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"Jon & Kate Separate" Rhymes, Report Delighted Gossip Mag Publishers

"Pun headlines are great, but when you can get a rhyme in 4 words or less, that's pure spun gold," says beaming US Weekly editor Jessica Hurtz.

written by Human Jai Alaight Reel, 22 July 2009
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I Went To A New Psychiatrist.....

....Because I thought I was paranoid. "Nope," he said, "People really hate you and so do I." I bet all of you out there in "Spoofland" do too. Hey, I know where you live and I'll get you! See ya soon!

written by tlmedia, 22 July 2009
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France to Be Brought Closer to England

It is said that whatever happens on one side of the world also happen on the other. New Zealand has been brought closer to Australia by an earthquake. It is feared that it will happen over here soon.

written by IN SEINE, 22 July 2009
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Miss Universe Preggers?

Current Miss Universe is expanding, claims her runner-up. Probably got a bun in the oven.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Hypocrisy Bill Failed Again

A new "hypocrisy Bill" has not only failed in the Senate and the House of Representatives but has been set on fire and pissed out."

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Jermaine Jackson: " Michael should not be buried next to bad people."

For someone who once sang a song called "I'm bad!", many people are saying that it's just a tad hypocritical."

written by IN SEINE, 22 July 2009
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UK Government Creates Obesity Problem

Doctors have warned that people living more than 1 mile away from green space are more likely to be obese. The government have built so many houses and that there isn't any green space for miles!

written by IN SEINE, 22 July 2009
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Chocolate study needs Volunteers

A Norfolk University is seeking volunteers to find out if chocolate can help women with diabetes. Men could help by eating chocolate so that women would not catch diabetes in the first place.

written by IN SEINE, 22 July 2009
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Man Caught Three of Steven Gerard's Punches

According to Steven Gerard, he threw only three punches in a nightclub fracas. "How was I to know that he was a goal keeper for AC Milan - he caught all three of them!" He said today.

written by IN SEINE, 22 July 2009
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A dark day for politics

Ahmadinejad, Khamenei proclaim Allah responsible for darkening skies over country yesterday - dissatisfied with Iranian voters' protests of election results. Experts say event actually an eclipse.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 22 July 2009
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Telford Man Caught

A Telford man was caught trying to cash a dubious cheque. Whilst at the police station, the man swallowed it. The police had to wait five hours, then charged a man with passing a bad cheque twice.

written by IN SEINE, 22 July 2009
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Cows Screwed Either Way

The slaughter of hundreds of thousands milk cows because farmers could not make money on selling milk, creates surplus of steak,hamburger meat, putting other cattlemen out of business.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Drug Cures ADD?

Drug Companies say that Adult Deficit Disorder could be cured by using their drug if they could only get victims to pay attention to their ads for 30 seconds.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Join Snap, Crackle & Pop

Early volunteers who have tried genetically-engineered corn flakes say that they scream when you pour on milk.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Just Add Vitamins, Minerals

Astronauts who drank their own piss while in space say it would work just as well with potted meat.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Medical Student Kills Two

Female medical student murdered two elderly women so she could study death, could be sent to use herself for further studies.



written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Blair Wants Back In?

I'd topple Mugabe if I were still in power, says Blair. I'd also kicked Russia's ass, blow up Iran nuclear facilities, smash North Korea..or I might become a giant bean!

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Contracts Being Signed

Parents will be forced to sign school contracts to ensure their children behave. Parents want teachers to sign contract they will not have sex with their children.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Old Women's Tea Set Ready For The Next One

Robber wrestled to the ground by pensioners during raid on their social club and beaten half to death with crutches, ran over him with motorized wheelchair.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Groped Passed-Out Women

Financier 'stripped and groped woman who had passed out after pub drinking session'. Claims he was passed out, doesn't remember but ex-wife always said he groped in his sleep.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Placed In Sin Bins

Thousands of England's worst families to be placed in 'sin bins' to improve behaviour. Are looney bins next?

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Saving Some Cash

Drug firm charges NHS £6 for swine flu vaccine that costs £1 to make, although it's only 16.67% effective against swine flu!

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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French Release Chipmunk Killers

Thousands of French chipmunks carrying potentially fatal diseases heading towards Britain, "singing a goofy song as we walk along, wee bee do, wee bee do, wee bee do!"

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Police Raid

Police raid Houston clinic of Michael Jackson's personal physician. Discover Michael's old face in jar in lab.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Britain Has Enough Helicopters

According to UK Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, Britain has sufficient helicopters for operations in Afghanistan. There could be a small problem however, there is simply not enough pilots to fly them.

written by IN SEINE, 22 July 2009
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A cure for Silvio Berlusconi

The only way the Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi can salvage his sex-plagued reputation is by undergoing a sex-change...

written by bigd, 22 July 2009
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It'll Keep!

President Obama informs Al Gore that the global warming thing will have to be placed on the back burner for now.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Biden In Trouble

Joe Biden in the President's doghouse after saying bill getting health coverage in deep doodoo.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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School Bully Gets An "A"

School bully who drove girl, 14, to brink of suicide with racist taunts is convicted in landmark case. Has Scarlet A for "Asshole" tattooed on forehead.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Brown: Helicopters Not Needed

Brown forces minister to retract parting shot on need for more helicopters in Afghanistan, recommend personal jet packs.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Cronkite Goes To Far For Interviews

Walter Cronkite was working on special assignment covering recent celebrity deaths when he died, according to AP report. "He would pursue a news story anywhere", states friend.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Flu Jabs Start

Human flu jab trials 'under way' "Have you heard the one about the farmer's daughter getting three shots?"

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Income Needs Five Years

A leading think-tank is predicting it may take another five years for income per head to return to the level it was before the recession hit in early 2008, while income per tail remains steady.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Knife Scheme Not Working

The number of knife deaths in areas targeted by an anti-knife crime scheme has risen, the Home Office has said. "Thought it would cut down incidents", stated HM.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
Rating:

Airlines Apologizes To Former Indian President

America's Continental Airlines has apologised to former Indian president APJ Abdul Kalam for frisking him before he boarded a flight to the US. Returned the large dildo.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
Rating:

Australia, New Zealand Closer

A massive earthquake last week has brought New Zealand closer to Australia, scientists say. Another big one could run it right over Tasmania.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Woman Charged In Midget Deaths

A woman has been arrested in Mexico over the deaths of two midget wrestlers - twin brothers - discovered in a hotel room last month. The was charged with a Double Homicide.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Miley Cyrus To Design Lauren Conrad's New Fashion Line

True! Disney doll Miley Cyrus will be designing the whole new LC Fashion Line by Lauren Conrad who will just have to sign her name on it. That's all.

written by Mig93, 22 July 2009
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UK Pubs Continue To Close

UK pubs closed at a rate of 52 per week in the first half of the year the British Beer & Pub Association said. Most choosing beer at home over petrol costs.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Don Quixote Alive & Well

US 'ready to boost Gulf defense'. Plan to built twenty-story windmills to blow hurricanes back out to sea.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Lower IQ's Blame On Stupidity

Kids' lower IQ scores linked to prenatal pollution as one or both parents highly polluted on alcohol, drugs.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Largest Telescope Built In Hawaii

World's largest telescope to be built in Hawaii, so that those launched North Korean missiles can be spotted from far away.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Viagra Maker's Sales Down

Drugmaker Pfizer's second quarter profit, men's penises, slumped 19 percent.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Trial Hold-Up In Kentucky

Health issue might delay murder trial in Bowling Green, Kentucky as accused died two days ago.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Iran's New VP Rejected

Ahmadinejad's vice president election rejected. "He's even prettier, more crazy than I am!"

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Hard To Do

Secretary of State Clinton discovers that pushing for North Korea denuclearization as tough as pushing Bill out of redneck trailer parks.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Reconciliation Talks Improve

Pace of reconciliation tops Obama-al-Maliki talks, as they discover they both apparently named "Obama".

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Bra Breaks Loose?

Bra breaks loose in South Korean parliament! That should be, brawl breaks loose in South Korean parliament!

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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DeMint Calls Health Care Obama's Waterloo

DeMint refuses to take back 'Waterloo' statement. Adds that "General Napoleon Obama has met his Wellington at last!"

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Palin Investigated For 100th Time

Investigator rules against Palin in ethics probe. Also overuse of toilet paper in her home. Did she really NEED three different coats during winter?

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Musharraf Questioned Again

Pakistani court summons Musharraf over 2007 chaos, asked how it deferred from today's Pakistani chaos.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Clinton Outlines Plans

Clinton outlines how U.S. might deal with nuclear Iran. Should they be taken out with stealth bomber or hit by nuclear submarine.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Senate Votes On Weapons

Senate to vote on concealed weapons measure. Over 45 weapons checked at the door including three grenades.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Camel Milk, Astronaut Piss

World's first camel-milk chocolates going global! Also, the first recycled astronaut piss beer!

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Solar Eclipse Causing Usual Uproar

Solar eclipse shrouds Asia in daytime darkness as over 250 virgins sacrificed. Solar promoters like Al Gore nearly stoned to death.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Omama Wrestles With Own Party

Obama wrangles with own party over health-care overhaul plan. Wrestles with VP Biden on the Senate floor pulling hair plugs as Biden bit into his big ears.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Good News!

It's good news finally as Boeing profit climbs in 2Q on strong defense sales to two dozen countries that are ready to go to war with each other.

written by Bureau, 22 July 2009
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Hilary Duff Will Be Performing At The VMAs

Oh yes! She will... That what the MTV Networks MySpacce blog had to say... NO! They didn't. Fans should keep on voting then!

written by Mig93, 22 July 2009
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Lance Armstrong Accuses France of Inventing Cancer

Cantankerous Texas superstar turns up the rhetorical heat on Tour de France host in latest broadside.

written by Human Jai Alaight Reel, 22 July 2009
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Biden Announces Intent to Host "America's Got Talent" by 2011

"What that show needs is a healthy dose of Joey B," Vice President tells reporters.

written by Human Jai Alaight Reel, 22 July 2009
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Woman Leaves Novelty Wine Rack Bra On Overnight

Wakes up with pickled boobs.

written by Charpa93, 22 July 2009
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New Obama Administration Tax Proposal

Employers will direct deposit employees' paychecks to the White House to pay for all the new programs. Any money left is then posted to the workers homeless shelter or bridge underpass address.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 July 2009
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Environmental Groups to Oppose Health Care Reform

Environmentalists to oppose health care reform. A congressional committee negotiated that in exchange for Cap and Trade passage, environmentalists must undergo government paid Frontal Lobotomies.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 22 July 2009
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