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That explains everything...

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones hospitalized after injury in collapse while inspecting damage at Cowboys practice stadium. Surgeons discover he has primitive 3-chambered reptilian heart.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 May 2009
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Snippet writer, or just a name dropper?

Spoof writer publishes breaking news snippet just to use clever name for ex-smoker. "I don't see what the big deal is," said Nicoretta Jones nervously. "It's just a name."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 04 May 2009
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Watch Out!

Just heard on the news that Sarah Palin was being given a HYPE-HOURED rifle.

written by jkfields, 04 May 2009
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He's Definitely Got It

Man who came back from Mexico hospitalized after constantly talking and snorting about all the truffles he rooted out there.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Warning: This Is Spooky

People in Boogertown, Tennessee say that on a clear full moon lit night, you can still hear ghostly farts coming from the site where the old Ames outhouse stood.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Mexico Lowers Threat Level

Mexico saysits number of Swine Flu victims ebbing, lowers alert level to "Mildly Hot but Spicy".

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Obama Cracks Down On Lookholes

President Barack Obama proposed Monday to raise taxes on the overseas profits of U.S. companies and to go after evaders who abuse offshore tax shelters. Doesn't mention politicians who forget to pay.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Nuns For Charity

Dressed as nuns, runners raced through London Saturday to raise money for a national children's charity. The run was sponsored by the musical "Sister Act,". The winner was Marc Almond.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Google's New Competition

The biggest internet revolution will be out this month with the launch of software that will understand questions and give clear, specific, tailored answers never managed before. Chicken came first.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Limbaugh Criticizes Boyle

Rush Limbaugh says he hopes Susan Boyle loses. "A big fat ugly person like that should not become a celebrity."

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Swine Flu Could Change NFL Rules

The National Football League has announced that if the Swine Flu reemerges this fall, players will have to play without huddles.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Japanese Robot Blows Up

Japanese robot butler refuses to answer lady when asked if her outfit made her ass look big. After asking it three times, it explodes.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Birds Can Dance

Researchers discover that birds can dance to today's music, especially chickens on heated floors.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Susan Boyle Having Problems

Scottish spinster Susan Boyle kicked off television lot after having expensive makeover, as no one recognized her.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Congress Agree On BCS Ratings

Congress has finally agreed to drop all the arguments over the college BCS football ratings. "Half of the players will be down with Swine Flu by fall, anyway."

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Four-Letter Word Allowed

Supreme Court ruled 5 to 4 in favor of the FCC's "zero tolerance" policy regarding expletives uttered on television networks. The only four-letter word allowed will be "Beep!"

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Zardari Says Bin Laden May Be Dead

Pakistan's President, Asif Ali Zardari says that Osama Bin Laden could be dead or "at least he's moved to a different cave."

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Pelosi Loses Voice

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi loses voice after trying to scream about Bush involvement in torture of prisoners as republicans loudly fake coughs and sneezes of Swine Flu.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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US Navy Doing Good Job

United States Nuclear submarine takes out pirates off coast of Somalia by emerging under them, street venders of Chinese CD's in New York City by torpedo down Broadway.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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French Dislike Merger

U.S. auto company Chrysler's merge with French car has many French investors throwing a Fiat.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Harriet 'Hitler' Harman, comedienne

Harriet Harman says she does not want to be Prime Minister. In political speak that would be a 'yes' then!

written by IN SEINE, 04 May 2009
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White House Denies Napolitano Claim

A senior executive office official has denied claims that Judge Andrew P. Napolitano is being considered for the High Court. "Someone serious about the Constitution at the High Court? Please?!?"

written by J.K. Baltzersen, 04 May 2009
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The Swine Flu Jumps The Pacific Ocean

The Swine Flu has crossed the Pacific Ocean. Japanese World Health Organization officials are referring to it by its official Japanese name...The Swine Fru.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
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The Hurrricane Katrina Mystery Finally Solved

Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Lou Dobbs have all agreed that Hurricane Katrina was caused by the Swine Flu.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
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Mexico's Fabulous "Free Deal"

Mexico concerned that tourism has fallen off by 90 percent promises all tourists that if they contact swine flu while vacationing in Mexico their hotel room, meals, and drinks will all be free.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
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The Biggest Food Stamp Collection In The Nation

Remi Lindlawn of Valdosta, Georgia, an unemployed ice cream man has the largest food stamp collection in America. At last count Remi had 7,432,191 food stamps.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
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The Broken Sound Barrier

The first woman to break the sound barrier in a jet was Jacqueline Cochran. The first woman to break the sound barrier without a jet was Begonia "Machine Gun Mouth" Washburn.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
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The Original Rubberbands

When rubberbands were first invented they were actually made out of wire. But that idea changed real quick.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
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The # 1 Selling Pinata In The World

The Mexican Pinata Company, which is the largest in the world, has just announced that the biggest selling pinatas are swine pinatas followed by Lou Dobbs, George Bush, and Simon Cowell.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 May 2009
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Clarkson Bushed?

GW Bush today said that Top Gear host, Jeremy Clarkson be reprimanded for saying that most Americans are 600 pound idiots. He was quick to point out that the American currency is actually the dollar.

written by The SSaint, 04 May 2009
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This Day In History

This day in 1836, Charles Darwin saw a monkey that looked exactly like his Aunt Edith. When he yelled, "Edith?" the monkey stopped and threw shit at him, EXACTLY like Aunt Edith. Evolution was born!

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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No Swine Flu Among Pirates

A representative of the Somali pirates has told the World Health Organization that none of them have the Swine Flu although three have recently died of scurvy.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Wildlife Protester Killed

A wildlife conservationist was killed yesterday during a protest in the Congo after handcuffing himself to a rhinoceros.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Obama Boston Speech

President Obama in a speech in Boston yesterday stated that America is a land of equal opportunity for everyone, but especially for us rich folks, to a standing ovation.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Veggie Heads Win

Ricardo Martinelli, a right-wing supermarket tycoon won Panama's presidential election, reversing a recent trend of left-wing victories in Latin America, who are calling his followers, Veggie Heads.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Just Needs A Transplant

An Australian teenage girl has been given permission by a court to have both breasts surgically removed to more closely resemble a boy. Calls Elaine Bobbit.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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SKorean Warship Rescues NKoreans

A South Korean navy warship has foiled a pirate attack on a North Korean cargo ship off Somalia's coast, military officials in Seoul say. Kim Jung Il refuses to here of event. Places fingers in ears.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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EU Economies, Country Shrink

EU economies will contract by 4% this year, the European Commission has forecast, in a massive revision from its earlier prediction. Whole area of Iceland shrinks 10%

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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NYC School Re-Opens

Students back at New York City school after swine flu scare, repeatedly being told by teachers to quit joking loud squealing and grunts.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Italian PM Demands Apology

Facing a divorce threat, Premier Silvio Berlusconi was quoted Monday as saying he doesn't know if he wants to patch up his marriage and demanding a public apology from his wife, Aphrodite.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Big Three Having Problems

Nepal's prime minister resigns. Guyana calls emergency meeting to deal with obscurity. Suriname trying to reassure the United Nations that it's a real country.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Greenpeace Criticizes Reporters

Mississippi woman killed by tree as storms cross Southeast. Report criticized by Greenpeace. "Where are all the headlines when a logger kills a tree?" one asks.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Flu Under Control?

A leading U.S. health expert said Monday "although there are encouraging signs of a leveling off of swine flu threat, it's not completely under control. May come back & bite our ass this fall!"

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Mexico Complains About Foreign Quarantines

Mexico criticizes 'repressive' quarantines abroad. Shouldn't be isolated just because of being Mexican. None reported with flu....although nearly 350 had bags of cocaine up their ass.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Pakistan Peace Deal Under Fire

The Pakistan peace deal is under fire amid attacks, bombings, riots, burnings and assassinations, otherwise holding it's own.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Obama Hits Remaining U.S. Companies

Obama wants to end tax rules that now save companies $190 billion. "No time like the present to run off and destroy more American companies", says President.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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What A Relief

Was the alarm over swine flu justified? Swine Flu may only be as dangerous as regular flu, which claims only 20,000-40,000 people's lives every year, says expert.

written by Bureau, 04 May 2009
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Sunspot Mystery Solved

The mystery of the sun's missing spots has been solved. NASA reports the Hubble Space Telescope imaged a 200-million long tube of pimple cream floating in space near the sun.

written by Hydrogen Balloon, 04 May 2009
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Obama Threatens to Send Teleprompter to Gitmo

An anonymous executive office source says the Prez has threatened to send the Presidential teleprompter to Gitmo. If the teleprompter doesn't pull itself together, it will go, and Gitmo stays open.

written by J.K. Baltzersen, 04 May 2009
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