Spoof news snippets from Sunday 7 June 2009
John McCain Is Asked About Sarah Palin
Senator John McCain was recently asked if he missed his old presidential running mate Sarah Palin. McCain smiled and said, "Yeah I miss her. I miss her like I miss a badger in my boxer shorts."
Madonna Using The "N" Word Again!
Fifty-year-old Madonna says she wants to adopt a Nigerian baby. When the Rev. Al Sharpton found out he said "Madonna had better stop using the "N" word when she talks about African babies!"
The Sad State of The Bailing Wire Business
The Geronimo Bailing Wire Company of Des Moines, Iowa says that they'll need a Federal "Bailout" or they will have to file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.
Obama Fires Aid
President Barack Obama fires his third turd polisher within the past month.
In Davis, CA, a man who used to perform autopsies has been arrested for taking home 157 pounds of human body parts. His bail cost him an arm and a leg.
Nkorea Missile Could Hit Alaska
Alaskans are concerned over the prospect that North Korea is getting ready to test a long-range missile that could reach their state. "I'll be right here & blast it with my shotgun", says Guv. Palin.
Jim Gone Bankrupt
Man named Jim in Horse Branch, Kentucky going around telling neighbors, "We're bankrupt. I heared in on the ABC TV News. Charley Gibson says Jim is bankrupt."
IRA Lead Then Astray
Confused investors continue to try and withdraw thousands from Irish Republican Army that they were tricked into contributing to during the past 30 years.
Huntsville, Alabama man lying on operation table has a near-death experience of hemorrhoids. "I saw my dead Aunt Ethel's hemorrhoids", says Patient. "There was this big tunnel with hemorrhoids."
Red Cross demands warmer, fresher eggs for our Guantanamo prisoners. Demand that free range chickens be brought to island. Starbucks built. Water Boards be sterilized.
Mad Max In A Close One
According to exit polls, Mel Gibson looks like a close winner over Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears as Hollywood's 2009 Idiot of the Year.
Baseball Season May Be Over
Little League Baseball season ends early due to violence. Won't reopen until parents quit fighting in stands.
"Nice Profile There In PJ's!"
Former male model, now 79, spends most of his days looking back at himself in old Sears & Roebucks catalogs.
Suppository Bomber Dead
"The Suppository Bomber" shoots himself after all he could manage was a weak fizzle!
Stupid Kid Rescued
Stupid kid rescued from abandoned refrigerator at dump. "It's a good thing our Night Train wine was in there", say bums.
Pigs Still After Hippy
Old School Hippy claims the pigs are still out to get him, Man. Trying to give him that Swine Flu, "even here at the "No Hassle Castle".
Minor Earthquake In California
A 4.9 earthquake has hit southern California causing tall buildings to sway, face lifts to quiver and Cher to drag her ass all over town.
Castro Bros Invite Obama
The Castro brothers, Fidel and Raul invite President Barack Osama to Cuba for high level talks, will execute 10,000 dissident in his honor!
Schwarzenegger's Latest Proposal
Schwarzenegger suggests state consider flat tax. Then goes out and flattens everyone who disagrees with him.
Whole Village Yellow!
The Big Bad Wolf's huffing and puffing scatters dandelions all over Storyville, but does he give a hoot? Well..only when grandma gooses him!
Andrew Jackson' Ghost
Ghost of Andrew Jackson at White House keeps asking, "How did you little black girls get in here all night?"
Homes for GITMO Detainees Found
ACLU and Human Rights Watch executives agreed to take all 250 detainees from GITMO. A detainee will be boarded in a spare bedroom of 250 member family's homes. President Obama can now close GITMO.
Calif Taxes Up Again
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger tells state tax payers to "go out there and win one for the Groper."
Lions May Be Killers This Year
National Football League Rules Committee demand that Detroit Lions be replaced by Tamil Tigers given sanctuary in the US.
OctoMom's Record Broken
St. Louis, Missouri woman, originally from Chernobyl tops "Octomom" by giving birth to 27 babies.
Lassie Caused Jeff, Timmy's "Accidents"
This Day In History: 1959, Famous television dog star, Lassie, accidentally breaks Jeff's mirror, has 49 years of bad luck.
Miss. Man Sues Government
500-Pound Mississippi man sues the government after being encouraged to get out and consume more!
Bin Laden Been Had?
Report: Bin Laden may have died from consuming tainted food made in China, purposely dropped by parachute near Afghan cave areas.
The Long Lost Tribe of Peru - Lost and Found
The long lost tribe of Peru, the Tantayicki's, which were found on May 31, 2009, have apparently been lost again. Searchers are combing the Andes Mountains with very large hair brushes.
Hulk Hogan vs. Linda Hogan
Hulk Hogan fires back at his ex-wife Linda for calling him Bulk Hogan. He says that he doesn't want to talk about her well-endowed jugs but he adds she is helping to keep the plastic industry afloat.
Obama & Sarkozy - Two Presidential Pals
French President Nicolas Sarkozy says that he really likes President Obama. He said that he understands him. He said with Bush it was, "How y'all doin'? and I would think, how we all doing what?"
Rush Limbaugh finally reveals he can hear just fine, he simply doesn't want to listen to anybody.
New Obama Survey
US President Barack Obama claims that private survey of millions of unemployed shows that 88% of them hated their jobs anyway.
Chuck Hagel's Reading
President Obama's Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spotted carrying "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Finding Osama bin Laden" book from a Barnes & Noble Bookstore.
Obama To China?
Communist China say they hope President Obama is not the same as President Bush, but want to see some DNA evidence first.
Armstrong Back To France?
Friends of Lance Armstrong are telling him to enter the Tour de France again if that's what he wants. "We all love the guy, even though he is a 'nutcase'!"
This Is True
According to magazine seen blowing across the street in NYC, Americans are the world's worst at recycling.
He Was Warned
Despite at least twenty years of stern warnings, stupid rabbit dies after eating Trix Cereal.
Obama Speech Approved
Apparently President Obama's vist to the Arab world was a success as each speech was followed by at least 200-300 bullets fired into the air!
Nice Girls More Likely to Get Good Grades at School, Researchers Say
Researchers say that most girls are more likely to get good grades because they are 'nicer'. Of course, this is only theory as a nice girl is yet to be found!
The Real Reason Madonna Dumped Levi Johnston
Madonna revealed to Anderson Cooper that the real reason that she dumped Alaskan boyfriend Levi Johnston (Gov. Palin's ex-future son-in-law) was because he was just too hockey puckish.
Liz "Insert Foot In Mouth Again" Cheney
Listening to Dick Cheney's daughter Liz speak, one can see a perfect example of the old Italian saying, "Like a da papa, like a da daughter." Liz is just like her dad except with slightly bigger mams.
The American Idol Family
FROM THE WHERE ARE THEY NOW DEPARTMENT: Where are Antonella Barba, Haley Scarnato, and Chikieze?...No one knows.
The Madonna vs. Angelina Adoption Race
Angelina Jolie says that she will be traveling to the North Pole to adopt a baby. and Madonna counters by saying that she will be traveling to the South Pole to adopt two babies.
The Fidel Castro Spy Syndrome
The North American Spy Agency has issued a report stating that the reason that Cuban spies are so hard to detect in this country is because most of them look like Cuban-Americans.
Robert Di Niro's "Unfan"
Robert Di Niro was accosted by an inebriated fan. He said she asked for his autograph, his shirt, a cheeseburger, and Al Pacino's cell phone number.
Who The Hell Is Sandra Bernhard?
Sandra Bernhard says that Lady GaGa lacks longevity and that she will not be in the spotlight much longer. Sandra Berhard? Wasn't she once Madonna's 'food taster?'
The Circus Known as Britney Spears
Ticket sales for Britney Spears' Circus Tour have dropped of considerably. Promoters are considering renaming it The Britney Spears' Carnival Tour.
The Crazy World of Rock & Roll Politics
Nirvana bass player Krist Novoselic wants to run for county clerk in Wahkiakum County in Washington state. Meanwhile over in England Amy Winehouse says she wants to become the assistant queen.
No Ransome Paid
Government right not to pay ransom, says the family of beheaded Briton. "I mean, it's a little late for that, isn't it?"
Dogs Add Their Voices, Poop
Dogs outside #10 Downing Street refuse to quit howling until Prime Minister Brown steps down..also, needs to watch where he steps.
Brangelina In Seperate Houses
Separate bedrooms? Brad and Angelina are now sleeping in separate houses, but have a nightly "get-together" before sleep.
Body In Wheelie Bin
Woman's body found in wheelie bin. Police suspect the incident is part of the Wheelie Bin Wars over disputed drug territory.
Shanghai Gay Festival
A week-long gay pride festival gets under way in Shanghai this weekend, the first time the city has held an event like it since the days of the Faggot Dynasty.
Scientists Studying Zebrafish
US scientists, working on zebrafish, which have similar genes to humans, found a burst of hydrogen peroxide is released following injury, instead of human habit of pissing pants.
Fidel Still Commenting
Fidel Castro no longer rules Cuba, but regularly comments on world events for hours at a time, that everyone is ordered to listen to or else.
Brown Taking Shots
Lord Mandelson has told Labour MPs to "stop taking shots" at Gordon Brown, but ex-cabinet minister Lord Falconer has called for a leadership debate. "We still have plenty of ammo", says Lord Falconer.
Females Ahead At UK Universities
Female students are ahead of men in almost every measure of UK university achievement, according to a report from higher education researchers. "Of course, things will change at once workplace."
Somalis Kill Radio Director
Gunmen kill Somali radio director, after being fed up with The Oldies Station. Friend says he only had five records to play.
Peru Army Checkpoints
Peru's army has set up checkpoints and imposed curfews in the jungle state of Amazonas after clashes between police and indigenous protesters. "Most of the natives are restless at night", states one.
Man Arrested After Threats
Man sought for threatening president arrested..without even getting his name into the headlines..even here!
More Bones Found
Scientists find still more dinosaur bones at Utah quarry. Apparently it was some kind of hang-out.
Escapees Caught In North Dakota
Alabama escaped convicts caught in North Dakota. One was trying to run fellow escapee through wood chipper.
Prevent Depression in today's Teens With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, say all the big Whatsamacallits!
Lebanese Vote Today
Lebanon votes in closely-watched election. The Ralph Nader/Jamie Farr ticket not expected to do well.
Obama's Flip-Flops for the Public Good! Doesn't want to spread rare foot fungus to the whole world.
Appeals To Supreme Court
Supreme Court asked to block Chrysler sale to Fiat, sale of the United States to China.
Turkish shopkeeper told he must speak English to sell alcohol
A Turkish shopkeeper in Brighton, has been banned from selling alcohol until he learns to speak English well enough to ask customers their age. Only one problem; all of his customers are Turkish!
High Court Judge reveals recent explanations by Teddy Shagnasty as to why he got arrested.
It wasn't me! I was only holding the Dog ! I thought it was Vimto, so I drank it! It wouldn't have been so bad but she bit me with my own teeth!
All Female Apprentice Finalists
The girls who have reached the final in BBC's 'The Apprentice' will be known as the 'SugarBabes'.
Speeches Drawing Bigger Crowds
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton speeches claim bigger audiences after using new titles, "WMDs, Bring It On!" and "I Did Not Have Sex With Those 27 Women!"
D-Day Remembered, Forgotten
Remembered acts of bravery on D-Day remembered yesterday, then forgotten again today.
Taliban Into Europe!
Pakistan army drives the Taliban forces all the way to Europe! Paris falls!
Iran Election Over
Mahmoud Ahaminejad wins presidential election in Iran. Ralph Nader finishes second.
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