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Rich man shoves camel through needle's eye

Lucky thing it didn't have to pass through his anal sphincter, because that would have been an even tighter squeeze.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 November 2009
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Let's Put Some Seats On It!

Living near a wind farm could seriously damage your health, say researchers. Teens have been using them for a sort of homemade ferris wheel.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Castr Nixes Openess In Cuba

Castro says Cuban system to stay the same with no American influence. "It's worked well for my family for 50 years and the rest of the country? It gives them something to look forward to."

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Veterans Bowls, latest victim of corrupt decisions?!

Yes, even Veterans bowls (average age 98) has been infected by cheating and corruption. In a recent match a 98 was cheating, then mobbed by the other geriatrics and the ref saw nothing he claims!

written by Jaggedone, 20 November 2009
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Can't Recall Words When Drunk

An anthem sung by German football fans has drawn protests from Muslims because of reference to the Prophet Muhammad. Meanwhile, Ireland has objected to German beer song "When Irish Balls Are Smelling"

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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First the FIFA "STEW" the Irish then they discover another 200 footy games were corrupt,

After the Irish drama UEFA/FIFA are investigating 200 other, supposedly corrupt games, what with Afghan elections, MP's expenses and now "Footy" what's left? Game of bowls darling!

written by Jaggedone, 20 November 2009
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Officer Doing Well Now

More on that beer conference earlier in the year. A spokesman says that the reason the police officer there had to be taken to hospital later that night was from pissing on electrified security fence.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Reid On The Senate Floor: Things Looking Up

Harry Reid reports that the Senate is stalling some on healthcare plans but he personally believes things overall are looking up. "Especially after getting brained by a republican's shoe!"

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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New Piss Machine Delivered

Astronauts deliver new piss machine to space station. Water will now have less salty, pissy flavor.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Raid On Fat Farm

Four people have been arrested in Peru on suspicion of killing dozens of people in order to sell their fat and tissue for cosmetic uses in Europe. Claim 8oo-900 pounders would have died soon anyway.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Tamiflu Resistant Swine Flu Confirmed

Health officials have confirmed the person-to-person spread of a Tamiflu-resistant strain of swine flu. Will attempt to attack it with Damiflu.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Italian Rattlesnake Doing OK

A Brazilian transsexual named in a sex scandal involving a former Italian politician is believed to have been killed by one of 50 rattlesnakes that had somehow gotten into her Rome apartment.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Iran Dismisses Deal

The six major powers negotiating with Iran over its nuclear programme have said they are disappointed with Iran's response to an offer of a deal to arm them with the latest non-nuclear weapons.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Climate Research Computers Hacked

The e-mail system of one of the world's leading climate research units has been breached by hackers as "throw your trash out car windows, shit in the river" e-mails popping up everywhere.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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EU Rewards Nigeria

The European Commission has signed a $1bn (£602m) development pact with Nigeria, aimed at tackling corruption, promoting peace and a promise of no more e-mails.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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More Good News!

Scientists today announced that they have discovered that one's own stem cells can cause your stem to grow a whole two inches. I'm sorry, that was an e-mail.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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"Taco Message, Agent Child!"

Newly released book shows that Julia Child was a master spy for US during World War II. Apparently smuggled many secrets hidden in her special taco.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Americans Getting Older

Advanced 2010 US Census group say that Americans are getting older on average. "Everyone we interviewed in 2000 is ten years older", say census experts.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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New Fun-Sized Icebergs

Giant iceberg spotted this summer had shrunk to a smaller iceberg and now laughable little ice cubes that many boats ram into for the fun of it.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Mice Sing Serenades

Scientists say male mice serenade females! Number one singer: "Old Dirty Rat".

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Honesty Classes Over!

White House Honesty Classes completed successfully as entire staff certified "100% honest as the day is night."

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Greenpeace Poll

New study shows that the average member of Greenpeach have been atomic wedgied, depantsings average of five times.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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US Hit Hard

Swine Flu now second leading disease in the US, behind trade deficiency disorder.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Clubs Get New Taxes

Clubs in US, Britain with nude dancers to be taxed extra over obscene profits.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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French Smiling Lately

French government orders French people to forget haughtiness until recession is over.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Teacher Accused Of Having Sex With Young Student

Teacher, 65, jailed for having sex with girl, 16, during extra maths, sex education lessons.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Grandmother Jailed

Grandmother jailed for ordering kidnap and torture of son-in-law over unpaid £25,000 dowry, walks out on bail. Right into the path of a passing bus.


written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Vandal Walks Free

Vandal who let down ambulance tyres while girl, 2, was being treated, walks free from court, right into the path of a passing bus.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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45 Years Working With Only One Day Off

Father and son worked for 45 YEARS without a day off (apart from Christmas). Will only admit, "It's a night job mostly, but Junior spends some days spotting houses."


written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Guide Dog Replaced

Blind woman tells of terrifying moment a pit bull savaged her guide dog. Orders a guide cougar, hoping pit bull will attack again.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Balls Steps On Himself Again

Balls To That: GCSE quiz backfires on Balls as he makes 'schoolboy error' trying to outwit Tory shadow.


written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Sleepwalker Freed

Husband who strangled wife in his sleep after stopping his medication walks free from court, into the path of a passing bus.


written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Giant's Ace Beats Obama

Giants ace Lincecum wins second straight Cy Young Award, narrowly beating out President Obama throwing out the season's first pitch.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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By Presidential Order

U.S. Army to prevent media from covering Sarah Palin's appearance at Fort Bragg, fearing the event will turn into political truth against President Obama, officials said they were ordered Thursday.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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South The Fattest

US survey shows southern states are most obese. Released gases could be adding to global warming. "South Gonna Rise Again" proving true.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Glitch Creates Travel Woes

Glitch snarls air traffic in latest woes for FAA. Hopes are that next month, Glitch Won't Steal Christmas!

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Thar She Goes! Blows!

End of an era: Oprah ending show after 25 years. Will begin entirely new career as Food Critic.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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A Must Read Before Next Elections

Stories that changed the world! New book tells of the number of stories politicians made during campaigns.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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North Pole Heading South

Volunteers strive to save Santa letter service, Santa & reindeer, toys from floating iceberg.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Tobacco Companies To Pay Up

A South Florida jury ordered Philip Morris USA to pay $300 million to a former smoker, agreeing that the tobacco company's negligence was the cause of her emphysema. Tobacco costs raised to cover it.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Fat Helps Elderly

A few extra pounds may help elderly live longer. So eat, drink, take pills and be merry!

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Networks At Odds

Fox News again accused of airing misleading video while three networks continue the Obama Half Hour Show that no one watches.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Three New Crocs

3 new ancient crocodile species fossils found, say scientists, trying to cheer everyone out of depression. Not working so far.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Hired Only One Company To Produce Vaccines

Shortage of swine flu vaccines continues to plague health offices as nation explains, "We only had 12 months to prepare."

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Mammouth dung key to stink shun

They stunk so bad, they became extinct cause of all the stink and the mama mammoths didn't like the daddy mammoths cause they stink like dung stink. So they shun them exstinkers.

written by Aspartame Boy, 20 November 2009
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Kim Still #1

North Korea's Kim Jong Il still voted world's craziest leader after wearing duck outfit for a week and answering everyone's questions with a loud, "AFLACK!!

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Generic Prozac, It's a Hit!

New generic Prozac just as goody, just as goody goo, and ten times cheaper, peeper deeper deeper dooo. Whaaaaaat's UuuuuPPP!!!

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Not Shy Like The Horse

It has been reported that Prince Charles has been thrown from his horse a short while ago but is OK as he landed on Camilla's big rump. Immediately kept riding.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Always Thought It Was Suspicious

Texas man who brought in a huge sack lunch each day because he said he was a big eater, accused of smuggling in illegal aliens.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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Toga! Toga! Toga!

95-Year-Old Canadian woman becomes oldest to earn masters degree. Finally admits that for the last 31 years, it was for the keg parties.

written by Bureau, 20 November 2009
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NEWSPEAK All Over Again

George Orwell's Big Brother was a civil libertarian when it comes to NEWSPEAK! The United Nations and the Democratic far left wing loons generate the most outrageous mendacious gobbledygook NEWSPEAK.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
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Lack of Carbon Dioxide (CO2)

Economists were puzzled as to how California & New Jersey can go from being prosperous to being debtors, in a few decades. A new scientific study suggests that removing CO2 from the air is the cause.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
Rating:

No Waste

San Francisco is to ban toilets in new construction public office buildings after 2011. The city council felt that politicians residing in this city should use the new green compost containers!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
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Just Trying to be Helpful Ma'am

A new mammogram and women's health study finds that women don't have to do as many physical breast examinations anymore. To which many men's groups have volunteered to pick up the slack!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
Rating:

Item Left Off the Jobs Created Web Page

The City Council of Pizmo Beach Pennsyltucky thanks the Obama Administration for the $1.98 provided in stimulus money. The town was able to create or save 200 jobs!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
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Ethics

A prominent Madison Avenue public relations firm has refused to take on House Speaker Pelosi as a client. A spokesman for the firm said "even company's like ours have some ethical standards!"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
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Animals

Animal rights groups indicate that terrorists, who blow up innocent civilians, should be treated like rabid animals!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
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Listen to your Mummy

Congress told the food police that new signs will be posted in fast food restaurants. The placards are "Egyptian mummies got heart disease 4000 years ago, so don't worry about what you are eating."

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 20 November 2009
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