Spoof news snippets from May 2009
There were 1,693 spoof news snippets published in May 2009. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sarah Palin, Carrie Prejean sign movie deal
Will remake "Where the Heart Is." Prejean plays Novalee Nation, 17, abandoned by boyfriend. She moves into a Wall Mart, gives birth there, becomes media darling, is taken in by Sister Husband (Palin).
The classic boardgame gets a modern twist. New "Chance" card reads, "Congratulations! You've just won 8 Oscars!" at which point you lose; communities are leveled and all properties returned to bank.
That explains everything...
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones hospitalized after injury in collapse while inspecting damage at Cowboys practice stadium. Surgeons discover he has primitive 3-chambered reptilian heart.
Craigslits gets the hits
New Internet site craigslits.com reporting mega-traffic and exponential subscription increases after Craigslist decides to drop "erotic" services.
Swine Flu Epidemic Traced to Fabled Chupacabra
Ramon Payaso of El Campamento, Mexico sighted beast 3 weeks ago. While inspecting its porcine victims, he exposed himself to swine flu virus, now believed to have originated in the chupacabra.
"Pitchman" Sullivan Child Labor Scandal
His infomercial features Ima Lourde, West Palm Beach, FL, who makes good on claim that Swivel Sweeping 3000 is "so easy a child can use it." Arrested on child labor charges involving the device.
"Nobody asked me what I thought..."
The Almighty, Omnipotent Creator says he thought Miss California's breasts were "just fine the way I made them." Personally, I think she could use a little more junk in the trunk, too.
Swine Flu Hits "Pop" Charts
In light of recent swine flu epidemic, rock band Primus orders recall on "Pork Soda" CD's back to 1993. Warns fans that, keep listening and "[Your] Name Is Mudd."
Article printed by The Garlic Press last week contained passage stating "Paris Hilton is a real bitch." Was supposed to read "Perez Hilton is a real bitch." We apologize for the error.
Snippet writer, or just a name dropper?
Spoof writer publishes breaking news snippet just to use clever name for ex-smoker. "I don't see what the big deal is," said Nicoretta Jones nervously. "It's just a name."
The "Off-sex Ender"
Dyslexic woman, victim of attempted sexual offense, claims perpetrator kept trying to get her into the "96" position.
Blow Texas-sized Bubbles
Former US President Bush's new "Dubya-Mint Gum" hits checkout stands. Said to be doing quite well in the Texas market, though many complain the stuff is just too sticky.
35,000 year-old model of Jordan found in cave
A 100% anatomically correct model of Jordan has been found in Germany. Scientists are stunned to think that even 35,000 years ago, breast implants were available even if they were rocks from a stream.
Melissa River's First Face Lift
Joan Rivers is proud to announce her daughter Melissa's first face lift. The beautiful lift is doing well and smiling.
A gardener was evicted from his allotment for not growing enough fruit or veg
A 61-year-old Cheltenham man has been evicted from his allotment for not growing enough fruit or veg. He argued; "LOOK! There are at least 674 gooseberries on that plant, isn't that enough?"
Susan Boyle in snack shock
Scottish singer, Susan Boyle, picked a nice spot for a picnic in a Dunfermline park yesterday. She sat down on what she thought was a thistle, but it turned out that she was bitten by a haggis.
North Yorkshire Carries out Nuclear Tests
According to a BBC presenter on '5 live', North Yorkshire have carried out illegal nuclear tests. Meanwhile, North Korea are holding 'Flat Cap Throwing Contests' and 'Whippet races'.
Neil Horan to join Irish girl-group 'Bewitched'
Ex Priest and sane person Neil Horan of 'Puddledance' fame is to join 'Bewitched' on their latest come-back tour. He will be wearing the 'cape' an 'kilt' but teaming it with a denim outfit.
Houses of Parliament to Soon Empty
With so many MPs resigning, Westminster Palace will soon be redundant. London Mayor, Boris Johnson, will apply to turn it into a table tennis emporium.
Cinco de Mayo Cancelled
May 5th is cancelled due to the flu. Tuesday will be Wednesday. There will be a May 32nd this year to make up the difference. It will be on Sunday instead of Tuesday, unless it rains. Confused yet?
Mother fits son with a GPS tracking device for gap year
A mother who fitted a son with a GPS tracking device for his gap year, said she got the idea from President Bush, as he had done it to his Poddle, Tony Blair.
Google Street View blur out Colonel
"Can You See what it is yet?" Google are following in Rolf Harris's footsteps by blurring out the image of Colonel Sauunders in a bid to stop advertising. When are they going to'do' Viking Direct?
You can't be too careful these days!
A woman who teaches healthy eating to children was warned that her son is at risk of diabetes or cancer because he is 1lb overweight. "How dare they!" she fumed "I'll slap them with a limp lettuce."
Rice field murder
A suspect was arrested recently for attacking a man in a rice field with a small ceramic figurine. It's the first case on record of a knick-knack paddy whack.
Kevin Bacon: source of Swine flu
The American actor, Kevin Bacon, is the alleged source of Mexican swine flu although he denies being a gringo.
Hungarian stork left with hefty Bill
A Hungarian stork that had a beak transplant was left with a huge bill today.
A man bought a chess set & took it home only to find that all the major pieces were absent. He called the shop to complain and was told he got what he paid for because he had bought it in a pawn shop.
Dyslexic Girl Wins American Spelling Bee Championship
An 11-year-old Indian American girl has become the spelling bee queen of 2009. The girl who is dyslexic, was asked how to spell Indian Ocean, but it actually came out as Laodicean.
Plumber Gives Birth to Twin Brother -- Alien Style!
It burst out from his belly! A plumber from Oxford 'gave birth' to a parasitic twin brother. "He could have been a politician - It's so embarrassing!" Said the surprised 30-year-old today.
Google Goats to Cut Grass in Green Effort
Google have hired a herd of goats to mow lawns at their offices in efforts to cut down on pollution. Their CO2 emissions are negligible, but their methane emissions are very high according to the WWF.
The Queen Will Not Be Attending the D-Day Anniversary Events
Her Majesty the Queen will not be attending the D-Day anniversary in Normandy because at that time, the brave men were fighting for KING and country.
Drinking from plastic bottles 'increases exposure to gender-bending chemical'
A survey has found that drinking from plastic bottles could expose you to a gender-bending chemical. "That's total rubbish!" said Graham Norton, "I have always used them and look at me!"
Robbery at stationery shop
A thief broke into a stationery shop in Ludlow, Shropshire, on Sunday. The only thing stolen was a calendar. The thief got 12 months!
They do not make them like they used to
A Ledbury woman who dug up a Victorian gold watch in a garden, among a hoard of thousands of other antiques, claims it was still ticking and keeps perfect time.
Face of Jesus Found in Marmite Lid
The face of Jesus has reputedly been found inside the lid of a jar of Marmite. This cannot be true because I don't think Jesus likes marmite... perhaps he does now!
$1 million egg discovered
A Russian fertility clinic has implanted an egg into a childless woman this week. It was found to be no less than a jewel-encrusted egg produced by Carl Faberge at the turn of the century.
Leaked: David Cameron's latest the expense claim
It is rumoured that Conservative leader, David Cameron, has put in an expense claim for bicycle padlock - only yesterday! He does not even have a bike.
MPs in nappies?
The public wait with bated breath. Who are the MPs rumoured to have claimed for nappies (diapers) on their expenses. The electorate want to know if they were for personal use?
Race Relations Worsen As Tyres Are Sabotaged
A cycle race in Scotland has been sabotaged by locals who placed nails on the route. Hundreds of competitors suffered punctures, however, nobody was hurt and they were not accused 'tacks evasion'.
New "Swerve Test" Could Kill, Say Bikers
UK motorcyclists say that the new "swerve test" could actually kill you - especially in the case of swerving the wrong way into the path of a 40-ton juggernaut!
Putting on Weight for Fathers to Be
The average father-to-be may put on around one stone in weight in sympathy for his pregnant partner. That means John Prescott's partner is expecting octuplets then?
House made of shells in Harry Potter film must be demolished
A house made completely from shells, to feature in the new Harry Potter film must be demolished for it was not built with planning permission, according to Pembroke District Council.
Eton College to Close All Week!
World-famous Eton school has had to close because one of the pupils has contracted swine flu. It is a well-known breeding ground for public school piglets.
The great Belgian brassica boost!
The city Ghent in Belgium is to go vegetarian at least once a week. Belgian butchers are up in arms because they say that their sales will be badly affected."The steaks are just too high!" They added.
Sunbathing tips for blondes
Lying in the sun could make you cleverer and also fight off dementia claim scientists. However, this would only apply if you did not contract melanoma first!
"If You Can't Stand the Heat, Don't Go into the Kitchen!"
A Muslim chef has lost an appeal at a tribunal, claiming that he has to handle pork products in a police canteen. However, the tribunal ruled that he has no case as he already works with pigs.
The BBC announces Junior Apprentice
The BBC is to show a group of youngsters going through their paces with Sir Alan Sugar. Next they plan to show the baby apprentice for the children up to five years old.
John Cleese rules out the return of Basil Fawlty!
John Cleese did not say that a re-run of Fawlty Towers wouldn't be possible as there are too many Basil Fawlty's around. One lives at number 10 Downing St. But if he had, he would have been right.
A Study Suggests We Can Taste Words.
A study suggests that we can taste words; ice cream, pizza, fish & chips and chocolate are some of the favourites. Whereas brussels sprouts, cabbage and spinach are some of the most tasteless words.
The Egyptians claim that Nefertiti's bust is a fake!
A row has broken out between Germany and Egypt. The Germans say that Queen Nefertiti had a 44 inch chest, Egypt refutes any these claims by saying there were no such thing as implants in those days.
Royal heir claims not to have washed his hair for two years!
One of the Royal heirs, Prince Harry claims not to have washed his hair for two years. He has managed to save £200 on shampoo! Meanwhile, Camilla claims never to have washed the heir to the throne.
The Country With The N-Word Name
The West African country of Nigeria has decided to change its name. The official reason given is that the present name sounds too much like the N-word. Nigeria's new name will be HipHopia.
Wallace and Gromit are squatting at the Chelsea flower show
World-famous inventors Wallace and Gromit have been down on their luck recently. The duo are squatting in James May's plasticine garden at the Chelsea flower show and are expecting eviction next week.
The 'Hum' Has Been around Longer Than Thought
It is believed that the 'Hum' is a legacy from the Royal Air Force, in WWII days when they used to quote "Beware of the hum in the sun!". Sorry, that should have been "Beware of the HUN in the sun!"
Junior Apprentice Hits Snag!
The BBC is to show a group of youngsters going through their paces with Sir Alan Sugar. However, they have hit a snag - the employment under age children!
Sir Ridley Scott fined for paying below minimum wage
Film director, Sir Ridley Scott, has been fined for paying the soldiers in the new Robin Hood film, below the minimum wage. He only paid them 2 shillings each (which was a lot of money in those days).
Robert Mugabe Follows Trump's Suit
As Donald Trump is to sue a writer for claiming that he is a millionaire and not a billionaire, Robert Mugabe is doing just the same thing (except to several thousand writers to make up the exchange rate)!
John Prescott admits to 'undressing' 450 students at one time!
Labour's John Prescott admitted last night on BBC radio 4 to "undressing" 450 students with Eddie Izzard and Ed Millibrand. On the back of a bus too!
Prisoner found dead with unusual wounds
A prisoner was found dead today in his cell at Broadmoor. He had been shot 8 times and although there were exit wounds, there were no entry wounds. Prison authorities said: "it was an inside job."
BNP to Adopt 'White Bull' As Emblem!
Because the bull in the Cravendale milk advertisements were not deemed to be racist, the BNP have decided to adopt the 'white bull' as its emblem in the forthcoming elections.
Nuns in Hell?
Players from a Bristol football team ended up in a Cretan prison for 48 hours for going to a party dressed as naughty nuns. "It was sheer hell - we shalln't be making a habit of it!" said the Captain.
Cow found in swimming pool
A couple rushed to their swimming pool when they herd a splashing noise to find that a cow had burst into their garden and taken a dip. Prince Charles can sympathise as Cowmilla often likes a bath.
Google Street car catches man taking snake for a walk
The Google streetcar has filmed a man in Norwich taking a large snake for a walk. Meanwhile, another in London has filmed several snakes entering the Houses of Parliament.
DEFRA Waste £300,000 on a Survey: Absolute Quackery
Taxpayers face a £300,000 bill (pardon the pun) to discover which water ducks really prefer. A unamed professor said extensive research shows that they prefer wet water - that'll be £300,000 please!"
Policewoman Accused of Having Sex with a Pole While Posing As a Prostitute
A Nottingham policewoman was accused of having sex with a pole today. "This is nonsense, I'm innocent!" She said. The Pole, Josef Kracovitchinski,of Warsaw 'got off'- his evidence wouldn't stand up.
The average spoof writer has 99 friends
It has been exclusively revealed by the Lancaster psychologist, Mark Lowton, that the average spoof writer has 99 friends. 92 of them are Monkey Woods.
Harriet 'Hitler' Harman, comedienne
Harriet Harman says she does not want to be Prime Minister. In political speak that would be a 'yes' then!
Stiff at Last!
Robert Furchgott, credited with pioneering work which eventually led to inventing the drug Viagra, has sadly died aged 92.
Glitter Upset over Theme Park's Closure!
Glam rock star, Gary Glitter, was upset in his prison cell today when news broke that China's 'Love Land' sex theme park is to be demolished. Glitter was due to be at the opening ceremony in October.
The Icelandic Navy is Growing
Iceland proudly announces that it will shortly be doubling the size of its navy. The second canoe is expected to arrive from England in about ten days.
Beware of the 'Hum'
According to scientists, the 'hum', as it is known, can have devastating effects to those who hear it. However, those who smell it can suffer even more!
Unknown Soldier Identified!
The unknown soldier who is buried in Westminster Abbey has name been identified. He cannot be named for legal reasons in his grave is to be moved to an unknown destination which cannot be named.
The world's fastest electric bicycle is to go on sale in Britain
At 20 mph, A2B is the world's fastest electric bicycle and will soon be on sale in Britain. Conservative leader, David Cameron MP, is going to buy one if his expenses will allow him to do so.
'Haunted' Hotel Room Catches Fire - Again!
A room at a 17th-century hotel caught fire today. It is believed to be haunted by a former landlady who died in a blaze 300 years ago. Firemen say that the ghost must have sat on a lighted candle.
Los Angeles To Ban Miniskirts
Schools in Los Angeles have decided to ban miniskirts. They said that looking at the intimate piercings is very distracting to the male students.
Joe Biden Takes On A Second Job
Proof that the economic situation affects everyone. Vice President Joe Biden has just taken on a second job as a weekend greeter at one of the local Washington D.C. Wal-Marts.
Hazel Blears MP said today that "The PM thinks I'm doing a great job." A furious Gordon Brown said what I actually said was: "I think I'M doing a great job!"
Sunspot Mystery Solved
The mystery of the sun's missing spots has been solved. NASA reports the Hubble Space Telescope imaged a 200-million long tube of pimple cream floating in space near the sun.
The Borders Are Down!
The America/Mexico border is in chaos today: Americans are fleeing the US because of the failing economy and the Mexican's are fleeing their country because of swine flu!
The safest place to be during a pandemic outbreak of Mexican swine flu...
According to spoof writer In Seine, the safest place to be is in a 'cuckoos nest'. Why, everyone's heard of ... "One flu over the cuckoo's nest!" "it will miss you by miles" he claimed.
Jamie "Red" Foxx?
Jamie Foxx was asked to star in the HBO special The Jamie Foxx Story, but he declined saying that he felt that he just wasn't quite black enough.
"Spin The Bottle" Quick!
The U.S. Health Department has just announced that due to the H1N1 Flu they are initiating a nation-wide ban on the party game "Spin The Bottle."
Ghost Picture Is a Fake!
A BBC photographer just happens to be collecting images for a forthcoming show "Ghosts in the Attic" has actually took a picture of a ghost, reputed to be a scientist Edward Jenner. Coincidence?
New dresses for HM the Queen
Carol Vorderman is going to donate some of the dresses that she wore on the Channel 4 Gameshow 'Countdown' so that all of her '100+ plus birthday congratulations' cards will look different.
The Economic Crisis Hits The Vatican
The Vatican reports that due to the economic crisis it will be laying off 17 of the 58 cardinals.
The War of 1812?
Historians have recently discovered that The War of 1812, was actually fought in 1813. But they say that the cost of changing the date in all of the school books would cost an astonishing $18 million.
Student Prank Injures Traffic Warden
A traffic warden was almost killed by an invisible car created by student Sara Watson."Who put that there?" he said, to which she replied; "Some cars are better off not seen - especially this Skoda!"
When Will the Rating Get Higher?
WHO officials are trying to play down the possibility of a pandemic Mexican swine flu. However, they warn that we should be worried when it reaches Ham-demic proportions.
Good news for those who want to know...
The economy is so bad, and that people in Africa are sponsoring children in America for just $22.00 a month.
The Drug-Sniffing Cat
The San Franciso International Airport hired a drug-sniffing cat. It didn't work out though. It seems that the cat found the drugs all right, but then he buried them.
Three Quarters of British Children Cannot Boil an Egg
Researchers say that three quarters of British children cannot boil an egg. Ironically, 95% of British MPs do not know how to boil an egg either; even though they have all claimed for egg cups.
Blears: "PM thinks I'm doing a great job!"
In a telephone interview, Hazel Blears MP told our reporter that "The PM thinks I'm doing a great job..." It was at this point that the telephone went dead. She was cut off in mid sentence.
Bob Barker's New Game Show
Bob Barker, 85, said that he missed hosting "The Price Is Right" so much that CBS has agreed to give him a new spin-off show, "The Price Is Wrong."
The North Korea/South Korea Misslie News
South Korea says that they have now developed a missile. They say that they plan to test it out by shooting down the next missile that North Korea launches.
Mexico's Fabulous "Free Deal"
Mexico concerned that tourism has fallen off by 90 percent promises all tourists that if they contact swine flu while vacationing in Mexico their hotel room, meals, and drinks will all be free.
England's Best Dressed Celebrity
Cheryl Cole was named The Best Dressed Celebrity in England. Susan Boyle came in 413th and Elton John took 529th place. Amy Winehouse failed to make the Top 10,000.
Sheep Farmers Disappointed
Government advisers are encouraging people not to eat lamb because of the methane they produce. Instead they should eat pork or chicken. Such advice angers Muslims, but chicken farmers are ecstatic!
A sculpture of Jesus Christ wearing jeans has been unveiled. There is mass debate as to what make of jeans he would wear; some would say they are 'Levites' but others would say he wore ' Wranglers '.
According to a survey in Glamour magazine, 80% of women say have been 'creeped' out at work when an older man tried to have sex with them. The other 20% got promotions.
The New Baskin-Robbins Flavor?
Baskin-Robbins is denying the rumor that they will be replacing one of their 31 flavors with a new flavor named after the hip hop rapper 'Flavor Flav'.
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