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Rating:

Life is simpler than Wile E. Coyote

Life is simple but we have a knack to complicate it like Wile E. Coyote spending a fortune on Acme products to capture Road Runner... take a breather and just order a deep fried chicken.

written by bigd, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Michael Jackson's brain found!

Sections of the missing brain have been located inside the heads of recent Big Brother candidates, which goes some of the way to explaining why they are such fuckwits.

written by Blazing Saddle, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Old Ways Work Best

According to doctors from over 100 different countries, "A face like a fried monkey" is still the best prevention of pregnancy.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

New Turd Passed

According to the new law passed by those "beeps" in Washington, all fast food restaurants must begin scolding fat customers after January 1, 2010.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Army Rejects Gordon Brown's Visit To Afghanistan

"Well", said the Chief of the General Staff, "we couldn't protect him on the ground. I mean, we can't protect the lads, he only wants to visit to make himself look keen - so I told him to fuck off".

written by Blazing Saddle, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Man Has the Oldest Working TV in the UK Confiscated!

A man who claims that he has the country's oldest working TV has had it confiscated by the authorities because he has no licence.

written by IN SEINE, 21 July 2009
Rating:

In Good Shape

Dallas Cowboy Quarterback Tony Romo gets ready for season opener after losing 150 pounds of pretty fat.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Secret Agent Julia Child

The United States CIA says that Julia Child used to deliver information to secret agents during World War II. "She's the one who came up with the yellowcake uranium", stated one officer.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Culkin Explains Problems

Macaulay Culkin blames his drinking, drug problems on parents who were always going off and leaving him at home all alone.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Accident At Butchers in Coventry

A Coventry butcher backed into a meat grinder, and got a little behind in his work. His wife took over the shop while he was in the emergency room and made the same mistake. Disaster!

written by IN SEINE, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Possessing Half a Brain Does Not Destroy Eyesight!

Scientists have discovered that having half a brain does not destroy the vision in one eye. However, Gordon Brown continues to be an enigma as do many other politicians.

written by IN SEINE, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Clarkson urged to put brake on 'speed is good' message

Top gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, has been urged to put the brake on 'SPEED IS GOOD' message. Many people do not know that he uses the drug.

written by IN SEINE, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Shit Or Go Blind

British, US soldiers in complete confusion after Afghanistan declares war on Iraq.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Ready For 2012 Olympics?

Police given powers to enter homes and tear down any anti- Olympics, Playboy posters during 2012 Games

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Alistar Darling Ailing

Swine flu fears for Alistair Darling after Labour by-election candidate is hit by virus, doubledecker bus.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Obama, Congress Sued

Those people making over $250,000 a year sue President Obama and congress over profiling.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Blob Identified

Arctic Mystery: Identifying the Great Blob of Alaska. It's Al Gore, who apparently has fallen off the diet scales again.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Betty Boop & Hilary Clinton

In a recent poll the cartoon character Betty Boop has been voted more popular than Hilary Clinton.

written by SPECTRUM, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Michael Jackson Recorded A Song Called "I Will Survive"

Michael Jackson has reportedly recorded a song called "I Will Survive" and no, it is not a cover of the other famous song we all know... It will be released on September 22, 2010 by Sony.

written by Mig93, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Tasered Man Flamed Up!

A man in Western Australia was engulfed in flames when police officers fired a Taser stun gun at him. Officer: I knew he was gassed coming out of the bar and attacking us, but not THAT gassed!

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Asis Ready For Eclipse

Asia set for total solar eclipse. Motto: "When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!"

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

She's Concerned All Right

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has said Washington is "very extremely ultimately seriously" concerned about military co-operation between North Korea and Burma.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Japan's PM Apologizes

Japan's Prime Minister Taro Aso has publicly apologized for what he called his failures. No word yet from Obama or Brown.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Apollo Shot Restored

A part of the Apollo mission to the moon, apparently cut from the film we saw years ago, now restored, shows Buzz Aldrin with his back turned announcing, "There's water on the moon now."

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Do You Believe In Magic?

The Harry Potter film has already brought in over $400 million worldwide. Many are seeing the movie series for the first time, trying to find a magic way to end the stalled worldwide economy.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Alamo May Not Appear

Defense unsure if evangelist Alamo will testify. May not have to appear after Baptist Preacher Crockett and Catholic Bishop Santa Anna's earlier testimony.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
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Calif Introduces New "Retro" Taxes

California hopes to end IOUs with budget agreement featuring "You Owe Us" in new taxes retro to 1975.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Sony Purchages Jackson Rehearsal Film

Sony bids $50 million for Jackson rehearsal film. May try to stretch ten minute segment into two-hour TV movie.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Chris Brown Apologises Over Rihanna Assault

New album out this week.

written by Ron Smith, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Bernanke Showing Stress

Bernanke: "Fed will be able to foil inflation when it comes.
Fed will be able, Fed will be able, Fed will be able when she comes! Oh we'll kill the old red rooster when she comes!" Sent home to rest.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

It's Bosnia All Over Again

Secretary of State Clinton given a week's rest after reporting her violent secret meeting with Osama Bin Laden.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Biden, Ukraine Leader Meet, Shake Hands

Vice President Joe Biden meets with Ukraine president as they discuss how to get their names into the news somehow.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Continental Airlines: It's A Mess

Continental Airlines posts second quarter loss. Over 2,000 pieces of luggage, three pilots, two stewardesses, six passengers and one airport out there somewhere.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Wildfires Ready To Reheat California

Quake, tsunami potential high on U.S. west coast. Governor Schwarzenegger reduced to tears.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

New World's Oldest Man

With the death of a 113-year-old Sunday, Montana resident now world's oldest man, according to his mother who shows birth certificate. "I remember it like it was yesterday", she states.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Solar Eclipse Viewed Differently

Solar eclipse pits superstition against science. "Total Doom!" say astrologers. "Worse Than That!", says Al Gore.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Schwarzenegger Shrinks California

Schwarzenegger shrinks California in order to save it! Overnight California has become the size of Rhode Island. Oregon, Washington grow three times bigger.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

August Deadline

Obama defends August deadline for health care bill. "If you stop to read it, it'll never get signed", he argues.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Better Hurry!

Starting this fall, The University of York is offering an elective course: Training to be a British Home Secretary. Enrollment is limited to 135 people, and the class is filling up fast!

written by Adam Click, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Woman Suing Employer For Sexual Harassement; Success In Doubt.

...She's a hooker!

written by tlmedia, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Brown Sugar

Sir Alan Sugar was sworn in as a peer yesterday and is now Lord Sugar. He had a meeting with Gordon Brown later and when they were having tea the maid said Brown Sugar.

written by SPECTRUM, 21 July 2009
Rating:

David Tavare Teams Up With Haylie Duff

David Tavare said he would really like Haylie Duff to appear on his forthcoming studio album on a song called "Summer Days (With The Other Duff)".

written by Mig93, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Everyone's going on about witt

Old people have become increasingly computer literate and have started up their own social networking space, Witter - where they can, "Go on a bit too long."

written by Ron Smith, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Pat Robertson Channels Lenny Bruce

Pat Robertson, asking for the spirit to fill him, instead got Lenny Bruce. All Hell broke loose when he started cursing uncontrollably.

written by Charpa93, 21 July 2009
Rating:

House Speaker Pelosi on Health Care Reform Costs

US House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says "any excess health care tax money will be used to pay down the debt." US taxpayers respond with "Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha."

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Investigation of Harsh Interrogations Completed

Congress has looked into the allegations of harsh CIA interrogation methods being applied to terrorists who cut people's heads off. The CIA was exonerated as it was discovered that the IRS did it.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Loons Lodge a Complaint with FWS

Loons have lodged a complaint with the US Fish and Wildlife Service about constantly being slurred. Everywhere Loons fly they hear "those Democratic left wing Loons in Congress have done it again!"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Trial Begins With Insults

Trial of accused killers begins in Islamabad. Name calling and insults begin immediately, "Yo Mama shows her toes in public!"

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Pest Control Killer

Termite control man kills eight by tossing in spraying fog bottle at Afghanistan hotel, all from heart attacks.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Protesters Finally Win

Protesters at last G-8 conference finally get their way. "We give up", states US President Obama back in Washington. "Set the rules and begin to govern the world", says Dmitry Medvedev

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
Rating:

Thould They'd Be Proud

Middle East clerics condemn Denmark child for drawing cartoon stick figure of Mohammed with big dong.

written by Bureau, 21 July 2009
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