Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 30 June 2009
NYC Marathon Won By Kenyan Again
Kenyan Runner who broke the sound barrier at New York City Marathon turns out to be President Obama whose Mother-In-Law finished second while throwing dishes.
Lifetime Job Guarantee
According to the latest stats the only vocation that still offers a lifetime job guarantee for a person is that of a suicide bomber.
Bill Medley Problems
Since the death of one time singing mate Bobby Hatfield, friends of Bill Medley say he has become a lot more self-righteous.
The Presidential Duck-Quacking Ring-Tone Interruption
President Obama's press conference was interrupted by a duck quacking ring-tone. The guilty party, a reporter for Fox News, was immediately arrested and led away to jail.
The Formerly Dumped Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Melissa Rycroft
Melissa Rycroft of The Bachelor and Dancing With The Stars is engaged to an insurance agent. She's taken out an insurance policy so in case she gets dumped at least she'll have tons of money.
Mr. or Mrs. Marilyn Manson vs. Lady GaGa
Marilyn Manson offered to give Lady GaGa a free cervical exam. Lady GaGa did not miss a beat and replied that she'll give him/her a free sex-change operation.
Amy "Bow-Wow" Winehouse
A swanky resort in Santa Lucia has banned Amy Winehouse's dogs because the last time she stayed there, they left the suite infested with fleas. Winehouse stated she did not have any dogs...Oops!
The "Jackson Three" Go To Michael's Mom
A judge has awarded temporary custody of Michael Jackson's three children to his mother, Katherine. Madonna and Angelina Jolie who are "Official" adopters are both furious.
France Makes An "Anti-Burka" Statement
France states they will not allow burkas in their country. Al Qaeda threatens violent action. France replies, "Okay, okay, we'll allow them and please accept our sincerest apologies."
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2nd Prize - 2 sets.
Dr. K. Arrested
Dr. Kevorkian picked up drunk at Los Angeles hotel bar after manager calls police when he kept trying to pick up women with, "size 7 coffin banger waiting for you upstairs in 311B?"
There's The Gun & I'm Still Fully Dressed
New York City Marathon still trying to get away from traditional gun firing for start of race, as they average ten false starts every year.
Still Looking For McMahon
Many die-hards still getting up early in the morning looking for Ed McMahon bringing them that American Family Magazine's Million Dollar Check!
Still Had A Good Time
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young regathered in Canada last week for first time in over 20 years and pointed and laughed at each other till they couldn't sing.
Beam Me Up, Scooter Pie!
Star Trek fans riot in Vegas after someone spikes the "Uhura Milk" as police raid hauls off ten yelling "Beam Me Up-Everything from Snoopy to Shitty to Scoobie Doo!"
Disney Having Problems
California economy even hitting the original Disney World, as of next Friday, it will be changed to "Congressional Bailout Land"!
Letterman Can Use This One
David Letterman gave out the top ten reasons you know you were always in love with Michael Jackson, #1 being that you WERE Michael Jackson.
Fonzie Channel Shutting Down
"The Fonzie Channel" will be shutting down for good right after Fonzie makes that dangerous jump over shark-infested waters next week.
TV Gives You A Tan
New High Definition Television presents Channel TAN that will give you a radiation suntan if you'll lie naked in front of the TV. I just happen to have the latest model.
New Samonella Warning
FDA: Latest Salmonella outbreak might be in anything. Please don't eat or drink anything until further notice.
Brazil Tribe Not Lost
Another "lost tribe" discovered in the rain forest of Brazil admit that they aren't lost tribe at all. President Obama's Cousin: "Can't believe you whites fall for same old joke year after year."
Snopes.com Checks It Out
Snopes.com reveals that most old wives tales are nothing more than revised and updated urban legends.
Polar Bears Multiplying
New study reveals there are five times as many "endangered" polar bears today that there were 40 years ago. Those stranded on ice floes flee overpopulation. Hope to find new fishing area.
Supremes Shut Down
The US Supreme Court states that they are tired of same old shit and nonsense. Votes 9-0 to shut down for 2 year vacation.
Obama's Stimulus Package Spent
Study reveals that Obama's first stimulus package in south and midwest spent mostly on guns and Bibles.
Pet Hall Of Fame
White House releases Bo's Official Portrait. It will hang next to official portraits of Barney, Socks, Millie & Martha Washington's tapeworn..
Japanese Robot Doesn't Look Japanese
Robot able to express seven different human emotions unveiled in Japan. Most requested, one with middle finger in the air.
Water-filled Martian Lake
Finally: Proof water-filled Martian lake existed 3.4 billion years ago. Also, remains of an old bit shop.
Only Take So Much Flute
35,000-year-old flute earliest sign Stone Age Man played music apparently clubbed to death for sounding like Gheorghe Zamfir.
Andy Murray complains!
Following last night's almost 4-hour epic at Wimbledon, Andy Murray complained that the match was so long that he needed a break to have a shave because the almost tripped over his beard!
Oh Mighty Churchill!
Police force accused of issuing Muslim detainees with compasses so they can face Mecca to pray, causing them to pray towards statue of Churchill.
Jackson Viewing At Neverland
Michael Jackson's body 'will have public viewing at Neverland Ranch before funeral on Sunday'. Former President Bush will fly over the scene.
Jackson & Rowe Never Had Sex
Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe 'are not biological parents of any of his children' "Funny, we didn't have sex either", states Lisa Marie.
No To ID Cards
The end of ID cards? Now Government reveals they WON'T be compulsory. "Half of them will be stolen anyway."
Royal Marines Protested
Royal Marines abused by anti-war protesters as they hold homecoming parade, ask commander for permission to eat them.
UK Government to study 'White Van Man'
The government are getting very creative in the way they waste taxpayers money. The latest is that they've ordered a study of 'White Van Man'. How much this is going to cost? BIGGEST QUESTION: WHY?
Elephant's Ancestors 'No Bigger Than Rabbits'
Fossil hunters claim that elephant's ancestors were no bigger than rabbits. It's a good job that they didn't breed like them because there would be millions of them and a massive depletion of carrots!
US Pensioners 10 Per Cent Younger Than Their British Counterparts
N.B. this study by scientists EXCLUDES George W. Bush.
Now They're Talking About "The Dog Flu"
There is now talk about the 'Dog Flu' in Florida, New York, Philadelphia, and Denver. Goodness, what's next? Goldfish Flu? Parakeet Flu? Hamster Flu? or maybe the dreaded Pet Peeve Flu.
Very Important Traveler's Advisories
The U.S. Department of Travel is advising travelers to stay away from Honduras because of the political turmoil and instability. They also warn to stay away from Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, and Detroit.
Many People Are Seeking Custody Of Michael Jackson's Childen
There are a lot of individuals who want custody of Michael Jackson's children. Some of these people are Oprah Winfrey, Angelina Jolie, Madonna, Donald Rumsfeld, David Letterman, and OctoMom.
"Jailbird Bernie" Sentenced To 150 Years
The attorneys for Bernard Madoff hope to get his 150 year prison sentence reduced down to at least 100 years.
The World-Hoppin' Bed-Hoppin' South Carolina Romeo
Governor Mark Sanford is now saying that he just did not meet his mistress in Argentina as he originally stated to the media. He also met her in India, China, Iceland, Kenya, and the South Pole.
At $800 Princess Diana's rubber breaks auction records
Not bad for a discarded House of Windsor monogrammed condom fished out of a Buckingham Palace servants' swimming pool.
Madoff's Lucky Escape
American criminal Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years for the $65bn fraud he masterminded this week. "That was close" said Madhoff on hearing the sentence "I thought I was going to get life".
Selena Gomez says Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift intentionally look for media attention
"Certain behaviors are unforgivable. The pressure of the showbiz is not an excuse to this reprehensible drift. These girls always try to attract the attention", Gomez said.
July 4th pauper's burial or Halo! magazine-sponsored funeral extravaganza?
"Helluva no-brainer!" Joe Jackson reckons.
Pretzel moment behind Tony Blair's nasty black eye?
Cherie's wedding ring leaves telltale imprint on hubby's whopping great big shiner...
Andy Murray 11/10 fav to crash out in Wimbledon quarter finals
Aintcha sick of the wingeing little tosser anyway?
Susan Boyle 2nd Place Again
Now Susan Boyle upset because of second place in World's Ugliest Dog Contest. Tries to bite hand of staff bringing her food.
Obama Advised By Staff
President Barack Obama has been advised by his staff to try to reach out for a softer, more graceful glare of disaproval! "No, not like that?"
Case Of The Bigamus Spouses
Morman man kicked out of the religion after seniors find out he has a second group of 27-wifes in Texas.
More Nixon Tapes
Overheard clearly on latest released Nixon tape: "Look guys, I'm going over to China, see my slanted eyes!"
(laughter)"Maybe I'll See Ding Dong, himself.!" (laughter)
Air Boat strikes again
Air Bus's new slogan, "Come swim with us"
Nationals Lose Again
The Washington Nationals lose again, most in the major leagues, keeping up the tradition of losers in Washington.
Missionaries Make Discovery
One John Bradberry and wife in South Africa for the Mormon Church has announced thy have development of a brand new missionary position.
An on-line casino operating from Las Vegas, Nevada accused of Fixing computer mouses.
Gore Feeling Better
The future is looking better says Al Gore, as he looks over plans for Hybrid F-17's, solar powered tanks.
Bob Dole: Bob Dole Almost Killed
Ex-presidential candidate Bob Dole announces that Bob Dole nearly had a bad wreck in Washington DC yesterday.
Argentine Police Search
South Carolina Governor's mistress in Argentina tells police that he has been missing for over three weeks now.
NKorea Mystery Ship
U.S. Warships tracking suspicious North Korean vessel that could be carrying weapons to Middle East. For one thing, over 300 armed guards on deck.
"Guns & Bibles"
Those who do not like President Obama and his remarks about the people with "their guns and their Bibles', showing up at Church with fake Bibles that carry guns.
Obama Sign Anti-Smoking Bill
Immediately after Obama signs family smoking and tobacco control act, Nicoderm Patches promise big support in 2012 election.
Been Missing You
Identical Siamese twins in China, separated at birth, meet again after 21 years, ask to be reattached.
Iran election declared over by leader, Ahdmadinejad celebrates re-election, thanks Ayatollah for his support, one million votes.
LGBT came out with a statement today that, "Homosexuals are gay."
Swine Flu Parties Deadly
Throwing "swine flu parties" in an attempt to get immunity against the virus while it is a fairly mild form is not a good idea, say relatives of those who died "partying".
Jackson Fans Can Get Refund
Michael Jackson fans who paid in advance for the singer's UK concerts have been offered their money back or a souvenir ticket with his covered body being carried to an ambulance as an alternative.
New Earth Map Completed
Most complete Earth map published. This one is so complete in minor details, that it even includes the state of Israel.
Ciara Is A Big Fat Liar!
The confession Ciara made in the BET Awards about Michael Jackson calling her turned out to be a big lie the songstress tried to make up in order to increase the sales of her new album Fantasy Ride.
Wallet Back After 63 Years
Oregon man's wallet returns after 63 years. "When it wasn't in the last place I looked, in 1946, I gave up looking for it."
SC Governor adds to our geography knowledge
We now know the Appalachian Trail really ends in Argentina.
Modest Earners Get Relief
For modest earners, relief repaying student loans, while those bragging on themselves will have to fork over entire amount.
Andy Murray Not Britain's Tennis Messiah
"He's just a very naughty boy" says Mum.
Aaron Carter Is Still Not Over Hilary Duff
Nick carter's brother, Aaron Carter, is planning a comeback to the music scene and the first single off of his forthcoming album, "Let Go", is about Hilary Duff, his girlfriend... Seven years ago!
Cause of death determined in Mays case...
...apparently died from exhaustion trying to scrub that stain out of Michael Jackson's career.
Not Thunder In Memphis
Kids in Memphis hear thunder and ask what it is, told by parents that it's just Elvis kicking Michael Jackson's ass for marrying his daughter.
Actress Gale Storm Dead
Actress Gale Storm dies..remember,.... "My Little Margy"?... Remember?....How about that Michael Jackson dying like that?
Coroner Claude Mudd
After hearing once again that death always comes in threes, Boogertown coroner, Claude Mudd, always makes sure he's never left alone with two of his customers.
Michael Jackson died of aspartame overdose
Autopsy reveals the reason his nose fell off is because all that diet soda he drank turned his skin into skin-pickle. Skin-pickle is a recently discovered garnish for bed-bugs.
Phone Company Declares Bankruptcy
A new phone company has declared bankruptcy, blaming their advertising agency for choosing the really bad name of Magic Jackoff.
American Combat Troops Leave Iraqi Cities
American combat troops are leaving Iraqi cities. Iraqis celebrate with huge car bomb explosions and shootings, continuing their 1200 years of sectarian violence that kills innocent civilians.
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