Spoof news snippets from Thursday 19 March 2009
Kim Jong Il of North Korea Placed in Earth Orbit
NK launched the country's first orbiting satellite, their leader Kim Jong Il. The NK branch of PETA objected to a chimpanzee or dog being employed, requiring a last minute change in missile payload.
Cheeks Pinching In The First Degree
The National Inquisitor reveals in a front page article that an old woman in Lincoln, Nebraska, has pinched her own grandson's cheeks to death.
Are Breville Snack Makers a Potential Catalyst for Human Doom?
Should the worst happen and society collapses, will the human race see it's attempts to make toasted snacks stymied by it's over-reliance on the electricity hungry 'Breville Toastmaster'?
Iranian Blogger Dead
A young Iranian blogger jailed in Tehran's notorious Evin prison for insulting supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has died, his lawyer said on Thursday. According to authorities, he shot himself.
Gitmo Detainees Released Here?
Attorney General Eric Holder said some detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, may end up being released in the U.S. and given back their belongings, including automatic weapons and pipe bombs.
"Jaded" - The Oxford English Ammends Definition
This article writes itself in your mind.
Eastenders' Mitchell Brothers Appear In Court on Assault Charge
Peggy Mitchell's wayward sons, Phil and Grant, who have been absent from the top-rated soap on and off for years, made a shocking appearance in court this week - poking out of Amy Winehouse's dress.
Wall Street Strikes Back
House of Representatives passes bill taxing Wall Street bonuses. Wall Street lowers stock's worth that are owned by congress.
Obama to be on Tonight Show. Promises to be open and honest....
...despite Jim Cramer's warning to duck and cover.
Parts Makers To Recieve Bailout
Automotive, Cher parts makers will get a five billion dollar bailout by the end of this week, according to one congressman on committee.
Obama Relaxes On Pot
Obama Administration is going to relax U.S. policy on medical marijuana. As news spreads, thousands line up before doctor's offices. Better hurry!
Nazi Camp Guard Deported
A former Nazi concentration camp guard who was living in the U.S. has been deported to hades, Justice Department officials said Thursday.
Kid's Letters To Obama
Kids give advice to President Obama: "President Obama, on the ekonomy, my dad says to shit or get off the pot", your friend, George Jr."
Baskin- Robbins Reports: No More Beatle Nut Ice Cream
Baskin-Robbins announces they are dropping their Beatle Nut Ice Cream, which was created 45 years ago in honor of the "Fab Four." They say they'll be replacing it with Joaquin Phoenix Nut Ice Cream.
Sci-Fi Channel To Change Name
Introducing: The Straight-To-Video channel!
Hef's Party To Honor The Beave, Wally, Eddie, et al.
Hugh Hefner says he is having a big party to honor one of his all-time favorite TV sitcoms, "Leave It To Beaver." Hef said that Jerry Mathers will perform with his band, Beaver & The Trappers.
"Hello...Push 2 For Spanish, 3 For Japanese"
The History Channel is filming a special honoring Alexander Graham Bell. The show is called, "Alexander Graham Bell - The Genius Who Invented The Phone and The Crackers."
Get Your Kicks On Route 66
The Department of Transportation in an effort to downsize has stated that effective April 1, 2009, Route 66 will officially become Route 61.
The Red Skelton Stable of Characters
Which of these was not a silly Red Skelton character: Freddie the Freeloader, Cauliflower McPugg, San Fernando Red, Clem Kadiddlehopper, Sheriff Deadeye, or Dubya the English Language Mangler?
Senorita Felina's Old Saloon
Rosa's Cantina, the El Paso saloon made famous in the Marty Robbins song "El Paso," has been closed. It will be converted into a McDonald's Restaurant to be called "Los Golden Arches de McDonalds."
Madonna and Kate Winslet Look Just Like Twins
50-year-old Madonna was a dead ringer for Oscar winner Kate Winslet(33)as she had dinner in New York with pal Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah right! and Joan Rivers looks like Miley Cyrus's kid sister!
London Motor Show Cancelled
The Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders announced today that it cannot afford to run its annual Motor Show this year, since Kerry Katona stopped buying cars for her husband.
Fergie To Go To Benfica
Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, is said to be "delighted" after finding a fantastic deal of £450 per person on an all-inclusive fortnight in Portugal with her girls.
Spendthrift Jacko Announces 50 More UK Dates
Self-styled King of Pop, Michael Jackson has been forced to add 50 additional dates to his UK comeback - after blowing $120 million at the sale of Gianni Versace's house and contents.
Smallest Dinosaur Found
The smallest meat-eating dinosaur yet to be found in North America has been identified from tiny pelvic bones. "Judging by the evidence, the remains were flatter than a pancake", stated one authority.
Pope Celebrates Giant Mass
The Pope's first giant Mass in celebrated in Africa as Benedict XVI also keeps eye out for future basketball players for Italy's 2012 Olympic team among the giants.
Mexican Drug Lord's Son Captured
In Mexico, the son of Notorious Drug Lord, Pedro Rodriguiz Notorious, has been captured near U.S. border.
WalMart Awards Employees
Wal-Mart is awarding $2 billion to their U.S. hourly wage employees, which comes to about $1.12 per person.
Pope In Africa
Pope Benedict XVI greeted with cheers, dances, parties, kegs as His Holiness spends Spring Break in Africa!
Latest statistists show less hookers laid, many more laid off.
Still People In Iraq
Experts say some challenges, buildings, people, lots of oil, remain as war in Iraq enters it's seventh year
Checkout Mortgage Aid Website?
The Obama administration launches mortgage aid website with videos of Willie Nelson, John Mellencamp and Neil Young.
Run Bernie Run
While no decision has been reached on Bernard Madoff's bid for early jail release, gauntlets of former clients with clubs remain outside police station.
What Can Brown Do For Itself?
FedEx profits have fallen off by 75 percent. Package delivery company executives with FedEx and UPS plan to merge into one big shipping company to be known as FedUP.
The Swallows Are On Their Way
The swallows are expected to return to Mission San Juan Capistrano (California) today. Local police report that they have already arrested nine bird hunters.
The Amazingly Svelte Miss Olive Oyl
The creator of the Popeye cartoon character has finally admitted that Popeye's girlfriend Olive Oyl was in fact afflicted with anorexia nervosa.
Smokey Used To Say: "Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires"
Smokey The Bear's motto: "Only you can prevent forest fires" is being changed to the more modern sounding, "If We Catch Your Ass Starting A Forest Fire, We will Barbecue It For Ya Big Time!"
Snap, Crackle, And Pop
Elfs Snap, Crackle, and Pop of Kelloggs Rice Krispies fame have had bouts of bad luck. Snap is in a Home for Unstable Cereal Figures, Crackle was busted with crack, and Pop has a pill-popping habit.
The Psychological Personality Test (aka - The Paris Hilton Test)
Paris Hilton confided that she had to take the Rorschach Test (inkblots) twice because she failed it the first time.
Belinda "Go Go's" Carlisle
The first celebrity to be eliminated from "Dancing With The Stars" is Belinda Carlisle, singer with the Go-Go's. American voters told Miss Carlisle Go-Go going going gone!"
Sex Offender Complains To Police
Registered sex offender in Idaho complains to police about the number of hopeful old ladies hanging around his front yard all day and night.
Pope Corrects Muslims
Pope tells Muslims that religion rejects violence. Points to long history of Europe, Northern Ireland.
New Pic Of Elderly Charles Manson
Prison releases a photo of an elderly Charles Manson, now only barely able to spin his head around.
Second Rare Hatchling Found
A second rare reptile hatchling has been found in a search of the penthouse apartment of Bernie Madoff 1 hr and 9 minutes ago.
Schwarzenegger To Explain Obama's Position
California's Governor Schwarzenegger to help Obama answer GOP critics, wife to translate for Schwarzenegger to Obama.
New French Protests
France has been hit by a new wave of nationwide protests after their restaurants were given lower ratings in the latest worldwide review!
Two U.S. Journalists Still Held By N.Korea
Two United States journalists that are being detained in North Korea are kept busy writing essays on "How Much I Love Kin Jong Il".
U.S. Jobless Benefits Hit Record High As Fat Lady Sings
U.S. workers on jobless benefits have hit a record high, with some screams breaking glass and scaring dogs all over the country.
Lexus Dethrowned, Whatever
Jaguar, Buick have dethroned Lexus in the latest reliability study although since none of the three are selling worth a hoot, who cares?
2009 The New 1930's?
As recession deepens, more Americans go fishing, catching trains, gather around fires in barrels and making Mulligan stew.
Japan Orders Dinosaur Egg Destroyed
A hatchling of a rare reptile with lineage dating back to the dinosaur age was found in the wild on the New Zealand mainland for the first time in about 200 years. Japan says "Leave that thing alone."
U.S. House To Vote On Taxes
The U.S. House of Representatives is set to vote on 90% tax targeted at executive bonuses, everybody else.
Israel's Katsav Indicted
Former Israeli President Moshe Katsav was indicted Thursday and was charged with raping a woman who once worked for him, eating on Yom Kipper and walking more than a mile on the Sabbath.
Really Bad Burrito
NYC office worker who ate a bad burrito during lunch break leads to evacuation of entire office for a two-day airing out.
Trapped But Clean Prisoners
Soap factory workers in Indianapolis, Indiana trapped for three days inside, because no one could turn doorknobs after a water leak.
Nothings Changed, Worn By Flashers
A new poll redone after a 20-year period years reveals that the favorite phase of flashers is still "Just hanging out".
Wright Helped Obama
Chicago preacher Jeremiah Wright claims he helped get Barack Obama elected for President by pulling in the white collar voters.
Olympic Bronze Winners Angry
Third place Bronze Metal winners at summer olympics in China decry undercoating of metal contains lead.
Old MacDonald Had A Farm
A victim of the enonomic hard times: Old MacDonald's Farm has gone into foreclosure. (E-I-E-I-Oh-No).
Helen of Troy & Ann
If Helen of Troy was the face that launched a thousand ships, then Ann of Coulter is the face that sunk a thousand canoes.
The Barbie Doll's New Employee
The Barbie Doll collection has just added the Raggedy Ann Doll who will be Barbie's housekeeper.
The Lone Ranger's Sidekick
The Lone Ranger's sidekick's name "Tonto" actually means stupid in Spanish. And the words that "Tonto" uttered to the Lone Ranger, "Kemo sabe," are Kiowan for "Your mama."
The Real X Factor
The English alphabet which currently consists of 26 letters will be changed to 25 letters. The letter X has been omitted since it was really just an X-tra letter anyway.
The Baker's Dozen Ain't
A sign that times are really getting tough. A baker's dozen used to comprise of 13 items, now because of the economic crisis it's gone down to 11.
Rosemary's Baby 2009
The 1968 Mia Farrow movie, Rosemary's Baby is being remade. Angelina Jolie will portray the part of Rosemary, and the part of the baby will be played by Whoopi Goldberg.
Rub A Dub-Dub, Three Men In A Tub
A New York City landlord reports hearing three men in a tub. The butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker are all taken to police headquarters for questioning.
UK brings in £50 visa 'surcharge'
From now on every charge you put on your Visa card will have £50 added.
UK Premium Bonds Halve Their Payouts to Customers
Extensive celebrity advertising is extremely expensive, they say.
Pope's condom stance starts row
Why is the Pope even WEARING a condom? And why would he be standing there wearing one?
Billions of TARP funds traced to IMF and acmetal
The new Bilderberg Group bank of acmetal currency, fronted by the U.N. and the IMF, has been the major recipient of the TARP funding, used to create the crisis.. and the solution.
Acmetal to revive global economy
Death metal bands are working overtime to prepare for the April 2 celebration of the new world's currency: acmetal, announces the Bilderberg Group.
Kylie sacks wrong headed pals.
It has been reported by Kylie's new group of pals, that her old pals were recently sacked for mistaking a private comment she made about her wayward dog, for a comment about someone else's cancer.
Shhhh! - Wicked Whisper
Which pintsize Aussie popstrel recently Shocked friends when she apparently was heard bragging on a phone outside her Fulham home, "you've either got it in you to get rid of it, or you haven't"?
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