Spoof news snippets from Saturday 6 June 2009
Rain Forest Mall
More of the Rain Forest leveled to construct first Rain Forest Mall with Three Rain Forest Starbucks, No Waiting!
Japanese Worker Nervous
Japanese student worker at McDonald's fears being asked to serve at counter because he's sure to slip up and ask if they want flies with that!
Mafia Hit Man Hit!
Two bombs go off in NYC Mafia hit man, Big Joey Minelli's hat, only complains about his ears ringing.
Only Pointing At Balls
In a new trial, the penis-pointing guard in the early photographs from Iraq, pleas guilty to balls pointing, a lesser crime.
"Rice Cake" Diet
Trucker in Alabama told "rice cake" diet he's been losing weight on, by purchasing in WallyMart while on the road, are actually urinal cakes.
Cutting Military Budget
President Obama lobbies congress to Privatize Corporals, as it would help save the military budget from further cuts.
The Dreaded Ohio Carpenter Ants
Farmers in Ohio are reporting that the carpenter ant population has reached epidemic proportions. One farmer said the little hammers are posing a tremendous tripping hazzard for his cattle.
Michael Jackson's Two "Maskless" Kids
Michael Jackson's children, ages 11 and 10 were spotted in public without their usual masks. The two kids however were reportedly wearing Halloween shirts and trick or treat pants.
LeAnn Rimes Says "Country Girls Don't Stalk"
LeAnn Rimes wants the media to stop talking about the fact that they think that she is stalking Eddie Cibrian and go back and focus on the fact that she has little bitty eyes.
The Bumblebees Have Left
Scientists with The Global Insect Commission have determined that the bumblebee has now become extinct in England. One remarked that, that explained the absence of that hideous bumbling sound.
Another Postal Blow-out!
In Atlanta, Georgia a postage meter went on the rampage today and stamped three customers to death!
WallyMart Different In South
WallyMart in the south refuses to sell customers Day-After Pills, pitchforks, any devil's food cake.
Committee Announces Findings
Results of 25 congress committee members study of the amount of waste in the nation's government this expensive study to date.
Gore Purchases More Carbon Footprints
Al Gore purchases still more carbon footprints so he can consume twice his share of the earth's produce.
New Law Fully Supported
The United States congress has announced today that they have complete bipartisan support on new "What Happens In DC, Stays In DC" law.
Small Town Hero Arrives
Small town hero who broke the fall of a guy attempting 6th floor suicide in Boston, welcomed home with open coffin!
It's June...so it must be snowing: Great British summer goes from sweltering to shivering in just a week. Many calling for Al Gore's balls on a platter.
Prince Charles, PM Brown At D-Day Anniversary
Prince Charles and Gordon Brown join world leaders and veterans to mark 65th anniversary of the D-Day landings. Brown's own private D-Day may come this Tuesday.
Bull Breeder Affair
Vicar of Dibley, her broken marriage, and the gossip over a gay affair with the bull breeder in a stetson. Tells reporters that's the first bull she's ever seen in a stetson.
Borrowers Already After Lottery Winner
Broke cowboy lassos a fortune with $232m lottery win. General Motors already come a calling.
Susan Boyle To Sing For Demi and Ashton
Demi Moore wants Susan Boyle to sing at her and husband Ashton Kutcher's wedding anniversary in September. An inside source said that the opening act will be The Rolling Stones.
The Cup-Size Runneth Over
Medical information coming out of The Rocky Mountain Center For Medical Reports in Denver has confirmed that women who have silicone breast implants are very likely to have an increase in cup size.
The Big Change In The NFL Season
The NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has stated that in order to generate more revenue the 2010-2011 NFL football season will officially begin two weeks after Super Bowl 2009-2010.
The Damn Hurricane Season Is Here
Hurricane season started on June 1. Florida and Louisiana residents are already starting to board up their windows.
Calling all tragic fatal practitioners of auto-erotic asphyxiation:
Is it really worth it to have gone out knowing you were well hung?
Blink 182 To Cancel Half of Their Concert Dates
Blink 182 says that due to exhaustion they will cancel half of their tour dates. Their manager states that accordingly they'll also be changing their name to Blink 91.
The Stephen Colbert Report To Report From Baghdad
Stephen Colbert reports he's not afraid to take his show "The Colbert Report" to Baghdad. Sean Hannity counters by saying "That's nothing I'm taking my show to Detroit."
Hulk Hogan By Any Other Name
Wrestler Hulk Hogan admits he has not been working out like he should. He attributes it to the problems with his ex-wife Linda. Linda replies, that maybe he should change his name to Bulk Hogan.
Mickey Rourke's New Challenging Role
Actor Mickey Rourke eager to show his versatility as an actor has signed to portray Scottish songstress Susan Boyle in the MGM movie "48 And Never Been Kissed."
Susan Boyle Has Left The Building (Mental Clinic)
Susan Boyle has left the London Mental Clinic where she had been staying. She said it wasn't bad except for the fact that Amy Winehouse would go on for hours about all of her tattoos and piercings.
Man Sues Hospital
Man suing hospital tells the judge at trial "and I'm 100% sure that when I was admitted, your honor, that I was not sporting this huge rack of tits!"
Super Bowl Halftime Cut Back
Halftime show to be cut down due to expenses in 2010 as a player from each losing NFL team not in the Super Bowl will be chasing down a greased pig.
Seattle Grocery Closes
Grocer in Seattle, Washington claims his biologically-engineered fruit and vegetables are moving around at night, changing places, hiding behind cans of shelves.
New York play closes after only one night as "Feet Of Clay" was done with curtain lifted only two feet off the stage floor.
Weatherman Cracks Up
Weatherman cracks up as station quickly cuts to commercial:
"And over here off the coast we see Popeye the Sailor Man, which I just drew. Popeye is the center of a Hurricane which I call, Popeye!"...
Thrown Off Net
An American ISP allegedly involved in distributing spam and images of sex abuse has been thrown off the net. So you might as well quit looking.
Tributes To Actor Carradine
Tributes paid to actor Carradine: "He beat the living crap out of me", says one. "Why, my arm don't work right to this day, look", says another. "Nocked ouf awl mi teef, he deed", mouths third.
Bats Listen To Others
As if flying around in the dark swooping and diving to catch insects was not tricky enough, bats also listen for their fellow hunters. "Caught a bug the size of your wing!", yells lying Bat, Alfred.
WHO backs new anti-diarrhea vaccine, as owls say they're tired of shitting through their feathers.
Only 345,000 Jobs Cut!
US employers cut 345,000 jobs in May, the US Labor Department has said, far fewer than expected and the lowest monthly job loss since September. Mass rally as people hit the streets in celebration!
Task In Hand
Brown focused on 'task in hand'! Wife tells him, "Will you come on to bed, Gordon, that's not helping anything."
Irish Government Hit In Polls!
Irish government hit in polls! Said to be lying on the ground with hands between their legs in agony.
No Reward For NKorea
No 'reward' for N Korea, US vows. Now, 'taking them out with their nuclear facilities, a different thing altogether'.
Politicians have been shot dead by soldiers in Guinea-Bissau who accused them of corruption. It's a good thing they're all honest in the US and Britain.
Memories Of D-Day!
D-Day landings: Your memories and tributes. "I remember it well", states 89-year-old Billy O'Reilly. "There were leprechauns as far as you could see, if you could see them."
Wind Turbines At Sea
The world's first floating wind turbine is to be towed out to sea this weekend. "These should not only help our energy crisis but help sailors find a shorter route to India", says Sir Alex Peckerhead.
Former Watergate Agent Dies
Former CIA agent Bernard Leon Barker, who took part in the Watergate burglary in Washington more than 30 years ago, has died in Miami at the age of 92, according to old friend Forrest Gump.
Peru Battleground Growing
At least 31 people have died in clashes in Peru between the security forces and indigenous people in the Amazon region.
And now the indigenous people have called for help from the Zulus!
William Burroughs wins 'Britain's Got Talent'
William Burroughs, the dead Beat author of such seminal works as 'The Naked Lunch', celebrated winning the final of 'Britain's Got Talent' with his rendition of 'MMMBop' by Hanson.
Volcanoes erupt in violence
Dormant volcanoes in Peckham have taken part in running battles in the streets of South London, as gangs clashed last night. 'There was magma everywhere' said Etna, 15.
Max Mosley sues M+S; admits dyslexia
Max Mosley has unsuccessfully sued Marks and Spencers for suggesting he took part in M+S shopping sprees at several of their branches.
New Member Of Jackson 5
The Jackson Five finally drops Michael and adds Jesse for his rhyming skills as the group turns to rap.
New Japanese Dog Translating Device Working
Japanese Dog Translator: "You know you're no longer a puppy when you quit chasing your tail and start chasing other's.
Sex with dogs 'is like sex with dogs'
A new scientific study has concluded that the nearest experience to having sex with a dog is 'having sex with a dog'.
Horse wins Derby
A horse has won the town of Derby in a race. It intends to demolish all buildings apart from stables. Glue factories will remain open. 'We're stuck with them, unfortunately,' said the horse.
Berlusconi Grabs EU Spotlight
Berlusconi grabs spotlight in Italy's EU vote as he comes out in swimming trunks and frog feet. French walk out.
Objectivity The Key
GOP says objectivity is key question for Sotomayor. Ex-VP Cheney says he and a puzzled-looking George W. Bush completely agree.
Boys With 'Warrior Gene"
Study: Boys with 'Warrior Gene' More Likely to Join Gangs! However, those with 'Girly Gene' tend to stay home, play computer games. Make their own clothes.
Ted Kennedy bill would make employers provide care. Employers completely agree. Ask for government loans to do so.
Really Really Secret
Officials: Husband-wife spies for Cuba lured by stranger, now claim they never suspected that each other was a spy. "You could have knocked me over with a Feather", states wife.
Help For Refinancing
Can't refinance? Try your congressman. But first, get all the info you can about all those trips he's made using taxparer's money.
Lottery Not To Squander Money
SD lottery winner 'will not squander' $232M prize. Plans to use the money to help casinos stay afloat, support the struggling truffle and caviar industries.
Men Need to Breast-Feed
Couples will not be happy until men breast-feed, whilst still carrying the heavy stuff, of course, a feminist research report says.
Breakfast Cereal and Driving Don't Mix
A driver has been arrested in Needham, Massachusetts for eating a bowl of breakfast cereal while driving. The arresting officer sighted him for Third-Degree Fruit Looping.
The First Mama and The First Kiddoes Visit The Eiffel Tower
The "First Mama" and daughters, Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, visited the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Little Sasha was so excited with it she asked her mommy if they could buy it and put it in their backyard.
"The Bold and The Beautiful's" New Name
The producers of the soap opera "The Bold and The Beautiful" have decided to change the show's name to the much more appropriate "The Bold and The Unemployed."
Britney Spears Wants To Meet The Queen
Britney Spears has said that while she is on a concert tour of Britain that she would love to meet the queen. An unnamed source replied that Elton John's schedule is presently full.
Christie "I Do Four Times" Brinkley
Christie Brinkley, who has been married four times remarked that she'll never get married again. Then in true blonde fashion she added, "Unless of course I get married."
Kelly "I'm Fat" Clarkson Is Tired Of Fat Jokes
Kelly Clarkson says that she is sick and tired of hearing that she is fat. She said she has heard fat jokes for seven years. Okay so here's one more. Kelly is so fat her tonsils have love handles.
Mel Gibson Might Just Be Buying A Church
Mel Gibson lashed out at the members of the California church that he attends. Afterwards he said that if the congregation doesn't stop gossiping about him, he'll buy the church and board it up.
The Very, Very, Very Honest Megan Fox
TODAY'S HEADLINE: Megan Fox admits that she smokes marijuana.
TOMORROW'S HEADLINE?: Megan Fox has been arrested for possession of Marijuana.
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