Spoof news snippets from Saturday 14 November 2009
China hits US with pipes!
In a strange combination of protectionism, communism, and karate, the Chinese will hit the US with pipes. More at 7.
Obama to address unemployment with job tax
Work will the new bad, as it will be taxed and discouraged. Details in follow up report.
Scientists create strange particle - reality changes
Strange property of particles is spreading in entire Earth. History is changing. This was already reported prior to it happening here on TheSpoof.com.
Michael Jackson clones growing up in South America
They are up to no good there and further reports indicate American will soon live in fear of them.
NSA creates decoding algorithm that works on any message
The only problem is, it works even more purely random number sequences.
Scheme 'can cut extra emissions' - with explosives
You just blow up the equipment that is causing the emissions.
Obamba to rename war department 'Honor Killing' department
This is expected to increase tolerance in the military for all belief systems.
Pay cuts could drive out talent from bailed out too big to fails
The concern is that if they change companies, these bad executives could spread the cancer of toxic assets.
"Looks Like He's Ejaculated!"
Student at George Washington University found passed out on floor after coming into dorm from class and finding a case of beer, a box of cheetos and a package of Doctor Fongs Hangover Powders.
Obama to retire this year taking job as 'world"s most interesting man'
The pay is bettor, and he gets a gaggle of ladies to fawn over him while he drinks beer on TV.
US trade gap shockingly large in Semptember
Reason found by M.I.T. scientists: defective product returns increased.
Sugar water drinks targeted by FDA
Since aspartame is the most tested sweetener, and sugar has no test data from industry, sugar water drinks will be banned in favor of the well tested aspartame drinks.
Prison health-care costs rise as prison doctors grow older and sicker
To save costs, inmates are being trained to be doctors. But too many want to be proctologists.
Russian human-kebab diner gets complaints of 'bad meat'
But now the demand for human flesh pickled with aspartame is growing on the Russian front. Bums beware!
Talk Show Teams
Rush Limbaugh turned away from purchasing a football team but Sean Hannity is now after the Baltimore Ravin' Maniacs.
President Orders Investigation
President calls for investigation into organized crime into sports as 100 meter race has piano wire across the finish line.
Vick Having Problems
Michael Vick says he's having a hard time returning to football as it's very hard to run with police ankle bracelets.
Playboy Viewership Up
Playboy Magazine says it's readership is up 10% this year, jumping from 500,000 to 550,000. Editor credits removing all written articles, shrinking cartoons.
"Thrown Shoes Don't Baoher Me"
President Bush says it never bothered him when Iraqi threw his shoes. "I was gelin', myself" says ex-president.
Hacking Power Grid
U.S. government say they fear that spies have already hacked into our power grid as TV sets all showing Gilligan's Island for the last twelve hours. TV sets running around the room.
On $200,000 Home, $125 per month.
Fed Chairman recommends that American homeowners to refinance homes, perhaps over a 200-year, five generation period, while rates are really low. "But be sure house will last."
Wouldn't Take Much
The captain of a US ship taken hostage by Somali pirates has been freed by the US navy. How can hijacks be prevented? "One little airplane drop" say former Sec Of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld
Early Santa in mall hit by lady with umbrella at a North Carolina mall and told to go take his 'Ho Ho Ho! back to his seat before she opened the umbrella up his ass.
Legal Pot In California
Labels on new legal medical marihuana in California say "side effects include staring at your hands and giggling for hours."
Bush Family Cleared Out
When asked if the Bush family had left anything behind when they left the White House, as several were left & missing after the Clintons, President Obama
stated, "No, just a bunch of skeletons."
Hillary A Little Tired
When asked about any news of peace in the Mideast, a tired Secretary of State Clinton stated, "No cahnce in He..I mean, we're still in the discussion phase."
Alien Threat False
Police in Little Rock, Arkansas say "Alien Threat" over as they found guy sleep-walking with unplugged CPAP for breathing right while asleep.
President Obama nominated for Environmental Award after cutting sky pollution by 50%, after factories close.
US Government Uneasy
U.S. Government uneasy as FBI reports that American Patriots are digging cleverly concealed spider holes everywhere.
Check My Hideout If You Want!
Patriot group against Obama & Liberal Congress say they have no idea where all those stolen U.S. Patriot Missiles went.
Libs At It Again
President Obama, Nancy Pelosi move to make handgun machines illegal at Texas motels, schools.
The Extra Testicle
Man arrested in Virginia bookstore Sci-Fi section escorted out by police officer still yelling, "I tell you, having three balls DOES mean I am an alien. Won't you people even look?"
That's Our "Poogie"
Whole town of Friendstown, Tennessee turns out to welcome hometown star Diane "Poogie" Hatfield after her appearance on nationwide television being arrested for making and selling meth.
Obama's Due Vacation
Barack & Michelle Obama plan vacation soon where they can relax and spend a few days just enjoying thinking about the health care bill.
Middle Class Desperate To Sell Homes, Trading
Record number of middle classes desperate to sell homes are now making large scale trades for houseboats. "At least here, we can more easily float a loan", stated one family.
No Early Birds For McCain
Senator John McCain denies that he often takes advantage of early bird specials. "I usually stick with fish and an occasional chopped steak."
President Obama was asked today by a reporter why he walked around with his nose in the air. "So I can see anyone throwing shoes!" which brought tremendous laughter & nomination for Comedy Award.
Viking Line Holding, Themselves
Brett Favre: "The whole offensive line here in Minnesota are doing a lot better since we had them castrated."
"You Were All Over The Road"
Convertible drivers say they are getting high off the fumes of cars that run on gasohol. Fined anyway.
Nixon, Johnson Were Right
Many Vietnamese have taken up American games from troops that were there over ten years. So Johnson & Nixon were right about the "Domino Effect" after all.
A major US company has fired computer hackers who were supposed to hack business rivals but hacked their own company computers & sold info to competitors.
NW Airlines Shows Profit, Ingenuity
Northwest Airlines report a good profit in the third quarter for a change as new curtained off "Join The Mile High Club" a big hit on airplanes.
Officer Makes Discovery
Policeman calls in after watching men going in and out of trailer all day long in Dexter, Alabama. "I was by a vent, chief, and something smelled fishy about the hole thing."
Officials Say Something Went Wrong
Three people died at a Kissimmee, Florida Amusement Park Friday when something went "reeeeechhh, Bom! Chukka chukka, reeeeeeech! Boom!" throwing them from their seat.
No Joyriding In Park
Joyrider told to stop while in the woods at Yosemite Park. Rangers tell them, "Sir, you and Joy will have to go back to your motel room, although it is invigorating out here, isn't it?
West: Sounds Kinda Camp To Me
Actor Adam West stated yesterday that he would not appear in any of the Twilight series unless he got to drive the Batmobile, even if they ask. And, No, he hasn't seen or read the series.
Freud's Widow Speaks Out
The widow of Sigmund Freud's grandson, Sir Clement Freud says that her husband's death had nothing to do with sex.
Congo Wants Obama Also
The nation of Kenya has told President Obama that when he finishes his term as President of the US, he can come there and be their president. The Congo complains about undue influence of 125 cousins.
Old Diets Return
Once popular diets making a return as people return to diet candies and tapeworms in desperate fight against obesity.
What Was I Thinking? What Was I Drinking?
A Chicago woman was hospitalized with a tattoo mustache & chin whiskers on her face she received while drunk and tried to remove them with sandpaper after she got home.
Health Timebomb Explodes
Health timebomb hits baby boomers: Over-60s suffer more illnesses caused by bad diet, bad diet advice!
Worst Wind We've Seen
Worst storm of the year batters Britain with 80mph gales, stubborn really dense fog.
Brits Accused Of Spotted Dick Boarding
Was there a British Abu Ghraib? Some UK soldiers accused of torturing Iraqi civilians, forcing them to eat Spotted Dick.
"But I'm Crazy, You See"
'Disabled' civil servant who claimed £33,000 benefits is exposed as golf champion, third place winner in Boston Marathon, chosen for 2012 Olympic Games.
We Can Eat More
'You can eat an extra cheeseburger a day without gaining weight', say diet experts. "Of course, we were wrong 20 years ago & could be now."
Cambodian garden centre ordered to remove it's new range of 'Pol' pot plants.
Halifax Customers Having Problems
Bank bitch hits Halifax customers! I'm sorry, bank HITCH hits Halifax customers.
Two men died when the car they were traveling in hit a wall. Investigation underway over why the were in dummy test car.
Business magnate attracts government top brass.
Storms In Britain
High winds forecast as storms hit Britons. Also, could be some rain, thunder & lighting.
Debate Battleground May Not Be Safe
The Doha Debates are a unique venture in the Arab world, providing a battleground for conflicting opinions and suicide bomber attacks.
BT's profits soar as E.T continues to reverse the charges.
Funeral For Venice
The mock funeral for Venice's 'death' thi weekend has been called off due to flooded downtown area.
Turkey Could Store Uranium
Officials: Turkey 'could store Iran uranium'. Consumers advised to get "everything" out of turkey before baking.
Calorie counts used as the foundation for diet plans and healthy-eating guidance for the past 18 years may be wrong, a tremendously obese reporter suggests.
Cow Dung Power!
Cow dung to power more Dutch homes. "It has lowered the shit out of our energy bills", states one home owner.
New Italian Arts Museum
Italy opens new contemporary arts museum as new paintings in and out in a day.
Strippers-on-a-truck promotion being halted in Las Vegas. Authorities call it, "Too Racy".
FDA Condemns Alcoholic Caffeine Drinks
FDA questions safety of alcoholic energy drinks. "All we need are drunks who can't sleep it off!"
Leading To More Side Effects?
Federal health regulators have found tiny particles of trash, glass, rodent's ass in drugs made by Genzyme, the second time this year the biotechnology company has been cited for contamination issues.
Clinton Having Troubles With Binding
Clinton: No binding climate deal at Denmark talks. "No binding deal anywhere as far as that goes."
New Kid's Program A Throwback
WHITE HOUSE NOTEBOOK: What time is it? "It's Howdy Doody Health Care Overhaul Time, Boys & Girls in the Peanut Brain Gallery."
We're Still Destroying Old Cold War Missiles.
US sees progress on arms control talks with Russia. Could lead both countries to stop replacing old nuclear weapons as agreed upon, with new & better ones.
Obama Wants Fort Hood Incident Delays
Obama urges Congress to put off Fort Hood probe. Attacker who killed 13 only a misunderstood lonely victim of society.
Man says he would give right leg to be one armed bandit.
Beginning At Lent In Spring
Italy's heavy metal playing monk says he's retiring from the limelight and taking a vow of Muzak.
Also, A Variety Of Liquids
NASA finds water, a whole wine cellar and old 1930's hidden "Speak Easy" on the moon.
Other Players Not Out Of Woods Yet
Woods falls into share of lead in Australia after double bogey on #17, one-shot fart penalty on #18.
Patriots Begin To Act
Republican bashes Dems over health care proposals. "They're going to need medical care before this is over! Viva the revolution!"
Cheech & Chong At The Official Opening
First U.S. marijuana cafe opens in Portland. Cheech & Chong to be guest mumblers. Do Christmas recording.
"One Low-Caffeine Mellow Latte, Dude"
First U.S. marijuana cafe opens in Portland. Cafe's may hook up with Starbucks starting in Seattle.
Tonight on, 'At Home with the Beckhams', they visit Zimbabwe's most famous water feature. It should be funny, Victoria falls!
Raising Money For College
10 Secrets to Raising More Than $15,000 for College. At least 6 of them legal, moral.
Big NYC Security Risk
The Obama administration plans to put on trial the professed mastermind of the Sept. 11 terror attacks & four alleged accomplices in a lower Manhattan courthouse. May assign 40,000 troops there.
Equal Opportunity To Bail Us Out
Obama seeks equal partnership in Asia. "We need to borow money from Japan & Taiwan and not just China."
Old woman savegley beaten by 6 year old
She was beaten 12 times in a row at Stratego. Later she referred her grandson as a "Smart arsed little bastard!"
The Old Ticker Stops
In New York today, stockbroker dies on the stock market floor as the old ticker goes out.
"The Stars Come Out"
"The Stars Come Out", a new celebrity night as celebrities auction off sperm to raise funds to reduce national debt.
Hard To See Out
NASA Headquarters in Houston say that from now on, astronauts will have to go outside space station to smoke.
Former Planet Pluto Missing
Pluto is missing say astronomers. Believed to be headed toward Sirius, the Dog Star, to circle it.
Don't Touch My Pepperoni
Animal rights activists convinced a large Pizza chain to replace Pepperoni toppings with Tofu toppings. Pizza sales dropped 6% and unemployment rose to 12%.
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