Order by:
Rating:

Carter Defends Boneheads

Carter defends his handling of Iran hostage crisis. "I knew they'd be perfectly safe in those prisons, even if it was for the rest of their lives."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Who's Your BB Daddy?

Balloon Boy dad asks for special leniency concerning prison. "Balloon Boy Daddy" not the best nickname in there, he claims.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Jobs Saved In Nowhereville

Jobs 'Saved or Created' in congressional districts hat Don't exist. Arizona District doing great, if it existed. People ARE looking to move there and create one.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Sperm Count Down

Sperm count lower in rural areas says new findings. Blame it on the "kissing cousins effect".

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Military Rethinking Missiles

Some unmanned drone missiles starting to be attacked by killer bees, defending their queen.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Rocky VIII Due Out In March

Producers of the new "Rocky VIII" admit that it will be a remake of "Rocky VI", but still doggone Rocky!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

No Original, No Case

Four Junior High School students arrested for alleged sex video let go after police somehow misplace original video. However, they were fined $500 out of $5,000 they had already made from copies sold.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Pretty Obese Now

There's been a recall of Farmer John's Fruits & Nuts of it's Old Time Hog Nuts from their Kentucky headquarters. These Hog nuts could contain sperm that will make your kid look more hog-like than now.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

War Heads Out!

Russia and the US are to reopen negotiations about reducing their nuclear warheads, presidents Dmitry Medvedev and Barack Obama have agreed. So in 2010, over 100 top military leaders will be let go.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Nope, It Wasn't Rape

Ashville, N.C. man charged with rape in car lot at night cleared when a security camera caught the woman actively participating. "But let's see it again, just to be sure", states Head Juror.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Position: Impossible

U. of California At Berkeley student sues school after doing permanent damage to his neck trying to look at legs of female student. "Shouldn't have placed her there."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Frogs Without Legs

Guy ho invented saying "If you will eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen all day" given metal by French for use of frogs without legs.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

From Lohan's Rehab Notes

Psychiatrist informs Lindsay Lohan that she will have to either do her own plumbing or overcome her "Buttcrackphobia"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Misinformed Intelligence Again

New female recruit in meeting after graduating from Military Basics Camp, "But Sir, I thought that sleeping on guard duty penalty was a week of spankings."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Geronimo!!!

Great Great Grandson of Apache Chief Geronimo sues US Air Force, Navy for using his great Great Grandfather's name without consent.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Victims Smother To Death

Rosie O'Donnell signs to star in the remake of "The Yeast From Hollow Mountain".

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

"It Ain't Gonna Happen!"

Secretary Of state Hillary Clinton catches Bill putting flowers on their tombstone on her side once again.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

But No Horse's Head

Those owing the IRS claim that when they didn't pay in time, they received a "free root canal" message from the Bush administration. Most borrowed to pay up.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

A cheap Spoof in the hand is worth 2 in the Pussy Bush

X factor, no fucking no! Jordan/Peter, no fucking no! JO refuses to stoop that low, but Beyonce snogging with Lady GA GA, yes fucking yes, I got horny writing it!

written by Jaggedone, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Bon Jovi Collector Misinterprets 'Slippery When Wet'

Classic Bon Jovi vinyl collector admits years later, that he thought the breakthrough album for the group was based on driving in rainy conditions. He's still a virgin.

written by P.M. Wortham, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Parking Cops Trade Boot for Windshield Laser Imprint

Eliminating the expensive boot altogether, a new process that laser burns the words "PARKING BITCH" across the windshield, is only reversed at the station once fines are paid in full.

written by P.M. Wortham, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Homely Man Agrees to Wear Mask for Life

The personal section is full of hook up requests, including a plea from a homely but fit man looking for a wife. He agrees to wear a mask of Brad Pitt for life to secure the deal.

written by P.M. Wortham, 17 November 2009
Rating:

New Urban Dictionary Changes Coochie to Poochie

Explaining the logic for the change, dictionary author G-Ram Master Flash tells reporters that it looks and smells more like his dog's ass than anything else. "Wash that Poochie"

written by P.M. Wortham, 17 November 2009
Rating:

New York Woman Wants Shingles

Confused over a classified ad, Homer Oozel offers his Herpes Type II body to the New York woman only to find that she needed the "other kind" for her roof.

written by P.M. Wortham, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Detroit Builds 100 MPG Car - Nobody Cares

Following years of painstaking design, engineers have perfected the 100 MPG car, but is so hideous, that consumers would rather take the bus.

written by P.M. Wortham, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Tokyo not Paris is the best place to eat, suicide rate of 5* Chefs has quadrupled!

Tokyo was voted best place to eat on the planet and even the French admitted it, since then Parisian 5* Chefs are either heading for Tokyo, comitting suicide or begging for the guillotine!

written by Jaggedone, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Using Power Binoculars

Russia is planning to create a dedicated military force to help protect its interests in the disputed Arctic region according to Sarah Palin's grandmother watching from the attic.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Titans Owner Bud Adams fined $250,000 for flipping double bird at Buffalo Bills fans

"I wonder how much they'd fine me if they knew how many times I'd flipped off Obama?"

written by Jalapenoman, 17 November 2009
Rating:

International Pong Festival

Havana all set to host Cuba's first ever Pong Game Festival and International Competition. Claim that the air being full of cigar smoke should increase the pong atmosphere!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Males Facing Extinction

Geneticist claims that males face eventual extinction, the last few placed on "milking farms".

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

"But I'm Really Sick!"

Three Junior High students arrested for breaking in and stealing Colorado man's "Medical Marijuana" tell police victim had 50 big plants in greenhouse.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

"I'll Never Touch Another Drop!"

Utah has further relaxed its strict controls on public drinking by announcing the end of restrictions on number of wives to attack once you get home from bar.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

How Many For Lawn Sprinkler?

Al Gore explains how he can have his own private plane. "Every time I go up, I have ten trees planted in Brazil."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Biden After Walton Family

VP Joe Biden at it again. Threatens to fire the whole Walton family over too many WalMarts. "I'll start with John-Boy and make an example of him."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

This Week On BBC Special

Headshrinker carefully approached by BBC reporters and cameramen in New Guinea tell them they are anal, nursed by their mother too long.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

"Bad Boy, Humper!"

Prince Charles' leg attacked by gay dog during BBC interview.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

New Alzheimer's Study

New study indicates that humor can delay the onset of Alzheimer's. Humor can help delay the onset of Alzheimer's Disease, according to study. It was a new study. This was about Alzheimer's, I believe!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Walk Don't Run

Researchers say that when they stated that walking was healthier for you than running, they didn't mean back & forth to refrigerator & back.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Your Late Mom, Dad Loved Us!

Philip Morris cigarettes to change their name to "Little Tobacco Piggies In A Blanket" for some reason.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Could Even Be Oil Down There

US to launch huge missile at the moon to dig deeper for water, give everyone an extra thrill for New Years as missile will launch after "Ball-Drop Time Square Countdown!"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Biden Looking For Pardon

Vice President Biden plans to ask Obaba to pardon him as well as the White House turkey after several "misspeaks" while he is out of the country.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Email Extinction

Email could be 'extinct within a decade' as teens turn to Twitter-style messaging, telepathy, hand gestures.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Jordan searches for lost minge

Jordon storms into jungle to reclaim her minge stolen last week. Suspects are Kim who was showing extremely long underarm hair last night and Jimmy whose wig appears to have a Brazilian look about it

written by auntie_biotic, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Just Old-Fashioned, No Harm Meant

British man removed from transatlantic flight for his 'interfering with flight crew' "Chaps wouldn't stop the plane for a proper tea time."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Brown Launches One

Brown launches last-ditch half-ass attempt to save Tony Blair's bid for EU presidency!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Congress Off To War?

A new poll of congressmen shows that 75% say they would go to help our troops in Afghanistan if younger. Larry Craig would even volunteer for foot patrol.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

How To Woo Woo A Man!

How to woo a man? Show 40 percent of your flesh says new study, of breast implants.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Inflation Up!

Inflation rises for first time in eight months. Study shows increase in both Viagra purchase as well as penis pumps.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Siamese Twin Operation Goes Well

Siamese twin boys doing well after 32-hour operation to separate them as they were born conjoined at the earlobes.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Labour Candidate Apologizes, Rephrases

Labour candidate who described the Queen as 'vermin' and had to apologize says that he meant, "venom". "She has a sharp tongue. That can be a GOOD thing."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

New Book Available

For Sale: "How To Quit Work & Earn Your Living Off Compensation Once The Health Care Bill Passes". $10 each.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Bin Ladin Escapes Once Again

Osama Bin Ladin apparently barely escaped last month when a Pakistani General had one of his men check his forwardig address form.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Viewers Hate Promos!

Regular TV viewers say they are sick of obnoxious pop-up promos. "You're watching a dramatic scene, the tension mounts and then the Road Runner blows up Wiley Coyote down at the bottom of the screen."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Uninsured More Likely To Die

Study: Injured uninsured more likely to die in ER unless family can get a quick bank loan, as medics now sport price tags on uniform tops.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Lower Dose Will Do?

Novartis: lower dose of flu vaccine sufficient. Estimate that it would make vaccine reach more people, only ten percent more deaths.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Obama The Groveler!

Conservative commentators seized on President Obama's deep bow to Japan's Emperor over the weekend, accusing U.S. commander in chief of groveling before a foreign leader, especially the shoe-licking.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Healthcare Costs Scary

AP Poll: Americans fret over health overhaul costs. Fear children, grandchildren doomed to poverty.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Alaskans Eager For Palin Book Release

Alaskans eager for Sarah Palin book release as not all that much to do there in the winter but sex and reading.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Tax The Rich!

AP POLL: Tax the rich to pay for health bill. Another POLL: 90% of rich plan to leave country.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Downtown Awareness Grows

Task force in place to help with downtown awareness, going door to door and telling people, "We have a downtown, are you aware of that?"

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Twilight Sequel Opens

Thousands cheer, bite each other on the neck and applaud the stars of 'Twilight' sequel in Los Angeles.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

"Unfriend" Word Of The Year

"Unfriend" named the word of the year by the New Oxford American Dictionary, chosen from list of finalists with a tech-savvy bent. "Obamacare" finishes #2. Neither anywhere near, "Nucklar" of 2001.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Tobacco Execs Outsmart IRS

AP IMPACT: Tobacco execs quickly find tax loophole by switching from cigarette tobacco to lower taxed pipe tobacco, medical marijuana.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Businesses Against Healthcare Bill

Business foes camp against health care revamp ramp up efforts to damp it's passing.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

More Pirate Attacks

Somali pirates hijack ship, 28 North Korean crew as North Korea warns: "One place we can hit with a missile is the ocean."

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Retiree Caught In Fishing Net

Jellyfish, retirees from Florida, swarm northward in warming world climate.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Sky Lit Up

Strong Leonid Meteor Shower or else massive North Korean missile tests peak early Tuesday morning, lighting up the sky.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Soldier Mom Refuses Deployment

Soldier mom refuses deployment to care for baby. Reminds many older folks of men avoiding draft in 1950's-1960's by quick marriages, pregnancies.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Arerica, China Vow Cooperation

Obama, Hu vow cooperation but produce few deals as Obama escapes with fully functioning kneecaps after US not repaying Chinese loans.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

City Fathers Find New Role for Cardiff's "International Airport"

Parking lot for mothballed airliners

written by Tcoah, 17 November 2009
Rating:

At Cardiff's Joke Airport

We don't need new automated facial recognition technology - passenger numbers are so low we remember their faces!

written by Tcoah, 17 November 2009
Rating:

As Times get tough Pigeon Pie becomes 'Most Popular Dish'

Apartments with balconies feed renters - ideal spot to catch pigeons to make 'Apple Pie".

written by Tcoah, 17 November 2009
Rating:

How many amino-acids do you eat that are special?

The Answer might shock you - tune in for our 'special report' - amino-acids that make you thinner by EATING YOU ALIVE!

written by Tcoah, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Cake Company Drops Slogan

Taliban leader in interview says that he hates everything American, especially Sara Lee. Company changes slogan to "Nobody does it like, Sarah Lee".

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Money for old rope

Recycle your old toupees. Visit www.anyoldrug.com
And for ideas on what to do with your 'syrup' send off for our free newsletter. Write to Toupee a Bag, FREEPOST 123, Dagenham, DG1 2LA, England UK

written by PuddyTwat, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Prisoners To Illinois?

Illinois leaders split on taking Guantánamo detainees at state prison there. "We need the jobs but everyone is uneasy with over 100 Hannibal Lectern's installed here", voiced one.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

"Yes, Master!"

War breakthrough in northern Pakistan as forces there say they have captured Bin Laden's beard flea comber. Too bad that he is insane and eats the fleas.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

"They'll Sleep For Days!"

Al-Qaida and Taliban forces cheered as they hear Yanni has arrived in Iraq, Afghanistan to perform for the American and UN troops.

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Obama Issues Gag Order On VP

VP Joe Biden, while President Obama is in China, told reporters that Obama is still thinking over decision on troops to Afghanistan in what Biden is calling, "Operation: Indecision".

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
Rating:

Dollar Still Lower

The dollar has dropped again until it's "lower than a rattlesnake's belly" according to Fed Chairman Yosemite Sam!

written by Bureau, 17 November 2009
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81
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76
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61
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85
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