Spoof news snippets from Monday 18 May 2009
Earliest Michelangelo Identified
The very earliest Michelangelo has been identified. He was Al Michelangelo who lived in Milan in 650 BC.
New Food Warnings
Major food industry announces that anything bought from them should be boiled for at least 15 minutes.
Scientists Halve Predictions
Scientist's prediction of sea level rises for global warming cut in half. Warning: Head for the molehills!!
Another Calif. Earthquake
Glass shattered and ceiling tiles fell as a moderate tremor shook laid-back Southern California, rattling residents' nerves and reminding them they need to update earthquake emergency & funeral plans.
Obama Links Emissions
President Obama to link auto emissions and mileage standards auto emissions and mother-in-laws bedroom window.
No Plans To Cap Pay
Geithner: There are no plans to cap executive pay as long as you stay in your proper place and come running when called.
Limbaugh Confronts Global Warming
Rush Limbaugh says that upper-class tax cuts are the only thing that will save us all from global warming.
"Louie, Louie" Finally Deciphered
Forty years later the lyrics to "Louie, Louie" have finally been deciphered. "You had to play it alongside "Karma Chameleon" for it really to make sense", say linguists.
Anti-Social Security Plan
President Obama announced this afternoon that after June 30th this year, no anti-social gun-bearing right wing group will receive any social security.
Israel Bombs Sweden
Israeli planes bombed a section of Sweden this morning where Abba reunion taking place, after Abba/Abbas mix-up.
Sports Guy Kidnapped
Western sports commentator kidnapped in Islamabad, Pakistan after being overheard saying that Mohammad's real name was Cassius Clay.
Hermit Settlement Empty
In an island off the U.S. coasts of Washington and Oregon, the country's largest settlement of hermits have cleared out, each one to his own way.
Auicide Bombers Protest
Several suicide bombers protested "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day" this morning by blowing themselves up.
Workaholic Dad Very Busy
Workaholic NYC dad spends the whole day begging in dark glasses, rattling cup and white stick while spending evenings picking pocketing among crowds
Ms. Bonnie's Class Doing Well
Students in Ms. Bonnie's class making excellent grades on such a variety of subjects as "That Asshole Principal" and "Fanny, The Gossip Of The Whole Neighborhood."
New VP Stats
After only four months in office, a survey shows that "shootings in the face by a Vice President" are already down 100%.
Mars Probe Shows Skeleton
The Mars Probe came unstuck today and sent back clear photos of human skeleton sitting in a lawn chair among flattened balloons.
Calif. Guv Cuts Budget
California Governor Schwarzenegger has cut the state's budget by using top college professors to teach 32 universities at a time by live hook-ups, guy at each location with a bullhorn.
Farmers Make Breakthrough
Kentucky farmers say they have recorded a breakthrough in the growth of hydroponic poke greens the year around. Next project: Hydroponic wild onions, dry land fish.
Sleeping Can Help You Lose Weight
Experts say sleeping more could help you lose some weight! For instance, sleeping for a week can help you lose average 20 pounds, your life, if not hooked up to liquid.
Father Jailed For Whipping Children
Devout Christian father-of-three jailed for whipping children with riding crop. "Just trying to show them what the Taliban would do."
Mother Shops Son
Mother shopped drug dealer son after opening 15kg parcel of cannabis worth £30,000 sent to him from South Africa. Son says there was originally 30kg.
Balls Showing His Balls
Home loan 'error' by Labour's golden couple Mr & Mrs Balls shows that he, unlike Hitler & Franco, has got a set.
Dr. K Back IN J
Dr. Kevorkian placed back into prison after helping friend behind bar while he went to the bathroom and asking customers to "Name their poison".
This Bird's For You
Woman with Carpel Tunnel Disorder finally manages to flip the bird at the third guy down from offender.
Mess At Nashville Airport
Cellophane bag full of cocaine, which dropped out of luggage being loaded at Nashville Airport and burst, causes everyone to get high as a kite. Police try to catch old lady running naked down runway.
Monkeys Feel Regret
Scientists announced last week that monkeys can feel regret just like humans, after "Deal/No Deal" experiment. Shit hits door immediately AFTER the door shut.
I'm Being Followed By A Moon Shadow
Fat lady lying on the beach in the nude on private property in Florida, goes to sleep, awakens with a terrible moon tan.
Punch & Judy Riot
Punch And Judy Show turns into a riot as audience throw shoes, chairs and break Judy's thumb.
Cheerios Ad Misleading
The FDA says that Cheerios is misleading customers over their health benefits. Ask them to remove the "Eat These Or You Will Soon Die!" labels on front of each box.
Craigslist - Up, Up, and Away
Craigslist is doing very well. So well in fact that it is actually in negotiations to purchase General Motors.
Elvis Costello a blight on the landscape
Irish singer/songwriter Elvis Costello will be sued for being outrageously ugly. A class action by the residents of Chelsea (ironically subject of one of his songs) will see him convicted and gaoled.
Prince Charles to pay back expenses
The lastest expenses scandal involves HRH Prince Charles who has pleaded guilty to semi fraudulent behaviour. Says he will pay it back when Red Rum wins the next at Exeter. Pull the other one Charlie.
The Microsoft & Apple Marriage
Microsoft and Apple are considering a merger. The new proposed name is SoftApple.
Checkout and Strip Search Time is Noon
Hotel crime is on the rise. An Atlanta hotel manager reports that it used to be that people would take soaps and towels. But now it has gotten out of hand. Guests are taking TV's, drapes, and toilets.
A 4.7 earthquake hit Los Angeles. Fears were quickly calmed when it was reported that it was merely Rush Limbaugh's plane landing at LAX.
Ambassador Dick Cheney?
President Obama has been asked by Democrats as well as Republicans to appoint Dick "Big Mouth" Cheney to be ambassador to the North Pole so we can all get his bitter-as-the-dickens butt outta here.
Stephen King's Next Motion Picture
Stephen King wants Joaquin Phoenix to star in his next movie, which is entitled "The Hip Hopper From Hell."
The Channel Formerly Known As 'The English?'
France has sent a petition to NATO requesting that the name English Channel be changed to French Channel.
The Politically Correct Nintendo
Nintendo in an effort to remain politically correct will soon be releasing its latest version of Super Mario Brothers named, Super Mario Brothers and Sisters.
NASCAR Changing More Than Tires
NASCAR, the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, in order to attract younger male fans will be changing its name to ASSCAR, the American Society for Stock Car Auto Racing.
Rush Limbaugh Does Not Like Michael Steele
GOP Committee Chairman Michael Steele told CNN that Rush Limbaugh told him that if he resigns his chairmanship that he will buy him Boston Celtic season's tickets for next year.
Sarah Palin - Russia's Friend
Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has just been named an Honorary Comrade by the Republic of Russia. The honor was bestowed on her by the Russian Department of Tourism.
Heffner Accuses Internet
Playboy Magazine subscribers are way down. Heffner accuses the internet of giving the milk away for free.
Obama Accused Of Following Bush
Barack Obama supporters say new president keeping too many of Bush programs, doing same thing as Bush. "Where do you expect us to live, #10 Downing Street?", asks President.
Two year old British girl becomes the youngest member of MENSA. Alise tells selection board that she is enthralled.
Par For The Course
Two and a half billion dollars in the national budget for clean coal will consume three and a half billion dollars worth of clean water.
Hospital: Cheney Doing Fine
Dick Cheney doing fine says Wyoming hospital after cow on ranch with explosive diarrhea shoots him in the face, causing heart blip.
Fat-Asses A Pain
Google Inc. in Japan and Hong Kong asked to remove cameras on sidewalks after Fat-asses complain about being recorded by "Google Girth".
Google Earth Dwellers
Revealed in today's New York Post: Last week's google glitch may have led to over 10,000 suicides worldwide. "If only they had waited a few more seconds" say experts.
Segway Not Bailed Out
Segway to shut down all it's assembly lines, close plants, lay off all 24 employees by summer.
Obama's Stress Test
President Barack Obama spends three straight nights at White House with mother-in-law survives stress test.
Solar Flares Again
Scientists predict sudden solar flare of 500 degrees could change life on earth as we once knew it.
Home School Graduation Ceremony
Professor with Social Anxiety Disorder has families of home-schooled graduates come to his house to hear his graduation speech.
MP's Take Heart From Norway Eurovision Win
Beleagured British MP's have taken inspiration from Norway's winning Eurovision entry. As one told us, "If a young lad on the fiddle can get that much support, there's hope for us yet."
They Really Are Thin
A high priced bachelor party in North Hollywood yesterday had a $10,000-an-hour super-model jump out of a pie!
New Statue Unveiled
A Brooklyn, New York Jewish cemetery unveiled it's new monument at noon yesterday, "The Tomb Of The Unphoned Mother".
John McCain Happy
John McCain: "Obama may be in the White House but Cindy just bought me the White Castle franchise and all the burgers I can eat. I see Bill Clinton coming over right now."
"Meth America" Worst Show
"Meth America" on CBS drew the week's lowest rating last week as only two people managed to stay with the program during the swimsuit contest.
Former VP Still Up To Pranks
Dick Cheney keeps slipping into White House by back door and hitting red button flasher on Obama's desk, ordering pizza in a high voice.
No One Wants To Get Involved
Dead body of mail man at back door dragged over to the back door of neighbor's house after early morning discovery.
Chad, Sudan Battle
Chad's government has admitted for the first time sending its armed forces into Sudanese territory. Sudan admits to three hanging Chads.
Goes Against One Child Rule
China's first sex theme park, aimed at improving the sex education and the sex life of its visitors, has been torn down before it even opened, after test run in tunnel of love caused 10 pregnancies.
Franco, Hitler Had A Set Between Them
A new book claims Spanish dictator, General Francisco Franco, had more in common with Adolf Hitler than previously known, having one testicle. Conclusion: Having only one testicle can drive you mad.
Keeping Brain Active
Keeping the brain active by working later in life may be an effective way to ward off Alzheimer's disease, research suggests. Also, it proves very effective against poverty.
Smoke Sifnals Studied
Study looks at early Navajo use of smoke signals as Al Gore says they may have began the long path towards global warming. Gore now checking out peace pipes.
WHO Dominated By Swine Flu
WHO annual meeting dominated by swine flu as half of the members can't be there because they have swine flu.
Bush Lawyers, Pelosi Attacked
Two groups want Bush administration lawyers linked to memos on harsh interrogation techniques of detainees to lose their licenses to practice law. Bush lawyers file for impeachment of Nancy Pelosi.
Netanyahu's Jaw Set
Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu's jaw set to meet Obama for Mideast talks. Says he's been preparing for staring contest for weeks.
Glitter Upset over Theme Park's Closure!
Glam rock star, Gary Glitter, was upset in his prison cell today when news broke that China's 'Love Land' sex theme park is to be demolished. Glitter was due to be at the opening ceremony in October.
A man bought a chess set & took it home only to find that all the major pieces were absent. He called the shop to complain and was told he got what he paid for because he had bought it in a pawn shop.
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