Spoof news snippets from Thursday 2 July 2009
Big Grease Fire
Firemen say storage of removed fat from thousands of pounds of liposuction help fuel large fires in California last fall.
Better Off Dead Anyway
Major insurance companies go before congress and say that just a few people with dozens of ailments drain the whole system. Ask that they be eliminated, to bring down costs for other 98%.
The Internet Tax
President Obama announces that demands upon our economy may for us to tax the information we receive on the internet by charging by the hour.
Sun Is Unpredictable
Rush Limbaugh points out that scientists predict our sun will burn out on about nine million years, so we cannot always rely upon solar energy.
I Went To My Unemployment Office Today And...
Found everyone fired
How's That Again?
The United States Senate passed a bill yesterday that would ban all flag-burning after seeing photographs of flag burning ban being burned.
Peace In Our Time?
President Obama promises to try and find peace for the middle east, right after he can get peace agreement for Sarah Palin/David Letterman squabble.
Next: Village Idiot Bowling.
Dwarf bowling definitely completely illegal. Will be replaced by hunchback bowling say enthusiasts.
"I Know I'm 66-Years-Old But I Like it!"
Mick Jagger Turns 66 years old. Will celebrate with sex, drugs, rock 'n roll, adult diapers, nap.
Free From Congestion
EPA Moves to ease congestion in moy of National Parks. Announced free "Vapor Rub" to all along the trails.
Bounty Hunters Doing Well
In bad economy, study group says that Bounty Hunters are doing well, as it's usually stored with other bathroom paper.
Sex In Bedoom Approved
Supreme Court rules consenting Texans may do as they please in their bedroom "as long as we can launch a surprise inspection at any time."
Polar Bear Club Disbands
Maine's Polar Bear Club disbands as temperatures rise, all sick to death of eating seals.
The presence of hundreds of "cluster bombs" hidden underground and getting older every day causing many cluster headaches.
The Man Responsible For The Website Coding...
that remembers your postal/zip code when looking at store flyers online has been sacked.
Just Say Nothing
Study shows that "Just Sat No" does not work in keeping students from alcohol, illicit sex, drugs, anything else.
Girl Who Survived Airbus Crash Into Indian Ocean Says...
throughout the ordeal, the Airbus inflight entertainment system never failed and she didn't realize the plane had crashed.
Dylan Still Selling
Bob Dylan's, who's latest CD came on as billboard's #1, single release of "The Gobbledegook Blues" is in the top 20.
President of Chinese Petri Dish Manufacturer...
admits his product help give birth to Michael Jackson's children.
"Branket! I am youl Fathel." Xioa Ping Dong was heard shouting.
Patient Shocked At Dirty Room
Hospital patient so shocked at dirty ward that she climbed out of bed to clean it herself, but refused to do windows.
Swine Flu, 100,000 A Day
Swine flu cases in Britain could soar to 100,000 a day by next month, Government warns. Spotted Dick could be a side effect.
Kevin Jonas Announces His Engagement
Kevin Jonas has gotten engaged. It is reported that Miley Cyrus and Madonna are both heartbroken over the news.
The Actor Formerly Known As Ashton Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher in a move designed to show that he is totally secure in his machismo has agreed to honor his wife by officially changing his name to Ashton Moore.
The Name Clay MacEntire Does Have A Nice Ring To It
Clay Aiken is denying the rumor that he is Reba MacEntire's biological son. Aiken remarked that he has never been in Oklahoma, much less in Ms. MacEntire.
Cheryl Burke Blames It All On The Clothes
Dancing With The Stars professional dancer Cheryl Burke denies she has ballooned up to 242 pounds. Cheryl remarked that it's just the parka, the burka, and the work boots that make her look fat.
The Bachelor aka Jason Mesnick Is Desperate For Attention
Jason Mesnick who quickly fell off the front pages of the tabloids has said he and Molly will absolutely get married, someday, sometime, somehow. Okay, thanks for that earth shattering bit of info.
Shadow chancellor George Osborne Bush to be investigated over Litvinenko Polonium-210 mystery death
"The clues are all in the name, of course," a top anti-terror cop commented sagely today.
Staples Corner, home of the B(r)ent Cross Shopping Center, to stake Jacko wake
The North Circular site previously hosted the funerals of other notable nobodies, including assorted IRA hitmen and Tory party wannabes.
Supreme Court Decision
The United States Supreme Court has decided to finally hand down a ruling on the couple that had that argument two years ago and kept the whole neighborhood up all night.
Nurse Tried Everything
Nurse attending Michael Jackson that she tried everything, even clicking his heels together three times.
Raising a stink
High-end neighborhood's residents demand Porta-John company manufacture facilities that blend better with community, tired of teal eyesores in front of multi-million dollar properties.
A show of hands
California police getting cramps writing tickets as countless motorists ignore hands free phone law. Last text sent by one man reads:
wtf just got pulled over :(
The Economy Is So Bad
Even muggers can't find work.
The Greatest Practical Joke In The World
Hack into a hospital computer and change all the patient orders to Do Not Resuscitate. What fun!
My Family Was So Poor
They couldn't have children
Michael Jackson Was An Alien
Where else would he learn the "Moon Walk?" Makes sense to me!
Combined 3,000 Pounds Too Much
Seven top executives resign at Krispy Kreme Headquarters after building collapse.
New Viagra Warnings
Warning proposed for Viagra, Cialis, Levitra: "The Surgeon General has determined that this product could affect brain cells, could cause blondness.
Bi-Polar Bear Escapes
Bi-Polar bear escapes from zoo area, saves one old guy's life by pulling him to safety from fire, then eats him.
Oh Well, It Was Worth A Try
Program to convince Afghans to grow melons instead of opium a failure as officers around the world discover caches of opium smuggled into their countries inside melons.
99 Walk Out Of Senate
99 Senators walked out of the Senate building this morning saying they refuse to return until Al Franken begins to take his job seriously and quit making quack noises when he disagrees with speaker.
Is Itchy Powder Next
Al Franken, who just became a senator from the state of Minnesota, claims he had nothing to do with Nancy Pelosi's gavel exploding in House session this morning.
S&M Gear for Sale
S&M, the British fetishists high street store, is to launch a range of partially adhesive nipple clamps under the title "Sucker for Punishment".
DC Economy Suffers Also
Nine supreme court justices were forced to leave their building today as they are now twenty years behind in mortgage payments.
Kim Mouthing More Threats
North Korean leader Kim says his nation now has a missile that can travel at the speed of "Ludicrous".
Military Secrets Revealed?
U.S. General says that he believes that some of our troops in Iraq, under influence of illegal alcohol, informed prostitutes
about real or imagined military secrets. Warns: "Hot Lips Sink Ships"
Report From "Roadshow"
A report from "The Antique Roadshow" says that more and more antiques are being reduced to "junk status".
Economy Hitting Obese Hard
Obesity in America has been blamed on over-eating and lack of exercise, but that has now been joined by stuck-fast corn cobs as economy sees more people cutting down on expensive toilet paper.
Limbaugh Takes A Dive
Rush Limbaugh's belly whooper dive in ocean behind his home in Florida has killed a rare turtle species, brought tsunami warnings to the offshore islands in Atlantic.
Swine Flu Mutates Again
Word out of Turdistan is that a deadly diarrhea strain has joined with the Swine Flu there and 35 people have shit themselves to death.
Gore: Global Warming Killed Jacko
Leading Scientist proclaims: "If you don't like our current predictions on global warming, just stick around for an hour and it'll change."
Spoof Writers May Ask For Bailout
Humor internet site writers say they are having a lot of trouble trying to spoof the news with so much naturally occurring idiocy abroad.
Swine Flu Can't Be Stopped
The rising number of swine flu cases mean trying to contain the virus is no longer an option, the government says. "A certain percentage will die no matter what we do", say Docs. Ask for volunteers.
Python, Dog Save Family
Pet python saves family's life as strangling dog cries wake them up when house was on fire. "Old Petey's screams were loud so we'd say he helped too. We'll miss them both."
Polish customs officers were surprised to find live scorpions in a parcel from Hong Kong supposed to contain toys. Hong Kong apologizes, also to zoo, for sending them the 500 Kermit the Frog puppets.
India Rules On Gay Rights
A court in the Indian capital, Delhi, has ruled that homosexual intercourse between consenting adults is not a criminal act. While in Iran, "No ruling needed as there are no gays here."
Franken Helps Key Issues
Franken to give Democrats a boost on key issues such as, "Is a fake vomit ban needed for New York City streets, a pie in the face a misdemeanor.
More Monkey Business
"Bubbles". Michael Jackson's monkey, to reveal all to Barbara Walters Special through interpreter monkey.
Polls: Too Much Jacko Coverage
Poll: 64 percent say there's too much Jackson coverage. 75 other polls reveal pretty much the same results.
How To Buy Groceries On IOU's
As deficit grows, California prepares to issue IOUs. Actors, in particular, are very upset.
NKorea Fires Two Short-Range Rockets
North Korea test-fires 2 short-range missiles to make up for one long one that they have failed to launch.
New Jackson Puppet
Parents say new Michael Jackson puppet, "Jacko" used to entertain children not worth trying to learn dance steps.
Berks' Peerage to inlcude illegitimate offspring?
So, nothing new there; always was full of toffed-up bastards.
Lyrical legumes gone "Bad"
Unable to outsell dead musician, Black Eyed Peas release The Black Eyed Peas: The Chitlin' Circuit, featuring covers by Jackson.
Two dogs have died in the back of a police van in Nottinghamshire, UK - there were no witnesses
It's thought that the dogs either suffocated as a result of the windows being closed during the hot weather or that they accidentally fell down the stairs.
A great way to start your morning?
Conclusion to Black Eyed Peas video for My Black or White Hump Michael Jackson mashup may be banned due to violence-infused, sexually charged breakfast scene.
New Commons Speaker John Burkha demands Sharia Law settlement of MPs' expenses
The move would allow up to four wives/cohabitees/girlfriends' receipts not needing any special screwtiny.
Take two. And... Action!!
Friends of Fawcett, unhappy with first death's outcome, seeking to revive actress' exhumed corpse long enough to die once more, this time NOT in the shadow of Jackson.
"Go into the light..."
Deceased spoof writer Dark Prime, catapulted back to popularity by passing of Jackson, fading fast as he slips down the "Top Writers" list.
Don't take my word for it...
Experts also note, though thousands of typing monkeys still unable to reproduce a single work of Shakespeare, British writers perfectly capable of filling out spoof web site day after day!
Ukrainian village wants to rename itself after Michael Jackson
Residents of a Ukrainian village want to rename it after the late pop superstar Michael Jackson. Why would they want to call it paedophile?
Minnesota Senatorial Election
The US Constitution provides that any fool meeting the specified minimal requirements can be elected to be a Senator. The recent election in Minnesota proves this.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Leads an Investigation
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the Iranian "nut case" is leading the investigation into Neda's murder on a Tehran street. The CIA, MOSSAD, MI5 and MI6 will be found to be involved by a vote of 63%.
Federal Election Commission Promises Speedier Vote Counting
The FEC is flying to Tehran to meet with Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Re-use of paper ballots in the USA necessitates knowing how 40 million paper ballots were counted so fast.
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