Spoof news snippets from Friday 27 November 2009
Trek purist protests new Star Trek
"Winona Ryder, that shoplifter, as Spock's mom? In what galaxy would that be logical?", said Jim West from his mom's basement. He now intends to boycott this "perversion of Roddenberry's vision".
Jericho stocks up
Jericho, Kansas - Mayor Green, citing the ever present danger of a renewed invasion by New Bern, has passed a law requiring all citizens to keep gas, food and ammo supplies. Mr. Hawkings agrees.
President pardons White House Christmas Tree just minutes too late. The tree had already been cut down.
The same dork one stars my snippets
And is too dumb to realize that his user name shows up each time. While I'd be the last to be sad about one person not liking my wit, I am sad that he has nothing better to do with his life.
Godzilla Clones Vs NKorean Clown
North Korea's Kim: Japanese trying to clone Godzilla, set them on us.
Another Pancho & Lefty
Ahmadinejad to Chavez: 'We're going to be together until the end'. Israel says they got that right.
Out On A Limb
Young couple from Peckerhead, Tennessee, have been calling airlines on where they can register for "The Mile High Club" after having sex in snipes treehouse. Fear they may have been victims of prank.
Always The Last Place You Look!
Georgetown University in a Freshman initiation prank has conducted a raid on the Smithsonian Institute resulting in Freshman finding O.J.'s knife!
Lock Your Door, Mom!
Former President Bush made a special appearance in his mother's bathroom this morning and was sent staggering out with a plunger on his face.
They Felt Right
A man was caught and jailed in Pittsburgh, Pa. after he tried to pass $50 bills he had reprinted over $5 bills.
Neighbors Move Before Police Check It Out
Country store in Neafas, Kentucky, say that strangers have been spending purple-dyed money in their store for years. "We heard about them changing the twenties and tens, didn't know all had purple."
Mormons Victims Of Theft
Obese neighbors admit in court that for years they have been tunneling under Mormon family's house and stealing stored food from their basement.
Fat Lady Does Her Thing
The latest report on the US economy says that fat ladies are singing their asses off from Detroit to California.
Fred Flintstone sues Bedrock Autos. Claims that he sometimes cannot get his feet to stop 'doing their stuff'. Carmake blames floorcat.
Spongebob caught in hot tub with naked, under-aged girls
Non-repentant Mr. Squarepants says "you may find this wrong on some ethical level, but I find the process rather absorbing."
Dubai demonstrates the "monkey see, monkey do" principle
"If the U.S. can spend money it doesn't have, and take out loans it can't repay, than why can't we?", said their leader. Hillary Clinton replies, "Because we have nukes and they don't. Duh."
HIV rates decreasing
Regrettably, this does not mean a decrease in fags, but only that those of them dumb enough for unsafe sex are all dead. The others are still playing safe, except when they cornhole your daughter.
A man never forgets his first...
...so reader - yes, you - if you could tell your mom, "Hi", I'd appreciate it. Tell her I'm sorry I was so much more inept at it than she was, it was my first time, while she was very practiced.
Couple marries in line at Best Buy...
...and did so on Black Friday. Bystanders looking at the bride could only assume that the groom wanted to practice his purchasing savvy by buying in bulk while waiting. She's a supersized bargain.
Illinois Non Profit Organization In Trouble For Strong Arm Tactics
Law officers say that campaign of "contribute or I bitch slap your wife and put a cigarette out on your kid" goes a little too far.
Springfield Man wins costume contest for 70's throwback leisure suit at Wife Beaters Association Convention
"I didn't know there was a costume contest."
One Western Illinois man feels left our at National Wife Beaters Association Convention
"Hey, I beat up lots of girlfriends. That should count for something!"
Springfield Man enjoying most aspects of National Wife Beaters Association Convention
"My only gripe is that there are no small children for me to put my cigarettes out on. What happened to the human ashtrays?"
Springfield man wins overall competition at Wife Beaters Association Convention
Says one judge, "this guy could really knock a girl's socks off...and her wig...and her false eyelashes..."
Georgia jail to be painted a "soothing" pink
"Besides", said Warden Sam Norton, "These boys fuck like faggots, let them live like faggots, too."
Man from Western Chapter wins slap off at Wife Beaters Association Convention
Man breaks record with 177 slaps in one minute.
Back to school, chubby
Not only are some colleges requiring graduates to be fit, but in a controversial expansion of the program, you and several million others will lose their degrees unless you shed those excess pounds.
Eight is not enough
Octomom Nadya says she want's more kids. Even if she has to get married to do it. "Sure, it's unorthodox, but as I lost my turkey baster in a Thanksgiving mishap, this may the only way now."
News from the National Wife Beaters Convention in Illinois
Brandy Alexander voted the favorite drink, while Mike Tyson elected to hall of fame.
Roman Polanski says, "She wasn't worth it"
Polanski, to be freed on $4.5 million bail, commented that the 13 year old really wasn't worth it. "She was inexperienced, and the screaming was distracting. I could see, 2 maybe, but 4.5? Silly."
Little Goes A Long Way!
A daily dose of peanut butter may ward off allergy in kids say scientists. Also, sipping a little toilet water from commode could help avoid hepatitis should he wind up a nerd.
Post Office says, "We kill for you!"
The Post Office, still unable to make a profit, is branching out into contract killing. Buy their new War Tax stamp, and additional bombs will be dropped on Afghani and Iraqi kids.
"Police Are On The Way!"
The Department of Homeland Security says that their fake "Warning You Are In The Wrong Country" recordings around the perimeter of the US not working.
Kodachrome to close
The last Kodachrome developer is to close soon, made obsolete by digital cameras. The employees say they will gain new employment in the more stable field of VHS tape manufacturing.
Kooks right again
Those kooks who said that invading Afghanistan was just our government looting, and that we'd never hold it, were right. This has been known all along by thinking people, but even the dumb know now.
Grim Reaper keeping eye on Walmart
The Grim Reaper, much like the vultures who hang around customary battlefields and accident prone intersections, is keeping a sharp eye out on the stores of Walmart. He is expecting a good harvest.
Pardon Me, Ms. Pardon
Dolly Parton defeats world chess champion. "Only played 10 games in my life", says Titty...Dolly.
Discovered In The Same Area
The famous fossil of an early relative of modern human beings called Peking Man may be 200,000 years older than previously thought, a new study finds. "Although we were correct about Beijing Man."
Don't Overdo It
Hiker in the great Smokey Mountains climbs twenty feet above highest mountain peak. Bear below tree.
Smokey Not Happy
Smokey The Bear kicks hiker's ass for not putting out fire, rubs Yogi's face in it afetr catching him shitting in the woods & not covering it up. Looking for Booboo.
One Taliboom Coming Up!
President Obama finally makes decision on troops now in Afghanistan: All troops withdraw immediately. One atomic bomb issued to Karzai.
Bush Tells Obama To Get Wid It!
Former President Bushresident tells Obama to make a decision on troops or I'm mispronoun you to death.
Blaine Turning Up Everywhere
A formation of wild geese led by David Blaine in a glider amazes Air Show in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
Robot Sets Off Bomb
A huge explosion has occurred in Baghdad, Iraq after a U.S. Army bomb disarming robot turns around and passes troops mumbling, 'I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING IN THE KITCHEN!'
She'll Never Learn Nothing!
79-year old Miss Beulah Jane Pudd of Tupelo, Mississippi has once again appeared in court there for the 17th time on various minor crimes. Judge: "You need to leave them young men be, Miss Pudd."
College Takes Beating
College of Cosmetology beaten by Michigan State, 109-12 but you can't see a bruise. "Well done", says coach Perchprick.
Pot A Cure-All
Sales growth of prescription drugs down for the second year in a row, with the economic downturn playing a key role, according to study. Authorities say marijuana sales make customers forget sickness.
Irish catholic priests shock the Pope and admit to being "STRAIGHT"
The Catholic world is in disarray as Irish priests admit that they are Hetro not Paedo or Homo, The Pope reacted angrily threatening to ban the "abnormal bastards"
Polanski Buys Helicopter Company
- located on the French side of the French-Swiss border. Company inventory includes fast low flying helicopters.
College Dean denies charges of assault and battery brought by co-ed
"Sure I hit her, but I used my fists and not an Energizer or Duracell."
Trains & Cows Still Don't Mix
Amtrak says their trains will be busy with travelers, cows, trains! "Although most of the old cows will be on the trains", jokes former Engineer.
Sorry Lambert Snippet
Lambert says he was sorry but not carried away. I'm sorry, but I got carried away. Lambert got carried away, not sorry!
Captain Wins Car On Leno
Air Force captain wins new car on 'Jay Leno Show'. Oprah: That the best you can do?"
Sex Actually Causes Spreading Of HIV
UNAIDS: Sex main cause for HIV spreading in China. Government demands end to HIV parties!
Atlantis Coming Back
Space shuttle Atlantis heads for morning landing in Shangri La!
US Buildup Helps Afghan Provinces
US buildup seen as helpful in 2 Afghan provinces, the ones occupied mostly by UN forces.
Party Crashers No Threat!
Secret Service who reported that party crashers posed no danger to Obama turn out not to be in the Secret Service but Catering Service!
Polanski Release Monday?
Swiss: Polanski in jail until at least Monday. "We've pretty well shaken him down for all we can get", says official. "Tired of all the whimpering."
Favre Nearly Perfect
Favre nearly perfect in Vikings' 35-9 romp over Lions. Of course, so has every other quarterback against lions.
Food Banks Go High Tech, Need Food
Food banks across the country are undergoing a high-tech revolution, adopting sophisticated databases, bar coding, GPS tracking, automated warehouses, laser-beam rat killers and other technologies.
Pinetop Perkins Still Playing
Noisy crowds in smoky bars don't bother 96-year-old bluesman Pinetop Perkins. "Would one of you gents help me down. I'm through with my session."
Quit Cold-Turkey !
In tobacco-loving Va., bars to quit cold-turkey. Will mostly serve ham on rye. Then a smoke!
Feminists Don't Know What They're Missing!
Feminists are angry at a garden centre for asking men to make their wives happy by buying them a clothes line for Christmas. It's a lot cheaper than buying a new car + husbands will be happier.
Americans Toss Food
Americans toss out 40 percent of All Food! Toss up another 10% as 50% eat at fast foods, are bulimic.
Holiday Sky Treat
Holiday Sky Treat: Spot the Shuttle and Space Station and win a suit!!
Iran Rebuked Severely
IAEA votes to rebuke Iran over nuclear cover-up. "Bad Iran! Bad Iran!...Down Boy! Down Boy!"
World Stocks Down
Dubya woes hit world stocks again; Asia down most. I'm sorry, Dubai woes hit world stocks again!
Jaws Of Life Needed
Shoppers pack stores as holiday season revs up. Two fat ladies wedged in doorway in Memphis causes panic.
Over-developed 13 year old girl nervous
Her teacher Mr. Goldstein keeps her after class every other day to remind her about bad touches. As if that's not eerie enough, he demonstrates what a bad touch is each time. Thoroughly.
How come we don't make fun of eye ties any more? You know, wops? Dagos? What, like they're still not silly, over-gesticulating, noodle slurping peasants prone to vice?
Your wife is thankful...
...that this Thanksgiving you passed out before squeezing her cousin Marcia's breast openly like last year. Fortunately for you, she doesn't realize that Marcia blew you twenty minutes beforehand.
Whatever happened to...
...the former Soviet Union's nuclear arsenal? And shouldn't Homeland Security worry about that, rather than terrorists so poor as to not be able to afford their own planes?
Couple crashes White House dinner
An uninvited couple was able to crash a White House dinner, and get close enough for handshakes and photos with world leaders. Government security was too busy monitoring your phone calls to notice.
Man misuses Butterball hotline number
While the line exists for all Thanksgiving turkey emergencies, a local man was charged with misusing it when he called in to ask how to deal with his severely overweight wife.
IAEA Chief didn't stay bought
After years of being soft on Iran's nuclear defiance, the outgoing chief of the IAEA - no longer in a position to take bribes - is saying that it was as bad as the West thought all along.
No Spelling Bees
Scientists discourage children with news that there is no Spelling Bee. "They are right up there with 'Writing Spiders'."
GM Further Declines
The CEO of General Motors has announced that the company's dropped all the way down to PFC Motors.
Tibetan Monks Disappear
Chinese guards spooked as Tibetan monks keep appearing and disappearing from cells. "We didn't arrest these", say frightened guards.
Tabloid: Faked Michelle Pics
Sleazy tabloid apologizes for running faked nude photographs of Michelle Obama. "We're sorry, those aren't you", states paper. "I'm sorry they're not me too", First Lady replies.
Harvard researcher says man can live 1,000 years or longer if he would avoid sex. "Most can't hold out past 3 days", it concludes.
Elton Can't Find John
Elton John mistakenly uses the Ladies' Room in Australian visit, then mistakenly uses men's room.
Brazil Cover Up
Brazil miniskirt student to march in Carnival Parade. Will be the most-dressed lady in parade.
Cuba Doing Exercises
Cuba launches military exercises designed to guard against U.S. invasion. Troops run around the edges of the country 24 hours of the day.
Castr Delivers Long Speech
Cuba's Fidel Castro looked good during five hour speech say man on the Havana street. "But wish he would quit screaming BRAINS! every ten minutes."
Those invited guests to the White House dinner last week say there was one panic when Hillary Clinton was telling a story about her recent overseas visit, her pantsuit caught on fire!
Bizarre calf mutilations found on Colorado ranch. "These are a lot worse than your common, run-of-the-mill mutilations", says Police Chief.
Pelosi Responds To Fashion Police
Pelosi rebukes fashion critic at State Dinner. "I did NOT look like Larry Craig in drag!"
Pandemic Flu In China
China expert warns of pandemic flu mutation. Places all pandas into isolation.
Obama Setting Records
Obama shatters spending record for first-year presidents. However, he has also helped more people get their first unemployment checks.
Why H1N1 Vaccine was Delayed
Trials of the H1N1 vaccine were suspended to solve a problem. Tests revealed that when the vaccine was given to Democratic far left wing liberals, they immediately became conservative Republicans.
Nobel Prize 2010
The tradition of the Nobel Prize Committee started this year will continue into 2010. Governor Sarah Palin will be nominated in anticipation of her doing something useful in the next four years.
Senate Mental Health Care Reform
The Senate bill establishes "TV Police!" They will improve US mental health by banning "Dancing with the Stars" & "The Biggest Loser," replacing these shows with "Leave it to Beaver" & "I love Lucy."
During a visit to Venezuela, President Ahmadinejad of Iran and President Chavez hugged and held hands. The tabloids are speculating whether this gay old time is real or only a winter romance.
Who's Watching the Store
CIA AGENT: Infiltrators have gotten into a high security government facility. SENATE COMMITTEE: You mean Karzai's palace in Afghanistan? CIA AGENT: No, President Obama's White House in Washington DC.
Al Gore Hiding Out!
US: Impression left by emails is that global warming game has been rigged from start. Fanatics want Al Gore drawn and quartered over losing factory jobs.
A new study just released by a group of historians shows that the Great Plague of Europe was spread mainly through dumping chamber pots out the windows, into the streets below, especially direct hits!
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