Order by:
Rating:

Death inevitable new study shows

Scientists at UCLA report that, even if all scientific advice is followed and a miserable, high fibre, low fat, no booze lifestyle is adopted, death will still occur. Jane Fonda deeply disappointed.

written by Blazing Saddle, 16 June 2009
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Chinese Credit Mao

Chinese leaders say that their modern economical miracle can be directly traced to Chairmam Mao's advice for country to "get the lead out".

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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What In Tarnation!

Warner Brothers has announced the death of 75-year-old Yosemite Sam, who apparently died from infection from the bite of a great horny toad.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Visiting Southeast US?

Advanced 2010 census worker says she did a random screening in several southern states lately and knew someone she saw looked familiar, but only identified bin Laden a week later after seeing video.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Betting Against Gambling

The latest odds in Las Vegas are 4-1 against Kentucky ever approving Riverboat Gambling sought by Governor.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Obama Clearly Upset

An upset and very determined President Obama has promised that he'll restore consumer confidence, kick mother-in-law out of the White House!

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Shoe Bomber's Sister?

Passenger stopped by security guards at JFK Airport in New York City after plastic gun falls out of fake third boob.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Cave Message Deciphered

Experts decipher ancient cave wall writings in France as "Beads And Clams Are The Root Of All Evil."

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Snot All There!

After David Letterman tells Sarah Palin she's not all there, Palin tells Letterman he's not on his nose and upper lip. "Use your hanky!"

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Cremated Must Wear Eco-Shrouds

After council forces relatives to cremate loved ones in anti-pollution eco-shrouds instead of favorite clothes, kid's toys, many asking relatives to stuff tobacco, marijuana up their wazzoo.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
Rating:

It'll Be Double Next Time

Disabled pensioner is hit with £75 parking fine for displaying blue badge upside down, another £75 for dirt on auto getting on officer's sleeve.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Bloggers Beware!

Bloggers beware as judge says authors do NOT have right to anonymity on the web. So my name's Jerry, anyone else like to share?

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Jewish Couple Sue

Religious row as Orthodox Jewish couple sue neighbours for 'imprisoning' them with automatic hallway light, squealing pig doorbell ringtone.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Blair To Be Quizzed

Blair to be quizzed in Iraq war inquiry (but it'll be in secret and won't report until after election, iron maiden, rack, Quiz Master brought in).

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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MP's Slammed Again

MPs slammed for lacking principles, morals, common decency and good sense by inquiry head as 'cheap rent' minister faces new expenses probe.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Iran Election Confusion

Events in Tehran took a dramatic turn today as Iranian legislators made a significant concession to recount some disputed ballot boxes. "10 million "Mohammeds" voting at once a problem" say Officials.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Family Robbed On Train

A British family have spoken of their holiday horror after they were drugged and robbed by French train thieves. Jacques Clouseau, Inspector, placed in charge by French.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Broadband Tax Imposed

Every household in Britain hit with new £6 'broadband tax' to fund national rollout of superfast internet spam!

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Barclay's Money Frozen

Millions of Barclays customers' money frozen as computer glitch shuts down cash machines and online banking. Tells customers it will thaw soon and some cold hard cash be released.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
Rating:

NYC Police Find Culprit

Alley drunk arrested this morning in NYC after police finally find his hidden cache of chalk he's been using to draw dongs on body outlines on the street.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Baghdad Getting Back To Normal

Baghdad, Iraq getting more back to normal with re-opening of "Goats And Stuff" and "Veiless Doughnut Shop".

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Obama's Hypnotic Speech

President Obama's speech last week was so hypnotic, doctors report that over 1,000 viewers still think they're chickens.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Supermodels On 8-Hour Fast

Supermodel agency calls for an eight hour fast as salaries continue to fall, clothing stores file for bankruptcy. Doctors will supervise supermodels hourly.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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ABC Shut Down

The Arnolds Bread Company has been ordered to shut down their facilities until nuclear control panel can check out their enriched wheat.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
Rating:

The Minneapolis Laker Fans Riot!

Los Angeles Laker fans in Minneapolis (where the Lakers originated) are rioting like their counterparts in L.A. Police have made seven arrests and those individuals will be transported to L.A.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

The Recession Has Hit The KKK

The economic recession has hit the Ku Klux Klan. Grand Dragon Bobby Earl, aka Grand Wizard Bobby Earl says that they will have to downsize. B.E. said, "We be goin' from bein' the KKK to bein' the kkk.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Linda Hogan Is Packing The Poundage On

The hairdresser of Hulk Hogan's ex-wife Linda says that she told him that she uses half of the $40,000 a month alimony that she receives to buy Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes, Ho Ho's, and Twinkies.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

The U.S. Senate Votes Down "English As The Official Language" Proposal

The U.S. Senate voted on making English the official Language of the U.S. The motion did not pass. The vote outcome was: English-21, German-15, Spanish-32, and Swahili-32.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
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The Racially Influenced Celebrity Wrestling Match

Vince McMahon has signed Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt to a wrestling match with Al Roker and Whoopi Goldberg. They are billing it as "The Young White Couple vs. The Old Black Couple."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Jennifer "What The Heck Is Wrong With Me" Aniston

Jennifer Aniston who probably has the worst luck with men than any other woman in Hollywood recently remarked that it's a damn good thing that she doesn't have cellulite.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Usher: Please Watch Your Step Ma'am

Usher has filed for divorce. His wife will get the movie theater and he will get the flashlight.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

One of The Biggest Punks In The History of The U.S.

The 18-year-old Florida punk who killed 19 cats has been arrested. Police plan to take him to the zoo and put him in a cage with three tigers and see if he can raise his count up to 22.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
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Lindsay Lohan The Eating Starlet

Lindsay Lohan has said that getting back with her 'boyfriend' Samantha Ronson has put her in such a good frame of mind that she has put on 1 pound.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
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Big Carnie Wilson's Big Baby

Singer Carnie Wilson who once weighed 300 pounds has given birth to a baby girl. The baby named Songstress Willow weighed 27 pounds 14 ounces.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Hoffa Finally Found In Jersey

After finally finding 88-year-old Jimmy Hoffa, Hoffa says he doesn't know where he's been, never heard of Osama Bin Laden. Hoffa appeared very feeble after "Amelia Earhart having had her way with me."

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Smokey's Had Enough

After three clear warnings to drunk campers about not putting their fires out, Smokey The Bear tears them a new ass.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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NYC Protest Stores

New York City citizens still against chain stores. Many to protest new shopping area carrying signs, "Mr. Bloomberg, Tear Down This WalMart!"

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Potties Being Nationalized

Barack Obama Administration nationalizes nations port-o-potties as many Americans no longer have a pot to piss in.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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B. Bad Wolf Found Dead

Big Bad Wold found dead. Early examination by coroner says he looks like he'd been huffing fumes again. No panic over possible swine flu.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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India, Pakistan Leaders Meet

The leaders of India and Pakistan have met for the first time since last November's Mumbai (Bombay) attacks. Exchange ideas, NYC taxi jokes.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Iran: Limited Recount?

Limited recount possible in Iran's disputed vote. So if a million or so would just clear the streets for a few days...

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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AMA Against Anti-Aging Hormones

AMA adopts new policy against anti-aging hormones. "Just where would we doctors be if people no longer aged or got sick, you selfish bunch of healthy wackos?"

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Obama Outstyles Pitt

President Obama beats Brad Pitt as most stylish man according to poll. Nation may go down the pitts, but will go down "looking good"!

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Lee & Obama Meet

Lee and Obama to discuss North Korean threats. First meeting between Confederate General and a black President ever. Agree nation must continue to back allies in Asia.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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NYC Drivers Most Angry

New York drivers named most aggressive, angry in U.S. with many calling for a jihad on pedestrians.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Microbe Awakens

Microbe wakes up after 120,000 years, claims it's hungry. And, boy do I have to pee!"

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Driver Stops Ambulance With Patient

Attorney defends trooper in Oklahoma ambulance stop, firetruck. "Where do you think you're going, to a fire?"

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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China Bailing Out Asian States, Russia

Chinese leader Hu Jintao says China will extend a $10 billion loan to a regional group that also includes four Central Asian states and could purchase Arctic Circle from Russia.

written by Bureau, 16 June 2009
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Wiltshire Farmers to Turn to Cows

Farmers in Wiltshire have said that they will be forced to turn to farming livestock because so many fields have been destroyed by crop circles and putting them out of business.

written by IN SEINE, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Today's inspirational quote...

"243o2saa*&jkl#$pjp" - cat walking on a keyboard

written by Nik Voelz, 16 June 2009
Rating:

The Swahili River Is Somewhat Confused

River experts have discovered that the Swahili River in Africa flows both ways. The left side flows north and the right side flows south. No explanation as to why.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

The Ancient Warrior Consulting Firm of Amarillo

The Ancient Warrior Consulting Firm based in Amarillo, Texas has had to hire a consulting firm because of the sudden tremendous spurt in the consulting business.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

The Ex-Biloxi, Mississippi Used Car Salesman

A used car salesman in Biloxi, Mississippi has been fired for telling the truth about a car's miles per gallon.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Welcome Graduate(s)

The 2009 graduating class at Dog Dimple High in Dog Dimple, Wyoming was so small that the salutatorian was also the valedictorian.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

The Salvation Army Marches On!

The Salvation Army sadly announces that due to the economic recession it is having to replace some of its donation kettles with donation coffee cups.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
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The Muskogee Moratoriums

The town of Muskogee, Oklahoma has stated that effective midnight tonight they are placing, until further notice, a moratorium on moratoriums.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

The Aphrodite Research Firm

The Aphrodite Research Firm based in Tallahassee, Florida has stated that, as previously believed, there is a direct correlation between bank robberies and weapons.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 June 2009
Rating:

Breaking News: Teenage Girl Types "lol :)" to Friend

This exchange was followed by "LMAO". Ironically this last communication meant, "lemmings must attack otters"...tss who knew?

written by Nik Voelz, 16 June 2009
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