Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 10 June 2009
Economy Hits Fishermen Badly
The economy is so bad that fishermen can no longer live off their net income.
It Could Be Worse!
An Israeli woman who lost $1 million in life savings, said today: "It could've been much worse because I was going to exchange them for Zimbabwean dollars but I would have needed a bigger mattress!"
Not fit for human consumption
Watch out for warning labels: Lyle Huffer of Cleveland, OH sues biodiesel maker AgroGo. His lawyer claims he drank their product believing it to be "brain fuel."
Lords victory for terror suspects!
Al-Qaeda thrash the MCC by an innings and 911 runs on the first day of the 2020 cricket tour...
The Catholic Church Is Car Hunting
The Catholic Church is considering buying The Ford Motor Company. As Archbishop Donnie Dwight said, "The church feels that it would be great to eliminate the middleman in our car raffles."
Barack & The Crybaby Israelis
President Obama's shoe photo seen as an insult by some Israelis. Obama says, "Really now. Okay. Fine. But don't you Mofo's dare call me when Syrian troops march into downtown Jerusalem, Okay!!!?
The Skateboarding Nun
A Cincinnati nun, Sister Dolly Marie traveled from the North Pole to the South Pole on a skateboard. She stressed that although it was fun she would certainly not want to make a 'habit' out of it.
Americans Deny Changes
Claim they haven't squandered their freedom, are still taking care of everything in due order so the government won't have to, so why would we even need Obama's "socialist" programs?
Got Whole Summer To Recover!
School kids back at school from zoo visit causing teachers to call in counselors after cute escaped monkey eaten by polar bear.
Miss America Contestant/Obama Contrasts
New Miss America contestant promises to balance the budget, create new jobs, in fact everything President Obama promised, only with better looking boobs than Obama's nominations!
Government Motors Tough Competition
Government Motors is now offering a $4,000 rebate with every new imported $7,500 cheap Chinese vehicle imported.
Rush Holds Back
Rush Limbaugh puts negative spin on Sotomeyor's broken ankle: "I hope she breaks her scrawny neck next time."
Plus/Minus A Light Year Or Two
Google Universe says that our own universe at least 156 billion and two light years wide.
Spelling Bee Wins
Nielsen Poll: Study shows that "The National Spelling Bee" drew the biggest rattings of the weak!
Ahmadinejad Expected To Win!
Iran's Ahmadinejad expected to win re-election after running on the "Compassionate Muslim Extremist Madman Party platform.
Computer Hacker Arrested!
Computer hacker Charles Williams of Tampa, Florida arrested after causing President Obama to read teleprompter message "I has a dream, y'all!" during speech.
London Man Knows
London man who has a foot-long nose claims that he knows people are staring at him even though he cannot see them, because of his big nose.
Japanese To Receive Emissions Control Fines
Japan Sets New Emission Targets! "Anyone who farts in an elevator will receive automatic fine!", says Emissions Control Executive.
Obama Turns Away Clinton
President Barack Obama turns down former President's Clinton's choice, Monica Lewinsky as first Czar to oversee CEO's pay. Former president said it would lighten the moment to say, "Czar, She Blows!"
Obama Appoints Czar
The Obama administration on Wednesday morning appointed a compensation czar who will have broad discretion to set the pay for 175 top executives to be known as "Czar Nickeless".
Slim Jim Factory Explodes
Slim Jim factory explodes! Hunt to find any missing workers hampered by 1,000 escaping possums.
600 Recession Cats
Six hundred recession cats pack state's shelter. "Shouldn't have invested so heavily into Purina before Chinese recall", states shelter worker.
The English language gets millionth word on Wednesday, according to pseudawordadopulous!
New Proposal Already Having Effects
Full House votes on a bill to subsidize new car sales for consumers who turn in gas guzzlers. Junk car dealers say hundreds of old cars missing from salvage lots.
"Pay As You Go!
Obama urged Congress to adopt a "pay-as-you-go" approach to federal spending in order to restore fiscal discipline, but critics say the his call lacks credibility, as it's never been tried before.
Couple Wins Plea
Couple accused of spying for Cuba ordered held without bail after their attorney pleads for them not to be sent to Cuba.
Ex-Georgia Tech student convicted on terrorism charge after promising the Georgia Bulldogs their football team was raw meat for the Yellow Jackets!
Obama Changes Flu Name
After reviewing hundreds of "submissions" from the democrat party, President Obama has decided to rename the 'Swine Flu' to 'Hog Heaven'!
Some good news resulting from the poor economy:
The price of skyrockets is coming down at last.
Obama Denies Changes
President Obama denies he has changed the Union of Socialist States of America into a country where the government is in control of every aspect of our lives.
Gordon Brown and Susan Boyle TWINS!
Gordon and Susan were both freaked and overjoyed after finding out that they are twins. Strange thing however is that they were born in different years...?
"With A Q?"
The simple test that can spot Alzheimer's in five minutes: "How do you pronounce, spell Alzheimer's?"
Drug Suspects Waterboarded
Six Scotland Yard officers are accused of 'waterboarding' drug suspects. Claim they were drugged by suspects before 'waterboarding' occurred.
Just A Few More Bites
Headteacher 'left pupil with broken leg writhing in agony as she finished her lunch'. "Bunch of cry babies!"
Britney Headed For Australia
Pop star Britney Spears has announced she will tour Australia in November for the first time in her career. "I want to see one of those big hopping rats that run into the ocean", stated Ms Spears.
Kathy Griffin - The Non-Celebrity
D-Lister Kathy Griffin wanted to enter the Celebrity Rehab Clinic, but was denied entry because she is really not a celebrity.
Handguns In An American Church?
A pastor says he will allow handguns in his church. I can hear him now. "And now we will pass around the collection plate, and I'm sure that we will get lots and lots of money 'cause if we don't..."
Nearly 40 years after the first of its 210 nuclear tests, France is preparing to compensate people affected by the fallout but found they were all dead.
Them Hamas Fellers Are A Pleasin' Bunch
The militant radical group known as Hamas has decided to change their name. Due to the swine flu epidemic their new name will be UnHamas.
The Indiana "This Is It" Jones Movie
Harrison Ford will soon begin filming the next installment in the Indiana Jones series. The film is named, Grandpa Indiana Jones & The Undernourished Temple of The Vitamins.
It Looks Like The Black Hole Ain't
Astrologists discover that the infamous Black Hole is not really a Black Hole at all. When viewed through an Apex-7000 telescope it is actually a Black Triangle.
Rev. Sharpton Ain't Happy With Limbaugh or Gingrich
The Rev. Al Sharpton wants the GOPers like Limbaugh and Gingrich to stop referring to Guantanamo as Gitmo. He said they are making fun of blacks who say, "I be goin' to da store to gitmo wine."
Gaddafi In Italy
Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi is due in Rome at the start of his first visit to Italy since Qaddafi in July, 1999 and Kadafi in 1991.
The Somalian Pirate Movie - The Pirated Version
Johnny Depp's next buccaneer movie will be filmed in Somalia. It will be called, The Bastard Somalian Pirates of the MoFoing Indian Ocean.
Japan Attacks Pollution
Japan has announced a target of cutting greenhouse gas emissions by 15% over the next 101 years - a figure derided by environmentalists as "full of shit".
Swine Flu In China: Pandademic!
A sharp increase in swine flu cases in south China may mean the infection has become a pandademic, the World Health Organization says.
Car Bomb Increase Size Of Hole
A tremendous car bomb has exploded in another hole in the ground cleaned out by a previous car-bomber in the southern Iraqi crater of D-47, making the crater still bigger say officials.
Dems Locking Dem Doors
New York Democrats lock Senate doors; Republicans declare move unconstitutional, bring in battering rams, catapults!
FEMA Shows Their Stuff!
Storm knocks over tree at the White House. FEMA has trailers underway for squirrel and chipmunk trailers, birdseed, birdbaths!
OK To Borrow For Health Care
President Obama: It's OK to borrow to pay for health care. Get me Ho Chi Wan's telephone number.
Obama Shows Serious Face
President Barack Obama sought on Tuesday to show he was serious about improving the U.S. budget picture as he called on Congress to pass new limits on tax cuts and $26,000 dates with wife.
Hope It's El Nino
Forecasters say El Nino may be developing. However, El Kabong could develop for first time and produce up to 200 hurricanes!
Times Selling Globe
Report: Times Company will take bids to sell Globe. Thus far, Mars has the top bid.
Florida Communities Worried
Twenty cat deaths, five dog hangings, armadillo burned at the stake leave Florida communities worried.
Submarine All But Stuck
Submarine at air crash scene in mountains making very little headway in hunt for black boxes.
More Trouble In Krapistan
Fertilizer bomb which blew the holy shit out of temple in southern Krapistan, blamed on northern Turd Seperatists!
Space Station Has New Door
Space Station Gets New Door in Short Spacewalk! Astronauts reminded to "Watch That First Step!"
Palau Accepts Guantanamo Detainees
Palau to take Uighur detainees from Guantanamo Bay. Those sent last year to Argo Pontang never heard from again. Many asking, exactly WHERE is Argo Pontang?
Shake Your Robooty
Japan prepares robots to take over the kitchen area, living room cleaning, taking out garbage, does windows, nude bedroom dances.
Oil Over $70
Price of oil goes over $70 per barrel for highest cost in 2009, as millions of Americans begin digging into their back yards.
English: One million words and counting
At 5:22 a.m. Wednesday. Vagiphallomania - the obsessive need to read articles about the man with the world's largest penis and the woman with the world's largest vagina.
Youtube workers call 48 hr strike
World comes to standstill and breathes huge sigh of relief
NEWSFLASH: Neither Amy Winehouse nor Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker received a new tattoo this past week.
The Paris Hilton World-Wide Survey Agency
Paris Hilton who is the director of The Paris Hilton World-Wide Survey Agency reports that there are more Africans living in Africa than in all of the world's countries combined.
Hamburg's Prostitute Union #1
Prostitutes in Hamburg, Germany have formed a working girls union. The first perk is that they will now receive a 'cost of giving' allowance.
The Corral's Name Was Changed For Aesthetic Reasons
Old West historian Ty Lee reveals in his latest book that the name of the Tombstone corral was All Right and not OK. The original book was named The Gunfight At The All Right Corral.
The Amazing Archeologists of Las Vegas
Archeologists in Las Vegas have discovered a wooden roulette wheel that they believe to be over 300 years old.
The Australian Fad of Kangaroo Bungee Jumping
Australia has decided to outlaw the fad of kangaroo bungee jumping. A kangaroo expert noted that kangaroos really don't like it worth a damn, as many Aussies erroneously believed.
Rush Limbaugh To Make Motion Picture Debut
Universal Pictures has signed Rush Limbaugh to star as Osama Bin Laden (a fat one) in the movie, The Failing of America.
They're Out There
Japanese scientists create green-glowing monkey. South Korea counters with polka dotted camel with blue eyebrows and dog pecker pink mouth.
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