Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 5 May 2009
Paula Abdul Admits Drug Addiction
Paula Abdul admits 12-year-long drug addiction. "Where do you think this stupid smile on my face all the time comes from, an undertaker?"
Another Good Meal Shot!
Former restaurant employee ruins still another good tasting meal by telling what they do with this stuff in back before they send it out to the tables.
Military Expert's Opinion
Military experts: Kim Jong-Il of North Korea has the same haircut as those pinhead freaks you see in a circus.
Maybe Not More Fun
Blind date's remark "You're more fun than a metal-spurred rooster fight" brings date to sudden slapped silly closure.
Nasty Trick Anyway
Everyone doing fine as plane with eleven passengers lands on top of rows of port-o-potties. One ambulance employee had heart attack after everyone lying all along ground jump up and yell, "Surprise!"
Use Triple Block!
FDA warns that an almost automatic erection on an all-nude beach can really cause you some sunburn problems, so put triple amount of sunblock on penis.
What Goes Around
In an ironic twist, former doctor Robert Adkins, who wrote the book on the Adkins Diet, came back as a cow that was slaughtered today to feed people on the Adkins meat diet.
Gore Admits Truth
Former Vice President Al Gore admits that he met his sweetheart and future wife, Tipper, through carbon-dating service.
Grassy Knoll Back
Lyndon Johnson family denies that Rush Limbaugh's video "LBJ On Grassy Knoll, Just Look At Those Ears" of old remastered film is real.
"Go Ahead And Look, Fool!"
Researchers with the help of several excellent hackers reveal that Mr. T's first name is Reginald.
Is It Memorex or Is It Miss "Two-Faced" California
Miss California, Carrie "Goody-Goody" Prejean may lose her Miss California title because of topless photos taken of her fake boobs. She has offered to apologize and give the breast implants back.
Chris Brown's Very Realistic Birthday Cake
Chris Brown celebrated his 20th birthday. Ex-girlfriend Rihanna reportedly sent him a big birthday cake shaped like a jail cell. Hmmmmm.
President Barack Obama and Joan Rivers
President Obama has invited Joan and Melissa Rivers to a White House dinner. The president says he wants Joan to write him some R-Rated one-liners that he can use against Rush "Mush Mouth" Limbaugh.
Airlines Using Imagination
American Airlines plans to charge extra for stewardess to accidentally fall into your lap and twisting around a lot as she tries to get back on her feet.
We Can't Wait
Public Broadcasting says it will be showing a three-day, 72-hour special on it's next money-raising week by showing the full uncut version of "Deciding The 2000 Presidential Vote In Florida"
Airlines New Moneysaving Plot
Major airlines to try to save fuel by climbing higher and then coasting for twenty minutes at a time.
"Exit Poll" Figures
Review of "Exit Polls" in 2008 election shows that only 5% of dead people voted in the last presidential election.
American Indians to test use of firewater in new hybrid casino communal buses.
WB Denies Terrorist Attack
Warner Brothers Yosemite Sam arrested for shooting Mickey, Donald and unknown duck in terrorist attack on "Onery Varmints"
Deluise Family Announcement
The family of Dom Deluise would like to announce the fact that he's done eating now.
Emergency Case In New Jersey
New Jersey protologist's pet monkey quietly slips out of his cage in back room and enters patient's room where he "tears him new one".
Bin Laden Wins LHA Award
The National Limestone Housing Association has named Osama Bin Laden's cave #14 as Limestone House Of The Year!
New Ethnic Coalition
A new coalition of ethnic groups speaks out against all types of stereotyping, except towards rape-killing cannibals.
Wall Paintings In France
Ancient wall paintings inside caves in France show that cave women being dragged by their hair into cave were heavily into S&M.
Republican A Little Negative
Republicans in congress say that Obama has made a terrible mistake if he elects whoever he names next week for the Supreme Court.
Swin Flu Causin Changes
Swine Flu causing several changes as doctor's now tell you to turn your head and "say cheese" instead of "cough". Disney World tells Sneezy to take three weeks off.
Public Service Lesson
Height of cheek: Motorist convicted of driving offences back in court for wearing 4-inch heels to do community service, given a street corner for the night.
Salvatore Goombalini To Pay For The Entire Air Force One Photo-Op
Salvatore Goombalini, owner of The Pizzaman's Photo Shop in Manhattan says he'll pay the entire cost ($328,835) of the recent Air Force One Photo-Op. Sal added, "Dissa way everybody can shut up."
Brown's Buddy Prescott Jokes?
With friends like these... John Prescott jokes that Brown 'has the worst bloody smile in the world', farts like a horse!
Swine Flu Herds In The Fall
British scientists work on swine flu vaccine as experts warn of a larger herd of infections this fall.
Kevin Bacon: source of Swine flu
The American actor, Kevin Bacon, is the alleged source of Mexican swine flu although he denies being a gringo.
The MGM Mirage's New Promotion
The MGM Mirage, has reported losses of 11 percent. The Mirage has already drastically lowered the prices of their rooms and now they will introduce their new promotion, complimentary Viagra.
The Icelandic Navy is Growing
Iceland proudly announces that it will shortly be doubling the size of its navy. The second canoe is expected to arrive from England in about ten days.
Them Georgia Boys Are Hi-Tailing It
Reports coming out of Russia are stating that several troops stationed in Georgia have mutinied. Witnesses report seeing the soldiers running like hell for the Florida border.
England Bans 16 People From Entering Her
England releases list of 16 people banned from entering England for making derogatory remarks toward the country. Fox talk show host Bill O'Reilly is number 12 for referring to Big Ben as Little Ben.
Car Running On Alcohol Easily Spotted
People who were driving on the New Jersey Turnpike yesterday say that car running on alcohol was all over the road.
Poll On Shit List
A recent poll of drug store laxative sales reveals that obesity is America's #2 problem.
Gambinos Bailed Out
Congres agrees to bail out the Gambino family after receiving an offer it could not refuse.
Gore Melting In Museum
Al Gore points out that his own wax image in Madame Tussaud's Museum is actually melting due to global warming. Other visitor's say Gore held match close to it, "to see it better."
Tobacco Company Issues Warning
The Fram's Tobacco Company Economy Packs, Virginia's Best, warn the public that there are traces of real tobacco in there low priced bestseller.
Dam Sabotage Prevented
Four people who were plotting to sabotage one of the largest hydro-electric African dams have been arrested in Mozambique, police say. Apparently beaver whacked flat tail in water, bringing attention.
I'll Risk It, Thanks
A male contraceptive testicle jab could be as effective at preventing pregnancies as the female pill or condoms, work shows. Bur not likely to catch on.
Gogh Gets Gauguin's Goober
Vincent van Gogh did not cut off his own ear but lost it in a naked fight with fellow artist Paul Gauguin in a row outside a brothel, it has been claimed. Gogh apparently then bit off Gauguin's penis.
Hyundai Tit Totaled
New test-car 125 Miles Per Gallon, Hyundai Tit completely totaled after running into back of Amish buggy. No one in buggy hurt.
ABC's New "Dancing With The Stars" Spinoff Show
Reports are that Kim Jong il, Hugo Chavez, and Ann Coulter have been signed to star in the new ABC spinoff of "Dancing With The Stars" entitled, "Dancing With The Stupids."
Mexico's Swine Flu Bill: $2.2 Billion (U.S.)
Mexico has stated that the Swine Flu has cost the Mexican economy $2.2 billion or roughly the equivalent of 1.6 billion cheese tacos.
Elizabeth Edward's Scary-As-Hell Phone Call
It has just been revealed that when Elizabeth Edwards first learned of her husband John's extra-marital affair she immediately called up Lorena Bobbitt for advice.
BBC Wins,Gongs, Goose
The BBC News website has scooped two gongs and a golden goose in this year's Webby Awards, which reward excellence on the net.
Israel Must Be Divided
US Vice-President Joe Biden has said Israel must back a two-state solution to the conflict with the Palestinians. Israelis say Biden's hairplugs have gone to his brain.
Swine Flu Fleeing By Flight
Dozens of Mexicans quarantined in China because of fears they may be infected with swine flu are fleeing by being flown home on a specially-chartered Flying Mexican Flu-plane.
National Security Agency Needed
The head of America's National Security Agency says that America needs to build a digital warfare force for the future, according a report that also contained an ass print.
Swat Valley Evacuated
Residents of Pakistan's Swat Valley, named after the 4-inch horseflies there, are reported to be fleeing their homes despite authorities canceling an order for them to leave because of the Taliban.
And The Supremes
President Barack Obama names Diana Ross as the next person to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court.
Arby's Big Sandwich Name Change
Arby's announces that in order to get away from the unfavorable connotations associated with the word ham that they will be changing the name of all of their ham sandwiches to hamster sandwiches.
The Amish Solution To Swine Flu
An Amish leader in Ohio has said that he has the perfect solution for getting rid of swine flu. He said that you take the swine and boil it in a pot for five hours.
David Blaine's Greatest Disappearing Trick
Magician David Blaine is planning the greatest disappearing trick of all time. He plans to take Wynonna Judd, Oprah Winfrey, and Kirstie Alley and make all of their fat disappear.
Cleveland Gets Its Drinking Water From Lake Erie
Cleveland Public Schools have been told to take all of their bacon, ham, sausages, filet mignon, and pork rinds and toss them into Lake Erie. A cook asked, "But isn't Lake Erie our water supply?"
You Cannot Eat Greenpeace
The Greenpeace organization is suing Del Monte Foods claiming that their product name green peas sounds too much like their organization's name.
Egypt Announces It Will Destroy Its Entire Pig Population
Reports coming out of Cairo say that an Egyptian army platoon was attacked by a pack of pigs and nine soldiers received second and third degree pork rind bites.
McDonald's - Just Say No To Swine
Due to the swine flu epidemic, McDonald's has announced that it is immediately removing its McSwineNuggets from its children's meal.
Obama Not Criticizing NRA
The National Rifle Association claims that they have secretly filmed President Obama shooting basketballs, his wad.
County Bore Can't Be Legally Tossed Out
County Bore in Indiana once again clears out an entire library one at a time with his story of Abraham Lincoln once seen there by one of his great, great Uncle's brother-in-law.
Would-Be Movie Stars
FOX television crew visiting and video taping Minnesota High School for a possible TV movie, sets off another round of class shootings.
Priest Retires Early
Confessional priest in Cleveland, Ohio, able to retire at 37 after many in his faithful flock kick in good pile of cash.
Wife Fails In Attempt
Local wife in St. Petersburg, Florida wearing thong to bed, fails to excite her husband, a proctologist.
Forest Service Closings
Forest Service closes caves to stop bat fungus, outdoor trail outhouses to control butt fungus.
Obama's Surprise Choice For Supreme Court
Preident Obama, making an unusual choice, names his Mother-In-Law to Supreme Court. "Sorry, Mom, you'll have to leave White House."
Americans Have More Mental Illness
Study: More Americans taking drugs for mental illness, brought on by taking too many drugs.
Brits Published Banned List
Britain publishes list of people banned from entering country, Prince Charles at the top of the list, if he ever leaves.
Iranian Prez Meets Palestinians
Iranian president to meet Palestinians in Syria to discuss Israel, United States, the twelfth imam, all-out nuclear war, last night's Letterman.
One Child Apparently Left
President Barack Obama has pledged to overhaul the George Bush "No Child Left Behind" law. "I don't cre if it does work, I want my own law with MY name on it, whined Obama.
Everything Under Control
President Mikhail Saakashvili says a mutiny in a tank battalion based near Georgia's capital is an isolated case and the situation in the country is fully under control, except for mutiny of the Navy.
Just A Party Mishap
An attack Monday on a wedding party in Turkey killed over 41 people, according to the office of Mardin's governor, Mehmet Kiliclar ruled out terrorists, saying, "Bunch of kids with too much to drink."
Originnal Song Objected To
Authorities arrested seven people involved in a fight during karaoke at a Miami restaurant. Sheriff's Sgt. David Thompson said a man became upset when they wouldn't let him finish "The Shitwagon Flu".
Cinco de Cuatro?
President Barack Obama's joke wasn't lost in translation - even though he referred to a Cinco de Mayo celebration as "Cinco de Cuatro." "At least ir was better than Bush'd "Cinco de Bozo".
Mexico Over Flu Shutdown
Mexico gets some bustle back after flu shutdown. Back to traveling in groups, no masks and coughing their heads off.
The fight is "On"
Chicken farmers are working on a new "Breast and wing" flu, in order to complete with the publicity of the "swine flu". They hope to kill more and prove how chicken meat is potent
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