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Anti-capitalist protest group disbands

The anti-capitalist group ACID (Anti-Capitalists In Disguise) have disbanded after a few poorly supported rallies. They said, "We can't find anywhere we can buy food without feeling capitalist."

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 20 March 2009
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The Fast Food of March Madness

McDonald's sales are up 75 percent! What economic crisis? Their new slogan will be: "Some people may not be able to afford a big house or a big car, but everyone can afford a "Big Mac!"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
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Victoria Beckman Says She Looks Awful Naked

Victoria Beckham says that she really looks awful naked. Hundreds of optometrists from around the world have offered to give her a free eye examination.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Mr. Laura Ingraham?

The Speaking Voice Club of America has announced that its 28,000 member organization has voted that GOPolitical hate-spewer Laura Ingraham has the most unfeminine voice of any woman on television.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
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The Amy Winehouse Traveling Circus

Las Vegas bet makers are giving 100 to 1 odds that Amy Winehouse (of the Amy Winehouse Traveling Circus) will not be filming a toothpaste commercial anytime soon.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
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Utah State's Mascot "Big Blue" Is Back!

Utah State's mascot "Big Blue" is back. "BB" was suspended for one game for scuffling with New Mexico state's mascot "Pistol Pete." Remember when mascots just stood there and yelled, "Go Team Go!"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Washington-American Idol

President Obama told Jay Leno Washington is like American Idol, except for the fact that everyone is Simon Cowell. And the fact that no one wears black T-shirts or drives a $1 million Bugatti Veyron!

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
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The Crazy World of Lawsuits

Osi is suing Teva and Mylan over Tarceva-Erlotinib patent infringement. Meanwhile Alpha is suing Beta and Gamma over Sigma-Lambda patent infringement.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
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Madoff Breaks Silence, Wind

Bernard Madoff's longtime accountant, David Friehling, has been arrested in connection with the $64 billion Ponzi scheme. Meanwhile, Bernie broke his silence, saying those AIG thiefs should be shot.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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AIG: Bonus Money Was Earned

AIG, which has already received a total of $170 billion in taxpayer money, then paid $165 million dollars in bonuses. They claim the people earned that money by talking congress out of $170 billion.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Big Splash Heard In NYC

Former Amway salesman on edge of the Brooklyn Bridge talks seven policemen, his psychiatrist, three bystanders, fourteen driver's-by into jumping off with him.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Dogs Get An A-Plus

Sex education class at Boogertown High School gets an unexpected boost when dogs start to go at it outside the classroom window.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Charades Marathon

Local man at party says the guy with the Tourettes Disease up there in front of those people on couches playing charades has been up there a long time, just to get them to guess "President Obama".

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Houston Pleased

The United States astronauts report that their piss to drinking water machine is doing fine. One stated that he's had beer taste a lot worse.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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Houston Worried

Houston more than a little upset as two astronauts take an unplanned, unexplained hand-holding walk in space.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Dirty Den Dismisses Taxi Driver Twatting Tweed

Leslie Grantham has dismissed Jack Tweed as a 'rank amature' and 'glory hound'. Grantham who killed a taxi driver in 1965, sneered at Tweed's inability to do a proper job. Tweed declined to comment.

written by Rula Nation, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Native Hawaiian Birds In Peril

Report: Nearly all native birds in Hawaii are in peril, while the imported Toyota Titmouse and Honda Hummingbirds are said to be thriving.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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Limbaugh Would Return Funds Offered Americans

Rush Limbaugh says he has and will return any stimulus funds offered to Americans. "I got your old 'stimulus package' right here, hanging", stated the Radio Talk Show host.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Fat Duck Chef Offer Explanations

British Chef: Norovirus may be the cause of The Fat Duck Restaurant's illnesses. Or it could be we got in some bad blood pudding.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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Netanyahu Offers Comprimises

Israeli prime minister-designate Benjamin Netanyahu asked for two more weeks to form a new government Friday as he tries to broaden his support base by changing his name to Netangoogle.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

"Snowflake" Sarah's Book Is Out

Gov. Sarah Palin's book, 'The Ups and Downs of Snowflake Sarah' is out. The book deals with the 2008 GOP campaign. One thing she reveals that no one knows is John McCain's middle name is Cinderella

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

March Madness Madness

A woman in Kentucky says she's divorcing her husband of 20 years due to March Madness. She told her lawyer that her husband committing two flagrant fouls per game on her is just too much to handle.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
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Brazilian Waxing In The First Degree

The state of New Jersey is planning to put a ban on Brazilian Waxing. And yet there are those who still say that the state is not doing enough to protect its citizens.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Over-The-Counter Viagara

The makers of Viagara are planning on a nationwide promotional campaign. They plan to offer Viagara as an over-the-counter drug listed as, Viagara - The Gray-Haired Set's Erector Set

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

The High School Steel Cage Championship Match

A Dallas high school allowed students to participate in a bare-knuckles brawl inside a steel cage. Parents complained and asked, "What's next, legalized prostitution during Home Economics classes?"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
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The Bowling Hall of Fame

The Bowling Hall of Fame building which was built in 1941, and is located in Milwaukee was to have been torn down. The American Bowling Congress took a vote and they decided to spare it.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

World Markets Mixed

World markets mixed on worries about US inflation. Some say relax, Obama will easily fix it, while others commit suicide.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

The World's Deadliest Spider

The world's deadliest spider has been found in a Tulsa gorcery store. The spider was hidden in a banana shipment from Honduras. Reports that the spider was one of Rush Limbaugh's pets are not true.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

The Former Black Sox Scandal

Major League Baseball announces that the 1919 Black Sox Scandal will be referred to henceforth as The 1919 African-American Sox Scandal.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

And Now Heresssssss Barack

President Barack Obama is the first sitting president to appear on "The Tonight Show." Meanwhile John McCain was at a KFC in Tucson and Sarah Palin attended a 'Big Game Hunter's' meeting in Juneau.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

I've Been Working On The Texas Railroad

The author of the classic song, "I've Been Working On The Railroad," is suing the state of Texas claiming that the melody of the state song, "The Eyes Of Texas" is exactly the same note for note.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 20 March 2009
Rating:

African Union Suspends Madagascar

The African Union has suspended Madagascar from its union body, saying replacement of the nation's president by an army-backed politician constitutes a coup & such things are unheard of in Africa.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Pope Pilgrimaging All Over Africa

Pope Benedict XVI takes African pilgrimage to Angola. The a hurried second pilgrimage to Angola outhouse.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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Head Denies Bonuses

Former AIG head denies he started executive bonuses, while the rest of his body tries to dodge a lightning strike.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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Palin Rejects Offered Stimulus

Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska has rejected nearly 30 percent of offered stimulus funds. "Polar Bear nuggets, now THERE'S a stimulus for you," stated Palin.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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Wrong Spider Accused

A spider that was found in a Tulsa grocery store may not have been as deadly as originally thought. Instead of the deadly Brazilian Wandering Spider, it's the lovable Argentine Wandering Spider.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

And She Still Doesn't Love Him

In NYC, a man, Eric "Cupid" Collins, 27, accidentally shot a woman in the stomach with a 30-inch arrow when he fired it at a fence and it went through to property next door, police said Thursday.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Bird Populations Drop

Energy production of all types - wind, ethanol and coal mining - is contributing to steep drops in bird populations, a new government report says. PETA recommends countries reduce human populations.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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Obama On Iran

President Obama tells Iran and their leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, to seek new links with U.S., rest of the world, psychiatrists!

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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Obama On Tonight Show

President Obama showed up on a US comedy show late Thursday as his young government faces an unprecedented economic crises. "In Washington, where most don't seem to pay taxes, we call it the Ecomedy."

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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Pink Elephant Spotted

Although it could have been a pig that had used Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon.

written by Roy Turse, 20 March 2009
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Pink Elephant Spotted

The baby pink elephant that was photographed recently has grey spots.

written by Roy Turse, 20 March 2009
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Pink Elephant Spotted

Susannah Constantine from 'What Not To Wear' was photographed at a film premiere in London, and apparently she may have seen a picture of the pink elephant earlier. What?

written by Roy Turse, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Pink: Elephant Spotted

American singer Pink claims to have seen an elephant during a visit to her home town of Doylestown, Pennsylvania.

written by Roy Turse, 20 March 2009
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Pink Elephant Spotted

It was seen by several writers for TheSpoof.com during their recovery from Tuesday's St Patrick's Day celebrations.

written by Roy Turse, 20 March 2009
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Director calls theatre "bigoted"

A leading Broadway director has bemoaned the lack of tolerance among theatrical people. "There are almost no gays, you won't believe the bigotry they have to deal with. There are hardly any Jews too."

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 20 March 2009
Rating:

BREAKING NEWS - Gordon Brown Removes Dundee from Google Street View

Gordon Brown has demanded that Google remove all its Street View images of Osama Bin Laden in Dundee, after it was bombarded with one complaint that it infringed the mass murderer's civil liberties.

written by Mrs Kensington, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Max Clifford Seriously Ill

Doctors treating Max Clifford have announced that he's 'seriously ill', suffering severe withdrawal symptoms. His illess is caused by having entered a second day without Jade Goody on the front pages.

written by Dungeekin, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Heston Blumenthal Renames Fat Duck

Heston Blumenthal announced today that following the recent cantamination of his Bray restaurant, he would be renaming it "The Mucky Duck" - this one's for you Skoob and Buck!

written by Mrs Kensington, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Valet Beats Taxi Driver Senseless With Umbrella

"...which wasn't hard to do, since nobody with any sense drives like that, and my umbrella is pretty solid," said the valet as he was escorted away in cuffs.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 March 2009
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"No Left Turns"

Though it costs him over $1000 a year extra in gasoline, Rush Limbaugh will only make turns to the right when driving. However, it is reported he turns to the left when receiving a prostate exam.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Robo-Auditors To Track Down Toxic Bankers

Alastair Darling has announced that he will send 200 robotic auditors equipped with tiny pollution sensors and pincers, into UK Banks to track down toxic debts and rip off bankers balls. Bring it on!

written by Mrs Kensington, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Obama Apologises for "Disabled People Are Crap Bowlers" Gaffe

Barack Obama has apologised for describing his 129 bowling score as 'like the Special Olympics' on Jay Leno's "Tonight Show." "George Bush told me it would get a laugh" he explained.

written by Mrs Kensington, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Jagger's Daughter Changes Name

Owing to the less than decent associations with her once stylish 'given' name, Mick Jagger's daughter has recently taken the understandable step of changing her name to something much more palatable

written by Rula Nation, 20 March 2009
Rating:

N.J. Sets The Pace

New Jersey considers ban on bare-it-all 'Brazilian' bikini wax. Residents of Purple Bunion, Tennessee say they may follow New Jersey's example.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Economy To Shrink

An international group say the world economy is set to stink even more by 2010. I'm sorry, that should be, the world economy to shrink even more by 2010.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
Rating:

Bonus Tax Misunderstood

US lawmakers in the House have voted in favor of a bill to levy a 90% tax on big bonuses from firms bailed out by taxpayers. Receive thousands of calls from those who thought it was a "Boners" tax.

written by Bureau, 20 March 2009
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