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Rating:

Green Day whaling shame wiped from Wikipedia

The whale-killing, pre-fame past of Green Day has been edited out of the US band's Wikipedia entry. A spokes-mammal for the National Orchestra of Whales said: "It's like punks never harpooned."

written by neilwatson, 12 May 2009
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Flu Warning Issued

Flu drug advised for pregnant women with swine flu, blond and usually wears high heels. Probably named Betty.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Landscape Paintings Stolen

Six landscape paintings have been stolen from a Dutch museum. "They've hidden them out there in the landscape somewhere that will make them harder to find", say police.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Oprah Stuns Audience!

Oprah Winfrey stunned her studio audience yesterday by giving everyone there a free taser!

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Sambo Ruins Fundraiser

Little Black Sambo ruins President Obama's planned White House pancake eating fundraiser to fight stereotyping of people.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Polish Man Dead

In Warsaw, Poland yesterday a man has died after following joke orders to "eat shit and die".

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Scout Wins Honor

Cub Scout given posthumous merit badge for lasting a whole four days and nights in an outdoor toilet.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Obama Makes Vow

President Barack Obama has vowed to end the United States dependency on Oil Of Olay!

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Identity Theft In Florida

Tampa Bay, Florida in complete lockdown after giving an identity thief the key to the city.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Stick Out Like A Sore Thumb

Mafia gang break Roger Ebert's thumbs after giving their latest financed movie a two thumbs down.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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New dresses for HM the Queen

Carol Vorderman is going to donate some of the dresses that she wore on the Channel 4 Gameshow 'Countdown' so that all of her '100+ plus birthday congratulations' cards will look different.

written by IN SEINE, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Hockey Is Hockey

A hockey coach in Detroit is making a lot of extra money moonlighting as a professional potty trainer.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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All-Out War Bad, Real Bad

Scientists say that an all-out nuclear war between Russia and NATO nations would leave only Bernie Madoff and a bunch of cockroaches as the only life on planet earth.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Mystery primate skull found in Texas

CIA reckons it's God's Banker alibi Cardinal Marcinkus

written by queen mudder, 12 May 2009
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Supremes Rule 5-4

The Supreme Court of the United States has voted 5-4 against Al Gore's predictions on global warming.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Vegetation to boycott modernist architecture

After members of the Royal Institute of British Architects boycotted dinner with Prince Charles because of his opposition to modernist architecture, potted plants have walked out of modern buildings.

written by neilwatson, 12 May 2009
Rating:

"Double or quits" offers former bank chairman Goodwin

Former Royal Bank of Scotland head Fred has insulted shareholders, i.e. the UK, with a "double or quits" offer on his pension payout. Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "One Goodwin deserves another."

written by neilwatson, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Lottery operator to plough ahead with "Pope of the Week" plans

Lottery operator Camelot is to proceed with plans to randomise the Head of the Catholic church on a weekly basis. A Vatican City spokes-cleric said the company had "balls" and its plan "had legs".

written by neilwatson, 12 May 2009
Rating:

House of Commons Speaker "paid by the word" revelation

Westimster was today rocked by the revelation that Commons Speaker Michael Martin is paid per word he utters. Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said: "To us, it's just a rant. To the Speaker, it's a pension."

written by neilwatson, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Ass To Ass?

Scientists say that if we don't do something soon about population control and obesity, we'll all be ass to ass by the year 2100.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Amish Couple Having Problems

Adam and Sarah Yoder of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania say their juvenile son is driving his parents buggy!

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Royal Garden In Washington Doing Fine.

Michelle Obama and the rest of the royal family spent this afternoon in their White House garden as gardeners removed weeds.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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"Pants On Fire!"

Only those on the ditto-cam se Rush Limbaugh's pants catch on fire after latest whopper but millions heard the sixty seconds of bleeps.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Just Passing Through

Strawberry porridge, muesli and Thai green curry join traditional beans in soldiers' ration packs and right into dug latrine by morning.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Power Ranger Nightmares

Ben 10 and Power Rangers 'cause under sevens to have nightmares' survey finds. Mother's now say they're having "Surveyer nightmares".

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Bear & Ass Banned

Girl, 6, banned from taking teddy bear on easyJet flight after classing it as "excess baggage". Then ruled the same over the next passenger's extra large ass.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Anniversary Of China Earthquake Observed

Chinese President Hu Jintao has led the commemorations to mark the first anniversary of the Sichuan earthquake by ordering everyone to stop at twelve o'clock noon and shake for ten seconds.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
Rating:

I Do This Too, Like A Maniac

French researchers have begun to unravel the information & social content present in the hyena's famed laugh, which they say is only used in times of conflict. "The hyena laugh in the face of danger."

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Women Get Greater Pleasure From Sex

Women who are more "emotionally intelligent" get greater pleasure from sex, research on twins suggests. The report excluded "Quickies".

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Dyin Flu Worse

A national health group announced today that a form of the H1N1 Virus, they're calling the "Dyin Flu", is a lot worse that the Swine Flu.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Neighbor Saves Life!

In Cleveland, a man told police that his blind neighbor saved his life when he knocked a robber down and out. The neighbor then said, "I did WHAT? I thought the door was stuck & gave it a kick."

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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The Price is right: Jordan and Andre's bank accounts "to separate"

The bank accounts of Katie Price and Peter Andre are to separate after just three years of prudent investment. Custody of their assets, one from Price's previous financial arrangement, is undecided.

written by neilwatson, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Obama Keeps Promise

President Obama keeps promise that all Americans, whatever race or color or creed, become one and the same. We are all poor.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Oil Rigs May Move

Exxon/Mobile say they're tired of being labeled in U.S. as villians, may move their oil rigs underseas.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Hospital Infections Up

Hospital In Cleveland having so many infections they're now offering patients the option of being operated on outside under a tree.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Cocaine In Retreat

The international cocaine market is "in retreat" after a year of successful operations around the world, the Serious Organised Crime Agency claims, as more addicts turn to meth.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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No "Change" In Politics As Usual

Congress searching diligently into mistakes by previous administration while ignoring economic collapse, 1/3 of us predicted to have Swine Flu and terrorists, say this is how it's always been done.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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One Third With Swine Flu

A third of the world's population could be infected with swine flu, expert projections suggest. Two-Thirds give a big old sigh.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
Rating:

Pope Checking Them All Out

Pope Benedict XVI is visiting sites in Jerusalem holy to Muslims, Jews and Christians on the second day of his visit to the Holy Land. Then visits Buddhist's Sacred Cave Of Nothingness.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Mars Spirit Stuck

The Mars rover Spirit has become stuck in loose dirt while ambling around a low plateau or else it's "fallen into insidious Martian ambush", NASA said Monday.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Frog-Killing Fungus Among Us

Project launched to fight newly discovered frog-killing fungus, mostly by the French.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Atlantis Chasing Hubble

Shuttle Atlantis is racing after the Hubble Space Telescope a day after taking off on a daring repair mission, called "Operation Hubba Hubba"

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Taliban Apparently Doesn't Like Women

89 Afghan girls sick in alleged school poisoning as the Taliban seek to completely eliminate women to enlarge their expansion movement.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Vatican Defends Pope

The Vatican has defended Pope Benedict XVI amid growing Israeli criticism of his speech at the country's national Holocaust memorial which ignored his role as Hitler Youth Murderers Movement.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Slowing Medical Costs

Health and Human Services Sec. Kathleen Sebelius said Tuesday she's confident health industry leaders will make good on their promise to slow the growth of medical care costs to under 50% this year.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Ford Selling Shares

Ford said on Monday that it would sell 300 million common shares & use part of the proceeds to pay off its healthcare obligations to the UAW, those still suffering from exploding Pintos during 1970's.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Being Kind To Older Americans

Annual report due for Social Security and Medicare may be put off until next year to avoid mass panic.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Palin To Gore

Sarah Palin, tired of listening to Al Gore's complaints about Alaska and global warming, tells the former VP to "Kiss our ice!"

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Airlines Looking For Extra Income

All major airlines hope to improve their income by flying advertising banners from their tail sections.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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It's A Miracle!

Thousands of the "Friends" or Quakers flock to see the image of Brother Ebenezer on box of oats!

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Latest On OctoMom

OctoMom: The eight little guys are doing fine, but the older six keep stepping on my tits.

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Death's In Threes

National Inquisitor: It's always in threes. First Bea Arthur, then Dom Deluise. Has anyone checked up on Wilford Brimley?

written by Bureau, 12 May 2009
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Ovrebo's Regret

Referee Tom Ovrebo's biggest regret - he gave the red card to the wrong man, he should have given it to Drogba in the first half.

written by Anietie Ukpe, 12 May 2009
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Wet Rag

BlueFire Washes The Kitchen Floor On Her Hands & Knees 2 Keep It HOT.

written by Shannah_Schilit, 12 May 2009
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