Spoof news snippets from Thursday 19 November 2009
Stimulus package saves or creates one million jobs, then eliminates them
A government spokesman said last Tuesday "The soaring unemployment rate is proof that the package expanded the number of jobs available for people to be laid off from."
US Gets Revenge
US recalls all money sent to China. Waited until Obama had left. Money apparently has lead in fibers.
Sotomayor Doing Fine
Supreme court member Sotomayor says that being new new kid on the block is going fine. "I'm the one who answers the door if anyone comes in. No one in the first three months. Already used to snoring."
Heavy Drinking Study
New US study completed as doctors determine that heavy drinking 'can double your risk of cancer, vision and fatherhood.'
Putin Pumpin' Iron
Russian photographer & film maker says next macho Putin video will show the former Russian President lifting a 75 pound weight with an erection.
You Can't Sit Down
After veterinarians using stem cells to treat animals allow dog to grow grown it's balls back, wounded Vet volunteers. "With my luck, they'll grow back on my ass", say Army Sarge.
Salmon Back In Paree
Wild salmon are returning to the French capital for the first time since 1940, scientists say. "They still seem to be on the lookout for German Panzer divisions."
He Actually Believes Himself!
Tipper Gore says that her husband, Al, has gone off the deep in and is building an ark on Mount Leconte.
Would Unite Us All!
Officials see rise in militia groups across U.S. Several are asking Sarah Palin to ride naked across the South and West on a horse!
E. Kentucky Couple Celebrate Big Day!
Eastern Kentucky couple, 20, celebrate their second set of twins, seventh anniversary on the same day!
Had It Half Right
Archeologists say they have found proof that ancient man did pull women by hair to cave but that once inside, he made her pull him.
But Still 90% Fat-For-Free!
Burger King Restaurants have announced that due to health concerns, all their pork burgers will be fried in water.
Vicks May Vaporize!
Vick's Vapor Rub say they may go belly-up! "Our sales are down over 50% since the news came out about that former Atlanta Falcon's Quarterback!"
I Feel Your Pain!
In a new bin Laden video, he seems reluctant to attack President Obama. Then in the background, someone spotted Laden's wife coming out of the cave, with her mother!
Russia ban death penalty but re-open Stalags!
Russia humanely banned the death penalty but promised to sent their hardcore criminals to freeze their butts off in the Siberain Stalags, "it's cheaper they say," no electricity needed!
Slimy handed Henry robs the Irish and Platini says "merci beaucoup!"
Crooked Henry and his Les Tricolores shag the Irish so unfairly! God and the world saw it, the bent REf didn't. How crooked is the FIFA/UEFA? tres crooked Les Messieurs Platini et Co!
They ARE Head Butts!
A new study shows that many NFL football players as well as some in other sports are not admitting to suffering concussions, even after acting strange. Hollywood, politicians can't use that excuse.
Cracks In Washington
Cracks in our leaders in Washington are beginning to show as Pelosi loses temper, Reid whining about getting Senate votes and Joe Biden's pants riding down.
Exams In Iran
Iranian doctors say that those working with nuclear energy are doing fine, in a glowing report.
And Now For Tonight's Highlight...
A step too far? Epileptic induces seizures in front of live audience in the name of art, sickens several with terrific bowel movement.
Afghan Troops To Take Charge
Karzai vows Afghan troops will take control of security in five years as he's sworn in for four.
Like On The Hudson In NYC
'Heart-throb' pilot Dominic James hailed a hero after dramatic plane landing in shark-infested waters. Greenpeace says he missed every single precious shark.
The Waiting Game
Oil tankers refuse to unload until prices rise, keeping fuel costs soaring. Hookers, pickpockets also keeping off streets until tourists arrive.
Dollar Stomped On Again
Obama shocked in China after purchasing two gifts for girls using Chinese money, given $10,000 in US dollars as change.
Kate Moss Advise For Sticks
Model Kate Moss has been criticised by campaigners after saying she lives by a slogan which encourages people with anorexia not to eat, even after small window fan on bus blows her to the back.
Star Trek Phasers Here
Scientists have shown off an effect not unlike that of the "phasers" in the show Star Trek - but it only works on tiny worms called nematodes..from the planet, Nematodis.
US Army Blamed
US judge has ruled that negligence by US army engineers led to massive flooding in New Orleans as Hurricane Katrina struck in 2005. "Army should have had soldiers guarding against hurricane invasion."
Rissia's Ban On Death Penalty Continues
Russia's ban on the death penalty will remain when a current legal suspension expires on 1 January, the country's Constitutional Court has ruled. Instead, 100 years of hard labor in Siberia still on.
EU To Select Leader Soon!
European Union leaders will gather in Brussels later to select their first full-time president and foreign affairs high representative. Ringo Starr withdraws Name!
Diva Mariah Carey demands twenty white kittens
She'll have to make do with sandwiches and mineral water like everyone else, says tour manager.
Eating More Beans Won't Help Ecology, Obama!
The Fed is foolishly weakening the dollar say the Underfed, Poor affected most as the price of groceries continue to climb!!!
Depp Sexiest Man
Johnny Depp named People's "sexiest man alive". John Kennedy Jr. still "Sexiest Man Dead".
Michael Jackson In Denial Over drugs
Janet Jackson: Michael in denial over drug problem. Well, not anymore.
Nicole Rickie Hospitalized
Nicole Richie is hospitalized for pneumonia. Kayne takes away bedpan until she listens to him tell about Beyonce video.
Get Off Couch Sometimes
California requires TVs, TV watchers to be more energy-efficient.
Big Bother Is Watching
UN: Fight climate change with free condoms, more oversight to make sure they are properly placed on penis.
I Know Why The Caged Chicken Pecks
Researchers ask: Are caged chickens miserable? No response from chickens so far, although Parrot says they're all "crackers".
Oil Signs Mixed
Price of oil falls below $79, goes above $79 amid mixed economic signs.
Palin Book 2Million Bound!
President advisers embarrassed that Sarah Palin book may pass that of the President, after all the ordered TV news putdowns.
India Investigates Your Traffic Ticket
Chicago terror suspects investigated in India as CIA begins "Outsourcing" investigations also.
Word Of The Year
No rebuke for 'admonish,' 2009 Word of the Year. "Gloom" comes in second. "Doom" finishes a close third.
No Answers Coming
Popular Santa letter program ends in Alaska from lack of elves, laid off because of the economy.
Swine Flu Radical Measures?
Experts say radical measures, like the creation of Swine Flu Colonies, won't stop swine flu!
Czar, She Blows!
Fraud in government contracts for disabled vets as President names new overseers to oversee the overseers.
Mayberry, Hooterville Got $400,000 Each!
Stimulus money to phantom districts? Town of Bugtustle in Tennessee got $500,000 in stimulus money, but that was on TV's Green Acres. Where did the money go?
Floods Cost Feds
Negligence ruling in Katrina floods may cost feds, who will pass it along in to you.
Why do we hate? Academics seek answer in new field as they begin by arguing over who gets what chair.
"I'm Getting Myself In Shape"
Jobless benefits could end for many in January as those laid off ask for another two to three years.
Obama Meets Half brother
Obama says he met with half brother while in China. "They seem to pop up everywhere says the President."
Right To Hang Laundry
U.S. residents fight for the right to hang laundry, let children play in their yard, plants flowers.
Senate Girds For Battle
Senate girds for historic debate on health bill, especially girding themselves with adult diapers for filibuster.
Obama says US, allies discussing Iran sanctions and how they can encourage Israel to blow up nuclear facilities and then condemn them for it.
Karzai Sworn In, At
Karzai sworn in as Afghan leader, vows to fight graft, beginning with himself and his administration.
Bernanke announces top ten new ways to stimulate the economy
The number one way is to outlaw aspartame.
As old as time? Aspartame disease plagued Pharaoh's court
FDA cleared of wrongdoing as they assert that aspartame disease is actually 3700 years old.
Actors of 'Lost' and 'Prisoner' join to perform 'Lost Prisoner' on TV
The female lead wise-quacked, "I want more six".
Chinese warned against keeing US dollars
They were reminded that Federal Reserve notes are all just loans and have no cash metal value. Further, due to problems with Chinese imports, the notes have all been recalled.
IBM cat-computer goes rogue after killing a cat
Not only is the computer smarter than the cat it was tested against, the cat was killed by the cat-computer which then annoucned,
New Sneaky Poll
Latest Poll says 90% of the population say they are sick and tired of being called about their opinions. However, nearly 75% of those called used curse words, which is what we were after.
The Good Burglars
Paedophile jailed after burglars with a conscience tip off police about child abuse pictures on stolen laptop. "Those people are the dregs of society", stated one from his cell.
Stuck A Stupid Spoon In My Mouth
Former VP Cheney says that George Bush went against his requests in the last year of his Presidency. "Plus I had a heart attack in his office and he kept trying to keep me from swallowing my tongue.
OCD Sometimes Only An Excuse
Some obsessions, compulsions not part of OCD say specialists.
Some are the plain old DT's from being an alcoholic who crave a drink and become obsessed about it.
Bipolar Bear Being Studied
Bipolar bear confusing scientists as one minute he's grabbing seal out of water, the next it's cuddling it in it's arms.
Teen Depression Coming
A government-appointed medical panel is urging doctors to routinely screen all American teens for depression. "It's coming within a year. We need to know how they'll handle it."
Best Jogging Speed
For you joggers, the exact speed you need has been calculated:
Exactly twelve feet in front of guy carrying the knife in the park.
No Hard Questions Again
Republicans: Those Chinese students that questioned Obama were his supporters during the last election.
Lots Of Rumbling Underground
Los Alamos Nuclear Weapons storage computers hacked overnight.
"All we know is that that space escalator better work."
Britain To Be Renamed.
As unlikely as it may seem,the inevitable has finally happened. The Muslim influence has got a foothold and now a new name for their new country. "New Arabia" The name will take effect Nov 11th 2011.
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