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Kristen Stewart plays Joan Jett in new movie

"When they offered this to me, I thought Joan Jett was a cartoon character, like Thomas the Tank Engine or Jefferson Starship; I never knew it was a real person."

written by Jalapenoman, 09 July 2009
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Official: phone sex is dead!

News of the Screws phone buggery all the rage instead...

written by queen mudder, 09 July 2009
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No real evidence to nail Murdock's snooping, lying ass says Yates of the Yard

Best counter-intelligence headlined of the century say MI5, CIA, Mossad, KGB, etc...

written by queen mudder, 09 July 2009
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Six Million Dollar Man worth less in Recession

Recession continues to hit home as the $6 Million Dollar Man was revalued at $4 Million Dollars

written by Not The Nine O'clock News, 09 July 2009
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Medication Marijuana A No Go

Birmingham, Alabama man arrested for using "medication marijuana" for condition after police learn "condition" was being sober.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Two Songs Inducted Into Hall Of Fame

Songs "Lola" & "Black Betty" are voted into the Can't Get The Song Out Of My Head Hall Of Fame! Special tribute given to "Achy Breaky Heart". Lifetime Achievement Award to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat".

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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New Reward Offered

The reward for the capturing of Osama bin Laden gets cost of living raise, to $1,112,000.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Former President Bush Accused

Hillary, Pelosi accuse former President Bush of illegally downloading music, "Fat Bottomed Girls" from Internet.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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G8 Warns Environment To Shape Up

Developed and developing nations have agreed that global temperatures should not rise more than 2C above 1900 levels, a G8 summit declaration says, or it will be severely dealt with.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Could Have Been Worse

Imprisoned fraudster 71-year-old Bernard Madoff has decided not to appeal against his 150-year sentence, his lawyer has said. "I could have gotten LIFE", added Madoff.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Iran Hits Protesters

Iranian police have fired tear gas at hundreds of demonstrators who defied government warnings that any fresh attempt at protests would be "smashed". They were then smashed.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Using Recycled Paper

A rural town in Australia has voted overwhelmingly to ban the sale of bottled water over concerns about its environmental impact. Water will now be sold only in paper bags.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Everything's In Shit-Shape

Passengers on a cruise liner at the centre of a virus outbreak have said they will stay on the ship until they are promised their money back. Meanwhile toilets in terrible shape.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Remains Of The Day

Remains from dozens of bodies have been found in mass graves at an Illinois cemetery after their grave plots were illegally re-sold, police say. Mortuary says it was a timeshare deal.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Spy At G-8

Spy row erupts at G8 summit as Italians are accused of eavesdropping on secret meetings, taping secret handshakes.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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MP's Face Backlash

MPs face new backlash as they prepare for twelve-week break on the French Riviera.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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McCain Can Be Irritating

Cindy McCain admits that John can be irritating at times. "For instance, I'm in the dining room and I hear the garage door going crazy, so I have to go take the opener away & give him the TV remote."

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Big Word Announced

Merriam-Webster Dictionary announced today that the word fat will be changed from an adjective to a noun. From Jan 1st 2010, you will be able to say with impunity, "Look, there goes a fat!"

written by Ron Smith, 09 July 2009
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Berlusconi eats Medvedevs wife

At the G8 meeting in L'Aquila, the Italian president Silvio Berlusconi has eaten russian president Dmitri Medvedevs wife, Svetlana.

written by Treehouse, 09 July 2009
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At Least Made It To 50

Wife gives husband big box of Viagra pills, movitational tape for 50th Wedding Anniversary. Husband gives wife mirror. They separate.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Evidence That Senate Is Filibuster-Proof

More evidence is in that the Senate is now filibuster proof with the addition of Al Franken, today the Senate voted to outlaw all cigarettes except marijuana.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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One for the record books

The Nashville, TN police department, after careful play by play analysis, revealed Steve McNair should have never made a pass at Sahel Kazemi.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 July 2009
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Another blow to sanctity of marriage

Massachusetts woman decides husband being "married to his work" no longer an excuse to neglect his duties at home. His mother-in-law upholds decision.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 July 2009
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Sotomayor Hostile Or Something

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor's thin record on the limits of presidential power suggests she will be neither reflexively hostile to broad....you quit reading after "record" didn't you?

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Quiet, please!!

CNNews study confirms night owls more productive at night, early birds more productive in morning. With all this chirping and hooting, no wonder I can't get to sleep!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 July 2009
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Palin Writing Memoirs

Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs, which will include a centerfold.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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31.1M Watched Jackson Memorial

Nielsen: 31.1 million watched Jackson memorial. Estimated 25.1 were fans, other 6 million glad he's dead.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Anthrax In Animal Studies

Drug gives anthrax protection in animal studies. Animals say that are ready to share their info with humans for a safety area out west and some big bucks.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Death by Chocolate

Chocolate factory worker Vincent Smith II, 29, died after falling into vat of company's product. Family of deceased to be represented by law firm M & M, Goodbar and Snickers.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 July 2009
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Soybeans Being Overlooked?

Scientists hope tiny insect can help save soybeans as the tiny insects hold convention in Kansas City. "Save Out Soybeans" campaign ignored for a week over Jackson death, burial.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Oil's Uncertain Demand?

Oil rises above $61 despite uncertain demand. Apparently consumers haven't quite made up their minds if they want to ever gas up car again.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Next, Pepsico In The Seventh, 7-1

World markets up modestly as Alcoa beats forecasts. So if you had your bet on Alcoa in the 8th, you just tripled your money!

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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New Superdrunk Created

In a strange twist, an often tasered, often disorderly drunk in Omaha has somehow been turned into, The Amazing Taser Man!

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Ready For Swine Flu?

The Obama administration put the states on notice Thursday: Swine flu promises to create a mess this fall as Arkansas Razorbacks cancel football season.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Dems To Tax Rich

House Democrats look at taxing the rich for health care as rich begin looking around the globe for new places to live, begin firing employees.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Jackson Memorial Cost $1.4M

Michael Jackson memorial cost LA $1.4 million as Governor Schwarzenegger sends estate the bill.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Slight Downward Trend

President Barack Obama's approval ratings have slipped according to most recent polls. At this rate, experts say he'll be as unpopular as George W. Bush in less than 40 years.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 09 July 2009
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Kim Looking Trim, Dim

Kim Jong Il appearance spurs fresh health concerns but after the Fidel Castro thing, western nations are afraid to get their hopes up.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Georgia Man Pleads Guilty

Atlanta, Georgia bootlegger pleads guilty of murdering three cases of homemade beer over the big NASCAR weekend.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Obama Pushes For Climate Pact

Obama broadens push for climate change pact, including special aluminum pointy hat and seed to grow more trees.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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The Wee Hours

60-year-old journalist just beginning to feel effects of prostate problem, finally understands what is meant by "the wee hours of the morning".

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Dealing With Words

Opinion: Why the left misjudges GOP sex scandals. For one thing, "Hypocrite" considered even worse than "Whoremonger".

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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New Webster Words Announced

Frenemy, locavore, spoofaholic among new words in Webster's latest version of its dictionary. Suspiciously missing? "nucklar"

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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China Must Address Unrest

Strife shows ethnic tension China hopes to ignore but after leader Hu Jintao hotfooted during sleep, must now be confronted.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Aliens To Speak At UN

Man from Venus, woman from Mars to speak before the UN about all this misinformation coming out over the past five years.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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CIA Misled A Bit

Six Democrats on the U.S. House Intelligence Committee said the head of the CIA admitted the agency misled Congress since 2001 about "significant actions." Real Saddam Hussein died in first bombing.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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New Carbon Sheets

Imagine a carbon sheet only one atom thick but is stronger than diamond and conducts electricity 100 times faster than the silicon in computer chips that's free to everybody. Are you nuts or what?

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Bottled Water Restrictions

Stricter labeling urged for bottled water as today's does not even say if it's been fermented or not.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Further Job Cuts At Chorus

Chorus are to axe more singers. The show is unlikely to go on.

written by Earl Grey, 09 July 2009
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Wham O Toys Recall

Wham o toys have announced that they are recalling all their children's "Little Proctologist Play Kits" because "patient" found to have lead in it's ass.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Supremes Make Ruling

The United States Supreme Court unheld Newest Math Teaching in our schools by a 7-6 decision.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Police Demand More Protection

A police organization today demanded more bullet-proof vests plus someone to invent bullet-proof shorts.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
Rating:

Everyday Marches In Washington This Summer

Cannibal Rights Group had a small march in Washington today, carrying banners that read, "Eat More Bigguns" that was missinterpreted by some hookers who shooed them away as business down already.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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FBI Studying New Group

The FBI says that it has been keeping a close eye on a group called "The Dreamboat Veterans" after watching them following Edwards and Romney last year.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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CIA Uncovers Plot

The Central Intelligence Agency say they have uncovered a plot between signing chimps and trained dolphins to overthrow several governments after making deal with Somali pirates.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Ms. Spence Outabody On Oprah Next Week

According to Ms. Spence Outabody of San Fransisco, Elvis and Michael Jackson are already into it over Lisa Marie. She'll tell about about it on Oprah next week.

written by Bureau, 09 July 2009
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Rules for Lawyers

It is now against the "rules" to be a lawyer in Texas if you are under 14 or above 98.

written by Timotee VandWag, 09 July 2009
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No Bailout Money for California

President Obama told Gov. Schwarzenegger there will be no stimulus money to pay off California's $12 billion deficit. DOE then announced a $12 billion grant to CA for alternate energy research.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2009
Rating:

OPEC Countries Appeal to G8 Members

OPEC Countries complained to G8 members that the declining price of oil is hampering their purchases of BMWs and providing weapons to terrorist groups. G8 members suggested OPEC have a bake sale!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 09 July 2009
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