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Rating:

Selling of Indulgences Returns to the Catholic Church

IRS to determine whether or not puchases of indulgences will count as charitable contributions and become tax deductable.

written by Jalapenoman, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Vatican Says Selling of Indulgences Will Help Financially Struggling Church

Obama Administrations questions whether or not they can charge sales tax.

written by Jalapenoman, 02 November 2009
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Pope Annouces Restoration of Selling Indulgences

Sex with teenage girls will cost $100 dollars for each year under the age of 18.

written by Jalapenoman, 02 November 2009
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Catholic Church Announces Selling of Indulgences In Tough Economy

Persons wishing to have sex with young boys must first allow their priest to try them out to determine "value" of sin.

written by Jalapenoman, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Number Of Centurians Increasing

Poll: There are now 72,000 Americans 100 years old or older & 90% still driving around with left turn signal on.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
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Bridge To Nowhere

Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin says she's actually been on "bridge to nowhere". "Spend several months there as VP candidate to McCain."

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
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Let Them Tire Of Suicide Missions

President Obama considering "Mission: Rope-A-Dope" strategy in Afghanistan, sending less soldiers, more weapons.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Cat Lovers Unite

GSTAAD - The World Cat Lovers' Society has announced the theme for this year's conference - "Small Cats Are Nice." "After all, who doesn't like a little pussy?" said conference chief Thad Porfumo.

written by Geneva Slim, 02 November 2009
Rating:

President Obama Blinded by Cheney Tape

President Obama today went temporarily blind after accidentally viewing the Dick Cheney sex tape in a disguised e-mail. "For God, why didn't someone WARN me?!" said Obama, from behind his Ray-Bans.

written by Geneva Slim, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Tape Puts The Dick In Cheney

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A sex tape involving former Vice-President Dick Cheney has been unearthed. You may sign up at the website www.cheneysex.com if you never, ever, ever, ever wish to see this tape.

written by Geneva Slim, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Not A Good Idea, Elton

While fans everywhere hope Elton John is on his way to recovery and back on tour with Billy Joel, they have been sending messages not to ride with Joel should he come to pick him up from the hospital.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Limbaugh/Neanderthal Does Have A Ring To It!

Rush Limbaugh on his radio show today warned all Bubbleheads and Feminazis to stop calling him a Neanderthal or they'll face a good clubbing.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Existing Home Sales Up

September existing home sales rise by 5.1 percent according to latest figures. However, most polled say they want a home they can live in, not just "exist"!

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
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How Does Your Garden Grow?

When asked how her garden did this year, First Lady Michelle Obama stated, "Great! And why not, with all the bullshit around here?"

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Shriver At It Again

California's First Lady, Maria Shriver, has been photographed driving with her legs out of the side window. Brings in lots of police, cat calls.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Britney Spears Pole dances her way up the charts without her panty's on!

No pain no gain, pantiless Britney wows the world in her latest video, slightly burnt Pussy and thighs after pole-dancing her way to Nr1, "snogging with Madonna was worse" she said!

written by Jaggedone, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Asylum Seekers Head For US

Sri Lankan asylum seekers say they want to flee Oz for Kansas!
Told to click heels three times.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Spice Girl Mel C announces no Spice reunion!

There will be no Spice Girl reunion, Mel C shocks the world and the world breaths a sigh of relief, bombs in Pakistan, Baghdad, aids in Africa war in Afghanistan, we couldn't stand another DISASTER!

written by Jaggedone, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Whistleblowers Gag

Britain's health service pays millions to gag whistleblowers. Umpires are ordered not to place whistles in mouth while running.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Record Meatball

A Concord, NH, a 222.5-pound meatball was authenticated as the world's largest after being weighed by state officials. It was a close call as Hawkeye Pierce called in once for meatball surgery.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Plane Passenger Bolts

Police in Cyprus say a passenger bolted from an airplane after opening a rear exit and sliding down an emergency chute as it prepared for take off. Claims he saw a gremlin on the wing.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Karzai Has Hair-Raising Day

KABUL - In celebration of his election "win," Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai has gotten a toupee. Anyone who refers to it as an "Afghan rug" will be a disgrace to their family and also shot.

written by Geneva Slim, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Kiwis Helping Victims

Kiwi team restores water supply to tsunami victims as birds come to aid where humans don't seem to give a shit. "Birds always give a shit", pecks out Kiwi leader.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Oprah - Onob Affair Exposed

U2 frontman and political activist Bono has changed his name to Onob, so that he and secret lover Oprah can share monogrammed towels during their trysts.
The "B-O" towels just weren't makin' it.

written by Geneva Slim, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Rush Limbaugh says the President is Narcissistic

Said Rush: "It's all about him - never about me".

written by Tcoah, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Fit as a Fiddle but for British Food

Lockerbie Bomber says it was British food that was doing him in, "Now that I am getting decent tucker I am doing really well." Doctors confirm that he wasn't getting enough vitamins.

written by Tcoah, 02 November 2009
Rating:

U.S. Sailor From USS Ramage Who Shot Into Port Town has admitted that he was actually attempting to annex Poland.

No others seem to be involved but one US official with a funny moustache was quoted as saying in a clipped voice "vee vill let you know."

written by Wire Piddle, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Social Services in an absolute alphabet soup.

Arrests over baby GBH today left social services worried about running out of the alphabet.

"We've used baby P, now G, B and H. Soon we'll need to start using numbers and that's just insensitive."

written by DaddyMothership, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Showing His Growing Confidence in Hilary Clinton

Clinton's off to Wales to strengthen the growing divide between snooty 'real Welsh' of North Wales and the 'muggles' of the valleys.

written by Tcoah, 02 November 2009
Rating:

No Word On Bay Bridge Problems

No word on when San Francisco Bay Bridge will reopen, except from drivers and you wouldn't want to hear those.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Romney Denies Critics

Mitt Romney, a possible republican candidate for 2012, is stung by criticism that he only hangs out with WASPS!

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Two Biggest Factors In 2012

Most experts agree that the 2012 US elections may come down to the choice of computer hackers and identity thieves.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Cheney Says There May Have Been Honest Mistakes

Former Vice President Cheney says that prisoners were offered a choice of water boarding or listening to recordings of the Koran. Confesses there "Might" have been a little trouble in translations.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Republicans Object To One-Party Rule

Republicans warn Americans against the country being run by only one party rule. "Look what happened to the country the eight years Bush was in charge", they point out.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Down From 51% Last Year

Only half of the members decide to jump into frigid waters in Bi-Polar Club yearly event!

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Newspapers In Trouble

Chairman Bernanke predicts that economy will improve too slowly for most newspapers. "I expect over 100 newspapers may fold up in 2010."

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Amtrak Looks For Help

Officials of Amtrak propose the setting up of off-track beating.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Undecided Still Undecided

New US political party, "The Undecided" who will sponsor their own candidate in 2012, still not sure whom.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Yankee Stadium Already Cracking

New Yankee Stadium already showing cracks as 200 MPH steroid hit baseballs weaken the fences. Players claim they have to sail flattened ball back into infielders.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Chavez Paranoia Improves

Chavez orders Venezuelan parents to make children stop making up those awful rhymes about me while skipping rope or I'll use it on you. "Just kidding! heehee. Get it, 'kidding'"

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Lockerbie Bomber Reviving

Lockerbie bomber who had 'three months to live', several months ago, now he's well enough to go home. "But he's still a bit peckish", says attorney.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Brits Pay Poles To Stay Home

Taxpayers give £20m benefits to Polish children, even if they have never stepped foot in Britain. Release new motto: "Those paid in Poland, Stay in Poland".

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Favre, Vikings Defeat Packers

Favre shakes off booze as Vikings beat Packers 38-26. I'm sorry, that should be "Favre shakes off boos."

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Flu Vaccine Catching Up

Govt says swine flu vaccine catching up to demand. Should pull even by next fall.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Misfire Embarrassment For China

Father of China's space tech program dies at 98. Ashes launched intended for space end up in burial at sea.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Romney Prods Obama!

Mitt Romney prods Obama to decide Afghan strategy as soon as possible, removed by guards, prod confiscated as evidence.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

"The Swiss Lolita" Would Be First

Polanski lawyer submits new bail offer to Swiss, including the promise of ten new movies to take place there.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

35 Runners Hospitalized This Year

The Medical Center 10K Classic draws thousands despite weather. "We get our money back for sponsoring the event, right after several are hospitalized each year", says hospital spokesperson.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Bass Escapes Jail Again

Man charged with killing 4 in Mayberry model town, Ernest T. Bass, escapes jail once again.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Rich Busy Packing

Health care plan hits rich with big tax increases as most have secured residences in other countries should bill pass.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Karzai Officially Wins Election

Afghan election commission declares Karzai winner as last opponent becomes the second richest man in Afghanistan.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Cheney Can't Recall

Cheney FBI interview: 72 instances of can't recall. "twelth heart attack took my memory there."

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Clinton Reveals Statue

Former President Bill Clinton unveils statue of himself in Kosovo. Pigeon shit an inch deep by the time speech completed.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Thinking Negative Has Positive Results

Thinking negatively can boost your memory, stupid idiotic waste-of-good money study finds.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Big Cruise Ship Heads Out To Sea

World's largest cruise ship, The Kirsty Alley, squeezes under Danish bridge.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Man Claims to Be Allergic to His Wife

A 42-year-old Yorkshire man claims that he he is allergic to is wife. Mr Pete Sillin said that every time he goes near his wife, Penny, he breaks out into a rash.

written by IN SEINE, 02 November 2009
Rating:

UN Airpower

The UN says it lacks sufficient airpower! Balloon Boy's father responds by donating his son's airship in exchange for asylum.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 02 November 2009
Rating:

San Francisco Oil Spill

A ship leaked 400 gallons of fuel oil into SF Bay. Far left Mayor Gavin Newsom asked House Speaker Pelosi to declare an environmental emergency and ban oil and natural gas drilling in the USA.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 02 November 2009
Rating:

A Simple Solution

UN fears transvestites & cross dressers are getting a bad name because Islamic terrorists disguise themselves as women wearing Burkas. The UN orders terrorists to Stencil TERRORIST on their Burkas.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Western Wild Horses to be Moved

The US Department of the Interior wants to move western wild horses (Mustangs) back to the eastern part of the country. Environmentalists objected and have agreed to each take a horse as a house pet.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Socialized Medicine

House Speaker Pelosi visited the USSR prior to its collapse, to investigate their health care system. While in the USSR she had a "Socialized Medicine Implant" procedure performed.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 02 November 2009
Rating:

The Blame Game Goes On

Bishop Tutu blames global warming for all Africa's ills. Perhaps these ills are due to 50 years of constant fighting, continuing corruption, poor farming methods and various conspiracy theories.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Sky News

Merthyr Tydfil: gas mains explosion set off fireworks in local hypermarket, fireworks set off largest open cast mine in Europe, rising smoke causes chaos in heaven.

written by Tcoah, 02 November 2009
Rating:

"No Sex Please - We Are German"

After the conclusion of this years F1 season Britain's Button says he's off to Japan to see his girlfriend. Vettel plans to do some skiing.

written by Tcoah, 02 November 2009
Rating:

BBC's "Breaking News"

Jenson Button utters the "F-word" live on air - BBC was there to capture JB's Arnold moment.

written by Tcoah, 02 November 2009
Rating:

Time Running Out

FBI, CIA search for extreme group that sacrificed virgin Ralph Nader on Mount St. Helens to extend Mayan Calender by 50 years.

written by Bureau, 02 November 2009
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