Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 7 July 2009
Missus Miller Poorly
Old lady Miller, who lives down on Elm Street and knows everybody's business in Boogertown, says she knows she's done got that there Swine Flu sure as shootin'. "I been eatin' like a hawg all week."
What's It Say Again?
The United Reformed Four Square Triple Baptizing, Flag Saluting, Evangelical Brothers Of Peace Church, causes planned Muslim terrorist attackers to shit and go blind!
Michael Gets Big Sendoff
Michael Jackson's family, fans said farewell to the pop superstar at an emotional memorial service. "Michael never received any peace in his life, so why should we give it to him now?" was the theme.
My next best seller
"I Am The Only Person In The World Who Never Knew Or Cared About Michael Jackson, A Personal Confession."
McCain Peed Off
John McCain sends visiting new UN Ambassador from Japan running after Ambassador presents him with big bottle of Viagra, after hearing from other Japanese Ambassador that McCain had lost erection.
Some Thought Martians Had Landed
Crooked stage magician changes whole audience into thinking the are chickens and refuses to change them back until paid $1,000 each by families. That was that noise you heard this morning at daybreak.
Obama's Great Grandfather "Town Drunk"
US President barack Obama has discovered that his great grandfather on his mother's side was the "Town Drunk" and that he lived in Chicago.
Kentucky Think Tank
Bear Wallow, Kentucky Think Tank writes that when you link up certain letters, they become words. However, when you link up words, they become letters. Now gone back in to study this tremendous find.
Gaga Gore Bore
Al Gore announces that setting clocks forward helps cause global warming. "You ever notice how much warmer it gets in April than when it's set back one hour in the fall?"
Billy Joel At Funeral, Drunk
Billy Joel embarrasses everyone by showing up at Michael Jackson funeral drunk, and proceeds to piano and sings, "I Love You Just The Way You Are".
News Aquatic Study
A new aquatic study reveals that 99 percent of male octopus are "leg" men.
Mandelson Admits to Being the PM's 'Willie'
Lord Mandelson, when questioned, admitted to being the PM's 'Willie', and to prove it, he would extend that metaphor. Meanwhile, Gordon Brown would not admit to being Tony Blair's Willie.
French Going Nuts
Lance Armstrong my be pulled from the Tour De France after artificial second ball found to contain an unknown substance.
Obama: China Next!
President Barack Obama says his family may visit China after Russia, to get their slant on the worldwide economy.
Cheap Wine Not The Fuel Answer
Prince Charles says running his car on cheap wine not really saving much after having to slow for winos following him everywhere and trying to syphon tank.
Chainsaw Company Cuts Workers
The Texas Chainsaw Company say they plan to cut over 200 more workers during the next two months.
Didn't Know It Was Behind My Big Ass!
Critics say the rise in obesity rates are alarming. Advise sweaty fat people not to stand near anymore fire alarms.
Hot Off The Press: Globe Is Warming!
New study finds that hot dogs, hotcakes add to global warming. Advise public to switch to Vienna sausage, gruel.
Dinosaurs were couch potatoes
Leading zoologist, Dr Brian McNab claims that dinosaurs were the couch potatoes in their time. Doesn't he know that there were no couches in those days? However, there might have been potatoes.
Helmsley's Grave Always Wet
Cemetery caretaker says that he keeps finding Leona Helmsley's grave, grave stone wet so he hid last night and watched over 100 cats, three relatives piss on the owner of $8M dog.
One For History Detectives
Big mystery as archeologists, after unearthing George Washington's boyhood home last year, dig up young George Washington's skeleton.
People Fuel More Important
Study reveals that using corn for biofuels has raised the global food prices by nealy 90 percent. Many countries, like Mexico, are learning how to change biofuels back to corn for tacos, tamales.
Palin toasted at Kremlin
A Kremlin fly overheard Obama and Putin make the following rather curious toasts over Stolichnaya:
Obama: May Comrade Stalin leave thee in peace.
Putin: May Gov. Palin likewise leave thee in peace.
Al Franken has announced that he will run on a mixed ticket for president with Sarah Palin in 2012, under the third party "The Jokers Party".
Franken Makes Impression
"Not funny" says Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning from his hospital bed after sitting on model of Washington Monument placed as gift by Senator Franken. "Just trying to make a good impression!" says Al.
I'm Not Going To Tell!
Woman with big hooters who stole 11-year-old's identity returned to school last year. So far, neither students or male teacher questioning "Danny Jones" credentials, just boobs.
Anthony Gormley's Next Project
After his 'Living Statues' exhibition, Antony Gormley is to cast a Big Bronze 'Buffoon' in a toga in the likeness of Boris Johnson. "This man inspires me!" He said.
Mother Of Three Charged With Neglect
A mother of three kids in Sacramento, California has been charged with neglect by her husband, who claims she's been neglecting his "six & a half".
Healthier Meat Lovers
Scientists have good news for all the steak lovers. They have came up with turnips that taste like steak. "Not only that", says spokesman, "but we've also created a potato that tastes like chicken."
Nurses Using Maggots
Nurses use maggots and honey to fend off hospital superbugs after leeches prove ineffective.
380 In Ship Shake
Around 380 passengers and crew on the Marco Polo, which is berthed in Invergordon, Easter Ross, have shown symptoms of the norovirus, commonly known as winter vomiting or ice-cold heebee jeebees flu.
What Was In That?
Energy drink hurled over former minister Stephen Byers in wake of expenses scandal. Breaks world record in 100 yard dash down the street.
West Meets East
Far-Right extremists 'are plotting spectacular terrorist attack against known Muslim terrorists in UK', police warn.
Iran's Unrest Continues
The focus of the Iran crisis has shifted from the street to the seminary to the cemetery, according to the Al Jazeera News.
Leader Breaks Release Terms
Radical Muslim preacher Abu Izzadeen has been returned to prison after breaching the terms of his release by cutting off an informer's head, BBC News understands.
No Evidence Whatsoever
There is no evidence that new arrivals in the UK are able to jump council housing queues, an Equality and Human Rights Informe de la Comisión says.
Mispainted Sign Seals Fate
A former PE teacher has been jailed for nine months after pleading guilty to running a brothel from his Kent home, "The Kent House of Whorers".
Coffee Republic Disaster
The coffee chain Coffee Republic has gone into administration, becoming the latest victim of the economic downturn as Juan Valdez kills himself, then his donkey.
A watchdog has said the Metropolitan Police's planning for the London G20 protests in April was inadequate. Next time, 200 hungry watchdogs to be turned loose.
New Chapter To Begin?
The Obama/Medevdev meeting a new chapter in US - Russian relations? Yes, the one that begins "And the earth became empty and void"
US, Russia Seeking Common Ground
President Barack Obama seeking "common ground" with Russian counterpart Medevdev, share using special binoculars to peek into Sarah Palin's bathroom window.
Sarah Palin to pose for Playboy
"Yup, I'm a Playboy kind of girl," said the ex-governor. But Palin won't be totally nude. "I'll be coverin' up my private parts with fish, Alaskan fish of course," she stressed. "Fresh fish."
Tokyo Most Expensive
Tokyo has knocked Moscow off the top spot as the most expensive city for expatriates, a survey suggests. Former Patriot, Drew Bledsoe heads back to New England to purchase home there.
Saddam Hussein Visits Banned
The Iraqi government has banned all organized visits to the to former leader Saddam Hussein. "You'll be burned to a crisp", warn officials.
Chicago Police Advise LA Cops
Police in Chicago advise Los Angeles polic force on handling large crowds during Michael Jackson Memorial after facing their large mob last year during the Bozo Memorial.
Worst Of Recession Over?
The worst of the UK's recession is over, according to the British Chambers of Commerce (BCC) business group, but talk of a recovery within the next twenty years is premature.
Indian Water Shortage
Mumbai, India faces a cute water shortage. I'm sorry, Mumbai faces acute water shortages.
Pope Makes Generous Offer
The Pope has called for reform of the United Nations and financial bodies, giving them the "real teeth" needed to tackle economic and social injustice. Offers Vatical to manage world's monies.
Social Security State
Iranian opposition leaders have criticized the "security state" imposed in the country after their controversial June elections. Meanwhile the "Social Security State" still being imposed on the US.
CONFIRMED! Miley Cyrus Contracts Swine Flu!
That's why her "Hannah Montana" concert tour has been CANCELLED!!! Fans are mourning, they don't want Miley's death to be shadowed by Michael Jackson's funeral. Ouh!
Jackson Funeral Countdown
Fans have begun to gather outside the Staples Center in Los Angeles for Michael Jackson's memorial concert, amid strong police presence as Dick Clark begins the Countdown!
Obama Talks, Tasters Croak
US President Barack Obama has urged Russia to turn from the past, emphasizing the common goals the US shares with its former Cold War rival. Meanwhile, three tasters dead of Polumium-210 poisoning.
Plain Still On Alert
Sarah Palin: I may have resigned as Governor but I will still keep an eye on those Russians, especially with Conrade Obama over there.
The Worst of the UK recession is Over!
Yeah Right! That's according to the British Chambers of Commerce - even though there will be 3.2 million unemployed in 2010. Who are these people?
Al Franken Eyes Roll In Senate
Senator Al Franken eyes (roll?) role as 'the people's clown proxy' in most hearings, speeches. Although that role could be filled by Sarah Palin if she runs for Senate seat.
Study reveals that couples who have a lot of fun with having sex tend to have a male member with a larger than normal funnybone.
So Don't Read This, I Don't Care
People with a family history of depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug dependence are not only likely to develop these conditions, but tend to pass them on to offspring says Institute of the Obvious.
Microsoft Warns Of Possible Hacking, Hockers
Microsoft warns of serious computer security hacket, old Buddy Hackett! Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care. Kiss my ass everyone out there..
Pope Proposes "Ethics"
Pope Benedict XVI proposes new financial order guided by something called "ethics". Wants world leaders to study this new idea. "Then we'll deal with this priest/child thingy."
Sun Spots Finally Out
The Sun has spots, finally. Just took some build-up of heat. Now that they're out, pox should clear up soon.
Could Be Dangerous
Social Security number code cracked, study claims. Also, those who spend their lives studying this type of silly information. Avoid them if you can.
Great Flying Blood Clots, Batman!
Travel more than doubles risk of blood clots according to new study. "That's why you seldom see vampires on airplanes."
The Final Good-Bye!
Los Angeles braces for Michael Jackson's final act as world famous photographer takes photo of Jackson's children standing, saluting Neverland Boy-Drawn Casket.
Not What Was Predicted
Obama: US, Russia not destined to be adversaries. Not according to Mrs Ballinger, the palm reader on Jefferson Street in Washington.
Getting From Worse To Worse
China's restive west, after two weeks on non-stop beatings between Muslim and other groups, suddenly descends into mob violence.
Michael Jackson's Brain To Be Shot Into Space
Which is appropriate. It's been circling Uranus for the last 25 years.
Thousands flee Los Angeles in Jackson anger
They thought Michael Jackson was giving a rare concert. "A memorial service,?" said one outraged fan. "He's DEAD, like man, really DEAD? What a scam and rip off. He can stay dead without my help."
Oprah's cure for swine flu - go to India!
CNN breaking news: Oprah Winfrey says she'll travel to India - but only if she gets swine flu. "I'll go to get cured; those traditional Indian viruses will kill anything including HINI."
OMG! More Miley Antics!
Miley Cyrus has been accused of driving under influence by Los Angeles police.
Especially On The Honeymoon.
Different Strokes star Gary Coleman has remarried, this time to some one his own size. Claims that he only married last wife who was two feet taller because his big brother put him up to it.
Companies Are Going Green
Touting their products as environmentally friendly, marketers can sell the same old @#%& for a higher price. Thus, company bottom lines are getting much greener!
President Obama Meets with the Russian President
President Obama flew to Moscow to meet with Russian President Medvedev. After the meeting President Obama said "I looked him directly in the eyes and could see Prime Minister Putin."
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