Spoof news snippets from Friday 26 June 2009
Authorities Discover Incomplete, "Disturbing" Jackson Family Photobook
Police decline to comment on the pictures of Jackson with his children, except to say that the working title was "Hop on Pop"
Michael Jackson Cause Of Death - De-Furred
Jackson's Death: Oh Ye of Little Faith
Estimates show that as many as 23% of atheists now report a belief in a higher power
Jackson's Death Rocks Business World
Lojack© Corporation says it will discontinue its Lojack For Kids© program
Michael Jackson Busted!
Pays ultimate price in a cosmic episode of "To Catch a Predator"
Michael Jackson's Death Leaves Aftershocks
CEO of Fox Broadcasting Company announces they will be canceling their newest reality program, "Touched by a Jackson"
What the hell's going on around here?
Spoof writer wonders why Jackson stories rack up thousands of views per hour while Farrah Fawcett stories sit idly by, almost completely unread. Notes Fawcett's 1976 poster still #1 pinup of all time.
Fancy footwork, for a phantom...
Michael Jackson's ghost seen Moon-walking up and down Hollywood Boulevard.
Jacko's premature death blamed on anti-aging equipment
Manufacturer of EZ-Rest Hyperbaric Chambers facing suit by MacCauley Culkin after valve in device triggers Jackson's cardiac arrest.
Lohan Giving Up
Lindsay Lohan tells Time Magazine that she's "Giving Up" public life. Invites everyone to come to her place Saturday night to help her celebrate her new more private life.
Jon and Kate to marry Adam Lambert and Miley Cyrus
The four media creations have been feeling left out of the news since the deaths of Ed McMahon, Michael Jackson, and Farrah Fawcett and needed to jumpstart their careers again.
Bush Blames Obama
Former President Bush: No terrorist invasion, 13 trillion dollar or Michael Jackson death on my shift.
FEMA On Way To Jacksons
FEMA has announced that they are on the way to getting help for the Jackson family and to see your local Red Cross.
CBS Evening News Announes Schedule for Tonight's Telecast
There will be 28 minutes of Michael Jackson stories, followed by one minute of Farrah Fawcett coverage and the obligatory one minute of kissing Obama's ass.
Gossips Deny Rumors
The nation's gossips are denying they are having anything to do with all the Michael rumors about the king of popping up everywhere on the net.
New Jackson Movie
A new movie about the King of Pop is already in the works as it will be starring Billy Bob Thornton in the role of Jackson.
Jackson Found Innocent
Latest DNA evidence shows that Billy Jean's kid actually did not belong to Michael Jackson but to Jesse Jackson.
It's A Conspiracy
FBI and CIA both say that all 19 of 911 hijackers once stayed at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch as young teens.
Remember Bin Laden or Logan?
Taliban Leader tells Pakistan TV Bin Laden is alive and well but completely impotent as he cannot get any attention with all this Swine Flu, pirates, Michael Jackson dominating the news.
Texas Hold 'Em
A new paper found by one of the Obama girls shows that Bush invaded Iraq to cover his dad's old poker debt to Saddam Hussein.
Schwarzenegger On Something
Governor Schwarzenegger unveils plan to move the U.S. northward by 200 miles and trading Florida to Canada and a small Hawaiian Island to be named later. Big relief for both countries.
Max Clifford Expresses Regret At Having Sold Soul Too Young
"I just wish I'd hung on a bit longer, I could have got a better deal before it was too late", said the celebrity carer and friend of the famous. "I'm going to hell aren't I?" he added.
TMZ issues Jackson 911 call recording, makes millions
selling on ringtone rights
Posthumous Papal knighthood for troubled singer Jackson?
For services to adolescent good causes.
CIA murdered Jackson!
Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe claims conspiracy plot after O2 Arena concert tickets refund refusal.
Jade Goody crop circle appears in Neverland ranch...
holding 'Full-Up' sign outside the Pearly Gates
Microwave Convention Makes Drunken Statement
Engineers at the Microwave Oven Consortium consider adding an anti-poodle special automatic shut-off control.
U.N. Turd Inspectors Affirm The Worse
United Nations turd inspectors are finding sign after sign that the Swine Flu is only hibernating during summer.
Air Guitatist In Denial
Still another 50-year-old "air guitarist" realizes that he's never going to make it in the music industry, despite 36 tattoos, rings.
Chess Pukes At It Again
In Mountain View, California chess pukes overturn board, cars, smash chess pieces, windshields.
Obama Makes Israel Offer
President offers Israel support for new settlements in return for them taking out Iranian nukes, mother-in-law.
Sxhwarzebegger Doen't Take Hint
California Governor Schwarzenegger doesn't take hint about his fly open during speech when someone whispers "Sailor Shlong is trying to take shore leave, without permission, Sir!".
Chinese Copy of Search Engine
The Chinese have invented their own new search engine. It is allegedly called 'Noodle'. There is also an off-shoot (forgive the pun) for drug users called 'Pot Noodle'.
Blame it on the Google...
Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, blame it on the Google! As reports of Michael Jackson's death came in, Google had a cardiac arrest too as they went into meltdown!
Town Gossip Carrying Tail
Boogertown woman denies the rumors that she's the biggest spreader of tales. "My tail hasn't spread as much as some of my neighbors. Let me tell you...."
Women are at the happiest at the age of 28
Researchers claim that women are at their happiest at the age of 28. Claim what they like! This is a complete and utter lie - women are NEVER happy!
Al Gore Victim Of Talk Radio
Former Vice President Al Gore & his green projects were accused today by Talk Radio of "tilting at windmills, being out in the sun too long".
John Does Meet Congress
Ten John Does appeared before a congressional committee toady to ask for stiffer penalties on those committing identity theft.
Jackson Touched Millions
and a couple of kids
Obama Vows To Bring Jackson Back To Life
In an extraordinary week for Michael Jackson, Barack Obama has stepped in to avoid the singer losing face, by promising to invest billions of taxpayers money into a zombie project.
S.C. Guv Confesses
South Carolina governor Mark Sanford makes tearful apology over affair and reports that he's been on a trip to Poontang, Argentina.
Time Team Shake up and about time too.
Time Team producers said they would get more done in the 3 day time limit by getting Baldrick and that lazy fucker with the wispy white hair and stripey jumper to do some fucking work.
Boring neighbours advice.
Dissuade humorous neighbours from saying 'you can do mine next! when you're cleaning your car by keeping a hammer in your pocket and starting to batter your windscreen when you see them approaching.
No nasty taste in my mouth again.
When posting faeces to Her Majesty the Queen (or other famous personalities, such as Gareth Gates), avoid getting poo on your tongue by using self-sealing envelopes.
Next David Blaine Stunt
"Good Morning America" will feature David Blaine next week who will try to survive for seven days with his head up his ass.
Dozens of California C-5A Transport Planes Bound For a "Secret" Mission
It has been leaked that Governor Schwarzenegger has approved a plan to take the 53,000 illegal aliens incarcerated in California prisons and secretly release them in an isolated area of Montana.
The Iowa School Principal With Tremendous Jurisdiction
An Arizona girl, 13, was illegally strip-searched because it was thought she was hiding Ibuprofen in her panties. Meanwhile in Iowa, a principal found a corncob in an old school marm's bloomers.
Caught Their Attention
Greenpeace representative showing film "The Last Dodo" attended by over 500 women in small town after typo, "Dildo" in local newspaper.
Sammy Sosa's "This Is My Weekly Excuse Of The Week" (Excuse #2)
Sammy Sosa says that he did not take steroids and that his tremendous bulging muscles are a direct result of ingesting Wheaties Breakfast Cereal six times a day.
The Biggest Change In The History of Microsoft
In a move aimed at getting rid of their "Soft" image Microsoft will be changing their name to to Microhard.
New Dental Hygienist
New Boogertown dental hygienist inspires over 100 new customers and have teeth clean & than go to optometrist for eye strain.
Gen Colon Bowel agrees to Jackson DNA paternity test.
"Hopefully Brother Obama's fixed things good & proper in the CIA records department!"
Looks Like It's Adios To Rush, Lou, & Bill
President Obama suggests he may grant amnesty to illegal aliens. Immediately Rush Limbaugh, Lou Dobbs, and Bill O'Reilly have a fit and say that's it they're all moving to England.
President George W Bush denies Jackson was his top
Al Qaeda asset: "Shit, that's Miley Cyrus!"
Pope Joe Ratzinger to officiate at Jackson state funeral
...for the usual $250,000 fee, of course!
White House Stars And Stripes to fly at half mast until
official state funeral of Michael Jackson.
Feverish UFO activity over Neverland prompts Pentagon
rapid response team armed with spacetaser technology!
Cops find second body at Jackson ranch prompting
speculation of a Waco-style suicide cult fiasco
King of Pop in Bleach overdose drama
Pathologist's report reckoned a whitewash.
Japan To Resume Whaling
A clause in the International Whaling Commission convention means countries can hunt whales for research. Japan says they will immediately begin research on their taste.
Research Deemed Sexist
Researchers have found that eating nuts will considerably reduce the possibility of a heart attack in diabetic women. Why only women? Could it be that men already have their own nuts?
Honduran President Ignores Court
Tensions are rising in Honduras after President Manuel Zelaya ignored a court order to reinstate the army chief, pay them for the past six months.
China Blocks Hummer Sale
A Chinese firm's bid to buy the gas-guzzling Hummer car brand will be blocked on environmental grounds, according to Chinese state radio, through all the hacking and coughing.
New Solar Plane
Swiss adventurer Bertrand Piccard has unveiled a prototype of the solar-powered plane he hopes eventually to fly around the world, or at least the sunny parts, as it flies at 1,000 feet.
G-8 Gets Tough
Foreign ministers from G8 countries have "deplored" the post-election violence in Iran and called on the authorities to respect human rights or we'll hold our breath until we turn blue.
Michael Jackson to Go for Recycling
Parts of Michael Jackson that are not biodegradable (that's most of him) will go for recycling.
No More White Gloves
Over 250,000 Michael Jackson's personal white gloves have already been sold on eBay before it was closed down.
SC Governor Missing
South Carolina governor, trying to recover amid ouster calls, decides to disappear for a few days.
In Other News...
Michael Jackson is dead. Meanwhile North Korea has hit South Korea with two nuclear bombs, The Queen abdicates the thrown of England and President Obama has fatally shot his mother-in-law to death.
Cape Carnaveral Cahnges Name Again
Cape Canaveral, which once change it's name to Cape Kennedy & than back to Cape Canaveral, changed it's name this morning to Cape Michael Jackson, then to Cape Farrah Fawcett.
Rhode Island To Change Name?
The country's smallest state has the longest official name: "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations." has decided to change it's name to Jacko.
King Of Pop Gone
Michael Jackson, the 'King of Pop,' apparently pops off at age of 50.
Jacko death an opportunity
Memo to all recording artists: This would be a very good time to release all your latest and worst tracks.
So, does anyone have any returns for the O2 concerts?
Uri's Back Baby!
Oh no, I suppose this means we're now going to have to listen to hours of interviews with Uri (I have a book coming out on him) Geller!
Buy Michael Jackson Dies
Find discount Michael Jackson dies in eBay shops now!
The Great State of Arkansas' New Driving Law
Arkansas passes an "Anti-Texting While Driving" Law. The first offense will result in a $500 fine. The second offense will result in being put in jail and beaten with a computer keyboard.
Sanford and Son - The Old NBC Sitcom
NBC capitalizing on The Governor Mark Sanford "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" extra-marital affair re-issues CD's of the old sit-com Sanford and Son. Sales go through the roof.
Good Old Governor Sanford Will Reimburse South Carolina
Governor Mark Sanford says he will reimburse South Carolina for his little trip to Argentina. He has agreed to pay back $8,000 for hotel and meal costs plus an extra $700 for condoms.
You Must Be This Tall To Ride
The world's fattest man Twill Rigadoon who weighs 1,297 pounds has just been hired by Six Flags of Texas to be its latest attraction ride The Tilt-A-Twill.
The Happy Newlywed Ricey Couple
China has banned the age old tradition of throwing rice at weddings. Effective immediately rice throwing will be replaced with peas throwing.
The Missile Is Now Leaving For Hawaii
An rich elderly couple living in Honolulu heard that North Korea is planning on firing a missile towards Hawaii. They quickly go on eBay and purchase an anti-missile.
A woman in Bisbee, Arizona who cannot afford health insurance delivers her own baby. She then sends herself a bill for $2,000. She can't pay it. And she has herself arrested for non-payment.
South Carolina Might Lose It's Governor
A GOP leader, Glenn McCall wants Governor Mark Sanford to resign because of his extra-marital affair with "That Argentinian Woman." Sanford responds by saying, "Bite me!"
First Came The 'Ant Farm'
A man in El Paso takes the 'Ant Farm' idea and invents a 'Roach Ranch.' In two weeks he manages to sell zero 'Roach Ranches.'
Republicans Playing Catch Up
Democratic voters outnumber Republican voters. To become a majority party more moral Republican "immoral hanky-panky" is required. John Edwards a Democrat has already done his duty for his party!
Heavenly TV 10:30 P.M.:
The Tonight show Featuring Johnny Carson: Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett appear. Ed McMahon emcees.
Ed's final call
Here'ssssssssssss Michael, Here'sssssss Farrah, welcome to the Eternity show
Health Officials Concerned
Nation's health officials predict virtual epidemic of middle-aged women in ass-hanging-out swimsuits this July 4th. Warn: Turn your head quickly to avoid choking on your own vomit.
Michael Jackson Fakes Death!
King of Pop follows example of The King, going into hiding to escape media attention, says anonymous source close to Jackson.
Farrah Fawcett's Phantom
Rash of "Charlie's Angel" sightings in Los Angeles, San Diego areas. Ghostly glamour girl recognized by locks of feathered hair, gleaming-white smile, and two large nubs under flowing white robes.
Gore Loses Again
Supreme Court overturns the facts in Al Gore's documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, and any future movies by a 5-4 decision.
King Of Pop Dies
John Pemberton, inventor of Coca Cola has died at the age of 57 after a life spent addicted to cocaine, kola nuts, damiana, morphine and bubbles. "He was the real thing", said an adman from the 1960's
Spoof site crashes at Jackson news...
Millions of disbelieving fans reckoned it was all one very big Spoof...
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