Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 11 November 2009
Old Pros Home
Residents of the Former Prostitutes Nursing Home in Arizona promise to leave off all the jokes and putdowns if people would start coming to see us again.
"Mama, There's Balloon Boy!"
Parents of the Balloon Boy are desperately trying to get him into the Macy's Parade at the last moment.
One Era Ends, Another Begins
Study: Computer messages, games, humor and news may mark the end of "The Couch Potato Years"
Gordon Brown knocked over at Cosmopolitan awards that honoured Dannii Minogue
Press core ran over him to take snaps of his wife.
IBW Staffer has expense details tattooed on his body
But claimed he couldn't accommodate them all.
PM's wife REally showed her WHAT'S ITS!
At Cosmopolitan awards that honoured Dannii Minogue.
In moves reminiscent of the ACORN affair
IBW staffers offer advice to "Vampire Express - we get it to you sooner".
"Doctor Assisted Suicides"
Not to be confused with "Doctor Assistant Suicides", quote from Vampire Express - we get it to you sooner.
Lord Mandelson to become Minister of What's It
"In a move that will see yet more power for Mandy, Lord Mandelson is charged with selling "Gordon's Britain". (Quote from the Daily What's It)
Police Program Working
Ne York Police say that their "Turn in you machine guns for Beyonce DVD Performance" program off to a good start as 2,000 collected the first day.
UN Warns Iran Once Again
UN threatens Iran that if they continue towards developing nuclear weapons, they will receive "the mother of all wrist slaps!"
Old People Leaving
Old people lined up at all US airports hoping to leave the county before health care death panel completed.
IBM announces legal suit against International Business Wales (IBW)
IBM claims recent expense issues at International Business Wales is harming International Business Machines (IBM).
IBW want to sponser NSA's New X-Band Radar
Thinking "X-Band Radar" has something to do with brassiers or other 'personal items', IBW reveals secret NSA plans to install X-Band radar on top of Caerfilli Mountain
NSA wants to install latest
X-Band radar inside Katy Green's "whats its"
UN Claims Jordan's "What's Its"
are altering weather patterns
Lindsay Lohan 'was having an affair with the Joker'
"But before he died," said Lindsay's mum.
Have You Decided Yet?
President Obama orders republicans out of office after they ask him, "Have you decided on the number of troops yet?" over 200 times.
You've Been Warned
Rush Limbaugh: President's Health Care Bill includes death list for older folks, soylent green.
Final Bill Up
General Motors recovery hopes are down as final government bill includes undercoating.
Michael Jackson Converts
Marvin Gay persuades Michael Jackson into switching from Mormanism to become an Oligochaetologist.
Hoffa's Remains Found
Michelle Obama pulls up Jimmy Hoffa's boney hand while pulling up late onions in White House garden. FBI: It's always the last place you look!"
John McCain On Speaking Tour
New motivational speaker John McCain motivates his audience not to choose Sarah Palin as VP running mate.
Mattel Too Big?
Barbie Doll hits the AARP magazine age. Beginning to look more like Mrs Potato Head.
Prank Goes "Kabloob"
A college prank in Nashville turned deadly Friday after a University of Vanderbilt freshman goes for fictional record of eating boiled eggs set by Cool Hand Luke.
Attorney Tries The Groucho Defense
Guy on trial in Chicago for killing his wife claims that he was trying to commit suicide and he didn't know she was sleeping in his pajamas.
"You Fed Me Too Much, Mumsy!"
Couple that finally convinces son to get out of the basement and get a place of his own finds he is too fat to get through the door.
More Problems In Fairyland
Just when Disneyland gets over the arrest last year of Goofy on child pornography charges, it was reported today that Snow White is a cocaine freak.
Always Found A Parking Place At Museums
Huge traffic snarl in downtown New York City yesterday evening after a horse and buggy near Central Park get ran into by a guy in a motorized bathtub.
New Boobs While You Shop!
Some breast enhancement stores now in the mall, joined with other stores like "Bed, Bath & Bigger Boobs!"
Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature
Playing with weather stirs debate in China as cloud-seeded snowstorm enters fifth day.
Tobacco Prices Soar!
Big Tobacco blames increase in cost of cigarettes on higher taxes, higher price of strychnine.
"No Biggy Celebrations Here"
Members of a nudist colony in Arizona say that they don't do "Casual Fridays" there. "They are all casual. No Biggies celebrated at all except by new members, daily, for the first six months."
Dalia Lama Teachings
The Dalai Lama told reporters yesterday that sex spells trouble even in marriage because there are two different personalities involved. He thus began his teaching of Deep Meditation Ejaculation.
Cave Drawings Deciphered
Archaeologists finally decipher cave drawings: "UFO kidnapped Grog, put stick up Grog's tail"
MENSA Agrees With Cash
A new study from MENSA Headquarters in Texas has determined that Billy Joe really shouldn't have worn his guns to town.
Jedward Hooks Up With Squidward
Jedward to appear as Squidward's cousins on Sponge Bob's "Old Friends & Relatives" episode.
Wearside citizen tells reporters this morning, "YOU KNOW THAT LOUD SEX WOMAN? SHE'S MOVED IN NEXT DOOR! WHAT?"
Danger of Reading Books Written by JRR Tolkien
Doctors are concerned millions of people are reading books at night, written by the eminent author JRR Tolkien. People are being warned that such a practice could be 'Hobbit-forming'.
A Suffolk Council Are Inundated with Disabled Badge Replacements
Millions of disabled parking blue badge holders are reapplying to Suffolk Coastal District Council because of the way the details are written with a pen using dodgy ink.
UN Warns NKorea Again
The United Nations has issued a "Strong Condemnation Message" over the North Korean nuclear missiles headed toward the NYC building.
Thought It Was Ex-Wife #2
Country Music Mag says that Willie Nelson was so wasted after his show Monday night that he called up the IRS and told them he was sorry, apologizing and crying till they hung up.
More Aliens Dead
Rumor: More aliens were discovered dead in New Mexico last night. They had apparently died after consuming two jackalopes at a taxidermist's residence during the night.
Rooks Making Hooks
In Nigeria yesterday, scientists report that they not only have found a large family of monkeys who have learned to fish, but some rooks who are making hooks for them.
"Eternal" Food Rations Ready
The U.S. is preparing for possible food shortages in the future by storing E-Rations used by troops. These are good for 100 years, thus the term, Eternal-Rations. Vets say "store some laxatives".
Tuna Swim Atlantic
Researchers announced yesterday that a ten year study shows that tuna swim across the Atlantic. Before that, they apparently thought they crawled across the bottom.
He's Even A Pied Piper
According to a new survey, New York City has the most rats in all of America. Upon hearing this, President offered to come there and pipe them into the East River.
The Old Ones Will Be Back
In this year's Fashion Show in Kabul, burqas are a full two inches longer than last years.
Another Beer Conference
President Obama met with Native-American tribal leaders, and they gave him the Indian name "He Who Loves Beer."
Grandfather arrested at dawn and held in a police cell for SIX hours for swearing once at council official, fires off a total of 200 loud ones from his cell.
To Each His Own
Where former president George Bush had shoes hurled at him, President Obama dodging Nobel Prize flingers.
Public Getting Suspicious
Asteroid passes just 8,700miles from Earth - with only 15 hours warning. NASA says, "Whoops we did it again. At least there was no panic."
Job Seekers Wrongly Branded
Thousands of job seekers wrongly branded as criminals because they have same names as offenders. Authorities say parents should think first before naming children, "Hitler, Rasputin".
20% Do Not Contribute To Economy
One in five people of working age contribute NOTHING to the economy for first time in almost 40 years. However, many do say that they toss coins into charity fountains.
No Fasting Required
Patients do not need to fast before having their cholesterol tested, a major report has found. However, eating three Big Macs for breakfast before tests is discouraged.
War Dead Remembered
Still more services to remember world war dead. Few services remaining to help those still alive.
Baseball GMs pass on expanding instant replay, Yankee's team salary to one trillion dollars.
Giraffes Making Comeback
W. Africa's last giraffes make surprising comeback. Snobbish animals finally admit others trying to help them survive. More necking going on out in the open.
Human DNA In Animals
UK starts study on using human DNA in animals. Animal DNA already discovered in Osbourne family.
Judge Rules Against Joe Jackson
Judge: Joe Jackson can't challenge will executors. Joe responds but we cannot print it.
Brazil Blackout Ends
Lights return following Brazilian blackout! Over 100,000 claim they got into the wrong house by mistake. Thought possessions were their own.
Code Talkers Meet
Navajo Code Talkers break silence for Veterans Day! "Germans never could figure out, 'Kemosabe'", laughs Navajo chief.
PRIDE Joinig Lion's Club?
Operation P.R.I.D.E. gets funding for new projects. PRIDE say they may join the Lion's Cub...Club!
Swift Wins Another
Swift wins 2nd straight BMI award for top song. Billy Joel gets special award for six-months without auto accident.
Koreas Battling Again
North and South Korea navies clash briefly just ahead of Obama's visit, but delay all-out war until President leaves.
Then Why Use Them During Tests?
Experts: Placebo power behind many natural cures. "Tree bark and herbs only good to use to make into drugs that cure", says group of physician.
Lots Of Rumbling
Philippines' Mayon volcano spews ash, could erupt. Same thing happening with Venezuela's Chavez.
American Dream House Only Dreams?
Five percent of Americans plan to buy a home next year. Only one percent say they expect to be able to realize their plans.
Brazilian college student promises the school administration not to wear mini dresses anymore. She came to class naked the next day!
A Growing Problem
A group says organic crops reduce the carbon footprint. A counter group claims organic farmers are full of fertilizer, their crops are worse on the environment. Police broke up the ensuing fistfight.
Chinese Health Care
China asks US House Speaker Pelosi to run their health care reform program. The USA then cannot cite China for human rights violations, as Pelosi rams unwanted mandates down people's throats!
Clinton Pushes Health Care Reform
Former President Bill Clinton urges Senate Democrats to pass health care reform legislation. He specifically stressed OB/GYN services for women.
Iran's President Ahmadinejad defects to Israel, asks for asylum, says he cannot get a decent Pastrami sandwich in Iran. Israeli officials have him in isolation until he stops glowing in the dark.
Garlic A Cure-All?
A new study shows that garlic can help in the prevention of cancer. Also, neck bites, French kisses.
"You're In My Seat!"
In all the confusion on the hastily called health care bill Saturday night, some moderates of both political parties moved toward the middle.
Doctor Assisted Suicides?
Captured Taliban reveals that suicide bombers in Afghanistan are "doctor assisted". "Once privates removed, we just turn them loose."
Cubs Down To Broomsticks!
Yankees expected to win world series again next year as Steinbrenner purchases all the world's baseball bats.
PETA's Plan Peters Out
PETA's idea for animal crackers to be made in the shape of endangered species is not working, as young children, Ozzy Osbourne love to bite off their heads!
Second Clone A Dork
South Korean doctor announces that a clone is very much like the original person, but the clone of a clone is a regular village idiot.
Brown Has New Job
President Obama in California next week to appoint Jerry Brown as the new Medical Marijuana Czar.
Final Score, Castro 3, Kennedys 0
A new version of "Survivor" is planned for the Spring of 2010 that will include Fidel Castro in the cast.
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