Spoof news snippets from November 2009
There were 2,155 spoof news snippets published in November 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Joe Wilson "Obama IS dithering, I looked it up!"
"dithering heights has always been one of my favorite books, too."
Burglary Sores In Town.
A burglar sustained extreme blisters, whilst running away from Police.
Women Who Snore Are 87% More Likely To Die Young.
If they sleep next to me.
Latest Football Scores.
Leeds 1 - Bolton didn't.
Frankie Valli Moves To Wales.
"I just love the valley's, I do" says the 75 year old crooner.
Ex-President Bush seeks Friends
Former President George W. Bush is seeking a new friend. To become Bush's friend qualified applicants are asked to send an email to: ILoveGWBush@Yahoo.com. Applicants must be fluent in Bullshit.
Dog Walker Goes Missing
No big deal as the police have a lead.
Jedward - They're Good
Big question remains unanswered.
If The World Developed Haemorrhoids...
They'd surely be in Springfield Illinois. Home of the World's biggest ass hole.
Cerne Laboratory to be employed by the X Factor !
Cerne's Large Hadron Collider is to be used in next week's X Factor to try to locate the alleged talent of twin shites John & Edward.
UK Expecting Rain
When the rain finally stops, there will be more rain. And after that, it will rain again. Probably. Outlook: Rain. Then more rain. Followed by rain. Then more rain...Ad infinitum.
David zHasselhof released from Hospital
David Hasselhoff was released from hospital today and celebrated his freedom with two bottles of vodka and a fifth of gin, according to sources.
Footman to Queen Becomes Wrestling Champion
A 24-year-old footman to HRH the Queen has become the cage fighting Champion of England. He said he gained the skills from wrestling with the Queen's corgis.
Millionth Morris minor Fails to sell
The millionth Morris Minor to come off the production line failed to reach its reserve price of £25,000 today. A spokesman said; "The owner might have got more from the government scrappage scheme!"
US President's Fury Over Gordon Brown's Personal Letter
US President, Barak Obama, was said to be furious when he received a personal letter full of spelling mistakes from the British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown this morning. It read "Dear Mr obummer,"
Ex-Soldier Has Poppies Confiscated
A war veteran who fought in Afghanistan has had his tray of poppies confiscated by police. They are investigating whether they contain opium.
Couples Are Flocking Out Of Springfield, Illinois
Due to the fact that Springfield, Illinois has been named "The Wife Beating Capital of The U.S." thousands of couples have decided to move to Indiana.
Chris Brown To Perform In Springfield, Illinois
Rihanna's ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown to perform at Springfield's 'Wife Batterers Festival.' He said the only reason he's performing there is because no one else wants to hire his woman-beating ass.
The Three Bears Bare All in German Zoo.
Three spectacled Bears have lost all their herr in a zoo in Leipzig, Germany. The zookeepers say that the situation is becoming 'unbearable'. Stay tuned for the latest nudes...
Michael Jackson TV Seance With Derek Acorah Latest
Jacko's ghost says he'll do it, but only if the money's right and sleeping with little boys isn't mentioned.
Cameron's 'Hegelian tactic'
David Cameron is taking a new approach by saying that if the Tories are voted in, in the forthcoming election, he will not allow a referendum on the Lisbon treaty. That well be a YES then!
Gym Owner Refuses to Replace Windows
A gym owner has been ordered the by the local council to replace her windows. Naturally, she has refused, saying; that "Why should I? I have never trusted the LINUX operating system."
The New Miss England Is a Soldier
The new Miss England happens to be a front-line soldier. She is being posted to Afghanistan. She is so 'drop dead gorgeous' that it is hoped that she will be able to 'kill' a few Taleban insurgents.
The Invisible Man invited on to Question Time
The Invisible Man was invited to talk about 'transparency in politics' in the same show as Nick Griffin. However, he failed to show up.
Man Claims to Be Allergic to His Wife
A 42-year-old Yorkshire man claims that he he is allergic to is wife. Mr Pete Sillin said that every time he goes near his wife, Penny, he breaks out into a rash.
Praying Murderer Gets Life
A man convicted of murder was given a life sentence after the police heard him pray to God and ask forgiveness for what he'd done. God forgave him, but man intervened and gave him a life sentence.
Woman Has Fear of Vegetables
It has been reported that a woman who discovered that she has a fear of vegetables worked in the Intensive Care Unit at a Portsmouth hospital.
Springfield, Illinois' New Town Slogan
The Springfield city council upset that the town has become known as "The Wife Beating Capital of The U.S." has hired a public relations firm to change that image. The new slogan, "Duck Bitch!"
What It Takes to Wake a Man
A new study shows that a man is more likely to be awakened by the sound of buzzing flies than crying babies - especially if the buzzing flies are on his trousers.
Women Worry about Their Bodies up to 252 Times a Day!
Researchers have found that women worry about their bodies 252 times a day - whereas men only worry about their appearance maybe six times a day. However, gay men worry about theirs 500 times a day.
Morrisey Hits Bottle!
No sorry that's my mistake, it should be Morrisey hit by bottle
Homely Man Agrees to Wear Mask for Life
The personal section is full of hook up requests, including a plea from a homely but fit man looking for a wife. He agrees to wear a mask of Brad Pitt for life to secure the deal.
Parking Cops Trade Boot for Windshield Laser Imprint
Eliminating the expensive boot altogether, a new process that laser burns the words "PARKING BITCH" across the windshield, is only reversed at the station once fines are paid in full.
No Presidential Pardon for Tom Tofurkey
Tom Tofurkey, completely marginalized at Thanksgiving celebrations once again this year, says he's had it with the holidays and will be "firm" about his decision.
Henry Vacuum Cleaners Face Sales Downturn in Ireland
Football fans in Ireland have boycotted the purchase of Henry vacuum cleaners in protest at Thiery Henry's handball which robbed Ireland's chances of a world cup place.
Detroit Builds 100 MPG Car - Nobody Cares
Following years of painstaking design, engineers have perfected the 100 MPG car, but is so hideous, that consumers would rather take the bus.
New Urban Dictionary Changes Coochie to Poochie
Explaining the logic for the change, dictionary author G-Ram Master Flash tells reporters that it looks and smells more like his dog's ass than anything else. "Wash that Poochie"
Bon Jovi Collector Misinterprets 'Slippery When Wet'
Classic Bon Jovi vinyl collector admits years later, that he thought the breakthrough album for the group was based on driving in rainy conditions. He's still a virgin.
A Suffolk Council Are Inundated with Disabled Badge Replacements
Millions of disabled parking blue badge holders are reapplying to Suffolk Coastal District Council because of the way the details are written with a pen using dodgy ink.
Chinese warned against keeing US dollars
They were reminded that Federal Reserve notes are all just loans and have no cash metal value. Further, due to problems with Chinese imports, the notes have all been recalled.
Danger of Reading Books Written by JRR Tolkien
Doctors are concerned millions of people are reading books at night, written by the eminent author JRR Tolkien. People are being warned that such a practice could be 'Hobbit-forming'.
Freak of Nature?
A band director, stood outside on a metal ladder during a concert during a thunderstorm. Amazingly, he wasn't hit by lightning, but the music was awful - it seems he just wasn't a good conductor.
Obese Man Applies for Job at Hooter's
A clinically obese man aged 22 from California applied for a job at Hooters restaurant. During the interview, apart from a set of rollerskates, he was given a bra and told; "here, fill this out!"
Rich man shoves camel through needle's eye
Lucky thing it didn't have to pass through his anal sphincter, because that would have been an even tighter squeeze.
Stimulus package saves or creates one million jobs, then eliminates them
A government spokesman said last Tuesday "The soaring unemployment rate is proof that the package expanded the number of jobs available for people to be laid off from."
New York Woman Wants Shingles
Confused over a classified ad, Homer Oozel offers his Herpes Type II body to the New York woman only to find that she needed the "other kind" for her roof.
Sheep Invades Supermarket in a Trolley
A live sheep broke into a supermarket in east London today in a supermarket trolley. He headed straight to the frozen food section to visit his late brother who disappeared last week.
Sheep Pleads Innocent to Supermarket Raid
A sheep who burst into a London supermarket pleads innocent to accusations that she might well be pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. "I am not a 'Ram Raider'. she bleated.
Michael Jackson to Be Born-Again in March
A couple in Sunderland are due to give birth to a baby girl in March. The scan shows clearly that she looks like Michael Jackson. The couple plan to name the girl 'Michaela'. Now that's bad!
Mrs Wood's Scores a Hole in One with One of Tiger's Woods
Tiger Woods' wife scored a hole-in-one in the early hours of this morning with one of Tiger Woods' woods, when she hit the back window of the vehicle in which her husband was travelling.
Actors of 'Lost' and 'Prisoner' join to perform 'Lost Prisoner' on TV
The female lead wise-quacked, "I want more six".
Classifieds - dog:
For sale, Rottweiler/Golden Retriever cross. Great dog, rips off people's arms and brings them to you. Priced for quick sale as I need to leave the house. Buyer collects, bring a tranquilliser gun.
Feminists Don't Know What They're Missing!
Feminists are angry at a garden centre for asking men to make their wives happy by buying them a clothes line for Christmas. It's a lot cheaper than buying a new car + husbands will be happier.
College Dean denies charges of assault and battery brought by co-ed
"Sure I hit her, but I used my fists and not an Energizer or Duracell."
Illinois Man Wins National Wife Beaters Association Presidency By 1600 Votes
Voting experts say that it was due to "shared ballots."
Springfield Man wins costume contest for 70's throwback leisure suit at Wife Beaters Association Convention
"I didn't know there was a costume contest."
Illinois Non Profit Organization In Trouble For Strong Arm Tactics
Law officers say that campaign of "contribute or I bitch slap your wife and put a cigarette out on your kid" goes a little too far.
For sale: Female only telephone. Only works for my wife. Whenever I answer it, there's nobody there. £30.
Aspartame Boy reveals his email address
Microsoft now recalling its 800 employees just laid off to handle Aspartame Boy's personal email bag, due to the heavy email volume from his critics.
Classifieds - cat:
For sale, pure bred ginger cat. It might be dead. Comes with own box. £30ono. Contact Ernst Schrödinger, PO Box 101.
Dutch luxury car makers, Spyker are to move their manufacturing plant to Britain. Whilst half of the cars will still be made in Holland, the other half will be made in Coventry.
Social Services in an absolute alphabet soup.
Arrests over baby GBH today left social services worried about running out of the alphabet.
"We've used baby P, now G, B and H. Soon we'll need to start using numbers and that's just insensitive."
For sale, combined tumble drier, rotisserie. No manual, hence £50. I can't get the smell of chicken out of my clothes.
Classifieds - dicshonary:
Four sail won dickshonary. Apears too bee ful off speling misstakes, ence £1.
Classifieds - hole
I am pricing this 6'x12' hole for a quick sale at £20 because it is in an awkward place right outside my garden gate. Buyer collects.
German Thief Steals Circus Van
A German thief stole a circus van, only to discover that it was carrying a ferocious lion. He quickly abandoned the vehicle only to be told by a traffic warden "You can't leave that lion around here!"
Classifieds - Polo
For sale, Volkswagon Polo, 05 reg, one careful owner, £1200. In mint condition.
Mammouth dung key to stink shun
They stunk so bad, they became extinct cause of all the stink and the mama mammoths didn't like the daddy mammoths cause they stink like dung stink. So they shun them exstinkers.
Climate Change a Hoax
German publications indicate no world climate change has occurred for a considerably long period of time. Reporters seeking Al Gore for comment found he has vanished into thin air.
News from the National Wife Beaters Convention in Illinois
Brandy Alexander voted the favorite drink, while Mike Tyson elected to hall of fame.
Man from Western Chapter wins slap off at Wife Beaters Association Convention
Man breaks record with 177 slaps in one minute.
Penis transplant complications
A 32-year-old man from Lancaster had a pioneering penis transplant today, however, his hand rejected it.
Springfield Man enjoying most aspects of National Wife Beaters Association Convention
"My only gripe is that there are no small children for me to put my cigarettes out on. What happened to the human ashtrays?"
One Western Illinois man feels left our at National Wife Beaters Association Convention
"Hey, I beat up lots of girlfriends. That should count for something!"
Classifieds - unwanted gift:
For sale: secret to eternal life. £300. Unwanted inheritance gift.
House Speaker Pelosi visited the USSR prior to its collapse, to investigate their health care system. While in the USSR she had a "Socialized Medicine Implant" procedure performed.
Western Wild Horses to be Moved
The US Department of the Interior wants to move western wild horses (Mustangs) back to the eastern part of the country. Environmentalists objected and have agreed to each take a horse as a house pet.
Prison health-care costs rise as prison doctors grow older and sicker
To save costs, inmates are being trained to be doctors. But too many want to be proctologists.
Obama to address unemployment with job tax
Work will the new bad, as it will be taxed and discouraged. Details in follow up report.
Best Punned healine for 2009
Daily Telegraph: "Mass" coverup of sexual abuse by Catholic Priests. This was used to report on widespread child sexual abuse by Catholic priests in Dublin.
The "prince" of the self-proclaimed principality of Seborga near the Italian Riviera His Tremendousness Giorgio I, has died at the age of 73. The funeral service promises to be tremendous!
As old as time? Aspartame disease plagued Pharaoh's court
FDA cleared of wrongdoing as they assert that aspartame disease is actually 3700 years old.
Bernanke announces top ten new ways to stimulate the economy
The number one way is to outlaw aspartame.
Sarkozy Solution for French Recession
President Sarkozy has invited fugitive Polanski to France to re-arrest him to get him to hand over three million Euros in bail money which will go to cover State's health scheme deficit.
NHS Nurses Need to Be Well Qualified
Due to European law, a new nurse has to have a degree in Art. This is so that she will be able to draw blood.
Athlete's Foot Pandemic
Speaker Pelosi asks Congress for $100 billion to foot the "fight the fungus" bill for an Athlete's Foot pandemic. Joe the Pharmacist says we already have 100 products at less than a dollar each!
Following the safety scares about pushchairs...
It's good to see that Maclaren finally got their finger out.
"V" remake debuts on television
They're still lizards, but are not as slimey as politicians.
Chaz (Chastity) Bono speaks as a man for first time after sex change operation
During statement, he/she also farted, spit, refused to ask for directions, left the toilet seat up, and scratched his/her new balls.
Quentin Tarantino buys Bordello Falls from The Spoof
Tarantino, pissing in his pants with laughter has bought the Bordello Falls rights, lock, stock & Barrel. Filming will commence soon, he promises blood, whores and Spoof xtras doing the CAN-CAN!
Classifieds - home cinema
For sale, home cinema system, any reasonable offer accepted because the queue for my bathroom has reached twenty people now. And there's no popcorn left in my cupboard.
For sale, one moon. Grab a bargain, only $50. Easy commute to most of the world's cities. TV reception a bit poor, hence priced for quick sale.
2012 bombs at the cinema
New disaster movie 2012 has bombed at cinemas following its release this weekend. "I thought it came out in three years time," said one ignoramus.
Obama Replaces Teleprompter With Karaoke Machine
Struggling in the polls, President Barrack Obama has replaced his teleprompter with a karaoke machine. His speeches are now both senseless and entertaining.
Coma man's request
Typing with the aid of his facilitative communicator therapist, Coma Man has said, "Please give my great therapist a raise, and don't doubt this communication therapy, it's not a scam or anything."
Man bravely admits to unusual addiction
A local man has finally confessed to what his wife and kids have known for years: "I'm like a chocoholic, but for alcohol.", said Bill W. last week.
Doctors announced there is no need to look for a cure for alcoholism, as it's not actually a disease, but "...only a disgusting weakness shared by white trash and the lesser breeds.", they said.
Happy Bidet, Mikey!
Congratulations on your Successful Hemorrhoid Surgery.
Classifieds - Satellite dish
Satellite dish for sale, £30 ono. Highly collectible, 12 inches across, depicts Sputnik. The accompanying mug was broken in 1968.
A prominent Madison Avenue public relations firm has refused to take on House Speaker Pelosi as a client. A spokesman for the firm said "even company's like ours have some ethical standards!"
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