Spoof news snippets from Monday 23 November 2009
WalMart Weiner Wrappers
WalMart drugs announces another big holiday season roll-back on condoms, most brands, sizes, dimples, danglers, extenders, colors and favorites including big peeled banana .
Burglary Sores In Town.
A burglar sustained extreme blisters, whilst running away from Police.
......But apparently Barbie wouldn't.
Latest Football Scores.
Leeds 1 - Bolton didn't.
Albania: Government Bars Lunatics From Zoos
Albania's government said today that it was banning mental patients from visiting the country's zoos because many Albanians seem to think that lions eat nuts.
Women Who Snore Are 87% More Likely To Die Young.
If they sleep next to me.
Pam Spreads Out!
Pamela Anderson has announced plans to tour the U.S. and boink one person from each state. "I've done it before, but I thought it might be funner now that I'm in my 30's," said the deluded bombshell.
Pamela Anderson has announced her new line of breast implants, "Malibu-loons." They will be available at sub-par plastic surgery clinics in L.A. and near the Mexican border beginning in 2010.
Hence The Phrase, "Lucky Turkey"
PETA supported Pamela Anderson will pardon, then sleep with a turkey for Thanksgiving. Interested turkeys may apply at her website: pamboinksaturkey.com/entryform.
Kill + Boink = Average American
The Fester Institute of Des Moines has announced that the Top Two pipe dreams of Americans are to kill their boss and to boink Pamela Anderson. Not necessarily in that order... and not only for men.
JFK Anniversary marked in Dallas at shooting site as Muslims gather to honor the memory of Lee Harvey Oswald.
Learning US Lingo
Sunni National Guard in Iraq starting to come under "Shiite Fire! Save a-tha mitches!"
Gas Is Up Again!
A recent Gallup Poll indicates that gas is hitting the elderly hardest! "You can hear 'Grandda' over in the next house with those blasts."
Somali pirate's numbers down as they mistakenly hijack French ship smuggling nuclear wastes to a secret island.
Won't Give Up
Ousted Honduras leader gives political talks until One AM. Wife and kids move in with her mother.
Obama Makes 27th Cover
Newsweek Magazine puts Barack Obama on the front cover of their magazine for the 27th time. This time it reads: Twilight sets movie records. Picture shows Obama on phone with Robert Pattinson.
Old Farts Passed?
President Obama defends call for broad health care overhaul. "Our new health care will take care of all you old broads and old farts once they're passed.
Weren't Sick Earlier
Public says it is sick to death of hearing about the pukin' health care!
Shlmo Just Removed Shoe To Scratch Fungus
Meeting between pacifist Israelis and Palestinians ends in massive shoe fight.
Is That Shit On The Ceiling?
Astronauts on space station say they won't try fixing pancakes again after mix floats away & staff get battered while asleep.
Most Disapprove Spoof
Many claim that new spoof song "Here Comes The WalMart Crowd, Right Down Santa Claus Lane" in bad taste.
Not So Good In English Either
Thirtteen out of eighteen students in these United States doing bad in math according to random poll of twenty-two.
Supreme Court Ruling
Outcome of terrorist's trials in the United States depends upon what exactly the term. "mass murderer" means.
MP investigating MP's expenses is found fiddling himself
An upright MP investigating the expenses scandal in the UK is found out fiddling himself, house of Commons is now employing Broadmoor inmates to investigate further
Country could be headed for a second civil war as police having trouble finding enough bullets, all through the hills and hollows there are gatherings of the "Bibles & Bullets" crowds.
Hadron Collider Latest
That Hadron Collider giving people causing some serious shit, says neighbor out to sue for black hole in the kitchen.
Sally Struthers Leaves Post
Sally Struthers leaves charity as spokeswoman. "I've simply got too much on my plate right now. Kirstie Alley is taking over."
World suicide count at 100,000 and counting. Most messages simply say, "I don't want to live without Oprah!"
"Renting Beer Possible"
Brew Masters say that "renting" beer actually possible after invention of piss-drinker machine. Only side effect might be yeast infection.
New Tush Reducer
Thighmaster comes out with the "Assmaster", not to be confused with the Bass Master.
Put 'Em Up!
Sperm Bank held up once again. Lady with same bandit still not pregnant. Tells donors there to "put them up!" Police think he's got a teeny one.
In Line For Black Friday
Man already in line for Black Friday sneezing his head off, no one will line up close to him. Now he's lying down, kicking. May be the old Swine Flu fakeroo!
The Dark Side Of Nader
Ralph Nader really serious about 2012. To call his followers "Nader's Vaders"!
Oprah No Superstar
Survey: Most people say that Oprah is not a megastar, just the nice lady down the street, that owns the city.
First Quarter Bottom Out?
Economic survey: Job losses to bottom out in 1Q so you might as well bend over and take it.
Henry Vacuum Cleaners Face Sales Downturn in Ireland
Football fans in Ireland have boycotted the purchase of Henry vacuum cleaners in protest at Thiery Henry's handball which robbed Ireland's chances of a world cup place.
Women Worry about Their Bodies up to 252 Times a Day!
Researchers have found that women worry about their bodies 252 times a day - whereas men only worry about their appearance maybe six times a day. However, gay men worry about theirs 500 times a day.
Palin The Polarizer
Many in GOP say that the actions of former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin starting to polarize their party.
Detective arrested over alleged sex assaults on female suspects. "It's bending their heads so they don't hit them on car top. It tilts their rears out and I get all excited."
Tripping The Light Fantastic, Falling
Al and Tipper Gore to star in new Broadway musical to be called, "Environmentally Yours". No threat to "Dancing With The Stars".
President Obama upset over finding stickers on his back from recent visit to Japan, China "Honorable Greenhorn, Take Advantage!"
He's Back & He's Different
Wild man Ralph Nader and his buddies, the Lebanese Mafia, already planning their strategy on his 2012 presidential run, how to make offers public cannot refuse.
Al Gore Ten Foot Tall
Al Gore still at it with the ocean's waters rising. He's investing heavily into producing fiberglass stilts!
Mime Events Start Today
The first ever International Mime Games to begin in France Tuesday. Look for big Charade Parade today.
Volkswagen On The Market?
Volkswagen offers to merge with two other companies, told to quit bugging them for now.
Drain On Everybody
President Obama's new health care bill offers seniors incentives to top themselves.
Boston Says No!
Boston says they do not want to take part in today's tea parties. "We've done our share many years ago."
Big Bang Machine Bangs
Scients say that the Big bang machine is beginning to give off pretty good sized bangs, smoke already.
So Stop Worrying
NASA: Odds of any space junk falling on anyone of any importance, at least 1,000 to 1.
A Cure For Something
A cure for coughing could be in the offing...I'm sorry, a cure for hacking could be in the offing.
John Paul Whipped Himself
Pope John Paul 'would whip himself before he ordained priests'
just in case one of them "later attacked alter boys".
World Economy Edgy
World economy still 'highly vulnerable' to shocks, warns IMF chief. "Let's say all the computers get hacked and all nuclear missiles fired immediately..."
Children In Tears
Children in tears as primary teacher 'tells them to imagine your dad had been killed in 9/11 or that Hannibal the Cannibal had sauteed their livers in wine sauce."
Male Employees Embarrassed
Woman airport boss accused of bullying and 'humiliating' three male workers. Told to "speak up like you got a pair!"
Coma Patient Was Awake
Rom Houben: Patient trapped in a 23-year 'coma' was conscious all along. Taking secret notes and hiding them in mattress.
TV Doctor Beaten Up
TV doctor punched unconscious after asking couple to be quiet. "You can't fix a TV with all that loud sex going on."
Art World In A Spew
Rare Charles Darwin book found on toilet bookshelf. Van Gogh painting used for toilet paper.
Astronaut Suit Problem
Astronaut suit problem delays spacewalk No. 3 as No. 2 kicks in three days after Taco Bell meal.
Gold Top Commodity?
World markets rally as gold hits new record high. Experts agree, "If times get hard enough, you can always eat gold."
"Oil Well, There's Plenty More!"
Oil rises above $78 amid Iranian war games as seventeen oil wells blown up accidentally.
FBI Needs Help
FBI wants public's help in prostitute killings. "We can't be killing them all, ourselves", states one official.
Med Pot Out There
Medical marijuana finds social outlet in Oregon cafes, mall kiosks!
Michael Jackson Wins Four
Michael Jackson wins 4 at AMAs; Swift top artist as many in audience are surprised at seeing dead star accepting awards..
Sign For Today
A sign of the times: "Will Work For Breast Implants!"
China Denies Spying
China slams US report warning of spying by Beijing. "We did not do any spying...especially during women's sports.
Northeaster Drops The Ball
Northeastern drops football program after 74 years. "Too expensive, we're punting", says Superintendent.
Request Before Any Execution
Transgender murderer renews electrolysis request. Tells everyone: "I want to die like a man!"
Daycare Kids Taken Care Of By TV
Study: kids watching hours of TV at home daycare, watching video games. Many Mimicking SpongeBob.
Unkno Sea Creatures Found
Thousands of strange creatures found deep in ocean. Several boarding UFO's. Two Nessie lookalikes!
Boa Constrictors Multiplying
In Florida this morning snake experts were called to go with police who had received a call from Rush Limbaugh saying, big snakes were all around his house. Expert says it's the snakes mating season.
Jasper Death Reported
Old guy in Jasper, Georgia who was asphyxiated after getting stuck in gas station bathroom for two hours apparently died from his own fumes. He was 79.
Both Heads Agree
Both heads of the U.S. Nuclear Regulatory Commission says the small amount of radiation detected at the Three Mile Island nuclear power plant is not significant.
Both Really Wanting Rain
Naked girls plow fields in India for rain once again for rain as young men watch from behind bushes, hoping for mudfights.
Wallabys At The Border
Once again, massive quake moves New Zealand closer to Australia. Crocodile Dundee, Kangaroo Jack say, "No closer, Mates!"
W.Va. New Motto
West Virginia announces new motto: "West Virginia: Keeping it in the family since 1776."
We're Only Grunts
Production slow on Swine Flu vaccines, with public servants, congress trying to go whole hog before elderly, children.
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