Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 10 November 2009
Two Buck Chuck Changes Name
Due to the economy, Two-Buck Chuck wine that won a blind taste award, has changed it's name to Four-Buck Chuck. There's still a cheaper version for $2. It's called "Two-Buck Upchuck".
Have To Look Close In Arkansas
A report last week shows that Mississippi is America's fattest state, Colorado is it's thinnest and that Arkansas had the most twins, triplets and quadruplets.
On "Not-Wanted" Poster
Photograph of the winner of the national hotdog eating contest being passed around in All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Restaurants!
Red Wine Fine!
Another test, this time in Houston using white rats, concludes that red wine is good for you in moderate amounts. PETA now visiting rats at rehab.
Long & Lean
"Longer penis" company loses lawsuit after nearly 1,000 men complain about 14 inch, pencil-circumference results.
Mime Found Dead
A mime was found dead in his cube this morning on Roberts Street in Atlanta. No one had seen him since Halloween. One family there said they had noticed the odor when passing that spot.
Did You Say, Bayfromwhat Daddy?
Local Shriner forgets and uses mystic masonic curse after stepping in his daughter's dog shit for the third time today.
First 100 Get Free Goose!
With their "First 100 in store gets a free goose" ads this year, WallyMart hoping to avoid anymore stampedes.
Maradona warns Fab Capello, "get me in or I'll shoot your brains out"!
Diego has warned England coach Fab Capello, "get me in the World Cup or I'll blow your f*****g brains out!" Maradona was high on coks at the time and landed on his belly! The Mafia are looking into it
General Mills Decorated
President Barack Obama presented the fifth star to General Mills in Washington today. "With the addition of fiber to Fruit Loops, you've earned it, General!"
Fab Fabio Capello warns Michael Owen, "get younger or your out!"
Fab Capello has warned Michael Owen to get younger or face the consequences, Owen replied, "f**k off in perfect Liverpudlian Italien" and sent him a frozen pizza from Pizza Hut!
Fab Fabio Capello warns Rio Ferdinand, "get fit or else"
Cape"llo has warned Rio Ferdinand get fit or you can go on holiday! Rio replied, "thanks Fab, I've just booked my fortnight in the Bahamas!
Baseball Home Run King Barry Bonds was rushed to a hospital in New York last night when his enormous head got stuck in a bar bathroom stall commode after he got sick.
I Won't Lower TheSpoof's High Standards
Former Vice President of the United States, Al Gore stated today that....Oh I'm so sick of his predictions, I could puke. Go to Drudge or somewhere and read it. We give you news here, not the S.O.S.
Arkansas: That's Our Gal!
Asked her reaction to Monica Lewinsky's statement that she felt sorry for her, Hillary Clinton stated today that she was "Madder than a Bigfoot with toe fungus", apparently an old Arkansas saying.
Black Bears Usually Unharmful
Rangers in the Great Smokey Mountains tell visitors that black bears there are usually harmless unless you catch a female with her cubs or while taking a crap, as they are easily em-bear-assed.
In an announcement from the Pentagon, the United States will return primitive artifacts to Vietnam in exchange for John Kerry's balls.
Dolly Credits "Taters With Skins!"
Singer Dolly Parton, famous for voice & chest size, told reporters today that she credited eating so many potatoes with the skins on for her size. "Back then, were usually just called them "Titters".
Obama's Third Oath
After being sworn in as president twice, President Obama has launched his third oath at VP Joe Biden.
According to the National Questioner, Britney Spears has traced her ancestry all the way back to Mammoth Spears, who usually hunted completely naked.
Casual Friday At The Nudist Colony
After ten years, Casual Friday still a pretty much humdrum day for most of the nations nudist colonies. "We just don't bother to wipe our ass", one told a reporter.
Justin Timbelrake to marry his weirdo, ex-female stalker!
Justin is to marry his ex-stalker, he's totally in love love and finds her KINKY, DOMINANT,SEXY and WEIRD!
"At last someone to fill my kinky diversions, a marriage made in heavenly hell!"
New Reality Show
New "Jackass-type" TV reality show next spring: "Dancing With The Cars!" Losers to get free med care from new health bill.
Bobbitt Has New Life
Lorena Bobbitt, out of the news for awhile, was tracked down to Tuscan, Arizona where she does nails for "The Clip Joint Salon".
Bomber Wants Jessica
Captured suicide bomber injured, asks for Jessica Fletcher he saw on TV to write his story, "Martyr, She Wrote".
Octomom Was Trying For Record
Doctor who helped deliver octuplets says their mother was trying for a record and crapped trying to bring out another one.
Many Police Out Of Bullets Although Factory Running 24 Hours
Gun sales sky-rocket, up 500%, after President Obama says that gun control will be the next on his list after health care.
Turned Down By Popeye, Olive Oyl
Now that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae have their bailout money, Wimpee Mac has came forward requesting a hamburger today, which he promises to repay by next Tuesday.
Jeffs New Book
Jailed Mormon polygamist Warren Jeffs will have yet another book coming out in time for the Holidays entitled, "How To Fake Orgasms".
Another Dollar Drop
The United States dollar declined once again this past week against the euro, the Japanese yen and the Alien hern.
Kareem Abdul Jabbar announces that he has a rare form of Leukemia
No word on whether or not Lew Alcindor suffers the same condition.
International Business Wales Taps Welsh Lottery Winners
Near the bottom of just about every economic league table beleaguered IBW asks for a 10 million dollar loan from winners of the Euro-Lottery.
Paleontologists exploring new areas of the Amazon Forest report the finding of Primeval aliens!
Big Japanese Find!
Japanese youth uncovers nuclear "Shadow" of Godzilla on parking lot of Hiroshima.
Castro On Visit
Fidel Castro pays a visit to former president George Bush in Crawford to try to cheer him up.
Hospital Sued Over Mix-Up
A hospital in Portland, Oregon is being sued after a drunk surgeon accidentally leaves removed penis instead of appendix. "They were the same size & a sex operation was next", claims doctor.
Beer Good For You
FDA Release: "Beer may be just as healthy for you as red or white wine. Homer Simpson may be healthiest guy on TV.
Christie Classic On
A new version of a Agatha Christie Classic on this week, "The Wheelie Bin Murders", with guest appearance by John Cleese as a wheelie bin.
Mr Carroll's Wonderland Is Back
100 rapists are let off with a caution! Wheelie bins with wrong trash given five years.
I'm A "Call Girl", Let's Show Some Respect!
Call Girl sues city police chief for calling her a "pole dancer", "lapdancer", "prostitute". "I'll have me proper respect", says uh..Call Girl.
As Bad As Dumbo
The jumbo that was scared of a mouse: Delta Airlines cancels flight after rodent spotted in cabin. "Couldn't fly with all the ladies, one poofter standing on their seats" says pilot.
Nader's New Book
Ralph Nader launches new book, "Unsafe At Any Speed, Part II" about the safety of clown cars.
Midget Loses Digit!
Maclaren recalls ONE MILLION pushchairs in U.S. after children suffer finger amputations, midget loses digit.
Answer Was Simple After All
Old rock group, Led Zeppelin wins $2 Million Space Elevator Competition with old-fashioned "Stairway"!
Bush Admits Mistake
Bush, in Japan, Finally admits a mistake. "I should have never came here", says ex-President.
Sao Paulo Objects To Short Dress, Thongs OK!
In Sao Paulo, Brazil, student expelled after row over, under short dress.
Almanac 75% Last Year
The Farmer's Almanac releases airline delay list for December, January.
Coffee House In Colonial Times?
Coffeehouse opening at Colonial Williamsburg. Ye Auld Starbucks due to open Friday.
Still At It!
Letterman scheme suspect to ask court to drop case. Sends judge some 'personal' photos.
Team Still "Up In The Air" Over Winning
Seattle team wins $900,000 in Space Elevator Games! Still waiting to be rescued by helicopters.
"Solar Sail" Coming?
Planetary Society plans new 'solar sail', once project: 'solar flashlight' completed.
Stock futures point to lower Wall Street open as cattle expect to be butchered soon.
Obama To Vist Hiroshima, Probably To Embarrass US Again
Obama says he wants to visit Hiroshima in future. Republican time traveler offers to take him there in the past.
Obama: Still Mulling Over Afghan Health Care
Sources: Obama near decision on Afghanistan troops...really. This time we're not kidding...any month now.
Obama National Healer?
Obama pressed into role as national healer, as many revive whenever his shadow passes over them.
Somali Pirates List Demands
Somali pirates demand $3M in pieces of eight for ship with 18 crew.
Ida, Godzilla Come Ashore
Ida comes onshore in Alabama as tropical storm. Godzilla comes ashore in Pyongyang as highly pissed, over N.Korean missile nearly took of his head while sleeping.
Salvation Army Accepting Ding-A-Lings!
New Salvation Army leader settles into role. Announces bells cannot have clapper but workers may 'ding-a-ling' all they want as that has not been outlawed. Checking volunteer "dingalings" closely.
"Uh Oh" Still Unsettled
Mutual of Omaha settles 'aha' suit against Winfrey. Could the settlement of the 'Oho' suit be next?
More Trouble Between Koreas
Navies of both Koreas exchange fire near border. Moon each other from their boats. North Korean hit in the ass.
About Those Online Pics?
Posting Pics Online? What Your Photos Say About You, Your obviously homely family.
Bill For Bill
Bill Clinton meets with Senate Dems on health care, promising 72 virgin aides to all that support it.
FBI Covering Butt
FBI reassessing past look at Fort Hood suspect. "We could have been wrong that he posed no threat", says spokesman.
Predictions that oil could hit $100 a barrel has Saudi's doing back flips.
It's That G.W.
woolly worms bright orange color and birds flying north for winter scary sights, say scientists.
Caracas Venezuela's water supply is tainted with large quantities of LSD. Former President Bush and President Obama agree, this revelation completely explains the behavior of Venezuela's president.
Mr. US Economy showed up at the hospital emergency room with 11% of his body not functioning. Dr. Pelosi said she was a Bureaucractoligist and the patient would have to wait for a real physician.
Democratic Party Run Railroad
The train does not have enough space! Instead of adding a few more cars, liberal left loons rebuild track while the train is running in hopes of accommodating a second train. Result is a train wreck!
The Disease of the Week
House health care bill, without tort reform, has lawyers sponsoring "a disease of the week" ad on TV. This week's "if you or a loved one has contracted Gonorrhea, you may be entitled to compensation."
Athlete's Foot Pandemic
Speaker Pelosi asks Congress for $100 billion to foot the "fight the fungus" bill for an Athlete's Foot pandemic. Joe the Pharmacist says we already have 100 products at less than a dollar each!
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