Spoof news snippets from Thursday 12 November 2009
German Thief Steals Circus Van
A German thief stole a circus van, only to discover that it was carrying a ferocious lion. He quickly abandoned the vehicle only to be told by a traffic warden "You can't leave that lion around here!"
NHS Nurses Need to Be Well Qualified
Due to European law, a new nurse has to have a degree in Art. This is so that she will be able to draw blood.
Oldest Couple Divorce
A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce as they are both 98 years old. "I thought she died years ago", stated husband. "I can't hear shit. Where's my white cane?"
"Where's The Old Lady?"
Police order Pee Wee Herman in a red wig with pigtails to go with them. "No, you are not Wendy and we are not interested in the location of your beef."
Scientists Taking A Second Loch
Fossil from northeastern Columbia reveals the biggest snake ever discovered, a monster over 45 feet long and probably weighing more than 2500 pounds. Word interpreted as "Bessie" found under it.
Stores Battling For Shoppers
Wives are complaining to police that some stores are using real models as store window dummies & luring husbands into store by staff changing their outfits every couple of hours.
"It's The End Of The World"
The NOP&P (National Order Of Physics And Prophets) said today that the Mayan Calendar was misinterpreted & that the world ended when Miss Skeeter Davis lost her love back in 1963.
FBI Destroy Package
FBI agents blow up mysterious small box found on the floor of the US Senate today. "It was full of rubbers and little purple pills", stated an FBI spokesman. "Apparently, it was a stimulus package."
Pelosi Better Than Hillary
Senate leader Harry Reid stated today that Nancy Pelosi is doing a better job than Hillary Clinton. Then asks Pelosi, "Now can I have them back?"
"Whoever's Arrested Here..."
Dozen hookers arrested in Las Vegas for not being licensed are now doing time on a stem cell research project.
Lake Wobegon Nudist Colony
Al Gore's latest rant about global warming "with nudist colonies as far north as International Falls" only brings "Yah? Ohhhh, Yaaah!"
GAYPHOBIA STRIKES Spoof writers!
No, not Mexican Swine flu but a much more devastating bacteria has struck the spoof writers called GAYPHOBIA, for cures read accompanying Spoof and never inject with filthy, second hand needles!
Flener Wins Air Guitar Contest
One Jamie Flener of Nashville wins Air Guitar contest after smashing his guitar after playing "Raunchy" and letting go a long loud fart at the end.
Obama Looking Better
President Obama seemed to be looking better today and gaining back a little weight. Also, for some reason, he's named Bob Dole the "Penis Czar".
Obama Issues Pardons
President Obama told reporters that he had issued several pardons already while in office, most of them during the beer conferences.
Meet A Lot Of Midgets This Way
Makers of Two-Buck Chuck Wine would like to remind everyone not to drive anywhere at all during the coming holidays. "Crawling would be safer. Three of our labels gets you $4 discount on knee pads."
Could Have Done Farts Also
At National Fundraiser, Senator Larry Craig amazed the audience after being able to identify every person in Congress by only seeing their shoes.
Guards Allowed Aliens In
Border guards in Texas fined for allowing illegal aliens to fly UFO over the fence.
Happy Bidet, Mikey!
Congratulations on your Successful Hemorrhoid Surgery.
UK Expecting Rain
When the rain finally stops, there will be more rain. And after that, it will rain again. Probably. Outlook: Rain. Then more rain. Followed by rain. Then more rain...Ad infinitum.
Following the safety scares about pushchairs...
It's good to see that Maclaren finally got their finger out.
Smelling: The Best Test
The key to preserving the old, degrading paper of treasured, aging books is contained in the smell of their pages, say scientists. Same thing true for hooker's armpits.
Ivory Thefts Up
Crime rings boost ivory smuggling. Study says over 2,000 elephants, old Kimball pianos, went missing in 2008.
Guilty But High
The US parents who triggered a major alert by claiming their six-year-old son was adrift in a helium balloon are to admit charges, their lawyer says. Claim they were high on balloon leak.
Police Used Wrong Terms
Anger as judge caught drunk behind the wheel with half-full bottle of vodka escapes jail by arguing that it was half-full.
Cornwall In Space
Cornwall to introduce bilingual street signs featuring several languages, including Klingon.
"The Plane! The Plane!
Passenger plane to be crashed in desert for Channel 4 documentary. Passengers will be unemployed Village Idiots.
"Timber!..I Mean, Four!"
Gnawing problem for golf course: A very eager beaver leaves a trail of destruction after escaping from wildlife park. "The little nibblet nibbled down at least a dozen trees", says official.
"Nope, Your Belly's Big!"
Fat mothers-to-be banned from giving birth at their local hospital. From now on, only skinny pregnant mothers-to-be allowed.
Canned Food Deadly?
Consumer Reports: Most Canned Foods Contain Deadly Chemical! We apoligize for late report, originally scheduled to be released in 1895.
Given "Third Degree" Before Hiring
All new nurses will need to have degrees to work for the NHS
or at least be able to read a thermometer.
Police Learning To Ride Bikes, Tie Shoelaces
Police officers get 93-page guide on how to ride a bike, last ten pages showing how to ride without hands and shouting at Mum to come see!
But Avoids Gang Violence
Mother caught feeding ducks fined £75 for littering, stopping to say hello to neighbor met on street for loitering.
Grinch's Heart Back To Small
Royal Mail manager 'stole cash from children's birthday cards', 'Get Well' cards to white out and reuse.
Abdullah Abdullah Denies Charges, Denies Charges
Afghani President Karzia states that opponent Abdullah Abdullah encourage his followers to vote twice, once for each Abdullah.
Hubby Hauled Away
Wife snares paedophile husband by posing as online schoolgirl using computer in room next door. Then she wore pigtails to meet him with police officers at park.
Mini-Dress Student Back
Mini-dress student readmitted to university but must wear shorts!
New cruise Ship Late
Alabama city's new cruise ship arrives a day late, a dinner short!
Perry: Lead singer Steven Tyler is taking time off from Aerosmith to try to remember who he is.
Pfizer Studies Misleading
Review: FDA reports on Pfizer drug studies say they are are misleading. Promise they will begin new set of misleading studies almost immediately.
Brown Pelicans No Longer Endangered
Government says brown pelicans are endangered no longer. One board member immediately places call to Cheney.
Now Seeking "Levi" Gene.
So-called "Simmons" Gene found that seems key in evolution of speech, due to length of tongues.
New Dinosaur Discovered
Scientists: New dinosaur species found in South Africa. Two-foot tall Cruisasaurus managed to be overlooked when others died out.
Once They're All Gone, Look Out!
Wal-Mart posts 3 percent rise in profit for 3Q. Credits forcing everybody else out of business by temporary low prices.
Obama On Iraq: We Must Pass Healthcare
Unions prod Obama to fix ailing airline industry but told that he's got his mind on health care reform. Wars, econom, high food prices, Joe Biden seen streaking in park, will have to wait.
Tyson Scuffle At Airport
Police: Mike Tyson in scuffle at LA airport. Three taken to nearby hospitals with ear injuries.
Somali Judge Killed
Somali judge who jailed pirates, insurgents killed. Found hanging at the yardarm.
Blackout, stores all being empty when lights came back on, raises fears about Brazil infrastructure.
Americans Spending Less
Americans may be settling into spending less. Experts say they believe it is because they have less to spend.
Seniors In Health Care Bill Are Wary
Work under way for seniors project in health care bill. "Oh, they'll be taken care of alright", says President.
No Kayne Show This Time
Taylor's turn: Swift wins entertainer of the year. This time a guard comes out with her to be sure no one interferes.
Family Dinner Distractions
AP poll: Family dinner survives, with distractions. "Honey, the dog is humping my leg under the table again."
A Little Strange But Aren't We All?
Shooting suspect's superiors questioned behavior, such as shooting targets with Bush, Obama photos.
Gay Mormons Get Rights
Salt Lake OKs gay rights laws with Mormon backing as first gay polygamist family has over 100 in it and growing.
End Of Life Decisions Seldom Made
Few Americans make end-of-life wishes known, except the "I don't want to die!" thing.
Dobbs Leaving CNN
Lou Dobbs leaving CNN for 'new opportunities' at Bravo, The Cartoon Network.
Foreclosures Dip, Doodle
Foreclosures dip 3 pct. in October from September plus most families removed from homes being placed in FEMA type trailers!
Obama, The Most Powerful
Obama tops Forbes list of world's most powerful people. He's closely followed by Oprah, Simon Cowell.
Obama Stalls Afghan Decision Again
Official: Obama wants revised Afghan war options, to narrow it down to the top 100 and think about it some more.
Once So Peaceful Here!
New WalMart completed near civil war battleground will feature workers in 1860's style outfits, fire off a cannon every hour on the hour, with boy burglars announcing items on sale that day.
Some Kind Of Medical Breakthrough
Researchers say they have made a breakthrough in a pill for that, you know, disease where you can't remember anything? Doggone it! Scurvy?
Disney Closes Ride
Walt Disney World in Florida has announced that they have closed down their Somali Pirates of the Gulf of Eden.
After last Saturday nights vote on the health care program and all republicans voting no, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has taken away their bathroom privileges.
The Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum told the New York times today that they're having trouble keeping their statue of John Kerry's head staying on.
"Amy Prefers Plain"
Former President Jimmy Carter is putting out a his own line of peanut butter called, "Carter's Own". It comes in smooth or grouchy.
Congress Cancels H1N1 Vaccinations
The Democratic controlled Congress suspends H1N1 vaccinations for members, over Republican objections. A received report from the NIH claims the H1N1 virus causes legislators to turn into liberals.
A Bum Steer
Animal rights groups at a convention agreed to a program of putting condoms on bulls to destroy the cattle industry. All members were urged to participate. However, diaphragms were voted down!
"Elvis Twin In Casket!"
The National Enquirer, which has gained more credibility with the Edwards Affair exposure, has now exposed a bogus "Elvis Still Alive" story they themselves published in 1980!
Pro-Choice house members (women) railed at the Stupak Amendment on the house floor. Then they sold out their principles to House Speaker Pelosi, when the final vote occurred. There's a word for that!
Possession Is Nine/Tenths
A Los Angeles policeman who is possessed by both Perry Mason & Hamilton Berger saves city thousands of dollars by doing bad cop/good cop routine, with a quick change of uniforms all by himself.
Rio had a power failure and the lights went out, with ramifications for the 2016 Olympics. Not to worry, the lights wouldn't dare go out in Chicago. Oops I forgot about "Cap and Trade" legislation!
Don't Bug Me!
After being bugged by animal rights groups, the EPA puts Cockroaches on the endangered species list. Pest control companies retaliate by dropping off 1.5 million of these critters at EPA headquarters.
Church of Environmental Junk Science Splinters
CFL faction vs no Mercury faction; save the birds faction vs green energy windmill faction; and organic crops faction vs carbon footprint faction. Then there is the just plain crazy faction!
No U.S. Torture
Barack Obama has officially banned any form of torture in the U.S. He is now forming a committee to oversee the "No Torture In The United States" ban & a new Czar of No Torture In The U.S. Overseer.
After "Rollerskating In A Buffalo Herd"
Stuntman David Blaine, on this morning's "Good Morning America", announced his plans to attempt to go swimming in a watermelon patch on the Roger Miller Farm in Tennessee.
Magician To Suddenly Appear
A local magician in Lincoln, Nebraska has been summoned to suddenly appear in court on December 8th, 2009 to explain where the petty cash disappeared to at work.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!