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Whippersnapper's At It Again

Local Grandpa blames "Young Whippersnappers" for burning his house to the ground once again. "Them little rascals are a public nuisance. But shoot, you're only young once."

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
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Fast Food Health Report

Study reveals that the average American consumers of fast food's health is somewhere between that of Somali and The Black Hole of Calcutta.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
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Pelosi Demands Military Shuttles

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has repeatedly requested military aircraft to shuttle her & her family around the country, according to a watchdog group. "She especially loves to buzz Dick Cheney's house."

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

NBA to sponsor Black History month

"We would be nothing without them" says Commissioner Stern.

written by carlito, 10 March 2009
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Another One Bites The Dust

The controversial appointee to chair President Barack Obama's National Intelligence Council, Chas Freeman, walked away from the job Tuesday as criticism on Capitol Hill and the IRS escalated.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

El Capono Loco

Five severed heads have been found inside ice coolers by the side of a road in Mexico, the work of battling drug lords police say. "It has all the marks of El Capono Loco", stated one.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Georgian Song Disqualified

Georgia's entry has been ruled unacceptable by organizers of the Eurovision Song Contest in Moscow, because of some of its lyrics. "You're darn tootin, we hate old Putin" they say has to be dropped.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

91 Years Go By Fast

Scientists at a climate change summit in Copenhagen said earlier UN estimates were too low and that sea levels could rise by a metre or more by 2100. "And 91 years can go by fast", stated John McCain.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Dow Jumps Jumps

Wall Street Dow Jones jumps nearly 400 points after a sudden goose from CitiBank, Bank Of America.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
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Palin Already Planning 2012 Presidential Run

This should give her time to do some research and find out what a "Bush Protocol" is.

written by Mr. Lizard, 10 March 2009
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Charmin goes home after winning

Charmin, the adorable winner of a prestigious dog show went home today...and pooped on the floor. CHARMIN!

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
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China and US spitting at each other

Thank goodness its out at sea where all that spit will get washed off!

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Fed says crisis over - this was only a drill

If had been a real crisis, you would have reported to your local post office for assignment to labor camps. Zyclon-B anyone? I have some left over.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Russia top heroin buyers

All that fighting in Afghanistan is finally paying off!

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Scientists unleash created life into ecoshpere

It's already biting them in the ass. Click on moniker for details.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Mugabe blames crash on God

God blames Mugabe for Mugabe.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Nano-treatment for torpedo cancer?

Gee, I didn't know torpedos could GET cancer.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Al-Qaeda guy in court wants native dress

Per his request he is being allowed to come into the court room as he would be normally dressed. With an AK47 and 10 hand-grenades. His concern, his peers on the jury might think he was a wimp.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Zoo monkey planning ahead to get high

He was saving up those little blue packets full of aspartame to party on April 1st with the Ameros come out.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Students encouraged to snort aspartame

To make it more convenient for them, blue packages of the power are provided in the cafeterias. Those wishing to inject it into other orifices are provided with straws and diet soda.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Bernanke filling helicopters with money for the big day

On March 31, Ben will fly the helicopter over West LA and drop tons of Ameros into the hands of California's worst. As they demand drugs for the new currency, the underworld will convert over first.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Obama Ends Torture Technique

President Obama who had ordered an end to torture techniques like waterboarding and sleep deprivation has now added the constant playing of Yanni CDs.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Chocolate Ameros will be introduce March 22

While eating the chocolate Ameros, Americans will learn to love them.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

New class of hobo detected on Wall Street

Used to seeing signs, "Will work for food", this reported was shocked to see a group holding signs reading, "Will work for capital."

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
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Amero to be introduced as solace for the evicted

Anyone evicted will be given an Amero card good for all debts .. in Mexico.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
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Gov. Palin found wandering and confused

She was on the road to nowhere looking for the bridge to no where. No body cared.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

New business opens called BOOBOOBUTTON

They will design a button present (a la Hillary) with two idiotic words printed on it to use for the photo op of your choice. Favorite word so far: Launch.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Trial Records Released

The official records of the trial of Osama bin Laden's driver were released tody. Apparently he received 5 1/2 years for terrorism, conspiracy, and driving a camel that once shit on Cheney.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

That zoo chimp that planned the stone attacks?

He is now collecting pennies that idiots throw at him. He is saving up to buy an Amero.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Amero aligning well with Dollar and Pese

As US banks claim they are "making" money, the dollar slips and the Peso rises to allow the Amero the opening. I can't get my lawn mowed without Ameros now.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

China claims the high seas

China claimed that international waters are now theirs, in direct response to TheSpoof coverage of their water sport escapades with the US Navy. What next, the Moon? Ameros don't buy you THAT much.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Polar ice sheets melting too fast

Al gore is worried he may have to move to higher ground, as polar bear poop is melting the polar ice caps faster than anticipated.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

A-Rod In October Slump Again

Alex Rodriquez, after leaving Madonna, was recently spotted with 60-year-old fashion designer Donna Karan. At this rate, his next girlfriend will be Bea Arthur.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Banks turning profitable

That strategy of taking handouts from the tax payers, kicking people out of house, not making loans, and not paying dividends is finally starting to work! This IS hope for America.Ooops. Dollar down!

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Latest On Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh told everyone listening to his radio show yesterday that he is not anti-black. He's simply pro-Michael Richards.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
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"Not Responsible For Accidents"

Winner of the corn on the cob eating contest at the Lincoln County Fair in Maggody, Arkansas leaves winners stand in a really big hurry.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
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Thief Apologizes

Identity thief says he was forced to sell your house cheap because of the gloomy economy.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
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Odds On Asteroid Hitting Earth

Experts say odds of an asteroid hitting the Earth are 10,000 to 1. Odds of "eventually" hitting the Earth sometime in the future are 1 in 1.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
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Sirens On Wall Street

New York City workers have been installing siren warning system in business district that will go off when depression officially hits.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
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Dementia Detected Early

Scientists say dementia begins when a person begins to repeat himself. Scientists sat dementia begins when a person begins to repeat himself.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
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GQ Research On Women

Article in Gentleman's Quarterly claims that women haven't changed since Eve. Still "have nothing to wear".

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

NASA Meltdown

A NASA report claims that 2 trillion tons, 24 pounds and 4 ounces of Polar ice has melted since 2004. Having hotsy-totsy Alaskan Governor hasn't helped.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

U.S. Out $900 Billion

A new report says that the United States has already been out $900 billion on the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan. Critics say we could have paid off all Bernie Madoff's victims with that.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Advisers Want Obama to Blame Bush by Name

...and stop refering to him as "that one".

written by Mr. Lizard, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Brown begging for it

Gordan Brown had capitulated and now begs France to let him in to let him in the EU. April 1st is the expected data for European colonization of the British Subjects.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

China's Oldest Tool Company

One of China's oldest tool manufacturing companies is going out of business due to China's sagging economy. The Chinese Fire Drill Company will close its doors for good this Friday.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Rush "Mushmouth" Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh says that if he cannot be the leader of the Republican Party he will settle for being the king of the Republican Party.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Laura Bush's Award-Winning Muffins

President Bush says that his wife Laura won second place in the 19th Annual Martha White Baking Contest which was held in Forth Worth. Laura took second for her Weapons of Mass Destruction Muffins.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

The Gossamer (BLANK)

Sir Paul McCartney has successfully sued the rock band Gossamer Wings and they will have to drop the word Wings from their name. They announce that their new name will now be Gossamer Beatles.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Condoleezza Rice's First Book

Ex-Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has just signed a three-book deal with Dog Ear Books. The first book will be a cookbook titled, "Rice Pudding."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Wall Street Diversifies

The New York Stock Exchange is trying to help itself out by using a section on the floor as a "Everything For A Buck" store.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Chimp Plans Attacks

A zoo chimp has amazed keepers as he plans attacks in advance by storing up rocks. The U.S. Army say they might come up with a chimp squad, especially for Gorilla Warfare.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Depression Deepens

Another sign that the recession is causing depression all across the U.S., Richard Simmons and Donnie & Marie Osmond are all at the Betty Ford clinic on suicide watch.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Americans Less Religious

A new poll says Americans are less religious than ever before. One exception is in sports as crossing themselves before free throws, after touchdowns and prayers before games up nearly 50%.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Big IRS Roundup

President Obama will begin all over again choosing cabinet members after a raid by the IRS rounded up 39 Senators and 231 members of the House of Representatives for unpaid taxes.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Biden Hurried Stem Cell Passage

Joe Biden apparently pushed President Obama to hurry the new stem-cell bill through after learning that stem cells treatment especially helps with hair plugs.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Charles Barkley's Basketball Team - The Jailbirds

Charles Barkley was released from jail after serving a three day sentence for DUI. Barkley was in good spirits and he told reporters that his basketball team went 3-0.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Two New Nighttime Cars

Ford will soon launch its new hybrid automobile the Ford Harvest Moon, whose MPG goes up from 27 to 37 after sundown. They say it's their answer to Chrysler's hybrid, the Lunar Eclipse.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

The GOP Family Feud

GOP'ers Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich have been going at each other pretty feverishly. Fox wants to turn their politcal feud into a reality show "GOPunks" hosted by Ann "Whoa Trigger" Coulter.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

The Pollen Count

Due to the sad state of the nation's economy, the Federal Weather Bureau is having to lay off 28 pollen counters.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Now That's A Damn Glacier

A team of scientists has discovered one of the largest glaciers in North America. The amazing ice shelf measures 20 miles by 40 miles and is located just outside of Cold Bay, Arkansas.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Goose & Gander Politics

Bird specialists in Toronto, Canada have just disproved the age old theory that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. They say that, that is just not so.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
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Serial Killer Friendly

Neighbors of a serial killer in Beaumont, Texas said the man was very outgoing, often greeting them and others who weren't actually there in a friendly manner.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Cocaine In The Peppers

There was a big surprise at a NYC market yesterday as cocaine was found among the peppers. Police were called out to collect the dope and fend off the arrival of 500 shoppers who had heard the rumor.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Government Jobs Not Bad

In rough times, government jobs have greater appeal according to one road crew shovel leaner. "It's a living", agreed the flagman.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Real Cheers Bartender Laid Off

Eddie Doyle, the real bartender at Boston's Cheers and was the guy who really did know everybody's name, has been laid off. "I was sick to death of Cliff Claven anyway", stated Doyle.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Biden: Afghanistan Worsening

Joe Biden warns of 'deteriorating' Afghan situation. "Worse now than at any time during the last thousand years of fighting" says Vice President, while dodging a shoe.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

There Are Jobs Out There

Even in a recession, some companies are hiring according to information released from Goodwill, Salvation Army, the U.S. Military and Windshield Squeegees, Inc.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Migraines Due To Pressure

Warmer weather and changes in atmospheric pressure may trigger migraines and headaches, rather than pollution, researchers said Monday but had to cut it short because auras had blocked their vision.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Obama Takes On Teachers, Learners

Obama takes on teachers' unions in the north today and those people who learn students in the south, setting higher pay scales for those who do better jobs at teaching and learning.

written by Bureau, 10 March 2009
Rating:

China mad about Amero

The precious Ameros they have are only going to be worth a Peso by the end of the year.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Dalai Lama: China makes life 'hell on Earth' for Tibetans

The Chinese from the main land smell so bad, its been fifty years of hell for Tibetans.

written by disciple, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Warren Buffat on the Amero

"When the Amero goes online April 1st, people will think it is a joke. They won't believe it until their checks bounce because they failed to convert. And the longer they wait, the less they'll get.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Stem cell approval good for Thunderbird sales

There is a liquor store right next to the sperm bank.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Bible can't stop bullet

Bible author being sued.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Pro Taliban rallies held

No, not in the Middle East, on the White House lawn.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Buffet says economy over the cliff

He should know. He was standing under it.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

China rolls in the tanks to Tibet

Monks not perturbed; seen levitating over tanks while taking leaks.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

TheSpoof counsel for the American Idle 13

Don't quit that day job, unless it involves music.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

In the news: Americans not religious?

I think Satan would disagree. He has TONS of followers.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Stem cell approval draws rousing cheers from rough crowd

The line wrapped around the block at the sperm bank, where once again 'big bucks' are being paid. Men in line started cheering on the news.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

China playing water sports with US Navy

Chinese are spending their Ameros fuelishly, running rings around US Navy ships. Don't worry, General Pyle is all over it.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
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Box office dominated by 'Watchmen"

When police came, they warned the watchmen to get back to work and stop dominating the poor girl behind the ticket counter.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
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Even more bad news on climate change

Al Gore overheats, raising Earth's temperature .00000004 degrees.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Zoo chimp plans attacks, stashes rocks

Army recruiting him now.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

U Boob to block high school diet cola movies

Too many rectums are getting blown out with diet cola and menhos.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
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Tibet uprising

Protesting monks levitated down main street.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Africa hit by crunch

As giant tiger eats a whole village.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Kangaroo shreds man's underpants

The Kangaroo had a chimp named Joey.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Dire news on broadband funding

Broads are getting so fat, we cant band them anymore.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Detroit car workers agree to new terms

They will sleep in the back of the cars they are working on, for just 3 hours a day.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Pakistan government confesses

We shot the Sharif!

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Uno Mas bad news on global warming

It's so hot, Al Gore took his shirt off.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

The two cargo ships that colided off Japan?

One was full of Ameros, the other full of Pesos.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Daili Lama engaged

He and Barby will be living in Shanghai.

written by Aspartame Boy, 10 March 2009
Rating:

The Richter Scale Is Missing

The Richter Scale which is used to determine the magnitude of an earthquake as recorded by seismographs has been stolen. The American Earthquake Agency would like it returned by 6.3 tomorrow morning.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

The Bonsai Dwarf Trees

U.S. Customs agents intercepted an illegal shipment of dwarf Japanese Bonsai Trees. The agents first became suspicious when they saw all of the dwarf woodpeckers hanging around.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Visit Hawaii and See Arizona and California

Scientist have just discovered that the Grand Canyon is actually an earthquake fault like the San Andreas Fault in California. They have no idea how it could have been overlooked for so long.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

Donald Rumsfeld Still Looking For A Job

Donald Rumsfeld, the ex-secretary of state under Bush says he hasn't been able to find a job. So he's decided to take an Internet course to become a Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus clown.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
Rating:

It Ain't The Hurricane's Eye

Weather experts who have been conducting a research study on hurricanes report that the term 'the eye of the storm' is actually a misnomer. They state the correct term is 'the nose of the storm.'

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 March 2009
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