Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 19 May 2009
Differnces Of Opinion
A new study of the belief in global warming around the world, shows that people are becoming more polarized than ever.
Harass Pulled From Race
In the 5th race tomorrow at Churchill downs, the owners of Harass has withdrawn their horse until he was seen limping slightly today. So, in the 5th at Churchill Downs, be sure to scratch Harass.
Pinocchio Barely Wins
In the seventh at Churchill Downs Monday, Pinocchio wins a close one by a nose.
Village Idiots Not Really Idiots
British study reveals that almost twenty-five percent of all Village Idiots are illegal aliens, not really idiots, just cannot understand English.
Cockroach Study Completed
Three scientists working together in Warsau, Poland say they have managed to clone a cockroach.
Keebler An Above Standards Product
The Food & Drug Administration says that less than one half of one percent of Keebler products have mouse, elf droppings.
Parents Magazine Report
Report form Parent's Magazine: Home-schooled children have much better attendance records than those in public schools.
Oil Being Horded
Recent discovery of oil in southern China being horded by Chinese hordes, says Japan.
Hubble Bubble Toil 'n' Trouble...
Astronuts repair NASA's broken telescope, hexed by naked diaper-wearing International Space Station siren Lisa Nowak
Scientists unveil ancient primate fossil
We think it's the first Archbishop of Canterbury a source at the Unnatural Hystery Museum commented.
They do not make them like they used to
A Ledbury woman who dug up a Victorian gold watch in a garden, among a hoard of thousands of other antiques, claims it was still ticking and keeps perfect time.
Robert Mugabe Follows Trump's Suit
As Donald Trump is to sue a writer for claiming that he is a millionaire and not a billionaire, Robert Mugabe is doing just the same thing (except to several thousand writers to make up the exchange rate)!
Neil Horan to join Irish girl-group 'Bewitched'
Ex Priest and sane person Neil Horan of 'Puddledance' fame is to join 'Bewitched' on their latest come-back tour. He will be wearing the 'cape' an 'kilt' but teaming it with a denim outfit.
Vice President toured Eastern Kentucky's underground coal mines today. With all the hair plugs and coal soot, looks exactly like Buckwheat on Little Rascals.
St. .Larry's Day
United States, Briton bars say they will be open and for everyone to come by and help them celebrate Saint Larry's Day!
US Unemployment drops
April unemployment drops in America as hundreds of job seekers outsource themselves to India.
We're In Good Hands
FBI agent discovers a CIA agent has broken into his house and copied his records while he was out breaking into CIA agants house, copying records.
Bedbugs Becoming Couchbugs
A new breed of bedbug have recently been discovered in several apartments in NYC and also hotels. Now they're in people's homes, but appear to prefer coaches with fat munchies eaters.
Gitmo Prisoner's Story
A former Gitmo prisoner say they were all taken to a boat that went under Niagara Falls and thirty were water boarded at the same time, one escaped in barrel.
Huge Iceberg Melts
American scientists say that an iceberg the size of Oprah Winfrey's lost fat has completely melted.
Plus They Were All Named Patsy
Camera guy for new "Girls Gone Wild: Mud Wrestling" not seen or heard from after filming two years ago.
Colas Cause Weak Bones
Drinking too much cola can cause weak bones and even paralysis, experts warn. Better stay with scotch and bourbon.
"Acts Of Great Stupidy"
Motorist whose best friend died while hitching a lift on his bicycle at 25mph is jailed for 'act of great stupidity'. Several MP's up on the same charge.
Investments Down A Turd
U.S. investors still staying away as many view Bernie Madoff scam the leading cause of investments being down by a turd.
The Mustang Ranch's New Promotion
The Mustang Ranch in Nevada is really getting hit hard due to the nation's faltering economy. The brothel's general manager has initiated a new promotion..."Buy a girl and get two Big Macs free."
GPS Systems Worrying Some
GPS satellite system close to breakdown and could fail by 2010 or earlier, leading motorists straight into the Channel.
Prostitutes Remove Signs
With Reno and Las Vegas prostitutes having a recession also, most have removed signs that say, "You Must Be This Big To Enter Here".
A Barney Frank By Any Other Name
Congressman Barney Frank of Massachusetts has decided to change his name to the more politically correct Barney Wiener.
The Green River Police Pups
The Police Department of Green River, Wyoming in an effort to save money on dog food is selling their three German Shepherd police dogs and replacing them with Pomeranians.
It is now official. The Fox News Network has just become part of the GOP National Committee. A Fox spokesperson said, "Hey, we just realized that we weren't fooling anyone, anyway, so what the heck."
The Bolivian Astronaut
Bolivia has just announced that they are firing their only astronaut. A spokesperson for the Bolivian Space Agency BOLIAIR said that the astronaut began acting extremely 'spacey.'
That's Life For You!
One-Chance-In-Ten-Million Super Ten State Lottery Winner gets crushed by huge fallen chuck of iced commode contents from airplane flying overhead.
Brooklyn Bridge Birthday
The Brooklyn Bridge will celebrates 126th anniversary and over 2000th sale to the gullible this week.
Gay Marriage Approved
A new survey says that gay marriages now have almost 100% approval, just as long as it's one lesbian marrying one gay man.
Coal Company Promises
The nation's leading coal producers talking it up about producing "clean Coal". "Will allow soot to come down as rainbow Skittles!"
America On Right Track
New Poll: Nearly 90 percent of all Americans believe we are now on the right track, for a depression.
Rapper's death "not the first, won't be the last"
Rapper Dolla has been pronounced dead after being shot outside a mall. Although rushed to hospital, Dolla's condition was described as "no change". Music fans are hoping for another bulletin' soon.
Two Mergers Out
Porsche and VW merger 'in doubt'. Also, Hummer and Segway merger 'no doubt'.
Last Tiananmen "Holligan" Released
China frees the last activist still jailed for "hooliganism" relating to Tiananmen Square democracy movement. Like over 100 released earlier, he says that HE was the one who stood in front of tanks.
Moat claim MP suffering from "Turrets Syndrome"
Former Tory minister Douglas Hogg is to stand down as an MP at the next general election, to spend more time repelling invaders from his country pile. His expenses also included oil and a cauldron.
US Judge Delays Sentencing
A US judge has postponed the sentencing of a woman who used a fictional online personality to bully a 13-year-old girl, after he receives an email from her that caused his hair to turn white.
Fossil Connents Us All Up
The remains of a 47-million-year-old, lemur-like creature have been unveiled in the US. The fossil is claimed to be a "missing link" between today's Simon Cowells & more distant relatives like Regis.
Clinton Headed For Haiti
Former President Bill Clinton is being sent to Haiti as a U.S. Representative. Clinton was a natural choice after he turned Al Gore into a zombie over ten years ago.
Sierra Leone's Rolling Rock
Two people are killed and many injured by a huge boulder rolling down the hilltops overlooking Sierra Leone's capital. A couple of Palestinians in the area are being questioned.
Californians To Vote
Californians vote on budget woes today. Top issue: Should California issue it's own money, the "Forn"?
Drinking cola "hollows out the body"
Once consumed, popular colas "eat the drinker from the inside out," according to one doctor. "Whoa!" responded a cola manufacturer, "That's totally hokey, totally. Knees bend, arms stretch, ra ra ra."
Fox chickens out of Terminator TV series
Fox has axed Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. The broadcaster expects the show to recover, be blown apart, stand up again, be dismembered and re-assemble, before being kicked into an acid vat.
Sarah Palin's View On Russia
Governor Sarah Palin remarked that now that a lot of the snow has melted she can really see Russia a lot better from her front porch.
Nancy Pelosi is State Shopping
Nancy Pelosi has said that she is planning on purchasing the state of California, which is on the brink of bankruptcy. Pelosi said her first act would be to impeach Governor Schwarzenegger.
The New Baskin-Robbins Flavor?
Baskin-Robbins is denying the rumor that they will be replacing one of their 31 flavors with a new flavor named after the hip hop rapper 'Flavor Flav'.
War on terror won with racial slur!
It has been revealed that a racial slur convinced bin laden to give up. We'ed say more, but there isn't much to say about it.
Bozo's Last Days
Close friends of Bozo the Clown who died last year say they often witnessed him walking around, honking to himself.
They're Finally Back
Heavy Rock Group, AC/BC get back together to do their first tour in 10,000 years.
Americans Not Spending
Study reveals that Americans are not only not spending their stimulus package money but also, very few paying attention to change to daylight Saving Time.
Doc Taking Bribes
Doctor arrested for taking bribes from male patients to tell their wives that "Oral Sex" was the only way they could be cured.
A new study shows that the United States leads the world once again in the number of pets that have found their way back home.
Swedish win Eurovision Frond Contest
Sweden has been crowned King of Compost. The contest is always held on the winner's home turf. Next year, the contest is to be held in Chelsea, but on turf imported from the Swedish town of Mailmerj.
"Toil And Trouble"
Local witch in Newport, Rhode Island arrested for trying to poke out visiting Newt Gingrich's eye.
Pope Pretty Sure
Pope Benedict XVI says that he could be wrong but that he's pretty sure he's infallible.
"In The Pocket"
Armchair quarterback claims that it's his wife and daughter who in usually "in the pocket".
Minister's U-turn in red light law causes prostitute pile-up
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith stands accused of back-pedalling her policy on men who pay for sex. Solicitors Union spokesperson Poppy Project denies Smith's conjugals that her "husband was map-reading."
Ethiopean Army In Somalia
Ethiopian military forces have crossed back into Somalia, barely three months after leaving, witnesses told the BBC. Claim they took a wrong turn in Eritrea.
Cleaner Cars, Trucks
Browner: New rules to provide cleaner cars, trucks. Each must go through car wash to enter, leave country.
Biden Reveals Secret Location
Biden reveals location of super-secret 9/11 bunker. "I figured he'd never be able to keep his mouth shut", states Dick Cheney.
Obama Won't Meet With Governor
President Obama refuses to meet with Governor Gibbons of Nevada about tourism comments, "You'll come back wearing a barrel".
Rap DJ to replace "embattled" Michael Martin
The House of Commons Speaker is to be "pimped" by rap DJ Westwood: "Woofer and Tweeter, I'm replacin' the Speaker." In 2006, the DJ accused Tory leader David Cameron's face of encouraging knife crime.
The 'Hum' Has Been around Longer Than Thought
It is believed that the 'Hum' is a legacy from the Royal Air Force, in WWII days when they used to quote "Beware of the hum in the sun!". Sorry, that should have been "Beware of the HUN in the sun!"
Beware of the 'Hum'
According to scientists, the 'hum', as it is known, can have devastating effects to those who hear it. However, those who smell it can suffer even more!
"Don't stop 'til you get enough" financial advisors warn Jacko
Thermoplastic "King of Pop" Michael Jackson has confirmed a seven-year residency at London's O2 Arena, starting 8th July. Advisors Gamble and Huff say tickets will cost up to £75, but kids are free.
Sri Lankan government claims Scrabble victory after 26-year game
Mahinda Rajapaksa has claimed Scrabble victory over Velupillai Prabhakaran after the Sri Lankan leader penned the Tamil Tigers leader into a 20x20-metre square of jungle away from a triple word score.
Two Hams Say Laughter Is best Medicine for Swine Flu
Comedy team and Swine Flu victims Steven Blump and Marcus Greenfelder are infecting audiences with their midwest comedy tour. "This show is bound to give you give fever and fits" says Blump.
Pelosi Making Wake
Nancy Pelosi accuses CIA of lying about water boarding. "They told me using a towel and chair would keep my balance on the board better."
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