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Rating:

Big Find In The Congo

Archaeologists say they have found the lower plate of a ten million year old homo erectus in the mouth of a native in the Congo. Buy him some new teeth.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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The Mother Of All Anacondas

A giant anaconda has been found in Kenya that is believed to be the one to have swallowed the small town of Lokichogio.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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A Bit Cheeky

Swine flu is threatening a national custom. Lebanese should stop greeting each other with kisses to the cheek, Health Minister Mohammad Khalifeh told a news conference. "But on the face should be OK."

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Toilets Saves Life!

A small airplane dropping from the sky in Washington after its engine failed, wound up on a cushioning bunch of portable toilets, & the pilot was able to walk away apparently unhurt, but very smelly.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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On Replacing Souter

"President Obama's search to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter should extend beyond current federal judges & senators from both political parties", hinted Hillary Clinton yesterday.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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FBI After Edwards

Senator John Edwards, whose political action committee paid more than $100,000 to his mistress' company, acknowledged Sunday that the FBI were looking into how he handled his campaign funds, women.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Skeptics Raise Questions

A notebook hidden by Harry Houdini has been found in a NYC apartment wall panel. In it, Houdini described how you can staple your own stomach to lose weight by swallowing this whole pack of lies.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Environmentalists Welcome Swine Flu Pandemic

We hope a swine flu pandemic will wipe out large portions of the human population, environmentalists say. "This will be a golden opportunity to go back to production methods of yesteryear."

written by J.K. Baltzersen, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Accidents Will Happen

According to a new poll, one out of every 100,000 men taking Viagra has accidentally poked his partner's eye out.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Voting Booths Attacked In Ecuador

The squirrel monkey was voted the official symbolic monkey of Ecuador yesterday narrowly edging out the spider monkey, as howler monkeys run riot, tearing up many voting booths.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

"Dad Likes You Best"

Former President George W. Bush ran naked during his morning jog on his ranch in Crawford and no one paid the least attention to him. "Not even daddy", says Bush. "Curse that Bill Clinton!"

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

On This Date In 1952

On this date in 1952, ten thousand people held up mirrors at such an angle that a man in NYC atop the Empire State Building could see his girlfriend in a bikini in Malibu and wave at each other.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Buggy Updates

The Redco Buggy Company who sell mostly to the Amish and Breakaway Mormon groups say their buggies now have their own GPS tracking systems.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

White House Denies Respect for Constitution

A spokesman of the executive office denied allegations made earlier today that the White House respects the Constitution. Such claims are utterly preposterous and ridiculous, the spokesman said.

written by J.K. Baltzersen, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Obama To The Rescue!

Australia orders probe into mouse plague as President Obama heads there tomorrow in an attempt to try to pipe them away from the cities.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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EcoAmerica Spokesman Moondog

The problem with global warming, some environmentalists believe, is "global warming." "It turns people off" stated a member of ecoAmerica. "Maybe we should refer to it as 'Earth Shine'."

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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NSA Denies Existence

A spokesman for NSA - No Such Agency - denies his existence. I am no such spokesman, he said. "I don't exist."

written by J.K. Baltzersen, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Joe Biden, Riden'

One day after saying he wouldn't travel in tight quarters because of the swine flu scare, Vice President Joe Biden rode a train Friday from Washington to Delaware, where a drunk pissed on his shoes.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Italian PM Tops

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who has compared himself to Jesus Christ and Napoleon, boasted on Friday that he was the world's most popular leader. Foes hoping he'll chose Muhammad next.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Swine Flu Cancels NYC Event

New York City organizers for the Cinco de Mayo festival in Queens have decided to postpone this weekend's event, turning away nearly 750 people, because of the Swine Flu.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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General Motors "Beep-Beep" Chrysler

General Motors announces it is following Chrysler in filing for bankruptcy. In other surprising news, Mt. Everest is very tall, the North Pole is very cold, and Amy Winehouse is very strange.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Ole! Ole! Ole! You Swine Flu Matadors

Lou Dobb's has suggested that the swine flu actually came about as a result of Mexican bullfighters drinking too much salsa wine.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
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North Korean Leader Asks For American Bailout

North Korean leader Kim Jong il says that he wants to build another rocket. He confessed that he is short of funds and asks the United States for a bailout.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
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America's First Circus

The very first circus in the United States was established in 1793. It had three clowns, a juggler, and 543 buffaloes.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
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Oprah "An Aha Moment" Winfrey

Oprah Winfrey is suing the Mutual of Omaha Bank claiming that they are illegally using her phrase, 'An aha moment.' Meanwhile the estate of Harpo Marx is suing Oprah for using the Harpo name.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Amy Winehouse's 100 Yard Injunction

A judge has issued a statement stating that the paparazzi must not get within 100 yards of Amy Winehouse. The paparazzi beg the judge to please make it 200 yards.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
Rating:

California Earthquakes Soon To Be A Thing of The Past

The state of California has just voted to take bids to have the San Andreas Fault fixed. Governor Schwarzenegger says that once the fault is fixed it should virtually eliminate all earthquakes.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
Rating:

The Swine Flu's New Name

The World Health Organization has decided to stop using the term 'Swine Flu.' They said that 300,000 pigs are being needlessly slaughtered in Eqypt. So the new name will now be the 'Spider Flu.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Chrysler's Christmas Party Fund

Since Chrysler has gone bankrupt, the board of directors has decided to take the $79,000 they had in the Christmas Party Fund and buy some used camels.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Miss California's Freebies

Miss California, Carrie Prejean was reportedly given free breast implants by beauty pageant officials. Wow, remember back when the contestants received scholarships and earrings.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Limbaugh Hospitalized

Rush Limbaugh is recovering in a Florida hospital after having an allergic reaction to a bee stinging him in his booth on Friday, causing him to swell up to the size of a horse.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Pinata Flu Outbreak

A new strain of Pinata Flu has broken out in Mexico causing ten thousand pinata's to be taken down and beaten to death by angry kids who got no candy.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

VP Biden Being Overlooked

Vice President Joe Biden, ignored for three months, came to his office without any pants Friday. Then, put his pants back on after no one seemed to notice.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Sharpton Actually Only Weighs 150 Pounds

Al Sharpton takes over an hour to remove medallions, rings, chains, etc at New York airport causing many to miss flight.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Some Banks Unsafe

Customers at a small bank in West Virginia become alarmed as bank also offers tanning booths, weight-lifting rooms, casino, speak-easy in the back rooms.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Magician David Blaine Plans New Stunt

David Blaine, famous for stunts and illusions, will spend a week wallowing in the mud, eating slop with pigs in Mexico!

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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General Quits Army

General quits Army over affair with young aide . . . and walks into a six-figure defense job with 18-year-old secretary.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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"Pitchman" Sullivan Child Labor Scandal

His infomercial features Ima Lourde, West Palm Beach, FL, who makes good on claim that Swivel Sweeping 3000 is "so easy a child can use it." Arrested on child labor charges involving the device.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Enjoy Holiday

Enjoy the last of the Bank Holiday sunshine today as the rain, Swine Flu outbreak, will be back on Monday.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Expensive Media Courses

Ministers who spent £30,000 on media courses in how NOT to answer questions refuse to answer charges.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Brown Threw Tantrum

Revealed: How Gordon Brown threw a tantrum during a TV interview, and had to be cuddled and rocked by Lord Mandelson.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Shocked Demand

As Labour plotters plan to replace Brown, Charles Clarke's shock demand: Ed's Balls must be sacked!

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Tsunami Once Hit New York

Scientists say a huge wave crashed into the NYC region 2,300 years ago, dumping sediment and shells across Long Island and New Jersey and casting wood debris, mafia victims far up the Hudson River.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Berlusconi's Wife Asks For Divorce

The wife of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has confirmed that she will file for divorce. "One can only take so many embarrassments", states First Lady.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Pig Farmers Battle Egyptian Authorities

Pig farmers have clashed with police in Cairo as they try to stop their animals being taken for slaughter, plus three very fat kids missing, reports say.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Cameras Reveal Heat

Scientists reveal how thermal-imaging cameras can spot those with flu fevers, red-hot mamas at airports.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Virus Looking Less Threatening

Swine flu virus starting to look less threatening. Experts warn it could return in big way in the fall as "The Playing-Possum Flu".

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Jack Kemp Dead

Jack Kemp, famous football star quarterback and politician, passes after one last "Hail Mary".

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Suspected Pirates Arrested

Report: 3 suspected pirates arrested in Seychelles. Each had wooden leg, parrot on the shoulder, eye patch, hook for hand and were spotted drinking rum.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Mine That Bird Wins

"Mine That Bird" pulls off upset in Kentucky Derby. Narrowly defeats "Parakeet Dead In The Mines" and "The Bird Has Flu".

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
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Spain #1 In Swine Flu

Spain leads Europe in swine flu cases with 20. Shouts of "We're #1" heard throughout hospital wards, amid coughing.

written by Bureau, 03 May 2009
Rating:

John Prescott admits to 'undressing' 450 students at one time!

Labour's John Prescott admitted last night on BBC radio 4 to "undressing" 450 students with Eddie Izzard and Ed Millibrand. On the back of a bus too!

written by IN SEINE, 03 May 2009
Rating:

Swine Flu Epidemic Traced to Fabled Chupacabra

Ramon Payaso of El Campamento, Mexico sighted beast 3 weeks ago. While inspecting its porcine victims, he exposed himself to swine flu virus, now believed to have originated in the chupacabra.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 03 May 2009
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