Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 24 November 2009
How To Get a 'Green Card'
With a green crayon color a plain post-card green.
Yesterday It Was Hendrix
Phil Specter apparently losing it as he's often overheard talking to Michael Jackson about his plans for a new Jackson album idea.
Afraid Socks Were Next
Although millions of people saw the former President of the United States dodging shoes thrown at him, he only today told reporters, "The shoes were nothing, I was about to pass out from the smell."
She Makes Me SO Mad!
To no one's surprise, the #1 rated person with the best lung capacity for holding their breath in America is Michael Phelps. Surprisingly, Mr. Nancy Pelosi came in second.
CEO Now 87
Harold J. Lungsford, the 87-year-old CEO of the Ex-Lax Company credits his excellent workouts at the gym toilet for his longevity.
Mummy Had Today's Diseases
3000-Year-Old Mummy found to have had clogged arteries, heart disease, probably high blood pressure. However, apparently died right after the ten plagues hit Egypt.
Laden's Hispanic Roommate
Bin Laden's college roommate at says that Osama's weird views had everyone calling him, "El Loco Laden!"
Not These Troops!
Detainees in Iraq may have been gotten cruel punishment as witnessed by photos of stacked naked soldiers, but it wasn't all that unusual for these college dropouts, Atty. for accused US Troops argues.
Male rabbit with laboratory-brown penis mates with scientists hand before he can get it into the cage with the female, who looked darts at him.
Surprise By TV Version
Man at bar says his Mom could never understand why the ending of 'Gone With The Wind' was so controversial. "When I saw it, Rhett said, 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a diddly squat'."
Another DotCom Gone!
Lack of funding, bad ideas finally leads to the fall of Broke&Stupid.com. "And I had such high hopes", drools owner.
Add On Inches, Foot!
Scientists say they are now able to actually grow meat in the lab! Consumer agency warns public: Get ready for the e-mails!
Whoops! They've Done It Again
For the third time in the past 100 years, a rude French waiter has set off another World War!
Obama Reaches Decision
Prsident Obama finally makes decision on troops in Afghanistan. He is sending 100,000 Black Friday WalMart Shoppers to crush Taliban strongholds.
They Got All The Money
All the major league baseball teams declare bankruptcy except Yankees and Braves, who will start the season with the world series.
Obama Tired Of Joke
President Obama upon return from far east says that one joke he's already sick & tired of hearing from leaders is, "You want a Peace of me? hah hah hah!"
Greens For 2012!
Not surprisingly, a new study reveals that the "Greens" are the most envious political group who want the 2012 White House.
"The Hills Have Cousins!"
According to The Arkansas Cousin newspaper, two related unknowns were married in a secret ceremony sometimes last week. More freaks expected!
Scientists report finding their third old Lincoln automobile on Continental Shelf.
New Laden Video
In his latest video, Osama Bin Laden offers to match any reward money the US is offering anyone who finds him. "Please it will be in Chinese money!"
Obama Withdrawing Troops?
What will happen if Obama withdraws all US troops from Afghanistan? "We're going to Disney World" yells Taliban among gunfire into the air!
Pirates attack ship off of Benin, swashbuckler Johnny Depp was sighted!
Pirates attack ship off of Benin? Long-lost hopeless pirate Capt. Johnny Depp was seen swashbuckilng with a parrot on his shoulder called Sweeny Todd!
Western European Countries demand immigrants speak their languages, HEEH, HAAH!
The multi-culti horse bolted years ago, now Europeans are extracting their heads out of their butts and wish to round the "bolted horses" up and new immigrants must now learn the language, HEEH HAAH!
Lambert At White House
Obama thanks Hollywood with coveted invites to First White House state dinner where there will be a special performance by Adam Lambert who will kiss him on the mouth.
Obama In Bowing Mood
President Barack Obama, just back from his trip to China and Japan, forgot and bowed to Michelle's mother this morning, before doing the breakfast dishes.
ABC's 'Good Morning, America' cancels Adam Lambert after he is seen preparing to enter stark naked.
Mekka host "Headbanging Mosh Party" to beat all parties!
Millions of Muslim, heavymetal heandbangers are heading towards Mekka for a "Mega-Mosh-in" Hopefully it remains peaceful and the fans don't get trampled to death like last year, Allah be with you!
Oprah Not Caring Much
Oprah just doesn't care much for appearance since announcing the program's ending. Yesterday, she wore jogging pants and "The Obama Banana Tee-shirt" while eating a piece of sweet potato pie.
Jedward finally crashes on The X Factor. Will be replaced bu Squidward!
Mass Killer's Insanity Defense
Attorney: Fort Hood suspect may use insanity defense. Claims everyone in the United States is crazy but attorney & himself and has doubts about attorney. (Which proves he is sane."
Ties That Bind
Obama hails US-India ties amid talks with Singh as workers from both countries put together Christmas Ties with pics of Chuck E. Cheese character on them.
Well Ring My Neck!
Festival of mass animal sacrifice begins in Nepal, New Orleans ( mostly chickens).
Frankie Valli Moves To Wales.
"I just love the valley's, I do" says the 75 year old crooner.
Shriver Calling Schwarzenegger!
Just weeks after California first lady Maria Shriver apologized for parking in a red zone, her husband appears to have violated the same law. Parks Porsche in red zone.
Wall Street Removing Sign
Wall Street employees quietly removing big sign, "Why Not Take The Plunge Today?"
Big Three Supporting Big Seven!
All BIG THREE makers of Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis say they are doing fine during these hard times, actually looking forward to more inflation.
He's Really Good!
A male plastic surgeon from New York is getting plenty of publicity all across the nation after extensive walking trip while looking like Anna Nicole Smith.
Economy Hits A Bump In The Road
Police precinct near Wall Street say that due to number of jumpers, they are out of chalk for outlines.
He's "Out There"!
A report out of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma says that a man crossing the United States in a segway claims he is doing so to bring attention to a bar bet in Boston.
A new free government Obama sponsored booklet allows you to see how an early death can help your children to get their kids through college.
Some Banks Doing Better
While many US banks are hurting, most blood plasma banks say they're full and can pay no more donors.
You Are What You Eat
A Florida man has sued a hot dog company after telling them that he has eaten nearly 1,000 of their hot dogs and they haven't added half an inch to penis but his toes longer.
"Took A Licking!"
Electrician hit by 11,000 volt blast saved by his WATCH! "It was right next to my heart and it kept on ticking."
New Chameleon Found
New species of chameleon discovered when scientist feels lump after placing hand on wall. "Probably been here for years as he's quite good at disguising himself."
Student, 4, Expelled
Expelled at the age of 4: School says he attacked two teachers but his parents insist he's just lively. "Little fart brained me with a brick last week", laughs dad.
Third Not Receiving Good Education
One third of schools not giving pupils a good education, watchdog warns. "Too busy fighting off knife attacks", say frightened teachers.
Man Finds Lost "Family"
'It's like finding out Hitler is your dad': DJ Matthew Roberts tracks down long-lost father, but discovers he's Charles Manson. Decides not to check on any more relatives.
Nearly 90 Santa Gets Help
Aging Santa gets $100,000 facelift for Christmas, plus a lap transplant.
Judge Blocks Law
A judge on Friday blocked a Tennessee law that allowed people to bring handguns into restaurants, bars and jail cells.
Complaints About Lambert
ABC says it has received complaints on Lambert. Hoping outrageous show will improve dropping ratings.
Jackson's Doctor Back At Clinic
Jackson's doctor returns to his Houston clinic. "Anyone does a moonwalk around here will get a hard enough ass kick to propel them out the door."
Alert But Mute
Belgian says he was alert but mute for 23 years in a coma. "Now I know how those poor mimes feel in their cubes."
Better 'Skip' One Day
Astronauts rest up after three spacewalks, couple of space jogs.
Heinz Profit Falls, Will Try To Ketchup!
Heinz 2Q profit falls, but sales improve after explosion at ketchup factory not nearly as bad as it first appeared.
Obama To Honor Indian PM
Obama to honor Indian PM with state visit. Will crawl the last ten steps in approach.
Fate Worse Than Death
Atty: Fort Hood suspect may use insanity defense. Will be housed with those who will keep him nutty rest of his life.
New Side Effects
GlaxoSmithKline pulls swine flu vaccines in Canada after curly tails begin to appear on patients.
Bum Forecast Out!
Economic recovery likely not quite that energetic, say bums lying on benches around Washington Square Park.
Regis Overhaul Ready
Regis Philbin taking leave of absence for surgery overhaul. "I'll be 50% Chinese parts next time you see me."
Politicians Will Be Politicians
South Carolina legislators begin Sanford impeachment hearings. North Carolina monitoring John Edwards situation.
China Executes Greedy
China executes 2 for role in tainted milk scandal. Bernie Madoff monitoring situation closely.
Goodbye Jobs, Hello Parents!
Goodbye jobs, hello mom and dad, say young adults, "Is the basement still empty?"
"100 Icebergs Floating!"
Over 100 icebergs drifting to N.Zealand: official. One red-nosed reindeer rescued before Polar bear got him.
Obama Replaces Teleprompter With Karaoke Machine
Struggling in the polls, President Barrack Obama has replaced his teleprompter with a karaoke machine. His speeches are now both senseless and entertaining.
Salford Virgin Conference cancelled
This year's Virginity Symposium in Salford has been cancelled due a lack of subscribers.
Americans are not Prejudiced
The most recent poll has shown Americans are not prejudiced. There are a few exceptions, such as when Reverends Jackson, Sharpton and Wright are around and Janeane Garofalo opens her mouth!
Mule Team Loses
Mule-riding basketball game for charity finishes with a 54-12 ass kicking!
A Louisiana Senator got $100-$300 million for support of health care bill debate, thus defining her action. W. Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price."
Climate Change a Hoax
German publications indicate no world climate change has occurred for a considerably long period of time. Reporters seeking Al Gore for comment found he has vanished into thin air.
Suicide Bomber Loses It
First meeting of the suicide bombers anonymous canceled after early arrival explodes off the wagon!
"Sold Down the River"
President Obama, the attorney general and far left wing Democrats, by holding political trials of the 9/11/01 Islamic terrorists in NYC civilian courts have "sold the USA down the river."
Old Hippy Down
A longtime marijuana smoker since the Haight Asbury days has been diagnosed with Timothy O'Leary's Disease where everything drops out.
Turkey Demands Trial
On Friday, President Obama pardons the White House turkey. Dick Cheney plans to be on hand to help flip the President the bird.
Deflation Hits Candy Bars
The Kelloggs Company Rice Crispy Candy Squares will be 20% smaller starting in January because of the present Crunch!
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