Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 8 July 2009
Investors Still Puzzled
They can understand a bear market as we've been in one or a year and a bull market and look forward to the next one, but few investors are understanding where today's bass market is leaving us.
Model Stoleaway On Glider
A model for pricey clothes admits that she was a stowaway on a hang glider that crossed to England from France.
Lost Book By Hemingway
A long lost book manuscript by Ernest Hemingway, "Boy, Howdy" discovered in attic in Nigeria. Most Hemingway authorities say he was never known to be in Nigeria, which makes it so rare a find.
Release Of Statement
"Only edible animals were harmed during this film and that was by Cookie, the film crew chef."
Wacko Jacko Nation
Studies indicate many of the King of Pop's strongest supporters are even more eccentric than Jackson himself.
Marketing Technique Revealed
Man pumps last $4.00 in change into small vending machine near grocer's doorway, still unable to get two fuzzy dice the same color.
Swine Flu Still a Concern
Homeless San Francisco man reportedly terrorizing tourists in Union Square area, faking violent fits of sneezing every time a group of people walks by wearing surgical masks.
Stem Cell Research Now Supported
Stem cell research suddenly gets massive support after recent announcement about penis enlargement.
Best Performance Ever, Say Crowd
Sudden spontaneous human combustion of man standing holding metal post on the NYC subway, brings instant quiet and then a sudden spontaneous applause from fellow passengers!
This Day In History
Fifty Years Ago Today: Mom and Pop Walton vow revenge after big IGA Food Stores, Ace Hardware and JC Penny's clothing stores run their general store out of business.
One Horrid Job, But It Got Better
Was being a "washer" at our local condom recycling plant, so I was reassigned to being a "tester," which was much, much better..
Volunteers In Washington
The Washington Post reports that over 500 volunteers from the state of Tennessee showed up at the White House this morning saying they were ready to go fight global warming.
A Harvard study shows that a single pill can greatly slow down the aging process. "Whenever we find such a pill, we'll get back to you."
Wacko Jacko: Father of the Year?
Heartfelt comments by Jackson's grief stricken daughter give some pause concerning lingering allegations against the King of Pop. Others say they'll wait to hear from Michael II.
Experts Say It Was An UDO
After experts had watched the video that many say is the ghost of Michael Jackson on the Larry King Show for about 20 times, they have decided to call it an Unidentified Dancing Object.
Good Old Al, Hand Me A Paddle
Spoof writers are lamenting the loss of two favorite subjects, Michael Jackson who died & Sarah Palin who retired as Alaska's Governor. If not for Al Franken becoming a Senator, we'd be up shit creek.
Mississippi Perpetually Fat
Mississippi once again judged as America's fattest state. "We'll always win", states Governor. "They keep coming here to find someone fat who will date them."
Elmore Jones Pleased
Upcoming fighter John Elmore Jones says he's pleased as punch over recently discovered uppercut.
Tried New Viagrets?
Pfizer now offers Viagrets, a very small version of the popular purple pill that costs a lot less but lasts only five minutes. "We had quickies in mind", states spokesman.
99% Are The Same
Study finds that cloned puppies almost identical in appearance. Separate independent study finds the very same thing.
Breaking News From Heaven:
Michael Jackson cautioned about sleeping with the Cherubs. St. Peter warns him there will be Hell to pay if he does it again.
Zinc Good For Teen Brains
Study: Zinc-Fortified foods help teens think better so let them eat all the beans and brown rice they're always asking for.
John Doe Mugged In London
Police in London say they have found the billfold of mugged victim "John Doe" only to find out that the rattled tourist from the United States name IS John Doe.
Mechanically separated meat product mogul surpasses shelf life
Oscar G. Mayer died of natural causes yesterday, having attained advanced age of 95 despite refusal to supplement diet with company's preservative-laden products.
From Horse's Mouth
Jack Shit admits that he doesn't know what's going on with Wall Street, the nation's economy anymore.
Congress Hard At It
The US Senate and Congress say they are working hard looking for renewable sources of energy, bribes.
Britney Spears Does Ads for Candies
"At first, I thought that they wanted me to eat tootsie rolls or snickers bars or something, then I found out it was clothes. They're skanky enough, so it's okay."
Creamed In The Dark
Man who thought he was using his penis-enlargement cream in the dark so his wife couldn't see him, accidentally uses hemorrhoid-shrinking cream, and now neither can see him, even in the light.
PETA Sues Experimental Band
PETA charges experimental band with cruelty of animals as they say they're punishing innocent neighborhood dog ears with what they call music.
Better Not Track In Mud
Woman to marry the man she stabbed in back with carving knife after catching him with his trousers down, commode lid down also.
Shity, Shity, Bang,Bang!
Police ban Chitty Chitty Bang Bang car from parade because it doesn't have an MoT, flies above the parade instead, as police pursue over pilot license.
North Korean Dictator, New Weight Watchers Spokesman
Kim Jung-Il the despotic strongman of North Korea will the the new spokesman for Weight-Watchers. "Have you seen how much he's lost recently?" noted CEO Sharon A. Fordham. "He's a weight loss dream."
We Are Not Amused
Queen's property empire slumps by a staggering £1bn due to recession as she pays a royal visit to WalMart, Salvation Army Store for shoes.
At Least It Was A Jump For Joy
Deal or No Deal winner fell five storeys to his death while using his mobile phone, as police now have to deal with it.
Doc Sues Guru
Doctor sues spiritual guru for millions for 'unduly influencing' him to hand over his £750,000 fortune and making him think he was a chicken for the past year, thus losing many patients.
Kendra and Hank get married in reality show wedding
Former porn centerfold girl surprisingly doesn't wear white at the wedding.
Obama plans official National Michael Jackson memorial
Faces on Mount Rushmore to be replaced with Jackson, Obama, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson.
Girl with 50 plus star tattooes on her face finally explains her reasoning
"I want to be Dancing With The Stars whenever I'm out on the floor making my moves."
Kristen Stewart, star of Twilight, may be pregnant
When Vampire mother's lactate, do their breasts produce blood instead of milk?
Harry Potter 6, Back To Reality
After the relentless bang-boom-crash of summer sequels like Transformers and Terminator, the sixth Harry Potter film comes as something of a relief for those seeking a little more believability.
Pregnancy Project Abandoned
A multi-million pound project to reduce pregnancies among youngsters has been abandoned after research showed it was not cutting conceptions. "Back to the old chastity belts" says one conservative.
Monkeys Challenge Use Of Language
Monkeys challenge language theory. "Why talk when the proper gesture says a thousand words?"
G-8 Meets In Quake Area
Leaders of the major industrial powers, the G8, have begun their annual summit with a working lunch in an earthquake-stricken Italian town, saying world economy needs a good shakeup.
Troops Flooding Into City Flooded
Troops flood into China riot city and then turn to riots as city flooded.
Scientists Make Sperm
British scientists claim they have created human sperm from stem cells. But other experts have questioned their data, as one young guy on team admits "accident" when Dr. Jan bent to study microscope.
Sea Ice, Plugs Thinning
US Weather Satellite shows big thinning of old Arctic sea ice, Joe Biden's hair plugs don't seem to be working.
Stockbrokers Using Sign Language
Stock futures being placed on life-support points to a quiet Wall Street opening.
Obama Hails Italians
President Obama hails historic US-Italian ties, friendship: "You big lovable bunch of meatballs, you!" Gets ass pinched while waiting to cross street.
Pools Stay Open
Donations keep city pools open during hard times. Police say they have no idea where the old guys in raincoats get their money.
Congress Has Deep Questions, Hangovers
Lawmakers returned Tuesday from their July 4 break with lots of questions about the complex legislation and deep misgivings about key elements under discussion. Translation: Badly Hungover!
A Witch is being sought to live in Wookey Hole Caves for a salary of £50,000. This is an ideal with job for an MP, however, they are not allowed to claim it on expenses as a second home.
Jackson Danced In Doc's Office
Michael Jackson's dermatologist says Michael did not appear in poor health and even danced in his office, three days before he died. "Then kept grabbing his chest. Probably should have checked that."
California Economy Goig To Pot
A pro-marijuana group is launching another television bid to legalize pot in California, this time saying that legalizing & taxing the drug could help solve state's massive budget deficit or whatever.
Missile Talks To Be Held
Suspected US missile kills 10 in Pakistan. President Obama to speak directly to our missiles on his return to the US from Russia.
Iran Leader Says Election Was Fair
"It was the most clean & free election in the world," Ahmadinejad said in Iran yesterday, adding that "no fault was discovered. The whole nation understands this. Another free potato to you all."
Kim Looking Trim!
Thin-looking Kim Jong Il makes rare appearance in North Korea as supporters claim he's been on the Adkins diet and TV vertical hold goofed up.
China Toughens Policy
Chinise death squads vow death and executions for all the murderers behind killings of the recent dead.
G8 Asking For Help
G8 sees continued perils for world economy. Encourage those sending messages into space to change message: "Anyone Out There, Help!"
Human Sperm Produced In Laboratory
"Just goes to show - you can masturbate anywhere" reports red-faced, sweaty scientist clutching copy of Fiesta.
Selena Gomez's Shocking Confession!
OMG! Selena Gomez is not virgin anymore, says Uss Magazine. "She did it, last night!", a source said. Fans are mourning.
Jacko's Ghost Sighting Dismissed
Experts have dismissed a sighting claimed to be Michael Jackson's ghost on Larry King's tv show. The shade passing in the background at Neverland was "Too dark."
What's Plan K?
Top military brass admit that their current "Plan J" in Afghanistan stands for "Jack Shit".
Goofy Demands New Role
Goofy has told the Disney Inc. that he is "tired of being type-cast as a stupid ka-hilk...shit! dog! That's just the way I ka-hilk! hiccup!"
At the entrance to the Pearly Gates St. Peter said to Gabriel "the wrong Mr. M. Jackson is here. We were expecting 98 year old Mr. M. Jackson from Cleveland Ohio."
Hillary's Had Enough
After overhearing that President had referred to her as Secretary Of State, Whatsherass, Hillary suddenly places call to Sarah Palin about a 2012 Split Ticket.
FDA Not to Ban Darvon
Darvon and Darvoset prescription pain killers will not be banned by the FDA. FDA panel members agreed that the drugs were needed, as the petitioners were such a severe pain in the butt.
Michael Jackson Stamps
Rev. Al Sharpton requested the USPS issue a Michael Jackson commemorative stamp. The IRS will issue revenue stamps to collect taxes if MJ's toxicology tests show illegal drugs and medications.
The Great Sammy
The Great Sammy told police that accidents happen & even a professional knife thrower can suddenly sneeze and hit his late wife in the neck. Whereupon they reminded him that he was sawing her in half.
Best One Liner At Michael Jackson Memorial That Everybody Missed
...from Stevie Wonder.
"Michael Jackson dead. I never thought I'd see this."
Princess Anne Crashes Horse
Banned from driving for being drunk in charge of a tank, Princess Anne has now crashed her horse into a castle. The Princess was badly injured, but vets say the horse is in a stable condition. Sorry!
Retiring Teacher's Fare-not-so-well
Arthur Cook, an inadequate English teacher at Millwall primary school in East London received a farewell card from his year 5 class which read, 'Dear Mr Cook, we're sorry you are living.'
"Gone But Still Truckin'
Old "Truckin" tee shirt finally succumbs to 300th washing and given a proper burial with "What A Long Strange Trip It's Been" on its marker.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!