Spoof news snippets from Saturday 21 November 2009
Old Time Nudist!
Old lady nudist calls police that kids have been peeking in. When one finally arrives, she points at hole in fence, puke on the ground.
Sounds About Right
Brain scans on teenage street gangs can trace reasons for their life of crime say there's mostly shit.
Voted safest job in the world
China today is offering the Dalia Lama and his supports the safest jobs in the county and maybe the world, Mining jobs in China, rated by the Chinese Labour Department.
Al Gore Suddenly Seems Troubled About Global Warming
Al Gore states that world banking meltdown could occur at any time, due to global warming.
Obama Strikes Back
President to begin wearing grass skirts at press conferences to remind accusers that he was born in Hawaii.
Another Teacher Caught
Kentucky Elementary School teacher accused of having sex with fourth grader, 37-year-old Johnny "Johnson" Johnson!
Wadda Ya Knows
The Italian government has announced that it's top lottery prize for the third time in a row by Nice Guy Joey.
Boys Will Be Boys
Romulan Teen's small craft loses cloaking device in women's shower room, creating interstellar incident.
Michael Jackson to Be Born-Again in March
A couple in Sunderland are due to give birth to a baby girl in March. The scan shows clearly that she looks like Michael Jackson. The couple plan to name the girl 'Michaela'. Now that's bad!
Number Of Customers Increasing!
Shopkeepers say that the number of shoppers are beginning to increase. "Just hope more begin paying for their items", report police.
Animal/Human DNA Experiment
Brits announce study of human DNA in animals. Hope to develope a bulldog every bit as good a home defender as Winston Churchill.
Dutch luxury car makers, Spyker are to move their manufacturing plant to Britain. Whilst half of the cars will still be made in Holland, the other half will be made in Coventry.
US Exit Strategy
Obama planning date for US pullout in what he is now referring to "Operation Hesitation".
Took Two Johns
Historians agree that Johnny Appleseed would not have been able to scatter apple trees across the U.S. if not for Johnny Horseapples following in his tracks.
Let It All Hang Out!
A new study done at nudist colonies shows that most men let everything hang out in front of women except their bellies.
New M. Moore Documentary Has Music
Michael more to use music in nest documentary on chicken processing plants, mostly from the Redhot Chicken Peckers.
Mideast War Escalates
Another escalation of war in Gaza as Palestinian youth built catapult to hurl bigger rocks.
Several Predicted It!
Two more victims of the Great America's Invertigo died after hanging upside down for over eight hours. Both finally ate shit and died after instant bowel movement.
Got The Big Head, Money
Badly shaken band employee still insists that it was Dick Nixon and Lyndon Johnson that held up the bank last week, even though admits that heads looked bigger.
He Belongs To Edwards Alright
John Edwards mistress told reporters that she knew her baby son was that of the Senator because as soon as he was born he wanted to play with a comb, look into mirror.
Need New Pill
American public says that if medical science can invent an anti-depressant pill, why not an anti-inflation pill? "We're big as houses out here!"
President Obama apologizes to the American people over his apologizing to Japan for having Japanese leaders apologize for Pearl Harbor after WWII.
Obama Apologizes Again
President Obama offer apologizes to native Americans by bowing to Chief Iron Ass, grandson of Iron Eyes. "Iron Ass responds with, "What, fire water conference?"
Several Injuried On "Greasy" Floor
Several injured in Manhattan on dance floor when one of Cher's boobs comes out and splatters on the floor.
The Real Thing!
Maple Syrup Festival to take place in Vermont. State warns tourists against "boogleg" Canadian maple syrup sold at roadsides.
There's Another One
American tourist found dead in Bermuda with mysterious "Triangle-shaped puzzle in his pocket.
UP & At "Em!
Independent Economy Group traces one $400,000 incentive package to cemetery in Utah.
Yogi Bear Quiz Show
New quiz show coming from Hanna Barbera featuring Yogi, "Are You Smarter Than The Average Bear?"
Here We Go Again
Alcohlic deputy sheriff catches College Professor breaking into his own house again. Calls White House.
Swine Flu Hard To Identify
Tamiflu medication can have side effects, say medical experts, and they are the same as when you have the Swine Flu.
Pelosi Passed Test
"The only test I passed while in school was the pregnancy one: Nancy Pelosi at Beer Conference.
Mr. Nancy Asks To Be Heard
Mr. Nancy Pelosi stated today that..(Saddup! Shaddup! Shaddup!)
Obama Reaches Decision
President Obama has finally reached his decision on whether to send more troops to Afghanistan: "We have decided to punt!"
Two reasons why the Twilight movies are earning millions at the box office:
Hype and hormones.
"Fidel Fit As A Riddle"
Cuban Foreign Minister says Fidel will celebrate 83rd birthday in December by moaning through eight hours of gibberish, loud snoring.
Slip Of The Tongue?
Democrats predict that owning both houses of prostitution, they probably meant congress, should continue After 2010.
Mussolini's Brain For Sale
Mussolini's 'brain and blood for sale on internet', Hitler's tenth penis.
Water Doesn't Make You Glow, Unless...
Water load of rubbish! Drinking eight glasses a day does NOT make your skin glow, say nutrition experts, "unless it come from Chernobyl.
Sex To Lure Investors
Mark's Angels: The three glamorous women hired by millionaire financier 'to lure in investors', especially plungers!
Troops Brought Back From Germany?
British troops could be withdrawn from Germany, says Tory MP Liam Fox, as 99% of WWII vets are dead!
Hadron Collider Beaming Again
Beam sent from Large Hadron Collider after 14 months of repairs after repair expert gets mad and kicks it.
Britain Should Ask For Bomber's Return
U.S. senator calls on Britain to demand 'immediate return' of Lockerbie bomber Al Megrahi because he's still alive after three months, but Libya says the trip would kill him!
Spain Highly Offended
Jeremy Paxman's diplomat brother apologises after Royal Navy 'uses Spanish flag for target practice'. Too late, as Spain cuts supply of Spanish Fly to England.
Global Warming Fraud Revealed
Hackers 'expose global warming con': Sceptics claim that leaked emails reveal research centre massaged temperature data, placed cigarette lighters near thermometers.
It Takes A Village Idiot
BBC dispatches 35 staff to climate talks - creating as much carbon as an African village does in a year, Rush Limbaugh after three burritos.
Credit Crunch Can Really Hurt
The Christmas credit crunch: Greedy finance firms push interest rate towards 40% plus kneecap if payments late.
Too Many Foreigners?
Why haven't any of our would-be MPs got normal English names, asks Tory official Peter "Cock" Robin.
"The Fat Farm Murders"
Gang accused of killing to sell human fat arrested after everyone stated that they had enough free donors, already.
A Good Talking To!
Syracuse runs away from No. 6 North Carolina! Couch talks team into returning, then they WIN!!
Snowbird Resort Opens
Snowbird Ski Resort in Utah opens for winter. Report that biggest snowbird group come from those who spend winter in Florida.
Doctor Checkups At Least Once In Ten Years
Report: 20-somethings can go 2 years between Paps, five years between dental checkups. Apparently getting ready for new health care plan.
Marines Get Shoddy Care
Fired therapist: Stressed Marines get shoddy care. Report that brains need care as well as feet.
Forgot Where They Were?
Biologists save fish after landslide, as for some reason, salmon try to swim up hillside, probably desperate to spawn.
Horton Spots Another One!
D.R. Horton sees twenty-six percent spike in 4Q orders, a Who!
Astronauts Take Second Walk
Astronauts gear up for 2nd spacewalk of mission to "get a little fresh hour, walk off big meal."
Students Occupy School Buildings
UC students occupy buildings to protest fee hike, some holding signs that read, "Free The Chicago 7" and "Make Love, Not Money!"
Big Banger Back
Quick restart of Big Bang machine stuns scientists as someone named Carl points out that "there ain't no gas in it!"
New Croc Fossils Found..Maybe
Three new ancient crocodile species fossils found but many suspicious as one fifty feet long, had seven legs, pointed out by giggling native.
Galileo's Tooth Found Also.
Museum that found Galileo's fingers, tooth, say the rest of the old fellow may be scattered about.
Like Converting Into Gazebos?
Owners of mall kiosks optimistic about sales. "These little kiosks can be used for many things," say sales staff.
Ark. Seeks Dump Clean-Up Funds
In Maggoty, Arkansas, Officials seek dump cleanup funds. "Nest one I see taking a dump in the creeks leading to river, I'll shoot in the ass", says law official.
Palin "Going Rogue" To Clear 2.5 Million Copies
"Going Rogue" was released this week and its print run already has been increased from 1.5 million copies to 2.5 million. Many credit bikini clad signings by Palin.
Records Won't Play
Former President Bush says that he's enjoying a copy of the Guinness Book of Records, especially the Guinness, but can't get pages to play on old phonograph.
Calling Guiness Book Of Records
FAA says equipment outage caused 819 flight delays. On the other hand, new record for # of "Mile High Club" joiners for one day as planes circled hours before landing cleared.
Couple To Be Sentenced
Couple pleads guilty in Cuban spying case as man may get life in prison, woman six years but then get to enjoy the wonderful world of Castro's Cuban paradise.
More E-mails From Fort Hood Killer?
Levin: could be more e-mails from Ft. Hood suspect, after computer brought to his hospital bed.
Galileo Fingers Found
Two fingers removed from Galileo Galilei's corpse in a Florentine basilica in the 18th century have been recovered, an Italian museum director said Friday. Thief used fingers to measure Tequila.
Lizard Man Arrested
Federal officials say they arrested a man who strapped 15 live lizards to his chest to get through customs at Los Angeles International Airport, after giggling uncontrollably.
No Big Problem Here!
FAQ: A normal person's guide to health care reform: Just get a 2,000 page copy of explanations and have your lawyer read it back to you.
Shroud Has Writing?
Researcher: Faint writing seen on Shroud of Turin shows it is very old as claimed or else a great forger.
Senate Healthcare Vote Due
1st Senate vote looms on health legislation as Dems promise billions more to Senator to change vote.
Obama Trumpets Himself!
Obama trumpets Asia trip as boost to US economy as he secures another $10 trillion in loans.
Hadrian Collider Restart
Quick restart of Big Bang machine stuns scientists in Geneva. Many say it will lead to great things while others say good-bye to loved ones.
Clerics Have Firm Hold
Iran clerics approve Ahmadinejad presidency once again. Will probably remove electronic ring from his penis in the near future.
IHOP Brit Week
International House of Pancakes Gay British fair all week with spotted dick, turd in the hole!
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