Spoof news snippets from Monday 16 November 2009
FT hood suspect paralyzed
The government is not concerned about Maj Hasan contacting wheelchair manufactures and asking about gun turret modifications. They say this does not prove he is a terrorist,only creative.
Braking Records Fast
Man who left North Carolina in a helium ballooned lawn chair first to cross the Atlantic, English Channel, Russia. Plane reports only skeleton and nesting buzzard in chair.
Dead Sea Drying Up
Reporter at Dead Sea says it is drying up. "Today I stand right here by the Sea where this time last year...now where's it gone to?"
Family Rushed Away
Riot police form ring around building where Obama is meeting with Chinese leader after baby drops bottle on sidewalk.
"Aye, Ye No Whut Thot Be, Captain?"
Captain of Carnival Cruise says he hates seeing people seasick! "Especially young brides on their honeymoon. I stepped in some and finally threw my shoes overboard."
"Well, Bush On A Segway! Is That Right?"
Somehow "Bush On A Segway" has became a part of Washington DC politician's curses.
Iceland Moves Two Inches
Most sea ice in the Arctic could be gone in 30 years, sooner than most thought. Iceland beginning to bob a bit.
Not All Bad News
North Korea blaming missile launch failures on air over buried cabbage. However, say they are looking into burying cabbage around perimeters of country to bring down rockets launched AT them.
NKorea Draws Line In The Ocean
Tenth straight North Korean missile lands harmlessly in ocean, short of target General: "If they attack from that part of ocean, we very well prepared."
Obama, U.S., President in China
Obama remarked, I am happy to be in the ancient home of the "Great Wall", the "Compass" and "Shrimp fried Rice".
New Fad Diet?
New popular diet, "Eating In Moderation" criticized by radical infomercial experts, their audiences.
Traffic Injuries Up
Rise in 2009 of number of people injured in traffic accidents up for the first time in ten years. Officials think it is due to people having to live in their cars, trailer hookups.
UN Suspects More Nuclear Sites
U.N. suspects Iran concealing more nuclear sites as scientists in different parts of the country glow after dark, as seen from satellites.
People Are Superstitious
This year's worst amusement ride at Disney World? "It's A Small, Small World When The Swine Flu Strikes!"
Nimoy Picks On Shatner
Leonard Nimoy entertains Star Trek crowd at convention. "I have more old man hair in my ears than William Shatner has under that rug."
RIP Robert Ernke, all football fans hearts go out to you and your family!
All Spoof soccer fans, please join Jaggedone in offering our sad regrets at Robert's tragic death and our thoughts go out to his wife and family.
RIP Robert, the football world will not forget you
Another Peac Talks Holdup!
Hillary aide at Mideast Peace Talks states that one holdup of over 157 is that in exchange for the West Bank, the Palestinians must take Simon Cowell.
The John Glenn Diary
From the John Glenn Diary: "In space no one can hear you fart, but at my age, they always blamed me...for two days it circled and I could no longer even stand it myself."
New Gitmo in Rural Illinois - Cause For Concern?
Thomson, IL, USA - Townsfolk and politicians need not worry of Al-Qaeda backlash if Guantanamo prisoners are brought to the empty prison in Thomson. Even Al-Qaeda wouldn't visit such a shithole.
Number of your friends who've had relations with a turkey carcass: 16. Number of friends arrested for it: 2. Number of friends at your Thanksgiving table: 14. I'd keep an eye on the Tom.
A Natural Match
In San Francisco yesterday, Jerry Matthews, "The Beaver" and Clarence "Lumpy" Rutherford have announced their marriage.
Tis The Season
A poll of doctors concludes that the swine flu is the #2 reported problem during football season, second to HCA syndrome or "Huge Couch Ass".
New Movies So-So!
Not a good weekend for most new movies as "The Grinch That Stole Hanukkah" draws lowest number of viewers, while the low-budget "Precious" does pretty well.
New "60 Minutes" Contract Signed
The "60 Minutes" show on CBS signs another five year contract with Ajax Stool Softeners, "The Choice of 95% of Senior News Analysts".
Getting His Exercise
Giant ape found on remote island and brought to California & still running the state as Governor, seen climbing US Bank Tower in Los Angeles.
Tipper Gore Has Had Enough
Tipper Gore says marriage could become shaky if Al doesn't get off the climate change subject and quit mumbling about boxes of old 1999 Florida ballots sent to him in the mail.
Doctors Study Obesity
New group of graduating medical students having to study obesity will be required to take an Hippopotamus Oath.
Water discovered on the moon reveals evidence that there were once whales there.
If you are Worried About Your Boss
Think of the poor truck driver impaled by a pole, "Hey Boss, I'm in a spot of bother" - Quote from the Daily Mail, Nov 16, 2009.
Scotland sack their manager and insist the new manager must be red haired and wear a kilt!
Scotland have sacked their manager Burley and now insist that the new one must be RED HAIRED AND WEAR A KILT, 5 STAR CHEF, GORDON RAMSEY HAS BEEN CONTACTED!
Papa's Got a Brand New Bag... of Germs!
THE INSTITUTE, GSTAAD - Scienticians have found that all humans, even the cute ones, are just giant bags of communicable germs and bacteria. Think about THAT the next time you play tonsil hockey!
Howie Mandel, RIP
Howie Mandel has been killed by a germ, which pretty much was his worst fear. Had he grunged it up like the rest of us and developed an immune system, he'd still be alive. And Howard Hughes, too.
Home Seat Advantage
Experts agree; 9 out of 10 of us have fallen asleep on the toilet. Which pleases plumbers no-end, as the fee to unweld an ass from a toit seat is steep. Owie owie ow!
US announce a 2009 "BLACK Santa" KKK start a national riot!
It's official, 2009 will present it's first all BLACK Santa, the KKK, Aryan Brotherhood start riots, burning crosses, swastika tatooes and white hoods are the Christmas rage you just must have!!
Don't Meet Here Ever Again!
Washington DC traffic at a standstill while members of Narcoleptic Group meeting there hauled off city streets, sidewalks and parks.
Highbrows Say Surgery Overdone
Several highbrows in Hollywood call for less cosmetic surgery in the future.
Now It's Biological Warfare
A moderate muslim terrorist group takes credit for recent attack on troops by shoes, fungus coated socks.
Streisand New Czar
Barbra Streisand beats out several others by a nose, as she's named Entertainment Czar by President.
Welcome Back Kotter..Kotter?
Several "Sweat Hogs" die of dehydration at New York high school due to global warming.
Obama Apparently Nutty As Fruit Cake
Joe Biden: We may HAVE to send more troops. No one in their right mind wants a war in Afghanistan, and neither does President Obama!"
She's Probably Right
Make up and clothes don't make girls into bimbos, claims headmistress. "They're more of a bimbo without them."
Preacher Gets New Taps
Hate preacher Abu Hamza gets new £650 taps fitted in his prison cell, so he can operate them with his hook, spill on his wooden peg.
What Mom Wants To Be Average?
The average mother relies on just nine different meals to feed her family, a study has found. Ten, if you count the Colonel's secret KFC recipe.
Royal Ass-Kicking Fun
Labour candidate who described the Queen as 'vermin' and a 'parasite who milks the country' is forced to apologise, have his ass kicked all over Buckingham Palace.
Debenhams joins High Street price war by launching four-day sale, free turkey dinner, six weeks before Christmas.
Petrol Prices Pumped Up!
Petrol 'to hit £5 a gallon' as motorists face record fuel bills at the pumps this Christmas. This year's predicted top gift? Petrol!
Didn't Get Off So Easy After All
Mother who left her four under-five children home alone to go on a 24-hour drink and drugs binge walks FREE, right off the car parking building.
Florida Man Makes Discovery
Republican man in Newport News, Florida discovers "$4,000 for Pelosi "whip and outfit" in new health care bill proposal. "It's on bottom page 10,094 with an asterisk."
Unless It Comes With Dolly's Big Taters
"PeeWee Herman's Cocktail Weiners" taken off the menu at The Hollywood Favorites Restaurant at Dollywood.
Plastics Study Released
Chemicals in plastics alter the brains of baby boys making them "more feminine", say US researchers, after study of why balls falling off.
Finally Putting Humans First
The new head of Greenpeace, South African Kumi Naidoo, has told the BBC he will make human life more of a priority for the environmental group. "Terrorism is now placing humans on endangered list!"
Russia Delays Iran Nuclear Power Station
Russia has said a nuclear power station it has been building at Bushehr in southern Iran will not be completed by the end of this year as planned, causing Ahmadinejad's head to spin once again.
We're In A Depression, Alright
Joblessness, Divorces, Loss of homes Fairs being held across the US and Europe. Motivation Speeches, free alcohol helping many.
Warhol Painting Brings $43.7M
Andy Warhol's "200 One Dollar Bills" sold for $43.7 Million to unnamed called in bidder. "Shows that our greenbacks are recovering", says Fed Chairman, Bernanke.
Classifieds - Polo
For sale, Volkswagon Polo, 05 reg, one careful owner, £1200. In mint condition.
Bigger Than Titanic?
World's biggest cruise ship, "The Oasis Of The Seas", finally arrives it two Florida ports!
Classifieds - Satellite dish
Satellite dish for sale, £30 ono. Highly collectible, 12 inches across, depicts Sputnik. The accompanying mug was broken in 1968.
Mexico Has Big Plans
Mexico plans big Gulf tourism center near Texas featuring lower cost grocery products, medications, pure sugar Coca Cola and hookers.
Classifieds - hole
I am pricing this 6'x12' hole for a quick sale at £20 because it is in an awkward place right outside my garden gate. Buyer collects.
Classifieds - home cinema
For sale, home cinema system, any reasonable offer accepted because the queue for my bathroom has reached twenty people now. And there's no popcorn left in my cupboard.
Effects Of Flu Vaccine Delays
With the number of vaccines delayed, over the counter meds for Swine Flu are Flying off the shelves.
Great Screaming Cox!
Courteney Cox ready to shriek again in 'Scream 4' after intense study of Fay Wray in original King Kong.
Always Worked Before
Feds ignored Medicare scam warnings for years of hearing, "I've got a bone in my leg, my elbows are halfway up my arm and my bare face is hanging out."
Jellyfish Raiding Northern Waters
Jellyfish swarm northward in warming world as several seen in the Antarctic, pulling penquins into the water.
Summit Gives In, Gives Deadline
Summit urged to set climate accord deadline finally agrees. "We'll all be dead by the year 2100."
Lowe's Sees Signs
Lowe's 3Q profit falls but co. sees signs for hope, including "Men At Work" and "Must Wear Hard Hat To Be In This Area!"
GM To Begin Repaying Debt
AP Source: GM to begin repaying aid by year-end. The first dollar will be framed and placed on the wall.
Afhhans Accused Of Corruption
Afghan government launched anti-corruption squad accused of corruption.
Kenyans Being Recruited
AP IMPACT: Kenyans recruited to fight in Somalia. President Obama told to report to draft board.
Palin Book Checked Closely For Facts
Palin's book goes rogue on some facts. For instance, Barack Obama really was born in the US, most think.
Gotta Learn The Lingo!
CREP aids family farms! CRAP helps family farms to grow more healthy and larger CROP.
Latest Report From NASA
NASA fuels space shuttle Atlantis for liftoff. "Always best to do this first", say officials. "Makes it move, you know."
Native Americans Claim "Strawberry" Racism
Arrest at Walmart, naming candy chocolate, vanilla leads to charges of racism.
Five Lessons For Obama From China
Five Things the U.S. Can Learn from China: #1. Having money owed to you is better than you owing money to everyone else.
Sex Infections Not Cured Yet
Sex infections still growing in U.S., says 75-pound CDC spokesman, while scratching himself.
Obama's Wise Word To Fledgling China
Obama to China: Uncensored society is healthy. China needs to open up some casinos, show some dirty movies, lighten up!
Metal Playing Monk Retires From Limelight
Italy's heavy metal playing monk says he's retiring from the limelight, spending the rest of his days in a Heavy Metal monastery.
Watch The Fine Print
AP Poll: Fine print in health care prompts worries. Like people 70 & older being set adrift on air mattresses into the Pacific Ocean.
GM Learning To Spin Truth
GM reports $1.2B 3Q loss, says it shows progress. Shows that since government takeover, it has learned to spin the truth as well as most political parties.
Classifieds - dicshonary:
Four sail won dickshonary. Apears too bee ful off speling misstakes, ence £1.
2012 bombs at the cinema
New disaster movie 2012 has bombed at cinemas following its release this weekend. "I thought it came out in three years time," said one ignoramus.
Britney Flees Australia
Britney & Her Traveling Hooha Show have left Australia after a good portion of her audience left because she was lip-syncing her songs. Should have known I'd have trouble 'Down Under', she stated.
Judgement Day Coming
Is it more than just a coincidence that on the Mayan calendar's last day happens to correspond exactly to the day that thousands of laid off postal employees draw their last unemployment check?
Another Peace Prize?
President Obama says that in his talks with Medvedev they have decided to discuss with the other nuclear power countries on cutting their weapons from enough to destroy the earth from 100 times to 10.
Jedward - They're Good
Big question remains unanswered.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!