Spoof news snippets from Saturday 27 June 2009
Obama Shows Flexibility
Analysis: Obama shows flexibility on health care. "I don't need anyone to kiss my ass to make me vote anything up or down because I'm flexible enough to kiss my own ass."
Christmas In July
With the economy in the tank all of 2009, the number one seller this year for Christmas is expected to be air guitars.
Ozzy Looking Fuzzy
Someone in the Osmond family apparently worked Ozzy over pretty good this week as he showed up at emergency claiming his Pet Rock attacked him while he was taking a whiz in the commode.
Kennedy Explains Backing Obana
Asked why he backed President Obama early in his campaign today, Senator Ted Kennedy stated, "Those Kenyans have been winning our Boston Marathon for years."
Court Overthrows Gore Again
The Supreme Court has overturns Al Gore's endorsement of false facts about global warming in the "Chicken Little" Decision!
Kentucky pastor to bless congregation's weapons!
New Bethel Hellfire Tabernacle's Rev Ken Pagano says Jesus Loves a Colt 45!
Jackson was bulimic like Princess Diana!
New video of them throwing up together at Kensington Palace available from ex-royal butler Paul Burrell, price $99.99 (no reasonable offer refused!)
Rupert Grint Has a Strange Experience Kissing Emma Watson
Rupert Grint who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films was told that he would turn to stone if he ever kissed a girl. Today he had to kiss Emma Watson and could feel that happening!
Eating Nuts Can Reduce Risk of Heart Disease in Diabetic Women
Research suggests that eating nuts can reduce the risk of heart disease in women with type 2 diabetes. However, there is no mention of bolts.
Iraqis Take Over Baghdad.
Iraqi local police and military take over control of Baghdad, US will still have it on the weekends and some holidays.
Kerry Changes Hairdo
John Kerry comes hair in style of Oral Roberts. Head now two and a half feet high.
India ID Cards
ID cards for India: 1.1billion citizens will go into second largest citizens' database. First two issued to wrong person.
Selfish Teenagers Thinks Only Of Self
Selfish Teenager jumps to her death from Eiffel Tower, crashing onto roof of packed restaurant 180ft below, ruining everyone's lunch.
Cold Coach Driver
Coach driver refuses to let woman off bus early to be by her dying mother's bedside. Throws her pet dog out the window, takes off as soon as one foot hits pavement.
Big Police Chase
Nine police officers swoop on speeding seafront cyclist. "He was trying to ride without using his hands says", Chief of Police.
King Of Pop Again
King of Pop again... Jackson poised to top UK album chart after death sends sales soaring and pay off all his debts...Hmmmmm? Wonder who he owed?
Eastenders Jackson Short Tribute
EastEnders' bosses filmed a new scene at the last minute to make reference to the death of singer Michael Jackson with a synchronized hanging of children over balcony rails.
"Jackson Loved Kids"
Bruce Springsteen has made a surprise appearance with an up-and-coming group on the new bands stage at the Glastonbury Festival. Asked about Jacko's death, he stated that "He knew Jackson loved kids."
Astrology Goes To Jail
The authorities in Sri Lanka have arrested a popular astrologer who predicted that the president will be ejected from office, police say. "He's now changed his mind, pants", say officers.
Lunch With Buffet
A chance to dinner with investor Warren Buffett has been sold for $1.68m at a charity auction - 20% down on last year's winning bid of $2.1m. "It's still a good deal as that's the Early Bird Special.'
New Transformer Released
The new Transformer toy to be released into stores transforms into a movie theater, then back into a robot man that functions as an usher, floor cleaner, and popcorn maker.
Brett Favre Gets Hand Stuck In Toaster
"I've been working on this throwing arm all month", said Favre, "I couldn't decide if I wanted the toaster lever up or down. I shoved my hand in there, then I couldn't take the heat, I got burned out"
A Pause In Fighting
Terrorists leaders ask the United States cease bombing in Iraq and Afghanistan until after Michael Jackson funeral.
Jonas Brothers Album Takes Dive
Thirty Five Michael Jackson albums knock new previously #1 album by The Jonas Brothers into 36th place.
Anthrax Warning, Update
New Anthrax warning on Television: Be sure that you wear your aluminum foil hat! Anthrax hates aluminum hats. Update: Please disregard our former newcaster's announcement.
Michael Jackson Burial
Michael Jackson left instructions that he only be buried wrapped in a simple gold-threaded, diamond studded shroud.
Happens Every Year
Homeland Security warns U.S. citizens not to get their cocaine powder mixed up in any mailed anthrax powder over the Fourth Of July weekend.
Space Station Troube
Trouble aboard the space station as one astronaut severely dehydrated from not taking the piss.
Tigers Surrender In Sri Lanks
The former head of the Tamil Tigers, who fought Sri Lanka for independence for many years, officially handed over the TV remote Saturday morning.
Suleiman Names Hariri
Lebanon's President Michel Suleiman has named Saad Hariri as the country's new prime minister, following parliamentary election earlier this month. Once again Ralph Nader passed over.
Only 1 Million Cases So Far
US health officials estimate that at least one million Americans have been infected with swine flu since the H1N1 virus emerged nearly three months ago. Admit flu season could bring more.
N. Ireland Group Decommissions
Two Northern Ireland loyalist paramilitary groups have said they have completed decommissioning. "We handed every kind of weapon we had over to some Middle Eastern guys."
No Foul Play
There was no sign of foul play in the death of Michael Jackson, coroners who completed a post-mortem on the singer's body have said. It was a fair fight and the squirrel won.
Rapid deterioration of Jackson corpse precludes official
embalming, exhibition in Hollywood Walk of Fame showcase
Dick Cheney intervenes in Jackson White House mausoleum
burial furor, offers to broker new deal on Ground Zero sepulchre internment.
Michelle Obama inconsolable at loss of White House brassica bed
which Michael Jackson lawyers want bulldozed to make way for official Mausoleum.
Jackson's last Will & Testament claims White House Rose Garden
burial rights....as sanctioned by Ronald Reagan/George H Bush treaty clauses in Princess Diana marriage settlement!
Pope wades into Michael Jackson circus, demands
immediate release of the singer's body: "I fathered him, he's mein, mein, mein for ever!"
Jackson creditors' shock as his Beatles Songbook ownership
is revealed to be a whopping great big fib, protected by the UK Official Secrets Act!
Bodycount grows at Jackson Bel Air mansion formerly owned by Bond star Sean Connery.
FBI poised to excavate pool house following a tip-off.
The Manny Ramirez Update
Manny Ramirez has said that the 50-game suspension has done him some good. He says he's learned how to play golf, how to work a TV remote control, and how to speak English.
Be Careful What You Say In A Cornfield - It Does Have Ears
The Nebraska Center For The Unusual But True Data has discovered that ears of corn can in actuality hear. They cannot hear sounds in the high pitch range, but they can definitely hear.
Michael Jackson's Doctor Seems To Have Vanished
Michael Jackson's physician has disappeared. His receptionist said that he was out making a housecall. Comedian Zydeco Dupree remarks, "What? Lady this ain't Gunsmoke!"
Girlfriend Informs On Mr T
Former girlfriend of Mr. T. says she was tired of being called a fool and that the T. stands for Turd!
PETA Negotiates With Obama
PETA, Greenpeace negotiate a White House "No Fly Zone" treaty with President Barack Obama.
Conan O'Brien Is Really Really Homesick
Conan O'Brien says his 'homesickness' for New York City is getting worse. He told his maid that he never dreamed that he would miss hearing people cuss in 217 languages.
Wynonna Judd Says "No Way Jose!"
The pleasantly ample Wynonna Judd has turned down an offer by the Tournament of Roses Committee Chairman Jose San Jose to appear in the 2010 Rose Bowl Parade as one of the floats.
Miss Brazil Forced To Return Her Crown, Sash, and Lip Vaseline
Miss Brazil has been stripped of her title because of her rather unfavorable remark about Brazil nuts.
Watch For eBay Auction
Fish and Chip serving wrapped up in England version of The Rolling Stone reveals fish had a mouth exactly like that of Mick Jagger.
The South Carolina Governor By Way of Argentina
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has stated that he may end up resigning his governorship in South Carolina and running for governor of North Carolina.
Three Ships Collide Off The Coast of Iceland
The Greenpeace ship crashed into both The Red Seal ship and The Frozen Blue Penguin ship. A reporter for Reuters said that it sure was one heck of a colorful mess.
The Governor Without A Castle
People in Texas are starting to worry because Governor Rick Perry is starting to refer to himself as King Rick The First.
Earp Brothers Helping To Help Pakistan?
Five militants are said to have been killed in a shootout in south section of Pakistan's called the OK Corral.
Queen Naomi of The Land of Campbell
Comedian Zydeco Dupree observed that Naomi Campbell must be slipping. She hasn't embarrassed, insulted, or hit any of her employees so far this month.
Rumor: Michael Jackson Dead
There's a rumor on the internet, not yet officially confirmed,
that Michael Jackson has died.
NATO, Russia Keep Ties
NATO and Russia expected to resume military ties, berets, special badges, insignias and secret decoder rings.
Iran's President Blasts Obama
Iran's president lashes out at Obama. Forked tongue flies out an estimated eight inches.
Big Government Growing
GOP: 'Where are the jobs?' from big fed spending? Both parties agree that we need more government, propose hiring 2,000 more representatives (40 per state) and 500 new senators.
S.C. Governor's Trip
South Carolina's governor's Argentina trip raises a lot of questions, penises.
Malls In Trouble
It's a tumultuous time for retailers & the malls they inhabit. With anxious consumers hoarding cash, retail chains continue to bite the dust. "We're calling it "Mall de mere" stated one.
Madoff Forfeits $171 Billion
Madoff ordered to forfeit $171 billion. "Call my old petty cash manager", states Madoff.
Memories Are Made Of This
For the first time, an image of a memory being made at the cellular level has been captured by scientists. But images can't be released because of XX rating.
Cheerleading Nation's Most Dangerous Sport
Cheerleading continues to cause more serious and deadly injuries by far than other sports. "I get a beer bottle of piss thrown at me nearly every game", says Florida mascot.
Climate Bill Pushed
Obama implores Senate to pass climate bill. John McCain keeps asking his fellow Senators, "Who's this "Climate Bill"?
Michael Jackson "Still Dead"
Michael Jackson has not risen from the dead as his messianic persona suggested. Just a man. Just a man.
No Foul Play in Jackson Death
Because Michael Jackson did not keep chickens, the coroner has practically ruled out "fowl play".
Gordon Brown in Trouble with Social Workers
Prime Minister, Gordon Brown is facing the wrath of social workers today as he stands accused of making MPs the second-homeless.
Michael Jackson To Start New Clothing Line With Gianni Versace...
but they're having trouble sourcing fabrics.
NAACP Asks for Amos and Andy to be Re-Aired
NAACP asks TV station executives to rerun Amos and Andy and the Bill Cosby shows. The current genre of TV Sitcoms and TV commercials portray African Americans as being just as inane as everyone else.
Psychologists Say Jackson Misunderstood Golden Rule
Jesus did not mean that he should do to little boys what he would like them to do to him.
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