Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 10 March 2009
Whippersnapper's At It Again
Local Grandpa blames "Young Whippersnappers" for burning his house to the ground once again. "Them little rascals are a public nuisance. But shoot, you're only young once."
Fast Food Health Report
Study reveals that the average American consumers of fast food's health is somewhere between that of Somali and The Black Hole of Calcutta.
Pelosi Demands Military Shuttles
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has repeatedly requested military aircraft to shuttle her & her family around the country, according to a watchdog group. "She especially loves to buzz Dick Cheney's house."
NBA to sponsor Black History month
"We would be nothing without them" says Commissioner Stern.
Another One Bites The Dust
The controversial appointee to chair President Barack Obama's National Intelligence Council, Chas Freeman, walked away from the job Tuesday as criticism on Capitol Hill and the IRS escalated.
El Capono Loco
Five severed heads have been found inside ice coolers by the side of a road in Mexico, the work of battling drug lords police say. "It has all the marks of El Capono Loco", stated one.
Georgian Song Disqualified
Georgia's entry has been ruled unacceptable by organizers of the Eurovision Song Contest in Moscow, because of some of its lyrics. "You're darn tootin, we hate old Putin" they say has to be dropped.
91 Years Go By Fast
Scientists at a climate change summit in Copenhagen said earlier UN estimates were too low and that sea levels could rise by a metre or more by 2100. "And 91 years can go by fast", stated John McCain.
Dow Jumps Jumps
Wall Street Dow Jones jumps nearly 400 points after a sudden goose from CitiBank, Bank Of America.
Palin Already Planning 2012 Presidential Run
This should give her time to do some research and find out what a "Bush Protocol" is.
Charmin goes home after winning
Charmin, the adorable winner of a prestigious dog show went home today...and pooped on the floor. CHARMIN!
China and US spitting at each other
Thank goodness its out at sea where all that spit will get washed off!
Fed says crisis over - this was only a drill
If had been a real crisis, you would have reported to your local post office for assignment to labor camps. Zyclon-B anyone? I have some left over.
Russia top heroin buyers
All that fighting in Afghanistan is finally paying off!
Scientists unleash created life into ecoshpere
It's already biting them in the ass. Click on moniker for details.
Mugabe blames crash on God
God blames Mugabe for Mugabe.
Nano-treatment for torpedo cancer?
Gee, I didn't know torpedos could GET cancer.
Al-Qaeda guy in court wants native dress
Per his request he is being allowed to come into the court room as he would be normally dressed. With an AK47 and 10 hand-grenades. His concern, his peers on the jury might think he was a wimp.
Zoo monkey planning ahead to get high
He was saving up those little blue packets full of aspartame to party on April 1st with the Ameros come out.
Students encouraged to snort aspartame
To make it more convenient for them, blue packages of the power are provided in the cafeterias. Those wishing to inject it into other orifices are provided with straws and diet soda.
Bernanke filling helicopters with money for the big day
On March 31, Ben will fly the helicopter over West LA and drop tons of Ameros into the hands of California's worst. As they demand drugs for the new currency, the underworld will convert over first.
Obama Ends Torture Technique
President Obama who had ordered an end to torture techniques like waterboarding and sleep deprivation has now added the constant playing of Yanni CDs.
Chocolate Ameros will be introduce March 22
While eating the chocolate Ameros, Americans will learn to love them.
New class of hobo detected on Wall Street
Used to seeing signs, "Will work for food", this reported was shocked to see a group holding signs reading, "Will work for capital."
Amero to be introduced as solace for the evicted
Anyone evicted will be given an Amero card good for all debts .. in Mexico.
Gov. Palin found wandering and confused
She was on the road to nowhere looking for the bridge to no where. No body cared.
New business opens called BOOBOOBUTTON
They will design a button present (a la Hillary) with two idiotic words printed on it to use for the photo op of your choice. Favorite word so far: Launch.
Trial Records Released
The official records of the trial of Osama bin Laden's driver were released tody. Apparently he received 5 1/2 years for terrorism, conspiracy, and driving a camel that once shit on Cheney.
That zoo chimp that planned the stone attacks?
He is now collecting pennies that idiots throw at him. He is saving up to buy an Amero.
Amero aligning well with Dollar and Pese
As US banks claim they are "making" money, the dollar slips and the Peso rises to allow the Amero the opening. I can't get my lawn mowed without Ameros now.
China claims the high seas
China claimed that international waters are now theirs, in direct response to TheSpoof coverage of their water sport escapades with the US Navy. What next, the Moon? Ameros don't buy you THAT much.
Polar ice sheets melting too fast
Al gore is worried he may have to move to higher ground, as polar bear poop is melting the polar ice caps faster than anticipated.
A-Rod In October Slump Again
Alex Rodriquez, after leaving Madonna, was recently spotted with 60-year-old fashion designer Donna Karan. At this rate, his next girlfriend will be Bea Arthur.
Banks turning profitable
That strategy of taking handouts from the tax payers, kicking people out of house, not making loans, and not paying dividends is finally starting to work! This IS hope for America.Ooops. Dollar down!
Latest On Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh told everyone listening to his radio show yesterday that he is not anti-black. He's simply pro-Michael Richards.
"Not Responsible For Accidents"
Winner of the corn on the cob eating contest at the Lincoln County Fair in Maggody, Arkansas leaves winners stand in a really big hurry.
Identity thief says he was forced to sell your house cheap because of the gloomy economy.
Odds On Asteroid Hitting Earth
Experts say odds of an asteroid hitting the Earth are 10,000 to 1. Odds of "eventually" hitting the Earth sometime in the future are 1 in 1.
Sirens On Wall Street
New York City workers have been installing siren warning system in business district that will go off when depression officially hits.
Dementia Detected Early
Scientists say dementia begins when a person begins to repeat himself. Scientists sat dementia begins when a person begins to repeat himself.
GQ Research On Women
Article in Gentleman's Quarterly claims that women haven't changed since Eve. Still "have nothing to wear".
A NASA report claims that 2 trillion tons, 24 pounds and 4 ounces of Polar ice has melted since 2004. Having hotsy-totsy Alaskan Governor hasn't helped.
U.S. Out $900 Billion
A new report says that the United States has already been out $900 billion on the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan. Critics say we could have paid off all Bernie Madoff's victims with that.
Advisers Want Obama to Blame Bush by Name
...and stop refering to him as "that one".
Brown begging for it
Gordan Brown had capitulated and now begs France to let him in to let him in the EU. April 1st is the expected data for European colonization of the British Subjects.
China's Oldest Tool Company
One of China's oldest tool manufacturing companies is going out of business due to China's sagging economy. The Chinese Fire Drill Company will close its doors for good this Friday.
Rush "Mushmouth" Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh says that if he cannot be the leader of the Republican Party he will settle for being the king of the Republican Party.
Laura Bush's Award-Winning Muffins
President Bush says that his wife Laura won second place in the 19th Annual Martha White Baking Contest which was held in Forth Worth. Laura took second for her Weapons of Mass Destruction Muffins.
The Gossamer (BLANK)
Sir Paul McCartney has successfully sued the rock band Gossamer Wings and they will have to drop the word Wings from their name. They announce that their new name will now be Gossamer Beatles.
Condoleezza Rice's First Book
Ex-Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has just signed a three-book deal with Dog Ear Books. The first book will be a cookbook titled, "Rice Pudding."
Wall Street Diversifies
The New York Stock Exchange is trying to help itself out by using a section on the floor as a "Everything For A Buck" store.
Chimp Plans Attacks
A zoo chimp has amazed keepers as he plans attacks in advance by storing up rocks. The U.S. Army say they might come up with a chimp squad, especially for Gorilla Warfare.
Another sign that the recession is causing depression all across the U.S., Richard Simmons and Donnie & Marie Osmond are all at the Betty Ford clinic on suicide watch.
Americans Less Religious
A new poll says Americans are less religious than ever before. One exception is in sports as crossing themselves before free throws, after touchdowns and prayers before games up nearly 50%.
Big IRS Roundup
President Obama will begin all over again choosing cabinet members after a raid by the IRS rounded up 39 Senators and 231 members of the House of Representatives for unpaid taxes.
Biden Hurried Stem Cell Passage
Joe Biden apparently pushed President Obama to hurry the new stem-cell bill through after learning that stem cells treatment especially helps with hair plugs.
Charles Barkley's Basketball Team - The Jailbirds
Charles Barkley was released from jail after serving a three day sentence for DUI. Barkley was in good spirits and he told reporters that his basketball team went 3-0.
Two New Nighttime Cars
Ford will soon launch its new hybrid automobile the Ford Harvest Moon, whose MPG goes up from 27 to 37 after sundown. They say it's their answer to Chrysler's hybrid, the Lunar Eclipse.
The GOP Family Feud
GOP'ers Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich have been going at each other pretty feverishly. Fox wants to turn their politcal feud into a reality show "GOPunks" hosted by Ann "Whoa Trigger" Coulter.
The Pollen Count
Due to the sad state of the nation's economy, the Federal Weather Bureau is having to lay off 28 pollen counters.
Now That's A Damn Glacier
A team of scientists has discovered one of the largest glaciers in North America. The amazing ice shelf measures 20 miles by 40 miles and is located just outside of Cold Bay, Arkansas.
Goose & Gander Politics
Bird specialists in Toronto, Canada have just disproved the age old theory that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. They say that, that is just not so.
Serial Killer Friendly
Neighbors of a serial killer in Beaumont, Texas said the man was very outgoing, often greeting them and others who weren't actually there in a friendly manner.
Cocaine In The Peppers
There was a big surprise at a NYC market yesterday as cocaine was found among the peppers. Police were called out to collect the dope and fend off the arrival of 500 shoppers who had heard the rumor.
Government Jobs Not Bad
In rough times, government jobs have greater appeal according to one road crew shovel leaner. "It's a living", agreed the flagman.
Real Cheers Bartender Laid Off
Eddie Doyle, the real bartender at Boston's Cheers and was the guy who really did know everybody's name, has been laid off. "I was sick to death of Cliff Claven anyway", stated Doyle.
Biden: Afghanistan Worsening
Joe Biden warns of 'deteriorating' Afghan situation. "Worse now than at any time during the last thousand years of fighting" says Vice President, while dodging a shoe.
There Are Jobs Out There
Even in a recession, some companies are hiring according to information released from Goodwill, Salvation Army, the U.S. Military and Windshield Squeegees, Inc.
Migraines Due To Pressure
Warmer weather and changes in atmospheric pressure may trigger migraines and headaches, rather than pollution, researchers said Monday but had to cut it short because auras had blocked their vision.
Obama Takes On Teachers, Learners
Obama takes on teachers' unions in the north today and those people who learn students in the south, setting higher pay scales for those who do better jobs at teaching and learning.
China mad about Amero
The precious Ameros they have are only going to be worth a Peso by the end of the year.
Dalai Lama: China makes life 'hell on Earth' for Tibetans
The Chinese from the main land smell so bad, its been fifty years of hell for Tibetans.
Warren Buffat on the Amero
"When the Amero goes online April 1st, people will think it is a joke. They won't believe it until their checks bounce because they failed to convert. And the longer they wait, the less they'll get.
Stem cell approval good for Thunderbird sales
There is a liquor store right next to the sperm bank.
Bible can't stop bullet
Bible author being sued.
Pro Taliban rallies held
No, not in the Middle East, on the White House lawn.
Buffet says economy over the cliff
He should know. He was standing under it.
China rolls in the tanks to Tibet
Monks not perturbed; seen levitating over tanks while taking leaks.
TheSpoof counsel for the American Idle 13
Don't quit that day job, unless it involves music.
In the news: Americans not religious?
I think Satan would disagree. He has TONS of followers.
Stem cell approval draws rousing cheers from rough crowd
The line wrapped around the block at the sperm bank, where once again 'big bucks' are being paid. Men in line started cheering on the news.
China playing water sports with US Navy
Chinese are spending their Ameros fuelishly, running rings around US Navy ships. Don't worry, General Pyle is all over it.
Box office dominated by 'Watchmen"
When police came, they warned the watchmen to get back to work and stop dominating the poor girl behind the ticket counter.
Even more bad news on climate change
Al Gore overheats, raising Earth's temperature .00000004 degrees.
Zoo chimp plans attacks, stashes rocks
Army recruiting him now.
U Boob to block high school diet cola movies
Too many rectums are getting blown out with diet cola and menhos.
Protesting monks levitated down main street.
Africa hit by crunch
As giant tiger eats a whole village.
Kangaroo shreds man's underpants
The Kangaroo had a chimp named Joey.
Dire news on broadband funding
Broads are getting so fat, we cant band them anymore.
Detroit car workers agree to new terms
They will sleep in the back of the cars they are working on, for just 3 hours a day.
Pakistan government confesses
We shot the Sharif!
Uno Mas bad news on global warming
It's so hot, Al Gore took his shirt off.
The two cargo ships that colided off Japan?
One was full of Ameros, the other full of Pesos.
Daili Lama engaged
He and Barby will be living in Shanghai.
The Richter Scale Is Missing
The Richter Scale which is used to determine the magnitude of an earthquake as recorded by seismographs has been stolen. The American Earthquake Agency would like it returned by 6.3 tomorrow morning.
The Bonsai Dwarf Trees
U.S. Customs agents intercepted an illegal shipment of dwarf Japanese Bonsai Trees. The agents first became suspicious when they saw all of the dwarf woodpeckers hanging around.
Visit Hawaii and See Arizona and California
Scientist have just discovered that the Grand Canyon is actually an earthquake fault like the San Andreas Fault in California. They have no idea how it could have been overlooked for so long.
Donald Rumsfeld Still Looking For A Job
Donald Rumsfeld, the ex-secretary of state under Bush says he hasn't been able to find a job. So he's decided to take an Internet course to become a Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus clown.
It Ain't The Hurricane's Eye
Weather experts who have been conducting a research study on hurricanes report that the term 'the eye of the storm' is actually a misnomer. They state the correct term is 'the nose of the storm.'
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