Spoof news snippets from Thursday 11 June 2009
Practical Joker In White House
There's a practical joker in the White House whom many believe to be Michelle's mother. Anyway, Joe Biden awoke this morning with a small stalk of corn growing out of the top of his head.
Nostradamus Warns Talent Judge
Nostradamus predicted old broad on British TV talent show would one day leave judge with iron skillet-shaped head.
Camp Wedgy Opens For Summer
Nerd kid at camp wedgied and depantsed so hard that only dogs can hear him speak and they don't like what he has to say.
John Cougar Mellencamp's pissed as last of his kids pulls up stakes and moves to the big city.
Local Village Alarmed
Local village alarmed after Dr. Frankenstein seen walking around with half Amelia Earhart, half Jimmy Hoffa-looking friend.
Saudis Close Hooters
Hooter's employees arrested and then ran out of Saudi Arabia once they learn restaurant has nothing to do with owls.
Oh Well, I Tried
Small child sitting on beach under beach umbrella with cap, goggles, bell around neck and heavily sun-screened while his mother gets a tan, eats cat turd buried in the sand.
Oh, Let Me Tell You, Honey!
Gay guy punctuates the point he is making with hands flowing left then right and then shaking in the air, then skipping around person addressed.
Trump Destroys World Peace
Miss California dethroned by Donald Trump tells reporters, "You have just seen the world's last hope for world peace crushed!"
Biden Lacking Attention
Joe Biden: President Obama says that UFO's may be Flying Saucers who move through worm holes in space to travel here. (after quiet). Or, it could possibly be men in lawn chairs. He's not sure. Ahem!
Economic "Ripple Effect"
California economic crisis having a "Ripple Effect" across the nation as people drop Two-Buck Chuck for $1.25 Ripple!
Tonight: Country Music Best Lookalikes!
Study shows that the number of Country Music Awards will outnumber the number of country music performers by 2025.
Sotomayor Breaks Ankle
After Supreme Court Justice Nominee Sotomayor breaks her right ankle, Sean Hannity points out that she's already moving to the left.
Disappointed Zombie Leaves Limbaugh's Place
Zombie leaves Rush Limbaugh's home in Florida disheartened after Limbaugh manages to hide "half his brain tied behind his back!"
Where's The Beef?
The family of a Michigan woman brought her to a Wendy's to celebrate her 100th birthday. She looked at her sandwich, smiled and yelled "Where's the beefffftt! Wheeerts mi teef?
US Airlines Losing $10B?
A new study says that this year US airlines could lose up to $10 billion dollars, and that's just in lost luggage!
Hillary Warns NKorea
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has sent a stern warning to North Korea to stop their belligerent actions. In Texas, former president Bush stated, "Belligerent? Is that a new type of Agent Orange?"
Picasso's Sketches Stolen
The police in France are searching for a thief who stole a notebook full of Picasso's sketches. After a police sketch artist drew a copy of one, someone paid him $3,000 for it.
New GM CEO
Ed Whitaker, the former chairman of AT&T, was appointed the new CEO of General Motors. After admitting he knew "nothing about cars", people reminded him that most GM products look more like tanks.
Letterman? That Ass?
David Letterman is reported as missing. No one knows where he is but insiders say, there's an unknown ass hanging on the wall of the trophy room at Governor Sarah Palin's home in Alaska.
George H.W. & Son Celebrate
Former President George H.W. Bush will celebrate his 85th birthday by once again going skydiving. His son, George W. Bush will be running around below carrying what's called a "Hemorrhoid-breaker".
Al Gore No Threat
Two US reporters have been imprisoned in North Korea and now Obama is considering sending Al Gore to negotiate for them. "We're not afraid of Gore", stated man on street. "We already bored to death."
Gore Doing "Green" Poster
Tipper Gore completes posing for new "green" ad posters that show her hugging a tree..no, I think that's her husband, Al.
Oh Captain, My Captain!
Captain Sullenberger finally admits that he and co-pilot were watching stewardess who wasn't wearing any underwear when they looked up and saw they were in the Hudson River!
Bonds Not The Same
Barry Bonds' wife has filed for divorce. She claims he's not the same little guy that she married.
Aliens Capture White House
U. S. Leader is silent. Former Presidential Pastor claims, "Them Aliens aren't going to let him talk to me."
New String Theory Popular
New String Theory popular: The universe is shaped like Miss Universe wearing a string bikini!
Resigns As Child's Godfather
Man tells family he resigns as child's godfather after placing third horse's head in his classmates bed this year.
"Driving Me Crazy!"
Man whose ear was hacked off and has it stitched inside his stomach while surgeons work out how to reattach it, says he's tired of hearing stomach growling.
Quarter Of A Century Off!
How a solar system 'wobble' could make the Earth crash into Mars... but don't worry, it probably won't happen for another 25 years!
Recession 'ended two months ago', leading forecaster claims. "We've been in a depression ever since."
Miss California Stripped Of Title
Anti-gay marriage Miss California stripped of title after breach of contract, dress, blouse and swimsuit.
Brown: Good Old Malik
Shahid Malik admits claiming expenses for two houses at once, stealing a car, holding up a bank, farting in the face of guy in wheelchair... just 48 hours after returning to government!
Benefits Cheat Caught
Caught on camera: Benefits cheat who claimed she couldn't walk enjoys a round of golf, chasing kids off lawn, entering Boston Marathon, climbing Mount Everest.
Tortoise breeders are the latest hit by the economic slow down. They claim business is slow. Litter collectors on the other hand, claim business is picking up.
Annual Dairy Cow Migration
The Wisconsin State Patrol warned residents to watch for migrating Dairy Cows on WI roads.
UCLA Student Gets An "A"
Student at UCLA gets an "A" in philosophy after proving absolutely that the professor teaching the class does not exist!
Shoe-Bomber On Strike!
A man jailed in the US for trying to blow up an airliner with explosives hidden in his shoes has gone on hunger strike and is already down to a size 11 1/2, court papers have revealed.
MP's Criticize Councils
An all-party group of MPs has criticised councils for not spotting warning signs that Icelandic banks had been set afloat on breakaway icebergs and were heading for collapse last October.
The ubiquitous periodic table will soon have a new addition - the "super-heavy" element 112 aka "Obama's Balls".
Typhoons Can Cause Nutcases
Typhoons trigger almost imperceptible, slow earthquakes, which trigger volcanoes which add to eruptions and global warming, eventually resulting in full-fledged nutcases like Al Gore, researchers say.
China has demanded the return of 17 Chinese Muslim Uighur detainees held by the United States at Guantanamo Bay. US agrees and sets them off in rafts.
Italian police have arrested at least four poor beggars on suspicion of planning an attack on the G8 summit of rich countries next month.
UN Making Swine Flu Plans
United Nations hold Swine Flu Epidemic Talks. Agres to quit calling foot soldiers, "Grunts". Leaders, movie stars quit hogging headlines.
The Sports Czar!
President Barack Obama creates first Sports Czar who will control the salaries of all professional baseball, football and basketball players. Steinbrenner falls off chair, breaks tail bone.
Biden Blames Bad Hair Plugs
Vice President Joe Biden places his foot firmly into his mouth once again. Blames two hair implant plugs for growing down instead of up.
"Won't Be Fooled Again"
Problems of old Chrysler linger at 'new' Chrysler. "Meet the new boss...Same as the old boss", say the Who!
Taliban Recruit More Volunteers
Pakistan kill scores of Taliban in new combat zones! Piles of them beside the roads, scattered all over mountainsides, look, there's one over there! "Everybody happy now?", asks President Zardari"
Loud Ads Out!
The Federal Trade Commission says that RELIEF FROM LOUD TV ADS MAY BE NEAR!!!
Seniors Back To Work
U.S. seniors hunt jobs as retirement hopes fade. So far, over twenty upper plates accidentally deep-fat fried.
Ahmadinejad Re-election, Begins, Ends
Iranians set to vote on Ahmadinejad re-election! Thus far he's way out in front, 1-0. No one at polls yet but Ahmadinejad, guards.
The "Mother Of All Mother-In-Law" Plans
President Obama credits his mother-in-law being at White House for keeping him busy and on the road. "No one thought of this before."
On The Road Again
Obama takes health care agenda on road along with the music of Willie Nelson and family, Willie as an example of current failed health plans.
Rio Ferdinand says "Calf is fine!"
Man United defender, Rio Ferdinand says that his calf is fine, before the European Championships. A part-time cattle farmer, Ferdinand, had one of his newly born heifers caught in a barbed wire fence.
The Iowan Smell of Victory
The state of Iowa has banned the sports phrase, "We can smell victory." They say that it is a flat out lie, because everyone knows that you cannot smell victory. Defeat? maybe, but not victory.
The Dangerous 97-Year-Old Great Great Grandmother
A 97-year-old woman who lives in New Madrid, Missouri was tasered by an NMPD officer when she refused his order to put down the cookie cutter nice and slow.
The Virginian Boxer Shorts
A very talented and creative Virginia resident has just invented boxer shorts made entirely out of tobacco leaves. The only problem is that he's trying to figure out how to remove the nicotine stains.
The Scandanavian Catholics Are Coming
In a move to hopefully attract more Scandanavian Catholic fans to their ball games, The San Diego Padres will be changing their name to The San Diego Fathers.
Two Brand New Not-So-Bright Galaxy Stars
Astronomers have discovered two brand new stars in the Ursa Major Galaxy. These stars appear normal but are actually not very bright. Astronomers name them Star Paris Hilton and Star Kelly Pickler.
Lindsay Lohan Back With Samantha "The Guy" Ronson
Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are apparently an item once again. Lindsay was overheard telling Samantha that this time she gets to be the guy. Ronson remarked, "Nope, I'm the guy or I don't play."
Idaho's New Prisons
The state of Idaho says that in order to save money the three new state prisons that they are building will not have iron bar cells but instead will use bars made of redwood.
Montana's New Buffalo Skinning Ordinance
Montana has just passed an ordinance that makes it illegal to be skinning a buffalo while driving.
Chris Brown Says He Be Missing Rihanna
Chris Brown confides to a close friend that he really does miss ex-girfriend Rihanna. His friend went out to a sports store and bought him a punching bag.
Sarah Palin Refers To David Letterman's Hair
David Letterman said that Sarah Palin has a slutty flight attendant look. She responded by saying, "Ya know I finally found someone who has less hair than Johnny (McCain), little Davey Letterman.
The Pocatello School District Is Sure Hurting For $
Starting in September The Pocatello (Idaho) School District will be charging parents of elementary school children a 'playgroud use' fee of $7 per month to use the monkey bars, swings, and slides.
Jessica Alba The Vandalizer
Jessica Alba was caught defacing a poster that showed a great white shark. She apologized for her vandalism saying she thought that the shark was a Taliban shark.
The Original Movie "Dances With Wolves"
Kevin Costner reveals that his movie Dances With Wolves was originally titled, Dancing With The Stars.
Simple Simon Cowell's Off-Broadway Play
Rosie O'Donnell will be appearing as the lead in the off Broadway play entitled, The Simon "Look If I May Be Honest" Cowell Story.
Paris Gives Susan Tips
Paris Hilton Gives Susan Boyle Tips On Being Famous: "First thing you must do is make a video in a hotel room."
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