Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 17 November 2009
Carter Defends Boneheads
Carter defends his handling of Iran hostage crisis. "I knew they'd be perfectly safe in those prisons, even if it was for the rest of their lives."
Who's Your BB Daddy?
Balloon Boy dad asks for special leniency concerning prison. "Balloon Boy Daddy" not the best nickname in there, he claims.
Jobs Saved In Nowhereville
Jobs 'Saved or Created' in congressional districts hat Don't exist. Arizona District doing great, if it existed. People ARE looking to move there and create one.
Sperm Count Down
Sperm count lower in rural areas says new findings. Blame it on the "kissing cousins effect".
Military Rethinking Missiles
Some unmanned drone missiles starting to be attacked by killer bees, defending their queen.
Rocky VIII Due Out In March
Producers of the new "Rocky VIII" admit that it will be a remake of "Rocky VI", but still doggone Rocky!
No Original, No Case
Four Junior High School students arrested for alleged sex video let go after police somehow misplace original video. However, they were fined $500 out of $5,000 they had already made from copies sold.
Pretty Obese Now
There's been a recall of Farmer John's Fruits & Nuts of it's Old Time Hog Nuts from their Kentucky headquarters. These Hog nuts could contain sperm that will make your kid look more hog-like than now.
War Heads Out!
Russia and the US are to reopen negotiations about reducing their nuclear warheads, presidents Dmitry Medvedev and Barack Obama have agreed. So in 2010, over 100 top military leaders will be let go.
Nope, It Wasn't Rape
Ashville, N.C. man charged with rape in car lot at night cleared when a security camera caught the woman actively participating. "But let's see it again, just to be sure", states Head Juror.
U. of California At Berkeley student sues school after doing permanent damage to his neck trying to look at legs of female student. "Shouldn't have placed her there."
Frogs Without Legs
Guy ho invented saying "If you will eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen all day" given metal by French for use of frogs without legs.
From Lohan's Rehab Notes
Psychiatrist informs Lindsay Lohan that she will have to either do her own plumbing or overcome her "Buttcrackphobia"
Misinformed Intelligence Again
New female recruit in meeting after graduating from Military Basics Camp, "But Sir, I thought that sleeping on guard duty penalty was a week of spankings."
Great Great Grandson of Apache Chief Geronimo sues US Air Force, Navy for using his great Great Grandfather's name without consent.
Victims Smother To Death
Rosie O'Donnell signs to star in the remake of "The Yeast From Hollow Mountain".
"It Ain't Gonna Happen!"
Secretary Of state Hillary Clinton catches Bill putting flowers on their tombstone on her side once again.
But No Horse's Head
Those owing the IRS claim that when they didn't pay in time, they received a "free root canal" message from the Bush administration. Most borrowed to pay up.
A cheap Spoof in the hand is worth 2 in the Pussy Bush
X factor, no fucking no! Jordan/Peter, no fucking no! JO refuses to stoop that low, but Beyonce snogging with Lady GA GA, yes fucking yes, I got horny writing it!
Bon Jovi Collector Misinterprets 'Slippery When Wet'
Classic Bon Jovi vinyl collector admits years later, that he thought the breakthrough album for the group was based on driving in rainy conditions. He's still a virgin.
Parking Cops Trade Boot for Windshield Laser Imprint
Eliminating the expensive boot altogether, a new process that laser burns the words "PARKING BITCH" across the windshield, is only reversed at the station once fines are paid in full.
Homely Man Agrees to Wear Mask for Life
The personal section is full of hook up requests, including a plea from a homely but fit man looking for a wife. He agrees to wear a mask of Brad Pitt for life to secure the deal.
New Urban Dictionary Changes Coochie to Poochie
Explaining the logic for the change, dictionary author G-Ram Master Flash tells reporters that it looks and smells more like his dog's ass than anything else. "Wash that Poochie"
New York Woman Wants Shingles
Confused over a classified ad, Homer Oozel offers his Herpes Type II body to the New York woman only to find that she needed the "other kind" for her roof.
Detroit Builds 100 MPG Car - Nobody Cares
Following years of painstaking design, engineers have perfected the 100 MPG car, but is so hideous, that consumers would rather take the bus.
Tokyo not Paris is the best place to eat, suicide rate of 5* Chefs has quadrupled!
Tokyo was voted best place to eat on the planet and even the French admitted it, since then Parisian 5* Chefs are either heading for Tokyo, comitting suicide or begging for the guillotine!
Using Power Binoculars
Russia is planning to create a dedicated military force to help protect its interests in the disputed Arctic region according to Sarah Palin's grandmother watching from the attic.
Titans Owner Bud Adams fined $250,000 for flipping double bird at Buffalo Bills fans
"I wonder how much they'd fine me if they knew how many times I'd flipped off Obama?"
International Pong Festival
Havana all set to host Cuba's first ever Pong Game Festival and International Competition. Claim that the air being full of cigar smoke should increase the pong atmosphere!
Males Facing Extinction
Geneticist claims that males face eventual extinction, the last few placed on "milking farms".
"But I'm Really Sick!"
Three Junior High students arrested for breaking in and stealing Colorado man's "Medical Marijuana" tell police victim had 50 big plants in greenhouse.
"I'll Never Touch Another Drop!"
Utah has further relaxed its strict controls on public drinking by announcing the end of restrictions on number of wives to attack once you get home from bar.
How Many For Lawn Sprinkler?
Al Gore explains how he can have his own private plane. "Every time I go up, I have ten trees planted in Brazil."
Biden After Walton Family
VP Joe Biden at it again. Threatens to fire the whole Walton family over too many WalMarts. "I'll start with John-Boy and make an example of him."
This Week On BBC Special
Headshrinker carefully approached by BBC reporters and cameramen in New Guinea tell them they are anal, nursed by their mother too long.
"Bad Boy, Humper!"
Prince Charles' leg attacked by gay dog during BBC interview.
New Alzheimer's Study
New study indicates that humor can delay the onset of Alzheimer's. Humor can help delay the onset of Alzheimer's Disease, according to study. It was a new study. This was about Alzheimer's, I believe!
Walk Don't Run
Researchers say that when they stated that walking was healthier for you than running, they didn't mean back & forth to refrigerator & back.
Your Late Mom, Dad Loved Us!
Philip Morris cigarettes to change their name to "Little Tobacco Piggies In A Blanket" for some reason.
Could Even Be Oil Down There
US to launch huge missile at the moon to dig deeper for water, give everyone an extra thrill for New Years as missile will launch after "Ball-Drop Time Square Countdown!"
Biden Looking For Pardon
Vice President Biden plans to ask Obaba to pardon him as well as the White House turkey after several "misspeaks" while he is out of the country.
Email could be 'extinct within a decade' as teens turn to Twitter-style messaging, telepathy, hand gestures.
Jordan searches for lost minge
Jordon storms into jungle to reclaim her minge stolen last week. Suspects are Kim who was showing extremely long underarm hair last night and Jimmy whose wig appears to have a Brazilian look about it
Just Old-Fashioned, No Harm Meant
British man removed from transatlantic flight for his 'interfering with flight crew' "Chaps wouldn't stop the plane for a proper tea time."
Brown Launches One
Brown launches last-ditch half-ass attempt to save Tony Blair's bid for EU presidency!
Congress Off To War?
A new poll of congressmen shows that 75% say they would go to help our troops in Afghanistan if younger. Larry Craig would even volunteer for foot patrol.
How To Woo Woo A Man!
How to woo a man? Show 40 percent of your flesh says new study, of breast implants.
Inflation rises for first time in eight months. Study shows increase in both Viagra purchase as well as penis pumps.
Siamese Twin Operation Goes Well
Siamese twin boys doing well after 32-hour operation to separate them as they were born conjoined at the earlobes.
Labour Candidate Apologizes, Rephrases
Labour candidate who described the Queen as 'vermin' and had to apologize says that he meant, "venom". "She has a sharp tongue. That can be a GOOD thing."
New Book Available
For Sale: "How To Quit Work & Earn Your Living Off Compensation Once The Health Care Bill Passes". $10 each.
Bin Ladin Escapes Once Again
Osama Bin Ladin apparently barely escaped last month when a Pakistani General had one of his men check his forwardig address form.
Viewers Hate Promos!
Regular TV viewers say they are sick of obnoxious pop-up promos. "You're watching a dramatic scene, the tension mounts and then the Road Runner blows up Wiley Coyote down at the bottom of the screen."
Uninsured More Likely To Die
Study: Injured uninsured more likely to die in ER unless family can get a quick bank loan, as medics now sport price tags on uniform tops.
Lower Dose Will Do?
Novartis: lower dose of flu vaccine sufficient. Estimate that it would make vaccine reach more people, only ten percent more deaths.
Obama The Groveler!
Conservative commentators seized on President Obama's deep bow to Japan's Emperor over the weekend, accusing U.S. commander in chief of groveling before a foreign leader, especially the shoe-licking.
Healthcare Costs Scary
AP Poll: Americans fret over health overhaul costs. Fear children, grandchildren doomed to poverty.
Alaskans Eager For Palin Book Release
Alaskans eager for Sarah Palin book release as not all that much to do there in the winter but sex and reading.
Tax The Rich!
AP POLL: Tax the rich to pay for health bill. Another POLL: 90% of rich plan to leave country.
Downtown Awareness Grows
Task force in place to help with downtown awareness, going door to door and telling people, "We have a downtown, are you aware of that?"
Twilight Sequel Opens
Thousands cheer, bite each other on the neck and applaud the stars of 'Twilight' sequel in Los Angeles.
"Unfriend" Word Of The Year
"Unfriend" named the word of the year by the New Oxford American Dictionary, chosen from list of finalists with a tech-savvy bent. "Obamacare" finishes #2. Neither anywhere near, "Nucklar" of 2001.
Tobacco Execs Outsmart IRS
AP IMPACT: Tobacco execs quickly find tax loophole by switching from cigarette tobacco to lower taxed pipe tobacco, medical marijuana.
Businesses Against Healthcare Bill
Business foes camp against health care revamp ramp up efforts to damp it's passing.
More Pirate Attacks
Somali pirates hijack ship, 28 North Korean crew as North Korea warns: "One place we can hit with a missile is the ocean."
Retiree Caught In Fishing Net
Jellyfish, retirees from Florida, swarm northward in warming world climate.
Sky Lit Up
Strong Leonid Meteor Shower or else massive North Korean missile tests peak early Tuesday morning, lighting up the sky.
Soldier Mom Refuses Deployment
Soldier mom refuses deployment to care for baby. Reminds many older folks of men avoiding draft in 1950's-1960's by quick marriages, pregnancies.
Arerica, China Vow Cooperation
Obama, Hu vow cooperation but produce few deals as Obama escapes with fully functioning kneecaps after US not repaying Chinese loans.
City Fathers Find New Role for Cardiff's "International Airport"
Parking lot for mothballed airliners
At Cardiff's Joke Airport
We don't need new automated facial recognition technology - passenger numbers are so low we remember their faces!
As Times get tough Pigeon Pie becomes 'Most Popular Dish'
Apartments with balconies feed renters - ideal spot to catch pigeons to make 'Apple Pie".
How many amino-acids do you eat that are special?
The Answer might shock you - tune in for our 'special report' - amino-acids that make you thinner by EATING YOU ALIVE!
Cake Company Drops Slogan
Taliban leader in interview says that he hates everything American, especially Sara Lee. Company changes slogan to "Nobody does it like, Sarah Lee".
Money for old rope
Recycle your old toupees. Visit www.anyoldrug.com
And for ideas on what to do with your 'syrup' send off for our free newsletter. Write to Toupee a Bag, FREEPOST 123, Dagenham, DG1 2LA, England UK
Prisoners To Illinois?
Illinois leaders split on taking Guantánamo detainees at state prison there. "We need the jobs but everyone is uneasy with over 100 Hannibal Lectern's installed here", voiced one.
War breakthrough in northern Pakistan as forces there say they have captured Bin Laden's beard flea comber. Too bad that he is insane and eats the fleas.
"They'll Sleep For Days!"
Al-Qaida and Taliban forces cheered as they hear Yanni has arrived in Iraq, Afghanistan to perform for the American and UN troops.
Obama Issues Gag Order On VP
VP Joe Biden, while President Obama is in China, told reporters that Obama is still thinking over decision on troops to Afghanistan in what Biden is calling, "Operation: Indecision".
Dollar Still Lower
The dollar has dropped again until it's "lower than a rattlesnake's belly" according to Fed Chairman Yosemite Sam!
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