Spoof news snippets from Friday 13 November 2009
Freak of Nature?
A band director, stood outside on a metal ladder during a concert during a thunderstorm. Amazingly, he wasn't hit by lightning, but the music was awful - it seems he just wasn't a good conductor.
Hell YES, It Matters!
We've been lying to you, gents. We gals can overlook baldness, bad breath, bad jokes, farting, unemployment, drunkeness & in-laws, but we draw the line at small penises. Of COURSE size matters!
"US Boy, Chop! Chop!"
China offers help with US unemployment problem. "Your people can come here and build us another wall."
Why, Yes, It's DAMN Good!
Beatleologists today announced the actual meaning of the Beatles' song, "Norwegian Wood." It isn't about the woods, pot or furniture. It was written to extoll the virtues of a good hard-on in Oslo.
Saudi's New Marriage Union Laws
Saudi Arabia says it plans to start regulating the marriage of young girls, amid recent controversy over a union between a 60-year-old man and a girl of eight. "No more shacking up!"
'Sign of the Times'
Post Cosmopolitan wear the PM's wife showed off her alien bits, Playboy offers front page spread to Sarah Brown for one million.
"'Strange Water' found on Moon after NASA 'Bombing'"
Water with a helical twist and extra hydrogen, but NASA has put out a cover story that it is ordinary water.
In Line with falling living standards in the West
"US trade gap widens unexpectedly from 29 camels to 34 camels, eight chickens, and a half eaten lamb's brain"
Obama Advises States
Obama: US government has advised states to save money, ignoring city pothole as they are great as traffic control bumps. Also, allowing the least offensive murderers out of prison will save millions.
9/11 perpetrators face trial in NY avoiding skyscrapers and low flying planes!
The perpetrators behind 9/11 are on trail in NY, before flying in they requested to the pilot "please avoid all skyscrapers and low flying jets" The FBI agreed and took the subway instead!
A Small World
Authorities in Kenya say that not only is the Kenyan man who was attacked by a python last year kin to President but that the python is a distant cousin of Nancy Pelosi.
Amazon Changing Rules
Amazon has said it will no longer allow online advertising systems to scan its web pages to produce targeted ads, except for the genuine Nigerian investments.
They Had Funny Names Back Then
New Rock Band, "The Pardoned White House Turkeys" to do a remake of the Electric Prunes "I Had Too Much To Dream Last Night" out in 1966.
Hannibal the Cannibal was executed in Texas last night. Officials say he ate a hearty meal.
Mediterranean Diet Misunderstood
Mediterranean Diet problems are on the increase say hospital workers. They lose weight fast because they misunderstand & think they have to drink sea water, then they get the shits!"
Old Flasher Dead Of H1N1
An old guy in dirty raincoat this morning at hospital in Duluth has died of the Swine Flu. "No wonder', states doctor, "he's had pneumonia seventeen times."
Alhough Unseen For Awhile
Osama Bin Laden, in latest video, says he believes that George Bush and Tony Blair are still alive.
Five Percent Hotties! Who Knew?
Spokesman Dick Richards, a spokesman for the "National Organ Nation Of Nudists", says 20% of people there have become impotent, 30% bulimic.
Robbie Williams and 'Take That'
Exchange blows during secret recording sessions; said RW (wearing dark glasses and plasters to hide stitches): "It was a real 'take that' session.
She Needs Some cheering Up Herself
Man with the world's smallest penis nicknamed "Moby" by wife who is trying to cheer him up.
Emotional Robbie Williams Labeled Serial Killer
Upon teaming up on stage with "Take That" RW's tears turn into a flood sweeping all away in its path.
Valdalism In DC
Over 100 bags of burning shit placed at Democrat Senator's addresses last night. "This the most offal thing we've seen", states DC officer.
Katherine Jenkins Feeds 1000 Hungry Children
Baby free Katherine Jenkins miraculously makes breast milk at BBC's Children in Need concert in London.
Cat called Thatcher dies, we all thought it was Maggie, SHAME!!
A Canadian politicians cat called Thatcher dies and mistakingly the Canadian Prime Minister announces Maggie is dead. Fireworks, pissed ex-coalminers with Arthur Scargill were doing the knees-up!
Daryl Hannah Denies That She Has a Thing for Men, Who Look Like Father Christmas,
"This space purposefully left 'left of center blank'".
Batman Ahoy - Daryl Hannah Invents Cover Story to "Date" Captain Paul Watson
Walter Mitty: "Absolutely Untrue". Andre "I Lied" Agassi: "This story is piece of fiction." Russell Brand & Jonathan Ross: "A great prank story."
Cellmate Named Godfather
Prison officer who had baby by inmate is jailed for 30 months. Prisoner awarded possession and care of baby.
Low On Vaccines
Health Agency Head: Not having enough Swine Flu vaccines available could cost jabs!
Teef Stoody Wrung!
Brushing your teeth could reduce your risk of dementia say studies but villages idiots mumble objections, or that's what it sounded like.
Teachers Addresse Dress
A headteacher has suspended three pupils after they set up a Facebook group attacking her dress sense, she tells reporters, who were shocked at her apparel.
Bit Off More Than They Can Chew?
Having a career, husband AND children may be too ambitious, says leading headmistress, especially husbands.
Authorities Seize Mosques, Skyscraper Before They Can Escape
U.S. authorities to seize four mosques and 36-storey New York skyscraper that are 'under secret control of Iran'. Skyscraper water boarded, confesses.
Skull Found Solves Some Kind Of Mystery
Ned Kelly skull 'find' could solve one of Australia's great mysteries: Who in the world was Ned Kelly and why should we care?"
Rough Community Service
Is this the future for our shamed MPs? Boris Johnson's ex-deputy made to paint toilets, scrub commodes, wipe asses on community service after fiddling expenses
Britain prepares to be battered by weekend of storms, 70mph gales, boring political speches, nothing on TV and pouring rain.
All Screwed Up?
A married LibDem MP is having an affair with the estranged wife of a former SAS soldier and his girlfriend, uncle, it was claimed today.
3-Yr.-Old Gets Compensation
Three year old receives compensation for injuries after second toddler hit him over the head with rubber duck.
Britain Has Talent, Long-Term Unemployment
Long-term unemployed to get £40m with a bit more for those with the most original excuses for not having jobs.
No Problems Here
Is immigration a problem in Britain? Most of ten billion immigrants say no.
Fooling With Mother Nature Warning
In China, heavy snowfall has led to the deaths of 38 people in road accidents and collapsed buildings, state-run media have reported as seeded cloud snow enters sixth day.
Experts Also At Odds
US President Barack Obama and Japanese Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama have agreed on the need to renew their two countries' strained alliance over whether Godzilla, King Kong the greater.
Cape Cod Losing Fish
Warming drives off Cape Cod's namesake, the Jessica Fletcher Mystery Cod Murder fish.
But Not Too Close
NASA to try to free stuck Mars rover Spirit by jarring it loose with nuclear missile.
Cheese Binding Deal In Switzerland?
Clinton: No binding climate deal at Denmark talks. No binding feet deal in China.
May Have Tried To Get Opponent Elected
Iran to try brother-in-law, mother, brother and sister of opposition leader.
Clinton Urges Healthcare Reform Before Obama Has Breakdown
Bill Clinton urges Senate Dems to finish health care reform, or the country goes down the tubes. "It's all Obama thinks about, apparently."
Includes Old/Young Fliers
British Airways, Iberia, children's pedal planes agree to $7 billion merger.
Leaders Not Top-Drawer
United Nations warns the world is on the brink of another fool crisis.
Swine Flu Toll
CDC's swine flu toll: 4,000 dead, 22 million ill, 100 million calling in sick.
Lots Of Coasting
Coastal flooding a concern as the storm moves up coast, buildings, cars float down the coast.
Friday The 13th Here
Experts say Friday the Thirteenth no different from any other day, knock on wood.
Driver Loses Control
Man distracted by bird drives Bugatti into marsh. "She was quite a bird & wearing very little."
Obama Still Delaying Decisions
Obama: decision still coming soon on troops for Afghanistan. I'm having a hard time with what is most popular.
Obama's Job Summit to Focus on Manual Labor
The so-called "Hand" Job Summit will feature several prominent wankers, and will culminate in one big circle jerk.
Rupert Murdoch launches new(s) channel
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is to launch a free online news channel. The channel, which will be free to those who pay a weekly subscription fee of £15 plus VAT, goes live next week.
Sir Alan Sugar writes new children's book
Sir Alan Sugar launches a set of stories today aimed at children. Entitled 'Your Bedtime My Business', the cuddly tycoon hopes the move will encourage youngsters to become entrepreneurs.
Boris Johnson to play Andy Warhol
Mayor Boris Johnson has been approached by Guy Ritchie to star as the late Andy Warhol. Johnson, who shares the same shock of blond hair as the artist, was said to be considering the offer.
Jeremy Clarkson in testicle mishap
Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson was recovering today after nearly decapitating a testicle. Blaming the accident on the seam of his denim jean-pants, the presenter was said to be confused but stable.
Royal Family in financial crisis
Coutts today issued a statement warning that the Royal Family were down to their last ten billion. "These are grave times" said CEO Sir Dudley Grub who called for a charity appeal for the Queen.
Estate agent stoned to death
London estate agent Andy Gunt was found guilty today of stoning to death a colleague who told the truth about a property. Gunt will be sentenced later this month.
Obese Man Applies for Job at Hooter's
A clinically obese man aged 22 from California applied for a job at Hooters restaurant. During the interview, apart from a set of rollerskates, he was given a bra and told; "here, fill this out!"
UMFO spotted over Denver
Unidentified Mother Flying Object? Yeah, something like that.
Aspartame Boy admits he is afraid to go viral
In a candid interview with editors at TheSpoof.com, he admitted he was in fear of becoming too well known and attracting dangerous attention: "What if Henry Kissinger reads my stuff? I'm screwed."
Crazier Than Shoe Bomber
Clown arrested at Kennedy Airport in NYC after hiding object apparently "had some pie in the sky dream", says inspector.
Cheney Not Concerned
Former VP Dick Cheney was told today that his approval ratings among minorities is under 10%. "Great, that's nearly 10% higher than mine of them."
Needed The Rain
Remnants of Tropical Storm Ida brings lots of rain to New England. "Great", says local optomist. "We were a little dry for the year", as his car, still afloat, goes down the hill backwards.
Better Air Quality
Farmers now encourage cows to fart indoors while being milked where a machine will catch the hot air near ceiling for air purification. Obama says he will also start holding beer conferences indoors.
Banks Love Your Money
Fed cracks down on overdraft fees after man reports a $99 fee after a 35 cent overdraft.
Ahmadinejad's Wednesday Collapse
Iran's Ahmadinejad said Thursday his quick collapse was due to exhaustion. However, a servant said the Iranian leader had been visited during the night by Marley in chains & Hussein dragging his rope.
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