club hostess who denies claims of affair with Tiger Woods as police seek to quiz him over crash. Police think she meant, "sex-texted".
US nearly caught Bin Laden after he shook hands with Bush!
US admit they nearly had Bin Laden whilst shaking hands with George Bush, but Georgie pardoned him (fucking idiot!) and he "done a runner!"
"Bank Error In Your Favor", Or That Crook Behind You
Man robbed of $2 million bank withdrawal claims that he only had $2500. Was trying to withdraw $200.
Tiger Woods in crash as he fails to "Hole in one!"
Tiger Woods has crashed his golf buggy on the 18th, his missus wanted to putt his bleeding head but missed and then she kicked him in his black COHONES, it's tough being a married SUPERSTAR!
WHO About Flu
WHO says Tamiflu still works against swine flu, destroying musical instruments on stage.
Not My Fault
Study: Almost half of all U.S. kids will be on food stamps at some time during childhood. President Obama blames 17% unemployment on every President before him.
Swine Flu Outbreak At Mecca?
Hajj devil stoning ritual biggest ever on Mecca voyage. "Need to be stoning Swine Flu", states doctor in crowd.
Haven't The Hang Of It!
Venezuela turns to cloud-seeding to battle drought. Keeps flooding Columbia instead.
Lots Of Misunderstandings About
Bernanke makes case for strong Fed to roll down banks. Sorry, that should be, role on banks. Thought they were fed too much and were obese.
Ghost Of Capote In Kansas
Shootings leave 3 dead, 1 wounded in eastern Kansas as the ghost of Truman Capote seen haunting the area.
Pakistanis Against President
Pakistan opposition urges president to give up powers, not to be messing with The Dark Side!
Windbags In Washington
Harnessing wind viable possibility in the country as this year an election year nationally.
Administration plans new efforts on foreclosures. Have appointed Snidely Whiplash to kick families, Little Nell, out of homes.
Pussy Cat Woods?
The waiting continues with Tiger Woods as police seek his story f what happened. Suspect that he is embarrassed that wife beat him up.
Bin Laden Was Withing Grasp
Senate report: Bin Laden was 'within our grasp' but he slipped away and scored another touchdown. Blame referees for not blowing the whistle.
Al Gore happy at polar bear deaths
Upon hearing that arctic ice was so thin that bears were not able to stand on it, and even eating baby bear cubs to survive, Al Gore laughed in delight. "See", he said, "This proves I was right!".
Tiger Woods delays police
Tiger Woods still won't talk to police, but this is believed to be because he is a billionaire and so does not have to. If it was you, you'd have already talked to them, and been railroaded by now.
Dubai In Deeper Water
Dubai in deep water as ripples from debt crisis spread. Al Gore blames...never mind.
Neanderthals Bred With Humans
New evidence suggests Neanderthals once bred with humans, which they all called "George".
A Big Disappointment
Taliban religious leader says that last suicide bomber appeared in vision to him, saying there is not even any virgin olive oil up here.
Although Dwarf Bowling is definitely out during Olympics in Britain, frozen turkey bowling still being considered.
Obama On Nightly Speech
Obama stil trying to make up mind over troops to Afghanistan.
"When it comes to making decisions about war, there is no magic bullet," President tells American audience on nightly show.
Bees Dying Out!
Experts say the disappearance of honey bees due to changes in the climate, new pests, loss of King Bee, John Belushi from Killer Bee Episodes on SNL.
Obese man in London breaks leg while attempting to hang himself after his leg goes through the chair bottom, then pulls ceiling in with rope.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!