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Rating:

Trek purist protests new Star Trek

"Winona Ryder, that shoplifter, as Spock's mom? In what galaxy would that be logical?", said Jim West from his mom's basement. He now intends to boycott this "perversion of Roddenberry's vision".

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Jericho stocks up

Jericho, Kansas - Mayor Green, citing the ever present danger of a renewed invasion by New Bern, has passed a law requiring all citizens to keep gas, food and ammo supplies. Mr. Hawkings agrees.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Too Late!

President pardons White House Christmas Tree just minutes too late. The tree had already been cut down.

written by Adam Click, 27 November 2009
Rating:

The same dork one stars my snippets

And is too dumb to realize that his user name shows up each time. While I'd be the last to be sad about one person not liking my wit, I am sad that he has nothing better to do with his life.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Godzilla Clones Vs NKorean Clown

North Korea's Kim: Japanese trying to clone Godzilla, set them on us.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Another Pancho & Lefty

Ahmadinejad to Chavez: 'We're going to be together until the end'. Israel says they got that right.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Out On A Limb

Young couple from Peckerhead, Tennessee, have been calling airlines on where they can register for "The Mile High Club" after having sex in snipes treehouse. Fear they may have been victims of prank.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Always The Last Place You Look!

Georgetown University in a Freshman initiation prank has conducted a raid on the Smithsonian Institute resulting in Freshman finding O.J.'s knife!

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Lock Your Door, Mom!

Former President Bush made a special appearance in his mother's bathroom this morning and was sent staggering out with a plunger on his face.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

They Felt Right

A man was caught and jailed in Pittsburgh, Pa. after he tried to pass $50 bills he had reprinted over $5 bills.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Neighbors Move Before Police Check It Out

Country store in Neafas, Kentucky, say that strangers have been spending purple-dyed money in their store for years. "We heard about them changing the twenties and tens, didn't know all had purple."

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Mormons Victims Of Theft

Obese neighbors admit in court that for years they have been tunneling under Mormon family's house and stealing stored food from their basement.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Fat Lady Does Her Thing

The latest report on the US economy says that fat ladies are singing their asses off from Detroit to California.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Flintstone "Tires"

Fred Flintstone sues Bedrock Autos. Claims that he sometimes cannot get his feet to stop 'doing their stuff'. Carmake blames floorcat.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Spongebob caught in hot tub with naked, under-aged girls

Non-repentant Mr. Squarepants says "you may find this wrong on some ethical level, but I find the process rather absorbing."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Dubai demonstrates the "monkey see, monkey do" principle

"If the U.S. can spend money it doesn't have, and take out loans it can't repay, than why can't we?", said their leader. Hillary Clinton replies, "Because we have nukes and they don't. Duh."

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

HIV rates decreasing

Regrettably, this does not mean a decrease in fags, but only that those of them dumb enough for unsafe sex are all dead. The others are still playing safe, except when they cornhole your daughter.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

A man never forgets his first...

...so reader - yes, you - if you could tell your mom, "Hi", I'd appreciate it. Tell her I'm sorry I was so much more inept at it than she was, it was my first time, while she was very practiced.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Couple marries in line at Best Buy...

...and did so on Black Friday. Bystanders looking at the bride could only assume that the groom wanted to practice his purchasing savvy by buying in bulk while waiting. She's a supersized bargain.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Illinois Non Profit Organization In Trouble For Strong Arm Tactics

Law officers say that campaign of "contribute or I bitch slap your wife and put a cigarette out on your kid" goes a little too far.

written by Jalapenoman, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Springfield Man wins costume contest for 70's throwback leisure suit at Wife Beaters Association Convention

"I didn't know there was a costume contest."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 November 2009
Rating:

One Western Illinois man feels left our at National Wife Beaters Association Convention

"Hey, I beat up lots of girlfriends. That should count for something!"

written by Jalapenoman, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Springfield Man enjoying most aspects of National Wife Beaters Association Convention

"My only gripe is that there are no small children for me to put my cigarettes out on. What happened to the human ashtrays?"

written by Jalapenoman, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Springfield man wins overall competition at Wife Beaters Association Convention

Says one judge, "this guy could really knock a girl's socks off...and her wig...and her false eyelashes..."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Georgia jail to be painted a "soothing" pink

"Besides", said Warden Sam Norton, "These boys fuck like faggots, let them live like faggots, too."

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Man from Western Chapter wins slap off at Wife Beaters Association Convention

Man breaks record with 177 slaps in one minute.

written by Jalapenoman, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Back to school, chubby

Not only are some colleges requiring graduates to be fit, but in a controversial expansion of the program, you and several million others will lose their degrees unless you shed those excess pounds.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Eight is not enough

Octomom Nadya says she want's more kids. Even if she has to get married to do it. "Sure, it's unorthodox, but as I lost my turkey baster in a Thanksgiving mishap, this may the only way now."

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

News from the National Wife Beaters Convention in Illinois

Brandy Alexander voted the favorite drink, while Mike Tyson elected to hall of fame.

written by Jalapenoman, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Roman Polanski says, "She wasn't worth it"

Polanski, to be freed on $4.5 million bail, commented that the 13 year old really wasn't worth it. "She was inexperienced, and the screaming was distracting. I could see, 2 maybe, but 4.5? Silly."

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Little Goes A Long Way!

A daily dose of peanut butter may ward off allergy in kids say scientists. Also, sipping a little toilet water from commode could help avoid hepatitis should he wind up a nerd.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Post Office says, "We kill for you!"

The Post Office, still unable to make a profit, is branching out into contract killing. Buy their new War Tax stamp, and additional bombs will be dropped on Afghani and Iraqi kids.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

"Police Are On The Way!"

The Department of Homeland Security says that their fake "Warning You Are In The Wrong Country" recordings around the perimeter of the US not working.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Kodachrome to close

The last Kodachrome developer is to close soon, made obsolete by digital cameras. The employees say they will gain new employment in the more stable field of VHS tape manufacturing.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Kooks right again

Those kooks who said that invading Afghanistan was just our government looting, and that we'd never hold it, were right. This has been known all along by thinking people, but even the dumb know now.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Grim Reaper keeping eye on Walmart

The Grim Reaper, much like the vultures who hang around customary battlefields and accident prone intersections, is keeping a sharp eye out on the stores of Walmart. He is expecting a good harvest.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Pardon Me, Ms. Pardon

Dolly Parton defeats world chess champion. "Only played 10 games in my life", says Titty...Dolly.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Discovered In The Same Area

The famous fossil of an early relative of modern human beings called Peking Man may be 200,000 years older than previously thought, a new study finds. "Although we were correct about Beijing Man."

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Don't Overdo It

Hiker in the great Smokey Mountains climbs twenty feet above highest mountain peak. Bear below tree.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Smokey Not Happy

Smokey The Bear kicks hiker's ass for not putting out fire, rubs Yogi's face in it afetr catching him shitting in the woods & not covering it up. Looking for Booboo.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

One Taliboom Coming Up!

President Obama finally makes decision on troops now in Afghanistan: All troops withdraw immediately. One atomic bomb issued to Karzai.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Bush Tells Obama To Get Wid It!

Former President Bushresident tells Obama to make a decision on troops or I'm mispronoun you to death.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Blaine Turning Up Everywhere

A formation of wild geese led by David Blaine in a glider amazes Air Show in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Robot Sets Off Bomb

A huge explosion has occurred in Baghdad, Iraq after a U.S. Army bomb disarming robot turns around and passes troops mumbling, 'I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING IN THE KITCHEN!'

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

She'll Never Learn Nothing!

79-year old Miss Beulah Jane Pudd of Tupelo, Mississippi has once again appeared in court there for the 17th time on various minor crimes. Judge: "You need to leave them young men be, Miss Pudd."

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

College Takes Beating

College of Cosmetology beaten by Michigan State, 109-12 but you can't see a bruise. "Well done", says coach Perchprick.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Pot A Cure-All

Sales growth of prescription drugs down for the second year in a row, with the economic downturn playing a key role, according to study. Authorities say marijuana sales make customers forget sickness.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Irish catholic priests shock the Pope and admit to being "STRAIGHT"

The Catholic world is in disarray as Irish priests admit that they are Hetro not Paedo or Homo, The Pope reacted angrily threatening to ban the "abnormal bastards"

written by Jaggedone, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Polanski Buys Helicopter Company

- located on the French side of the French-Swiss border. Company inventory includes fast low flying helicopters.

written by Tcoah, 27 November 2009
Rating:

College Dean denies charges of assault and battery brought by co-ed

"Sure I hit her, but I used my fists and not an Energizer or Duracell."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Trains & Cows Still Don't Mix

Amtrak says their trains will be busy with travelers, cows, trains! "Although most of the old cows will be on the trains", jokes former Engineer.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Sorry Lambert Snippet

Lambert says he was sorry but not carried away. I'm sorry, but I got carried away. Lambert got carried away, not sorry!
Sorry.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Captain Wins Car On Leno

Air Force captain wins new car on 'Jay Leno Show'. Oprah: That the best you can do?"

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Sex Actually Causes Spreading Of HIV

UNAIDS: Sex main cause for HIV spreading in China. Government demands end to HIV parties!

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Atlantis Coming Back

Space shuttle Atlantis heads for morning landing in Shangri La!

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

US Buildup Helps Afghan Provinces

US buildup seen as helpful in 2 Afghan provinces, the ones occupied mostly by UN forces.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Party Crashers No Threat!

Secret Service who reported that party crashers posed no danger to Obama turn out not to be in the Secret Service but Catering Service!

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Polanski Release Monday?

Swiss: Polanski in jail until at least Monday. "We've pretty well shaken him down for all we can get", says official. "Tired of all the whimpering."

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Favre Nearly Perfect

Favre nearly perfect in Vikings' 35-9 romp over Lions. Of course, so has every other quarterback against lions.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Food Banks Go High Tech, Need Food

Food banks across the country are undergoing a high-tech revolution, adopting sophisticated databases, bar coding, GPS tracking, automated warehouses, laser-beam rat killers and other technologies.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Pinetop Perkins Still Playing

Noisy crowds in smoky bars don't bother 96-year-old bluesman Pinetop Perkins. "Would one of you gents help me down. I'm through with my session."

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Quit Cold-Turkey !

In tobacco-loving Va., bars to quit cold-turkey. Will mostly serve ham on rye. Then a smoke!

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Feminists Don't Know What They're Missing!

Feminists are angry at a garden centre for asking men to make their wives happy by buying them a clothes line for Christmas. It's a lot cheaper than buying a new car + husbands will be happier.

written by IN SEINE, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Americans Toss Food

Americans toss out 40 percent of All Food! Toss up another 10% as 50% eat at fast foods, are bulimic.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Holiday Sky Treat

Holiday Sky Treat: Spot the Shuttle and Space Station and win a suit!!

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Iran Rebuked Severely

IAEA votes to rebuke Iran over nuclear cover-up. "Bad Iran! Bad Iran!...Down Boy! Down Boy!"

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

World Stocks Down

Dubya woes hit world stocks again; Asia down most. I'm sorry, Dubai woes hit world stocks again!

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Jaws Of Life Needed

Shoppers pack stores as holiday season revs up. Two fat ladies wedged in doorway in Memphis causes panic.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Over-developed 13 year old girl nervous

Her teacher Mr. Goldstein keeps her after class every other day to remind her about bad touches. As if that's not eerie enough, he demonstrates what a bad touch is each time. Thoroughly.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Mama Mia!

How come we don't make fun of eye ties any more? You know, wops? Dagos? What, like they're still not silly, over-gesticulating, noodle slurping peasants prone to vice?

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Your wife is thankful...

...that this Thanksgiving you passed out before squeezing her cousin Marcia's breast openly like last year. Fortunately for you, she doesn't realize that Marcia blew you twenty minutes beforehand.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Whatever happened to...

...the former Soviet Union's nuclear arsenal? And shouldn't Homeland Security worry about that, rather than terrorists so poor as to not be able to afford their own planes?

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Couple crashes White House dinner

An uninvited couple was able to crash a White House dinner, and get close enough for handshakes and photos with world leaders. Government security was too busy monitoring your phone calls to notice.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Man misuses Butterball hotline number

While the line exists for all Thanksgiving turkey emergencies, a local man was charged with misusing it when he called in to ask how to deal with his severely overweight wife.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

IAEA Chief didn't stay bought

After years of being soft on Iran's nuclear defiance, the outgoing chief of the IAEA - no longer in a position to take bribes - is saying that it was as bad as the West thought all along.

written by Alexandria177, 27 November 2009
Rating:

No Spelling Bees

Scientists discourage children with news that there is no Spelling Bee. "They are right up there with 'Writing Spiders'."

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

GM Further Declines

The CEO of General Motors has announced that the company's dropped all the way down to PFC Motors.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Tibetan Monks Disappear

Chinese guards spooked as Tibetan monks keep appearing and disappearing from cells. "We didn't arrest these", say frightened guards.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Tabloid: Faked Michelle Pics

Sleazy tabloid apologizes for running faked nude photographs of Michelle Obama. "We're sorry, those aren't you", states paper. "I'm sorry they're not me too", First Lady replies.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Why Live?

Harvard researcher says man can live 1,000 years or longer if he would avoid sex. "Most can't hold out past 3 days", it concludes.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Elton Can't Find John

Elton John mistakenly uses the Ladies' Room in Australian visit, then mistakenly uses men's room.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Brazil Cover Up

Brazil miniskirt student to march in Carnival Parade. Will be the most-dressed lady in parade.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Cuba Doing Exercises

Cuba launches military exercises designed to guard against U.S. invasion. Troops run around the edges of the country 24 hours of the day.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Castr Delivers Long Speech

Cuba's Fidel Castro looked good during five hour speech say man on the Havana street. "But wish he would quit screaming BRAINS! every ten minutes."

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

"You Lie!"

Those invited guests to the White House dinner last week say there was one panic when Hillary Clinton was telling a story about her recent overseas visit, her pantsuit caught on fire!

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Bizarre Mutilations

Bizarre calf mutilations found on Colorado ranch. "These are a lot worse than your common, run-of-the-mill mutilations", says Police Chief.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Pelosi Responds To Fashion Police

Pelosi rebukes fashion critic at State Dinner. "I did NOT look like Larry Craig in drag!"

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Pandemic Flu In China

China expert warns of pandemic flu mutation. Places all pandas into isolation.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Obama Setting Records

Obama shatters spending record for first-year presidents. However, he has also helped more people get their first unemployment checks.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Why H1N1 Vaccine was Delayed

Trials of the H1N1 vaccine were suspended to solve a problem. Tests revealed that when the vaccine was given to Democratic far left wing liberals, they immediately became conservative Republicans.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Nobel Prize 2010

The tradition of the Nobel Prize Committee started this year will continue into 2010. Governor Sarah Palin will be nominated in anticipation of her doing something useful in the next four years.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Senate Mental Health Care Reform

The Senate bill establishes "TV Police!" They will improve US mental health by banning "Dancing with the Stars" & "The Biggest Loser," replacing these shows with "Leave it to Beaver" & "I love Lucy."

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Winter Fling

During a visit to Venezuela, President Ahmadinejad of Iran and President Chavez hugged and held hands. The tabloids are speculating whether this gay old time is real or only a winter romance.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Who's Watching the Store

CIA AGENT: Infiltrators have gotten into a high security government facility. SENATE COMMITTEE: You mean Karzai's palace in Afghanistan? CIA AGENT: No, President Obama's White House in Washington DC.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Al Gore Hiding Out!

US: Impression left by emails is that global warming game has been rigged from start. Fanatics want Al Gore drawn and quartered over losing factory jobs.

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
Rating:

Plague Traced

A new study just released by a group of historians shows that the Great Plague of Europe was spread mainly through dumping chamber pots out the windows, into the streets below, especially direct hits!

written by Bureau, 27 November 2009
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