Spoof news snippets from Saturday 11 July 2009
Nurse Suspected The Worst
Michael Jackson' personal nurse: "We knew Michael was bad when they hauled him out of here in two ambulances."
Mother Teresa's Message To Michael
Mother Teresa has special message for Michael Jackson: "Why don't you go back down there and leave us alone? Never heard such whining!"
Advice From 98-Year-Old
98-year-old Boogertown native says he's as active as he ever was. "I've switched from radio to TV and worn out 24 couches, but other than that..."
But Only Temporarily
"Transformers" movies are pulled from theaters after real electric transformer blows and electrocutes two repairmen in Idaho.
Like Looking In Your Neighbor's Window
Government announces new ever sharper image television every one must purchase for $1000 by 2012. Prepare now for free $400 discount coupon for new antenna.
Finally Got The Brute!
Heroic plastic surgeon who walked to the beat of a different drum & reduced huge breasts to a regular size so women could have a normal life, found dead with 87 bullets after visit of furious husband.
Zombies Developing More Sophicated Food
Today's Zombie Cuisine has named their number one food of 2009 as "Brains Au Vin", especially using Merlot.
Time Waits For No Man
Time Magazine, although it's only July, announces that Michael Jackson is 2009's "Dead Man of the Year!"
Victoria' s Secret New TM
Another conversational phrase was removed from the public domain Friday, when Victoria's Secret announced that it has trademarked the word, *Crotchless".
Heinz Being Sued
Heinz ketchup being sued by former assembly line employees for further help in their treatments for Red Lung!
Restaurant Can't Use "Food"
Today the FDA ordered McDonalds to omit the word, "Food" from all their advertisements in the future until menus changed.
Boyle Cancels Appearance
Susan Boyle cancels still another stage appearance stating that "It might start raining while I'm on stage and there I'd be without me rubbers."
The Winehouse "Sideshow" Tour
Amy Winehouse is said to be starting her own Britney, "Circus" tour on hers will be called "Sideshow" and she'll be the leading freak.
The Space Shuttle Has Been Postponed Due To Lightning
..which some say is a result of Elvis whoopin' Michael Jackson's butt for marrying his daughter.
Lohan Making Purchases
Lindsay Lohan spotted by paparazzi at local drugstore trying to fill prescription for Biagra., Cialisalex.
Whale watch latest
An albino humpback whale called Migaloo (aborigine for 'white fella'), is said to have a low sperm count and may not reproduce. However, legend has it that an albino sperm whale is called Moby Dick.
A-Rod Injured Again
Alex Rodriguez of the Ne York Yankees has a groin pull and might be out for three weeks. He apparently suffered the injury during an Upper East Side visit, Tuesday night.
Some Mormons Bankrupt
US National Records show that nearly 100,000 Utah Mormons went bankrupt last year due to the cost of baby showers.
Citizens Want Monument Removed
Self-righteous group in North Carolina demanding for "phallic symbol" monument to local hero took down from courthouse yard, told to check the roof of the churches.
Bama May Need Vacation
President Obama making his way back to the US sporting heavily made-up black eye over his sneaky peek, must now face Mother-In-Law.
Shake A Leg
Michael Jackson impressed by footwork of Fred Astaire but completely floored by that of Mr. Bojangles.
Nobody Answering Ads
Illegal immigrant can't figure out why no one answers her "Will sit on the babies fore six dollers an hour"
Mormons edge out Jehovah's Witnesses in door knocking competition
Girl Scouts, Band Candy, Avon, and Fuller Brush round out the top six.
Users Over Growers
A new study shows that the down and out opium user here still has ten times the money of most opium growers.
Alabama Man Worried
Alabama man feels his little 18-year-old son, Alexander, may be gay. "Just look how he holds his little arms up in the air with his hands flapping as he runs!"
Baghdad Merchant's Revenge
A local merchant in Baghdad, after hearing from his doctor he has six months to live, drives loaded store truck into group training to be suicide bombers.
Super Cracks Down
School superintendent cracks down on under-achievers as a bunch of "lazy no-good punks" and over-achievers as "after my job".
New Terror-Warning Mascot
Small town of Jasper, Missouri will show off their new Terror Warning Mascot, Big Blaster!
Should Have Never Spiked The "Ball"
Football quarterback who threw the bomb on the last play of the game turns out to be a secret member of al-Qaeda.
Jackson's Brain Returned
After brain mix-up after Michael Jackson's death, DNA evidence shows that the brain finally returned belonged to John F. Kennedy.
Might Get Into Newspapers
Couple caught breaking into the local mission in Fayette, Arkansas were told by police have they could have come in during the day & got them for free. They replied that they were too proud for that.
Obama taking flack for checking out 16 year old girl's ass in Italy
"I was really looking for a qualified babysitter if Michelle and I ever brought the girls over here."
New Democratic Honduran President Elected
Honduran news announced that a new president has been elected in a closed door meeting between Russian and Chilean officials. The new President is said to have been elected by Fair Communist Practices
Jackson's Remains To Be Sold On eBay
The family of Michael Jackson has decided to sell the famed singers remains of eBay. "They'll just be tiny pieces encased in a tasteful Lucite cube and get rid of his debt," said a family spokesman.
When asked why it is called an Amber Alert? One Fox News spokesman said, "Because Golden News Ratings Scheme sounded a bit obvious."
"Lame Duck" To Make Presidential Bid
The famed "AFLAC DUCK" reportedly will begin a assembling a campaign team as soon as he recovers from a broken leg. "Ask For Me At Work," will be his campaign slogan.
The Spoof Spoofed By Fox News
In a stunning turn of events "Fox news" has announced a Spoof of the popular news spoof site called "The Spoof". The show in a brave move will apprently be called "Fox news"
Stock market crash!
It wasn't a typical creash but a group of traders collapsed today after too many redbulls to try and drive stock higher for the product. Apparently red bull gives you wings but not a safety net.
Palin Making Promises
Sarah Palin says that if she runs and becomes the next US president, she'll bring back "Northern Exposure".
New Oscar Rules
For the first time ever, motion picture stars at the Oscars will be tested for breast, penis implants. People doing testing will pay $100,000 each toward reducing the national debt.
Still Another Tribute
In view of the Michael Jackson death, Paramount Pictures have announced the delay of their movie, Gray Alien Freaks.
'Welcome home': Barack Obama praises then scolds Africa during historic visit back to the old home place in Kenya where he was born.
George W. Bush Job Fair Excerpt
This job fair is a lie its actually unfair, I mean, I was the president and I can't even pass an exam to get a job here. Obama has really let this nation down. I mean, why else would it be like this?
Staff Receives Bonus
City bank staff to receive 'mind-blowing' bonuses months after bringing economy to brink of meltdown, small pistol with two bullets in case they miss with the first one.
Schoolteachers Pass Priests AfterYouth
Woman teacher at private boys' school charged over sexual activity with a pupil and messing with his boy privates.
Two Week Vacation For Flu
Swine flu sufferers could get two weeks off work without a doctor's note. Several overheard already practicing their grunts.
New Stealth Tax
New stealth tax on middle classes to pay for care in old age so the elderly can take a ride on American war plane.
Obama: It's Working!
President Obama told reporters today that "It's working!". If he was talking of his destruction of the US economy, it certainly is.
Shatner Only One Left
With the recent death of actor Karl Malden, that leaves only William Shatner to carry on the legend of the great ones that are still around.
Now Don't Forget
Just a reminder: They're all still out there waiting, talking about you behind your back.
Porn Expenses Scandal
I argued about porn with my husband before expenses scandal, reveals former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "I thought we'd stick with the private ones we made here."
New GM Coming Out
General Motors (GM) says it has emerged from bankruptcy protection after creating a "new GM" made up of the carmaker's best assets, its sales models.
Poses Nude For Art
Television viewers are getting a taste of how artists go about drawing life models with a series of classes on Channel 4. But what its like to pose naked for art? "Kinda of like Garfunkle", says one.
Country Needs Brown-Out
Gordon Brown is a "knackered" prime minister and should take a month's holiday, a Labour backbencher has said. "Maybe six."
Old Woody Allen May Do Show
Doddering old Woody Allen may do a TV comedy about marrying a 16-year-old this fall, called "Woodless In Manhattan".
Tupperware to begin manufacturing condoms
Remember to "burp" them to get all of the air out and lock the freshness in.
Madoff's Wife Surviving
Bernie Madoff's wife has been left with only $2.5 million. I hope the poor dear can make it. She says she has this great investment plan though, if you'll call her.
Study shows men whose wifes wear thongs have better dental hygeine.
They don't call them "butt floss" for nothing!
Palin To Do Late Show?
Rumor has it that resigned Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to do late night talk show from home, while looking at Russia. May have nightly Top Ten Reasons Democrats Are Idiots.
And President Obama Makes An Historic Visit
Large oil fields discovered in Ghana. (swap headlines - Ed)
Hogwarts apologizes for sign maker screw up
The storage bin was supposed to be lated "witch's bands," not "bitch's wands."
Man Dies At Serbia Festival
A man from London has died after falling from a fortress wall at a music festival in Serbia. Wall no place to do moon walk, say police.
Swine Flu Improving
Further deaths from swine flu without there being underlying health problems cannot be ruled out but will be rare, England's chief medical officer says in recorded video after becoming another victim.
Obama gives official gifts to the Pope on Italy visit.
He also gave him some perfume for his wife.
Woman arrested for swimming naked at city pool.
"The sign said no thong bikinis permitted, so I took mine off."
Big Louie Brought Down
Colombian bounty hunters have shot and killed one of three hippopotamuses, "Big Louie", which escaped from a private zoo owned by former drugs baron Pablo Escobar.
Genie Loses Court Case
A family in Saudi Arabia is taking a "genie" to court,
accusing it of theft and harassment. Judge rules against 'genie'. Tells it to go back into bottle. Gavel begins banging his fingers.
Obama Learns Lesson
President Barack Obama rejects 2nd stimulus as he looks the other way after two more well-built teenagers pass him by.
Gary Holds Jackson Memorial
Jackson's hometown of Gary, Indiana holds memorial for pop icon, sing on tops of cars, dangle children over balconies.
Convicts Helping Future Convicts
Ex-convicts working to prevent future convicts fall victim of current convicts without convictions.
California Earthquake Warnings
Tremors may indicate risk of big California quake according to journal. "That's all we need. If it's a major one, I hope it takes me with it", says hapless Governor Schwarzenegger.
The African Affairs
Obama: 'Africa is not separate from world affairs. There's just as many people having affairs here as the rest of the world!'
Surveillance Was Thorough
Report: Too few officials knew of surveillance as Bush Administration had one member of every family watching for terrorists. (I knew Cousin Fred was asking a lot of questions.)
New TV For The Deaf Announced
It has only one volume setting..."EXTREMELY, HORRIDLY, EXCRUCIATINGLY LOUD." It's only available with a doctors prescription.
Upset by the SWALEC Stadium in Cardiff being used as the first venue for The Ashes Test, Wales has declared war on England. After 5 days the result of the battle could be a draw, weather permitting.
Afghanistan - Operation Panther's Claw "Going Well"
According to one Taliban source
A teacher from the UK has used a simple formula to control unruly behaviour in the classroom-f=ma. A 2Kg mass used with enough acceleration creates a force large enough to render a child unconscious.
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